what if I turn the page and I lose my words?

i noticed i keep writing about the same thing
same words different forms
(the picture in my head is always the same)
it's all in an attempt to hold what i feel

i've always struggled with choosing words
picking out just the right syllable that's just in tune with
your heart
its difficult
so i just hope the words i choose are pronounced the way i feel
i pick up my pen every once in a while
its always the same page i'm writing on
its sad sometimes

i think i've bound myself with all the words written on that page
it tastes like sadness feels safe somehow
it looks like a warm yellow light
its dim, yet it feels brighter than the sun to me

i have been trying to turn the page lately
move to a fresh one but the scent of unfamiliarity it brings is enough to scare me and take my heart to an unsettling place
one that reminds me of an isolated cell i've been trapped in earlier and it took me an year's worth of energy to find
an escape

what if i turn the page and i lose my words?
i already had trouble finding them and i can't afford to lose a few chosen ones i keep close to my heart
so i keep myself from turning the page i jot down the same words (new form) again and again on the lines in between the lines over the lines

if i could choose my dream
i would just wanna be brave enough