Novel The Lord's Atonement

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by sharl, Dec 14, 2017.

  1. sharl

    sharl Well-Known Member

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    Hello! I discovered Novel Updates 2 months ago, and had been greedily reading everything that seemed interesting. I also read a good number of transmigration/reincarnation novel, and couldn't resist trying to write my own take to the concept. Below is what I have so far as far as completed chapter goes, and I'm looking for feedback - how does the flow/pacing feel? Is it too wordy? Should I be more succinct with my words? Or maybe more descriptive? I'm also struggling with the writing style - I'm unsure what sort of style to take.
    Note: the change in style/mood between Prologue and Chapter 1 was intentional. ...having that said, I don't even know if I did an OK job there.
    At the moment I don't have my own site - I might put this up on RoyalRoad once I have more chapters (and I'm happy with it).

    Synopsis Elian von Rieslind left a trail of bloodbath and death in the path he took. From a prince to a king, from a king to an emperor, there was nothing that was out of bound, no approach too immoral to take. A ruthless tyrant to whom everything and anyone was a tool, when the rebellion rose and destroyed him every soul on the street, peasants and nobles alike rejoiced.
    When he woke up again in his younger body, Elian was determined to not repeat the same mistakes.

    This was Lord Elian's attempt to avoid the tragedy that befell him last time... as seen from the eyes of his loyal servant.

    Genre : Fantasy, Daily Life(?)

    Table of Contents (required)
    • Prologue Part 1
    • Prologue Part 2
    • Chapter 1
    NOTE: I'm sorry, I can't edit the Table of Contents to add links... it said I needed at least 5 different posts before I could post links :( Will add links to the ToC once I fulfill the requirements.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017
  2. sharl

    sharl Well-Known Member

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    Prologue: Part 1


    The lone emperor sat on his throne, dying.


    Heat and smoke permeated the spacious throne room, the flame outside more brilliant and mesmerising than the sunset. It had been a while since the fire was lit... it probably won't be long now before the castle crumbled and collapsed, taking down an emperor with it... taking down an empire, an era.


    Elian von Rieslind gazed out of the window, the fire dyeing everything in sight a vivid red. This, he felt, was a fitting end for him.


    From a prince to a king, what had he not done? There was no boundaries too sacred for his ambition. His own brothers had perished from his machinations - his mother had not fared any better. Those who showed a shred of opposition amongst the mobility had disappeared silently.


    From a king to an emperor, what had he not done? Countless death and bloodshed, committed under his command with no remorse. Disparate countries raining blood, with screams of agonies echoing its roads... he had once proudly said, it was something he had to do. Necessary sacrifices - he didn't need any other reason. He had chosen the most violent path towards building an empire out of separate kingdoms because it was the fastest way to do so. Who cared about those that perished, or got used to achieve that goal in the end?


    He had used everything - and everyone - available to him to achieve this. Everything and everyone was a tool to be used and discarded once it served its purpose. How else would he be able to crown himself an emperor at the age of 35?


    Thinking about it, this was and ending he had foreseen as well. Whenever he held court, not a single person in the room, be it ministers or nobles, had looked at him with loyalty. Fear. Uncertainty. Trepidation. Dread. Even the military, who used to hold unwavering loyalty... When there's not a single soul or faction who was loyal to him, how was he to anticipate what the others were planning? Elian did have to concede that it was impressive how all the ministers, nobles and militaries who usually bickered with each other actually united just to overthrow him. Once he's gone they'd probably tear each other apart to claim a piece of the empire, but that would no longer be a concern of his.


    Elian had chased after his ambition with what he had and achieved further than what he thought he would, and for that he had no regret dying now.


    His one and only regret... would be...


    Elian pried his gaze away from the window to the side and looked straight ahead. The double door to the throne room was taller than 4 metres, made of stone and metal. It required a pulley mechanism to open it, and it was meant to be the last line of defense against an invading force, a barrier to prevent anyone from entering the throne room.


