Who Are You? I Can't Remember Anymore

I fell asleep at eight
Yet woke up two hours after
Struck with a sudden dose of loneliness
Wondering why I can't recall when you died
When did you die?
When did you leave me alone to brave the world with my two little feet?
Why are you gone?

When I was younger
I remember waking up before the sun rises
Yet pretend to stay asleep
So you'll wake me up
After returning from church
With a freshly baked pandesal on the dinning table
I remember how you smell like sampaguita
Simple.
Elegant.
Home.

I remember how you comforted me
When mom suddenly wanted to go to somewhere far
Paying no heed that I'll feel alone
That I'll feel sad
You were there
Rubbing my back with your gentle and calloused hands
You were my oasis in this desert of despair
I never felt truly alone
That is before you were gone

You died.
You left me alone
I was miserable
I remember not crying while they lower you to the ground
Because I wanted to be strong
Because I wanted you to go happy
I wanted you to be proud of me

But I don't want to be strong
I just want you near me
I want your warmth
The soft touches of your loving hands
The gentle hugs you give
As if you fear I'll break

I think I did
I think I'm breaking apart even now
Years after you are gone
I'm breaking apart with no glue strong enough to fix me
For there is no tape good enough bind together fine dust

It's so weird
Why can't I remember when you died
Not the year
Not the month
Not the day
Not an inkling in my mind when the hell it happened
I remember how you died
I remember the night before you died
Why the fuck can't I recall when?!

It's well past midnight
I was struck with loneliness
Tears just started streaming down my face
With not a reason nor rhyme
It just did
And suddenly, I remembered you
My mind played memories of you
Like a stack of pictures shuffling in haste
Each having their edges faded
Am I...
Am I forgetting who you are?
I can't remember how you look like anymore
I can't remember your voice
I can't remember your gestures
Your habits
Your favorite quote
Your favorite book
Your smile
You
I can't remember you
Why can't I remember?
Who? Who are you?

(S13.18)​