Well, I decided to start my own novel, named Immortalis. The story is about a man being reincarnated in an another world with an immortal body. I always thought that the theme of "reincarnated in a new world" was interesting but never used very cleverly, so I wanted to try by myself. Synopsis : I sought death more than anyone else. But the gods decided to give me a fate more terrible than that. I reincarnated in a immortal body, unable to free myself from my past, and my fate... Genre : Action, Adventure, Psychologie, Drama Table of content : Chapter 1 Chapter 2 I'm always one chapter ahead on WN, check my signature.
Sounds interesting. You’ll need to the thread to follow the rules and formatting. https://forum.novelupdates.com/threads/community-fiction-rules.61/
Chapter 1: A Light Made of Despair Death. This is the end of every living being, an obligatory passage. An unchangeable fate. And this is probably one of the biggest fears humanity has felt uniformly since the beginning of society. Even me, who thought little of death, feared it. I feared death a little. Since I had to imagine myself no longer thinking. I did not have to think about anything anymore, that's what characterizes death. Thinking about "something", no matter how weird it is, is not that difficult at the end, but thinking about nothing is fundamentally impossible. I feared that, an impossible outcome that I could not think of. In the same time, I was attracted by death. The unknown always attracted me, and death was the unknown. It was also a source of liberty. Being able to free myself from my past was the greatest pleasure I could think of. So death was what I feared because I couldn't think beyond that, but also because I would be unable to think, was what made me attracted to it. Yeah, I'm contradictory. But right now, I'm lying on the ground, bathed in my own blood. It's dark and cold, I can't move but at least, I can see the stars. My injury are bit too sever this time, I won't make it. What a beautiful night. But what a pathetic death I am suffering. Alone in the dark, without someone to assist me in my last breath. No friends or family anymore. It's a proper death for someone like me. I don't deserve to be liked or loved during my last breath. I don't deserve someone to cry for me. I just deserve to die alone, crying in my own blood and agony. The fact that I was gonna die wasn't that hard to swallow, but the pain, the darkness and the loneliness made me frightened of death. Something that can be felt only by living it. Damn, it's horrible. At a certain point, I stopped crying. I was too tired to cry anymore, but I felt something that I didn't expected, happiness. All of my worries, my sadness, my story, everything that made what I am today would be irrelevant in front of death. Knowing that I could escape from my past, made me forget everything that I feared about death. ... Now, I can't hear anything. I could hear before the wind rubbing in my ears, and the noises coming from my car, but now, I can't hear anything. Ah, and I can't feel my own wound anymore. In fact, I can't feel any part of my body. I can only see what is in front of me, the stars. Hmm, not bad at all. I wonder what I will become after my death. Will I truly stop thinking for eternity ? If heaven and hell exist, I wonder at which point hell is terrifying. I won't have a chance to go to heaven with what I've done in my life, and probably not the purgatory either, so hell seems to be the only place possible. But knowing how many religions there is in this world, and the many variations of heaven and hell each of it has, it became meaningless to think where I will be going and how it's gonna be. After all, I could also think about the heaven of the vikings, Valhalla or the legendary Olympus for the Greeks. Right now, peoples are laughing at absurdity of those beliefs, but maybe in a few hundred or thousands years, our current beliefs will be meaningless too. What am I thinking ? I'm an atheist... I think ? So why am I thinking about something I don't give a crap about ? Yeah, I do feel interested by those subjects, but only on a sociological and psychological point, not beyond that. I thought I could better understand humans and their ways of thinking if I studied theirs oldest beliefs. Well, I was able to understand them better, but it has also raised his lot of question, like in science, when a question is answered, ten more are raised. If I had not succumbed to my desires, I could have lived a proper life. I could have a caring wife, trues friends that I could relies on, kids that would've called me "daddy" with care and love, and finally dying in peace with my family beside me, and a smile on my face. Don't blame me for what I've become, blame my parent and the society for that. I thought that if I became the strongest, I could live a proper life. Everything that I sought would automatically add up in my life if I was strong enough. Even now, I still think it wasn't unreasonable to think like that, but the process behind that outcome is beyond the capacity of every men. How naive I was. I could become one the strongest, but not the strongest. Ah, I should stop thinking about that. Thinking about my own naivety annoys me... Now that I think about it, where is my dear companion ? He's the source of my nightmares, but also my oldest "friend". Well, at least, even though I hated him, I know he can't betray me at least, unlike the others... Whatever, I don't care anymore. I can't see now, how great. There is still a few seconds before my official death I think. I feel sleepy. If god exist, I hope he can answer a few of my questions, or I will show him how beautiful my middle finger is... Yeah, maybe not that, I don't want to suffer for eternity for such a thing, haha. Thinking about the fact that I'm not going to think anymore make me happy, that's odd. ... I'm dead now I guess. I can't hear something beside myself, nor can I see, sense or move. How weird, I couldn't see something but now, I can see a light above me. It doesn't seems to be a star. What the is going on ? I can feel my feel my arms and legs, but it's hurt ! I can hear but very badly. Heaven or hell, I don't care but please, tell me what's above me will make me forget about my past. This is the only thing I wish. God, this is the first time I'm praying for you but if you're here, relieve me from my past please. No matter what it is, please make sure that it is the light of my liberation...