    At the moment, a giant log of wood was slotted across the door, preventing the door from opening. They had tried to use battering ram from outside to break the door open, and the door had stood still. The wood log had showed cracks along its veins, but it had not broken. And right in front of that wooden log was the shape of a person standing, head bowed down, arms spread leaning back on the wooden log.


    Zel.


    The one person who had stayed loyal to him. Who had stayed with him to the bitter end. Who had fought and braved assaults just to carry him to the throne room and set him down on the throne, before sealing the door and leaned against the door as a last line of defense. Who had used all the strength available to push back against the force of the battering ram, no matter how futile it seemed, even as pain surged in that figure, now looking frail and worn.


    Something caught in Elian's throat. The only one who had stayed by his side through it all, and he had never once saw Zel as something more than a tool to be used and discarded. Something constricted in his chest. The feeling was more painful than the poison that was killing him slowly.


    Elian looked at his left wrist. 5 diamond shaped marks were on the inside of his wrist - the first one on the left was dark grey, while the other 4 were black. Each diamond was a symbol for a bond-servant, each diamond a sign to show whether a bond-servant was alive or dead. His eyes fixated on the grey diamond. It had not turned black, so Zel was still alive...


    Before his mind could even come up with a reason, Elian propped himself off the throne using his arms. He promptly fell to the floor, the impact on his legs shot up intense pain. Elian gritted his teeth and waited for the pain to lessen a little. Before Zel managed to reach him, they had broken the bones in his legs and shattered his kneecaps, intending to drag him out and parade him around the royal capital. In comparison to that, dying in the throne room seemed more dignified.


    Elian concentrated to ignore the pain. If he could not walk, then he would crawl. Elian started inching forward using his arms, dragging the rest of his body behind. With effort, he crawled down the stairs, and across the expanse of space from the throne to the door. It felt like an eternity.


    After what seemed like forever, he finally made it in front of Zel... briefly, Elian thought this was ironic. He had always been the one to look down on others, and yet for the first time he was the one on the floor looking up at someone else.


    But at this moment, it did not matter. It would no longer matter.


    Elian inched forward, close enough now to touch Zel's legs. He could see the bloodied trousers, and he could see the gash and wounds where the trousers were torn. How many injuries did Zel sustain, just to get to him...? He could also see old scars, all of them acquired in his service.


    "Zel..." his voice trembled weakly. Even Elian was surprised. He had never heard himself like this.


    Elian reached up... but seeing the wounds and gash, was unsure where to place his hand and settled weakly on Zel's left foot instead. This was the first time in his entire life that he had ever touched someone else's foot.


    "Zel... tell me. Why did you not abandon me when everyone else did...?" Elian looked up. Zel's eyes were closed, his face solemn. ...no... not 'his'... 'her'.


    16 years. Zel had been with him for 16 years, and never once Elian considered the slim and lithe bond-servant next to him was female. ...no, that was incorrect. He simply had never bothered. He had not cared enough about anyone.


    And he was not likely to have found out, if not because of the betrayal of his other 'loyal' bond-servant... the 'loyal' bond-servant who poisoned him, who despised Elian for how he had used Zel as a tool.


    "Zel... 16 years... 16 long years... have I done anything... to warrant your loyalty...?" Elian's voice started cracking.


    Elian looked up and took in the sight before him. Zel's slim and lithe body, which always got her teased by the other bond-servants for not being manly... the stench of blood was overpowering at this distance. There was no part of her grey clothing that wasn't drenched in blood. Even her short black hair was matted with blood - there were blood stains all over her face, marked with scars from battles long gone. Her eyes were closed still, and Elian realised he did not even know what colour her eyes were. It had never mattered, so he didn't pay any attention. And her voice... he could barely recall that quiet, soft voice who never spoke more than necessary.


    "Zel... wake up. This is an order. I order you... wake up. Leave this place... and live... freely." His voice was barely a whisper.


