Hahaha, that's what I tell @vsukio to do as well. And that's what I did in those situations as well... Didn't expect more people to do the same thing~
I knew it, asian families usually have this type of worry about their kids slacking or doing things with a bad influence. I once got a tattoo and my mom was convinced people were going to see me as someone in a gang. Btw my family is chinese. I also dont think he should have told your parents about using your car for friends cuz obviously its a negative factor in your dads eyes and by then its just slightly dumb to even mention it. Just say your going to work/college. Also video games and movies are NEVER a negative UNLESS its an addiction. As for the gap year thats his choice honestly because there are pro's and cons to that. I'm sorry you have parents like that, but it comes with benefits because the only expectations you should be having is from yourself. As for the 2nd quote its none of my business, but i am gonna mention something. I am like 60 - 80% sure they won't make up right away after this or even never, because life is about perspective and they have conflicting perspectives, so they will never see eye to eye on some things. If that conversation you guys are going to make is Extremely good and both sides are understanding then you guys are set and hopefully your little bro doesn't irritate them again.
Also @vsukio I would suggest going to this site https://parenting.stackexchange.com I think stack exchange should help.
Let me tell you something from experience. The one at fault is the parent. They dont like his friends? There is a reason that they are not their friends but their son's friends. They need to positively influence their own son for him to change his prefrence in his friends on his own. Did you see your brother hit your mother? Maybe it was a push, but just came as a hit. First thing is to verify this. Hitting parents is out of line, but sometimes when you are defending yourself or resisting their physical attempts to persuade you to do something, accidents happen. Your brother is a teenager. My little brother is too. Let me tell you about him, yesterday he came home at 1:20am the day before that at 1pm and today he was home at 1am. He listens when you tell him to do so. Our father is excellent, he has never ever hit us. His words carry so mich weight that you just end up doing what he says and this requires constant communication over longer period of times. Last two days were the only days he stayed out late. What my father did to control his energy was, to enlist him at a local wrestling club. He would come so tired at home that he would have no energy to go outside again. What my father did to control me was to threaten me into joining army school. What you need to do is not to calm him down or to explain to him anything. Listen to this very carefully, understand him. You may disagree with him, strongly disagree with what he has to say but dont tell him that and listen to him. His point. You see some people are very arrogant, take me for eg. Once my father in anger told me to get out (I was in class 3). Now I know he meant get out of the room, I just went out the house. My mother has troed being strict with me but when I get stubborn you can kill me but you cant change me. So to deal with people like me, you have to take subtle approach. You cant just say do that and do this, and dont do that and dont do this. From what I am reading your dad is really trying to control his son. And the least he expects from his mother is a support which he fails to get. That pisses him off even more, and those hormones are messing with him too. Talk with your fad, go to somewhere alone or private with him. Start like this ....Dad, you know I respect you, there is something I think I must tell you. Its about what has been happening with our brother, you understand that he is at that age and he is immature and have a problem with a temper, but you are far smarter than him, tru rewarding him when he does something you want than punishing him or scolding him when he does something you dislike. For eg if he comes home late usually dont punish him, if any day he comes home early reward him. You tell him that he will need patience to deal with him and you trust that he can do it... Not every kid is the same, and you have to deal with each kid differently. Shouting or scolding is a reaction, it is not parenting. Parenting is controlling that urge to beat the shit out of their kid and smile instead, and then properly think about the problem, the subject and the possible solutions. Your brother needs a therapist too. Or at least refer him to a site called ....7Cups.... or if you are able to, have him talk to me, though I am not sure it will work out, instead he will be pissed that you disclosed something private to public or your friends. I cant stress it enough, support him. Young lives are fragile.
I dunno how to get this across appropriately but I'm gonna put it here anyway. basically he is stressed from all the things going on in his life, so he seeks comfort and peace with his friends because he can't get it at home cuz his family (specifically his parents) being all the way up his ass.
Yeah, Chinese family as well. Though my relationship is probably not as close as y'all since my grandparents raised me, but it is a big thing in Asian households when it comes to expectation especially when your the first generation while your parents are immigrants. There's also that language barrier and cultural barrier since if you only speak the Asian of the family language decently it still becomes difficult to get your feelings across even more so when you barely can speak it and are only good a English, while they aren't good at English. Communication and open love in Asian families are also very different from other families too. It's a lot less open and out there and you feel more distance.
