So some background is that we are a Chinese family. This started a long time ago, but me and mom just can't have a decent conversation. She speaks mostly Chinese with little understanding of English. I don't speak that much Chinese, but I can understand most of it. I speak to her in mostly English, but where I can I say it in Chinese, I do. It's really frustrating to me, because its like she won't take anything she see's as disrespectful to herself. For example, I once grabbed a box too far and raised it above her head and she got pissed at me for it. Usually, the conversation starts okay, but then we argue about something. Then she gets loud and that ultimately sets me on my nerves cuz it's not needed and it would be a simple issue. I keep telling her to chill out, but that just irritates her and she tells me, I need to chill out instead. So back to why I'm finally asking for advice. My sister is telling her something in English, but she can't understand, so my sister said nevermind. My mom doesn't like that cuz she can't understand and now my sister is breaking the conversation off. So, now I interrupt the conversation by trying to get her to understand, but she's very high strung at that moment and gets loud. Ultimately, I say nevermind, because no matter how much I try to explain it; she doesn't listen and gives me this standoff and "I won't listen to you" approach/attitude. I'm guessing the reason why she won't listen is because I jumped into the conversation. She comes home from work and she asks me what my sister was saying and then it gets to me jumping in. I tried to explain again that i wanted to explain it to her, but she wouldn't take it. Apparently, she doesn't like me joining in on the conversation because she just told me it's "Me on top and everyone else below" sorta in Chinese. Today, she brought something back which is I give her a confused look and she interprets it as me being angry or disrespecting her. I tell her to chill out because she really is high strung, but she doesn't see it that way and instead says I need to chill out. Another thing is, I can understand her in Chinese, but what happens is I'm talking about an entirely separate thing in the beginning, but she said I can't understand her cuz she is still on the other topic. One more thing is, I honestly think its got to do something with Chinese culture and that they don't like you talking back or disrespecting their elders/parents. I just don't know what I can do. I literally have a headache right now its just frustrating cuz I'm trying to talk to her in a calm voice, but she will not to me. I'm thankful for what my mom and dad have done for my life, well-being, and lifestyle, but I just want to get out sometimes. Unfortunately, I have no job, no money, and still in college. So I'm looking for solutions/advice to this problem.
The solution to parents is to always say yes, agree with everything, but never care about what they're saying
if talking doesnt work, try communicating is written form? Also maybe just keep calm. Dont even bother getting irritated since that is whats causing the problems. She;s sensitive as fuck apparently. Gotta give her the same patience and care as you would a child.
I'm sorry, but no. My personality just doesn't allow it cuz if it's not right then I'm going to say something about it.
C'est la vie. People will always have disagreements/misunderstanding between parents. It can get even worse when you're from a different ethnicity, causing a conflict in culture/morals between your culture and your parents' culture. Just don't get hung up on it.
Well, you had been trying to explain while maintaining your calm, I think you had already done your best already. If you were asking for my opinion, the one who's in the wrong is your mother, both of you should throw away your ego and try to talk to each other calmly and listen, until the other side has done talking. Now the problem is the language, it would be impossible to ask your mom to learn english more(by seeing her personality), so I think you have to be the one that learn chinese to the perfection so that you can tell her all the thing that you have in mind. Good luck
I totally understand what you're saying. An option I've always tried to encourage with her is talking through google translate, but the arguing always starts before we get to that point. However, I do think I should probably stop getting irritated.
Well, in indonesian there i also these culture that forbid u to talk back to ur parents. So, if my parents got angry at me, i always just stay silent and listen to her, never talk back even tho have sth to explain. Then just leave and give explaination in other times where she doesnt get angry anymore... And about language barrier, just study it more then. Here in my tribe, younger people must speak in softer language to older people, different to common language to speak to people in same age. But apparently almost no young generation speak it fluently, and some older people really get offended by this.
I feel for you guys. I come from a family where my mother speaks Spanish and very little English but we lived in an English speaking country. Us kids were born and grew up there so we knew English, but fortunately we also understood Spanish and at home we spoke Spanglish. I used to have to translate and speak for my mom in official settings with other adults from a really young age. ANYHOW, there is a lot going on in your home. Your mom is culturally different to the rest of you, but she has to be a parent and you are her children. Whatever you do, take the moment to appreciate that it's a bloody difficult position and then remember that you are a family. If I were you, and this is annoying me, I would try to learn conversational Chinese and let your mom in on your project. That might bridge the gap immensely. She will know you are trying and you will learn a really good skill. I was looking at picking up some conversational japanese and used Duolingo. It's actually really good and easy to learn! You would be very fortunate as you will have a Chinese speaker to get feedback to as well.