    This... might be the end for him, but it did not have to be the end for her. Not for her, who had never abandoned him... He had never done anything for her... at the very last, he could dispel her contract and let her live freely. Elian tightened his grip on Zel's foot, hoping it would be enough to wake her up.


    As he looked down, trying to recall how to dispel the contract, his eyes swept over his own hands, and on his left wrist... that left most diamond had turned pitch black at a time he wasn't aware.


    Black... signified death. Zel... was gone.


    An unfamiliar, warm sensation was on his cheeks. Elian raised his left hand to touch it... and realised he was crying. Elian blinked once, twice. Tears...? Now, of all time...?


    When did he last cry...?


    Even when he discovered that his wife, his empress, had tried to poison him... even when he ordered her to be beheaded, knowing full well she was pregnant, he did not shed a tear. But this...?


    "...you made your Lord cry, Zel. That's an unforgivable sin." Elian looked up again and found that he could still manage a smile, even though his heart felt hollow. "I will have to think of a punishment for you..." at this, his smile cracked and Elian started sobbing, the first one he could remember since he was a little boy, the sound drowned by the crackling of fire outside.


    Zel, who had followed him unquestioningly. Elian choked back a sob.


    Zel, who had carried out each and every one of his orders, no matter how outrageous and cruel it was. Elian no longer held back and screamed, a sound unbefitting of an emperor.


    Zel, who sacrificed everything that she was, just so he could chase after his ambition. Elian dragged himself forward, hugging Zel's leg, feeling the coldness of her skin. "I'm sorry..."


    And above all, Zel, who had wanted nothing more than to fulfill his wish, when he himself had never even considered her existence. Ah... it hurt, it hurt so much...


    If anyone was in the throne room, they would agree that the emperor's voice sounded inhuman. A cry with so much sorrow and regret... and yet, who was he crying for? The dead bond-servant he clung to, or himself...?


    Did she hear any of his sincere words, before she left him alone...? Elian looked at Zel through his tears. Zel's face was solemn, not a trace of emotion on it. Even with those scars on her face, she looked... divine. Flame and sunset casted a red hue on her cheeks, reflecting a pink shade on her pale lips. She looked like she was just... sleeping... "Were you ever... happy...?" he stared at her, committing the sight in front of him to memory. Elian wanted this to be the last thing he saw before he died.


    As the fire raged and the palace crumbled, the era of the first founding emperor of Camarille ended. No one was there to hear the last promise he whispered to his last bond-servant.
     
  3. sharl

    sharl Well-Known Member

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    Prologue: Part 2

    Elian woke up with a terrible headache. His head felt like it was splitting and the bright sunlight coming from the window seared his eyes. He turned around on the bed away from the window, the action bringing more pain to his head.


    As the pain subsided, Elian looked around. This... was the bedroom he had growing up. The pale blue wallpaper was as he remembered, and that wooden table with a chess set on top of it was just like how he always remembered his room...


    But he had not stepped foot inside his childhood bedroom since he was crowned a king, and the room had been turned into his private study quite a while back. So why was he...?


    At that moment, the door opened and a small, lithe figure stepped inside, a tray in hand. Elian looked at that figure, flabbergasted. The person had equally noticed Elian. Quickly putting the tray down next to the chess set, the person rushed to Elian's side.


    "My Lord! You're awake!" The last time Elian heard that voice felt like ages ago.


    Elian looked at this person in front of him, not believing what he was seeing.


    Zel was here. Zel, alive... much younger than the Zel he remembered leaning back against those doors in the throne room. She was shorter, skinnier... and there was no scar on her face.


    "Zel..." Elian choked. His throat felt dry.


    Hearing this, Zel hurried back to the table and poured a glass of water before helping Elian to sit up and drink the water. Once the water was finished she helped him to lie down again.


    "My Lord, please wait, I'll bring you a change of clothes." Without waiting for a reply Zel quickly disappeared off a side door. It was only then Elian noticed that his clothes - his sleeping clothes - were drenched with sweat.