When your brother is living in your parents' house, I think it's reasonable for your parents to expect him to follow their rules. Of course, they could be a bit more lenient and open-minded; let loose the reins a bit, considering your brother's in his rebellious age. However, by your account, your brother comes home really late and leaves for work early, and does not keep his word. Now, living under the same roof, there are some things you simply cannot "unsee". Moreso, as parents, they cannot ignore such behaviour, which they believe may negatively affect their child. So they get even more restrictive, which achieves the opposite effect of alienating your brother further. The only solution I can think of is to let your brother live on your own. That way. your brother can have is freedom, and your parents will not be able to keep tabs on him and get worried about his friends, habits or lifestyle. Also, tell your brother that he should be more open with his parents, because issues which your brother may find insubstantial, might seem to be of great concern to your parents - that's how parents are like, after all. P.S. - And he really shouldn't have hit his mother. Tell him to apologize if he already hasn't.
Beat him up, if I have a disagreement with my brother that can't be logically resolved I enforce it, who ever wins is right, with no hard feelings
He has done something similar before a few days ago but I was there that time. Our mother tried to pat his shoulder and tell him to calm down but he slapped her hand away. He really hates it when people touch him so I wasn't surprise to hear him doing this, also my mother now has a bruise on her stomach so.. The thing with my parents is they think hitting their kids is okay because that's how they grew up. Back in our younger days, we were physically abused by them if we went against them or made them angry due to school, so seeing how they make my younger brother feel very depressed is no surprise. I mean nowadays they stopped hitting us but yelling at us makes us feel equally depressed. He seems to feel a bit better now, he just doesn't want to go home which I understand. I told him I'll talk it out with our parents to make them understand he needs time to cool down, and home is not the place to be for it. I was able to convince our dad to give him the okay to my younger brother moving out so I'm hoping to convince them to let my little brother be out for the time being to decide what he wants to do in the end rather than them lecturing and yelling at him for doing this without their knowing about it. My main issue for the time being is getting my parents or at least my dad to understand because there's a lot they don't understand since they grew up completely differently than us, there's also the fact that their understanding of English isn't very good so it's going to be quite hard to explain it into words for them.. not like I'm not going to try though. Thank you for the input! It helped me decide to rather than trying to convince my brother to come home, I feel it's better if he doesn't while I act as a mediator between them as well as trying to have my parents understand things better. It's the same for us, we were raised by our grandparents. Even now, me and my younger brother feels no closeness to our parents. I agree, because we're living under their household, me and my sister always inform our parents when we got out etc. They don't charge us rent and rather we live with them even after college if it helps with saving up money to back our student loans, unfortunately for my younger brother, he rarely tells any of us when he leaves the house, invites people over, or goes out to see his friends. He only tells us when he's going to work but other than that, that's as far as it goes. He had originally planned to move out but as mentioned before, problems occurred so he wasn't able to do so in the end. Also no, he has yet to apologize.
I would just let him move out, he is old enough to do so. BUT, tell him regardless that he should go back and make up with his parents or he will regret it in the long run. Whether they will agree with his decision or not in the long run is up to there, but he should at least try. They brought him into this world so he at least owes them that much.
Same. When you were a kid, did they have that weird straw/twig/broom stick thing that hurts and stings like hell? I still remember it, but it doesn't bother me much now that I'm more grown up. The thing that I hate is the yelling and hurtful words. You remember that shit forever. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but only words can hurt me. Bruises and broken bones heal. Scars to your heart and mind don't.
Sadly, yes. It was either the metal part of a fly swatter or a broom stick. Nowadays if they 'attempt' to hit us, it's usually either our mother trying to slap us or our father using his fist. Luckily, they never used the 'belt' method but still, yeah, it never really affected me that much but I guess it made me feel like things didn't hurt as much when I fall over or get injured. In this case, words have more of an impact on my younger than being physically beat, especially with his ego. Once, someone told our younger sister she thought our younger brother was annoying and for some reason, my younger sister decided to tell him about it (I should also mention my younger sister and younger brothers relationship is like throwing oil at fire). This made him upset the entire week. He was in denial and saying how she must of been lying but regardless of this, he still felt sad. I didn't hear much of the argument from last night but every time they do fight, it makes him feel really upset because they talk badly of him and his friends. Usually the next day after, I often to take him out to eat to make him feel better but I wasn't able to this time since all of this happened instead.
