Recently I started writing a new novel for Scribble Hub because I was excited that Tony made such a cool thing, so I kind of wanted to make something for it to help contribute to the hype.
The novel that I started writing from scratch -- initially I started writing it with the idea that it would have a comedic undertone, but I think that was ultimately too difficult for me.
It's not really the genre that's the matter, but rather the subject matter, since I tried to make a transgender protagonist again.
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Before I even knew it, the writing that was spilling out of my fingers was basically oozing dark and heavy things uncontrollably.
I'm also writing at a faster pace than I honestly should, so the end result is that I think I'm posting much uglier things than I'd really ideally wish to show.
I'm beginning to question... whether it's possible to write a novel on this subject even.
I had thought a lot of the scars from my past had fully healed, but seeing all of this dark stuff spill like a dam bursting is really shocking.
I mean, originally the entire purpose of this account (and all of the blog posts here) is to serve as a PR-like public relations stunt with this section of the internet, which is generally conservative. My original wish was to normalize transgender people and show everyone that we're human, and we have feelings and thoughts and lives and experiences too.
I think my wish, more than anything else in the world, would be if our experiences could be relatable.
That... we aren't so alien... or incomprehensible like certain words make us out to be.
I really wanted to write a happy heartwarming story, if only just to show that there's a lot of hope and optimism for transgender people as well. I didn't want everyone to see it as is just pure gloom or depression, or write it off as a mental illness for that matter.
Argh, but it's so frustratingly hard!
It's too too too easy to slip back into the trauma when I write.
But I want to make it so that people can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
How do I do that? How do I convey both the good times and the bad times without having the dark things complete smother everything else?
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Does anyone else ever find writing to be a very painful experience?
Like... I think... I poured a little too much of myself into this work of fiction than I probably should have.
It's not a good piece of writing, and it doesn't come across at all the way I wish I could do it.
Putting all of this out to the world.......
If I had to describe it, it's like carving out my heart form my chest, serving it on a platter, and then letting the world inspect it, poke around, and ponder over it with a red marker like a connoisseur judging whether it's appropriately shaped or aesthetically pleasing.
It hurts a little in ways that are a little difficult to explain.
I know it isn't pretty. I understand that, and I know somebody else could definitely make it a lot better!
But I guess it was still my heart in the beginning, nonetheless?
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Yeah, so actually I made a thread in Community Fictions to put my commentary and feelings on this novel as I was writing. I kind of wanted it to have a cozy personal atmosphere or something like that.
However, there was sort of a little controversy over whether it belonged in the Community Fictions forum, so eventually it got moved to Novel General.
To be honest, I was actually terrified at that moment because well... Novel General gets so much more traffic, I was little afraid that all of a sudden there'd be people swarming the thread and poking at my heart when they aren't really interested in the novel to between with.
So in short I'm a little bit afraid to post in that thread now. I kind of wish I could make it disappear, or at least undo the entire thing.
I think it's true that a bunch of people clicked on it and then went on to read the novel, but it's really scary!
I don't want to attract attention to myself.
It's a little too... raw... for me, I guess?
My heart really aches.