    Left alone, he had the chance to think... had he... been thrown back to the past? He glanced at his left wrist... there was only 1 diamond mark on it, its colour blinding white against his skin. A flash of memory surfaced, of seeing that diamond mark coloured pitch black... Elian shivered.


    Zel reappeared shortly, carrying a folded white shirt in her hands. Without a word, again she helped Elian to sit up and and started taking off his shirt, her movement devoid of hesitation. This... felt like it did happen before.


    "Zel... what happened? Why am I..." If this was the past... when in the past was it?


    Zel raised an eyebrow. "My Lord had an accident during the royal hunting festival. His Royal Highness announced that... the horse... looked like it got spooked by something and threw you off..." her voice trailed off.


    Both of them knew that the explanation was never that simple.


    But this gave Elian a clue. The royal hunting festival. He did get injured at the festival he attended when he was twenty. There was no severe injury, but his body burnt with fever for a week.


    Twenty years old... in his previous life it had taken him 15 bloodied years become an emperor. All the choices, all the mistakes he had made before... this time he would make use of those knowledge for this second chance.


    This time, Elian von Rieslind would make the right choices.
     
  4. sharl

    sharl Well-Known Member

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    Chapter 1: Something is Wrong with My Lord

    ...something was terribly wrong with Lord Elian ever since he recovered from his fever. He seemed... almost like a different person. Zel even suspected that the soul inside had gotten replaced, except that to her knowledge a soul swap was something impossible even with the most advanced arcane art.


    But... how else was she to explain this...?


    Like yesterday, at dusk she knocked on the door and entered the room to find Lord Elian... already awake and sitting up on his bed. His blue eyes were fixated on the sight outside of the window. When Zel entered he glanced at her briefly before looking outside once more.


    Zel approached him quietly and set the silver tray she was carrying on his bedside table. On it was his usual morning habit - a pot of black tea (the best one in the country, picked in a village high in the mountains) with a dash of sugar, a silver cup on a saucer and a basin with lukewarm water to wash his face with.


    Lord Elian looked at her - the silence was a second too long compared to his normal habit, and nodded. "Thank you, Zel." He leisurely started washing his face.


    Zel, on the other hand, had shrunk back, suppressing the desire to run away. This was the second morning since Lord Elian recovered from his fever... did the fever damage his head beyond repair...?


    Zel had served Lord Elian for 2 years, and during those period he had ever said thank you to her... twice. Yesterday morning and today. For 2 years, every single morning that she had arrived in his room on time, served him his morning habit, prepared his bath, served him breakfast and helped him get changed... Lord Elian had never given her anything beyond a nod or the occasional grunt.


    These last 2 days... not only was he thanking her, he even bothered to spare the extra effort to call her name. ...seriously, what was wrong with Lord Elian?


    ...maybe it was an impostor...?


    But Zel couldn't figure out when the swap would had happened... plus, when she was helping him change yesterday she secretly checked and his birthmark was where it should be, so an impostor was unlikely.


    There was also something else... yesterday and today, as Lord Elian sipped his tea he stared out of the window, looking like he was deep in thought. Was he looking for something...? The Lord that Zel knew would go to his study table and read his reports whilst drinking tea. For that usually workaholic Lord to be this leisurely...


    The curiosity was unbearable.


    Zel gathered her courage and stepped forward. "My Lord...?"


    Lord Elian broke his reverie and turned to look at her. Immediately Zel felt like running away again. The Lord had never, ever looked at her. Even if she called out to him, he would only tell her to speak without ever turning to look at her. To have him suddenly look at her like this... had she offended him, somehow?


    "You may speak." The Lord could probably see how hesitant she was to continue her question...


    "My Lord..." Zel gathered all her courage to look at him, "...is something bothering my Lord?" She tried to think of what it could be. Think, think! What was outside of the window? Apart from the balcony... what could the Lord see from the balcony? What was in that direction? The rose garden? "Is... perhaps, the garden not to my Lord's liking?"


