Very poor quality RANT poetry

I go to a hairdresser's
and I can't even tell him
what haircut I want.
I'm 18,
and it feels like I should be braver
then the 10-year-old kid who
does it just fine
it feels like I should be already
there,
not somewhere where I feel sick
when my manager calls me
not somewhere I wish I didn't say yes
to hanging out
not somewhere where I try to fake
indifference so you don't
see how much I care
because I care, and I'm awkward
and I'm already 18
how does it still feel like this?
when I was younger, it hurt to be me
but at least I believed in the future me
at least she would know what to do
how to feel
what to think
how to say things
talk to people,
more than what my tiny veins
could fill,
more than what the sun
could eat,
more than what I thought
of me.
but my future me when I was younger
ended here.
it ended when I was 18
because I'm supposed to know shit
I'm supposed to not feel like
ants are burning under my skin
every time I try to be better.
I'm supposed to be better hell,
my future was supposed to be here
already.