Thank you for acknowledging my best. I do not think we are going to be able to throw away our ego's and talk calmly because honestly don't think she's will talk calmly on a debated topic. Really nice on the observation on her not likely to learn english. I am probably going to have to learn chinese, if i ever want to talk properly. Thanks, I think your last sentence goes really well with "C'est la vie".
well maybe keep premade letters or something. like, "sorry if i seem annoyed or angry, its not my intention. Please understand that im merely trying to explain (insert subject needing explaining) to you. If it appears im being disrespectful, i apologize" Cuz you gotta understand its how you word things too that can get you in trouble. People like to nitpick sentences and twist them around so you cant give them the chance to. Keep a cool head. Cuz then you can accuse HER of being childish and remain superior to her in terms of acting mature and reasonable. And so you get to lord it over her. Forever.
Something that might work, stand your ground, act tough, and get her attention by shouting stop really loud, and keep on interrupting her until she stops and listen. Works for my niece when she wants something...until i grab ahold of her and put her in the timeout bucket. Edit: Beware, in traditional chinese culture, your parent can hit you as hard as they want if you did something they deem wrong, and don't run from it, it'll just make their image of you worse, just take the hit quietly.
Is it weird of me to think that your mom have been speaking Chinese with you all your life and you still couldn't converse with her in Chinese? I know that some people prefer to use English more when speaking with others but you should still be able to pick up more than a bit of the language when you've been with her since young. I'm sorry if it sounded harsh, I just think that it's weird. Though, I do agree with earlier comments that you should learn your mom's mother language, just to make things easier between both of you.
I just can't be silent cuz if it were something i didn't like, i will say something about it. Also i tried to talk to her at a different time, but it just escalated again. Your first paragraph is pretty similar to what I had to do as well when I was younger. I'll definitely try to learn some chinese after looking at your advice, but i probably won't let my mom in on it. For reasons, I'm not particularly chummy with my parents, and i'm a solo person. I will use Duolingo, Thanks.
My relationship with my parents was also love/hate. We kinda love each other from a distance which is weird but it works. Hang in there and don't be a stranger.
It sounds like a good idea, but i just can't like the idea. For one reason I'm not really chummy with my parents and i don't think it will help in the heat of the moment. I understand you on being clear with wording, i've had trouble with that too. ehh your last sentence is slightly devious and trying to me in more trouble, cuz i don't think that works in Chinese culture. Definitely WILL NOT WORK, she will just yell back and say i'm disrespectful and that i'm not a good kid and it just comes back to the chinese culture. Slightly sad, that running away makes their impression of you worse??? How does that work? Definitely not weird of you to think that, but early on i was in school and she was working all the time. Plus i spoke more with the family friend that was taking care of us than my mom, I think. Anyways they never really pushed us to learn chinese, and we never pushed for it either. Actually nevermind, they put me in some chinese course at a university when i was 15, but guess what. It was a class of 1st graders cuz I would have had to start at the beginning.
I think thats all that I can really do in this situation. Use google translate, and talk calmy as well as being coolheaded. I will also need to learn chinese. Thanks to everyone for helping me with the advice. Nice to see serious answers. One more thing, This text editor is horrible. Kept backspacing and it would push me back to the other word.
maybe just try slipping your mom some Abilify then? that helps with mood swings. St.John's Wort does the same, easier to find prolly too. Just mix it with some tea or some shit, maybe crush it into a powder or if it comes in those capsules you can open just mix it in that way.
I guess it could be hard to get how that happens, but it's like this: immigrant parents usually work REALLY hard, all the time to provide for their children. When you don't understand the language well, the types of jobs you get are low paying and horrible hours. These take up the time you usually would spend with your family. It's not that they don't love you, it's just that they are doing the best that they can with what they have. Parents like that will also encourage you to learn the 'foreign' language over their native so that you don't go through the same trials and tribulations. It's ultimately about giving your kids everything they can to give them an edge. This kinda thing is hard to understand when the accepted norm is that parents satellite their kids as the centre of the family universe. The experience of a migrant family is different because our needs are different. Kids from migrant families grow up early and usually tough and independent. Not by design, but by necessity. I don't always agree with my parents, but I respect them as fck and love them for the love they did show us in what they did for us.