The thing is, parents ate not patents and children not children. I absolutely abhor the idea of moving out or that you should be expected to pay rent for your stay at your patent's. The argument 'my/our house and our rules' is bullshit, this what you say when you cant explain what you have to say. I mean if the above is true, then does that mean after I grow up and calculate everything my parents have invested in me in terms of money,myes I will call it investment. Then when I pay that lump sum amount to them, since now I have paid their debt it is time for them to pay my debt, the times when they hit me, I will now hit back. The times when they shouted at me, I will shout back. I mean they decided to have children, we did not decide to have parents. I mean if they get old and then I send them money, will I say 'Dad since its my money you have to follow my rules to get it? Do this and dont do that?' You dont tell kids this is mine and and hou feed on mine, and hence you will do what I tell you to do. If my parents ever say that to me, I will literally start saving up and pay up whatever 'their's' was invested in me. But my parents tell me that all the things that they own are mine, and I am their's. Them saying that doesnt mean I literall own anything that this theirs, they just win my heart. Give your dad an example. When your brother was an infant, he would cry like all other babies, what did you to him to make him stop crying dad? Did you scold him or hit him to make him stop crying? I am sure that would make the matters worse, no you were smarter than him, you took him in your arms and you lovingly sang to him and played with him, if that didnt work you kept trying with patience and he did stop crying. Dad, you still are smarter than him. Gibe your brother this tip to conteol his anger or temper. When he gets angry, if he is standing then let him sit down. If he is sitting then let him lay down. Also start counting backwords from 5 to 1. Similarly he could try spelling the word 'calm' from the end which would be (m.l.a.c). Hitting parents is wrong. I think he realizes that and that is why somehwere in his messages he feels guilt and says he is hurting everyone around him. Tell him that he should express these emotions to his mom and nothing that he has done has changed anyth and you all still love him the same, if not more due to missing him because of his absense.
I'm not sure if it's a asian immigrant parenting style or not but most cousins/asian friends families I know often have their kids living with them rent-free rather than having them move out but I agree with you, I dislike parents having the idea of 'you live under my roof therefore, you must obey my rules'. My parents aren't the smartest people, my mother never went to college nor did my father even finish college. They don't even understand why we are so different from them because we grew up in a more Americanized environment. I always have to do their paperwork for them etc because they can't understand English properly and they never raised us when we were children, they raised us during our teen years, even if I try to explain things to them, they still can't understand. I tried to let them understand my younger brother is his own person, he has his own life, if he wants to work double shifts or come home late to sleep then go back to work the next day, let him. It's not hurting anyone plus this is something he decided to do, sadly, they still can't quite grasp the idea of their children being an 'individual'. I plan to try to talk to them again but more differently this time since the situation is not like the previous times. I'll probably get our older brother involved because for some reason, our parents developed some kind of fear towards him.
Aah I am emotional. I just want this problem solved. Unfortunately there is lack of information about your family, for eg as you keep memtioning your parents. I have literally barged into my friends homes and lectured their parents on parenting. Anyone that is willing to talk will listen to me and give in. And I really wish I could do the same with your's. God help us all.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post and giving your input regarding some of the issues as well as your own personal thoughts. It was really helpful. I never felt comfortable talking to my friends about these kind of things because they're often just speechless and doesn't really say much besides "I wish things will get better for you" then goes back to whatever topic they wanted to talk about.
People are afraid to intrude upon personal matters that is especially so when they are your friends in real life. I get emotional on some topics and that just makes me push my limits. Now that I have regained some of my calm, I appologize if I have had gone out of line. 'I wish things will get better for you'.
No worries! I honestly prefer hearing peoples personal opinions and their own experiences to get some idea of what to do or to have a better understanding of the current situation since this is the first time something like this has happened.
Well... I guess that's how most friends are. There are friends and friends out there, some we are closer to, others are more distant... Unless we have a truly high degree of closeness, we won't get any friend's opinion on any sort of personal issue. I am not this close with any of my IRL friends as well... It's normal I guess.
As previously mentioned by others try to get them to reconcile and if that doesn't work they need to take some time away from each other. A suggestion for him moving out. Live in a car. Much cheaper than renting or buying a house. Check out videos of Hobo Ahle on youtube. I'm not saying this is the PERFECT solution to this problem, but it is an option to look into. He might just need some time to think. @brasca123 I really only have one IRL friend now and I talk with him about many things. All my other friends drifted away. Whatever everyone has their own life to live. Oh and the generation gap is shit. Some parents get it others don't even know such a thing exists.