    Even Zel realised how stupid this question was as soon as she said it. Lord Elian, to whom things like gardens and roses were nothing but mere decoration...


    Lord Elian smiled faintly at her. Zel looked down. It was indeed a stupid question. Zel guessed that this was the part where she would get punished for even asking. The usual punishment would be to not let her eat for a day... thankfully she was used to hunger.


    "The garden... is fine. There is nothing wrong with the garden." That voice did not sound angry or annoyed. Zel risked a glance up to see that Lord Elian had turned to look at the sky again.


    "I just thought... sunrise is so beautiful. Why have I never noticed this before?"


    Zel thought she would probably need to cut her ears off. Treacherous, deceitful ears... it had even started letting her hear lies and illusions. The first and last time she had ever mentioned about the sky being beautiful in the Lord's presence he had casually said that the next time she said something like that again he'd blind her eyes.


    So those sentences just now said by the very same person could only be an illusion. A treacherous illusion - it was likely a trap, and the moment she agreed - if she agreed - the Lord would order to have her blinded.


    But... looking at the Lord... he actually did look entranced by the sunrise. There was no trace of mockery in his face.


    Zel would still not risk agreeing with the sentiment. In fact, a change of topic was probably the best option.


    "My Lord..."


    "Hmm?" Lord Elian once again shifted his gaze to her. This attentive behaviour was very scary.


    "The... the horse..." Zel lowered her face to avoid the Lord's gaze. "...does my Lord have any order regarding the royal hunting accident?"


    Zel had expected Lord Elian to deal with the matter the moment he regained consciousness. But yesterday Lord Elian spent the entire day staring at the sky and did not say anything. It felt... wrong. Normally Lord Elian would had dealt with the matter swiftly, efficiently, ruthlessly.


    Lord Elian had spotted a fox a distance away and split from the rest of the crowd, not willing to share his prey with the others. Galloping after the fox he entered the forest area of the hunting ground, where the tree were dense and tall, blocking almost all of sunlight.


    A faint whistling sound and the horse reacted, throwing Lord Elian off. Thankfully Zel had managed to stay close to Lord Elian (even though he galloped away without caring whether Zel would be able to follow), that she was able to immediately brought him to the Royal Doctor to be looked at. Had she lost him upon entering that dense forest... who knew how long it would take to find Lord Elian, and what could had happened in the meantime...?


    Whilst the Royal Doctors were examining Lord Elian, Zel went around to do her work. She figured out which stable the horse had come from, as well as who its trainer and stable master were. She investigate those people's background, their life, their family and also found out who recommended them to be hired in those positions...


    ...all that was left was Lord Elian's order.


    Zel could already hear Lord Elian's voice in her head, complete with its contempt and the derisive smile that would be on his face. They arranged an accident for me, so let's pay them in kind. It will be ironic if they were to get into a tragic accident. Spare no one.


    ...Zel remembered she once asked Lord Elian what he meant by 'spare no one'. It was the first and last time she ever asked that question. She thought that killing every single soul down to the family pet was rather excessive, but an order was an order. On the plus side, she got to use those occasions to test out poisons.


    Zel secretly glanced at Lord Elian. Contrary to her expectation, rather than a smile, Lord Elian looked... thoughtful? ... apprehensive?


    "This accident... let's leave them be."


    ...treacherous ears, maybe she really needed to cut them off. Lying to her twice in a day was inexcusable.


    Zel no longer kept her face down and looked up at Lord Elian. What she saw gave her goosebumps.


    Lord Elian was still looking outside at the sky, smiling.


    Not the usual derisive, cruel mockery of a smile. A soft, gentle smile that seemed peaceful and weary.


    ...maybe she would need to pluck out her eyeballs too. It had certainly started betraying her. Or... had that fall really injured his brain...? ...maybe she just started hallucinating from fatigue.
     
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