Reading it over at Webnovel I have found some problems that I think should be addressed. First off please try to space out the paragraphs/lines more. It hurts the eyes a lot when you have a huge wall of text when you try to start reading it. Try to keep the amount of lines under a certain threshold unless it is a special case, and even then it shouldn't be used, if at all, as it tends to push readers off with the tl;dr sort of situation when they have to keep going back and re-reading since they lost track of where they were. Second: I did notice some slight grammar problems here and there, nothing like wrong spelling but some unneeded words that shouldn't be there in chapter 2 especially, but I wasn't reading it to intensely so I would fail to know if there would be anything else to note. Third: I love the premise but please try to refrain from info dumps. We've all read a lot if we're on here so I don't think I need to say how much everybody hates info dumps, that's why chapter 2, to me, was kind of hard to read. It wasn't bad in any sense of the word, however it did have a lot of information that needed to be retained, plus with how much you're pushing for an accurate representation of real life in how it would feel to be a baby with an adults memory makes it hard on the eyes. Now I would like to address the good aspects on your novel. I love the premise of it, plus with how much you are actually trying to go for accurate representations makes it an amazing start for me. The potential for this novel is obvious with just the synopsis, however please try to make the synopsis longer please if you can. Most have tried for this sort of idea or close to idea but have failed miserably with it going way to off track in any which direction so if I'd have any advise as a reader. Please try to keep a main focal point for your novel. Keep something or another that reminds you on what sort of novel you're trying to convey to your readers/audience. It's like those novels that have a main focal point on something interesting, but get so distracted on something else about the character that the thing that was supposed to make the whole story interesting and why it was even made into a novel to begin with. Here's some helpful information to you for future reference if it helps at all! I sure did need it as well when I first started off (Though honestly I'm still really new to this myself)
Chapter 2: A New Chance in a New World The light became more and more dazzling, and after that, my eyesight became dark again, but I could hear what was around me, pretty much. I heard voices, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I felt someone taking me in their hand. Was I saved in the last minutes ? The fact that someone was taking me in his hands didn't shocked me that much, but the fact that his body was much larger than mine terrified me. "What the f*ck? Am I being taken by a monster or something?" I shouted in my mind. I tried to speak but I could only cry and shout. I had trouble to move my body. In a state of shock, I started to lose my consciousness... From now on, everything is fuzzy. I think I wake up a few minutes a day before losing consciousness and regain it again, and so on. Time seems to pass very quickly, and the more time passes, the more I realize about my surrounding. I heard more and more voices and I'm able to identify them individually. I can't understand what they're saying, I'm fluent on a few languages such as english, spanish, italian, french and russian and I can recognize a few language from Africa, but I've never heard the language the people around me are speakin Now, I can see everything in front of me in a radius of 60 centimeters. I can see but the only colors that I can perceive are red, blue and green. Before that, I could barely see in black and white, like on those ancient T.V. I can also perceive and feel more clearly my limbs, and it was at this point that I understood what was going on. I had two explication for what was happening The most simplest explanation was that I was reincarnated in a new body, and from the language they spoke, maybe another world. The second explanation was that I became crazy and that everything here is a product of my imagination. Maybe I'm dreaming, like those guys who are able to dream in a deep comas. But the pain, and everything I'm feeling around seems to prove the contrary. I'm sure at 90% percent that I'm not dreaming, but the fact that I'm in a new body, maybe in a new world, seems less likely than me dreaming in a hospital. I thought deeply about it, and I came to the conclusion that I was reincarnated in a new world. The reasons for why am I thinking about that is simple. First my surrounding. It seems I'm living in a little house. there is no glass window, but just wooden shutters. Much of what surrounds me is made of wood, not properly detailed though. The walls are made of brick, and I sleep in a small bed, which looks like an infant bed, but with shorter bars. The outlines of the furniture in my room are rough and it is honestly a bit cold here. If I wasn't covered with several bed sheets, I would soon be dead from cold. I can tell that I'm not living in a luxurious place, but also not on a desolate one, a common place seems to be the good words to describe the current place I'm living in I think. There is no way to warm up by any futuristic means such as a heater too. I could have just blamed that by the fact that I live in a remote territory of without any futuristic means, but it's the second fact that made me understand that I live in another world, my body. I'm clearly in a baby body, but more importantly, it's the growth I made that made me understood that I'm not dreaming. First, I could see barely what is in front of me in a radius of 20 centimeters, and only in black and white. I couldn't differentiate clearly what is in front of me, but after some time, I was able to see some object roughly of 20 millimeters that are 60 centimeters ahead of me. I was only able to see in white and black, and my vision was bad for an unknown reason, but then, I was able to see what was in red, green, blue and yellows, which corresponds to the evolution of the sight of a baby. My listening was perfect since the beginning too, the ears are one of the most sharp sense a baby have when he is born. There is also the fact that I'm collapsing a lot. A baby sleep a lot on a day, but that does not justify the fact that I remember so little of what happens every day. My brain is probably unable to remember and process everything I'm sensing in a day, adding the fact that each times that I'm waking up, I'm thinking a lot of things a baby would be incapable to think of too. The human memory is not linear, it jump across time and with the brain of a baby, it's probably on a much larger scales than an adult, that's why I'm feeling that time passes so fast. It's already a miracle that I'm able to think that much with a brain of a baby, in my current state, my thought are probably slower than when I was an adult too... If I was in a dream, my mind wouldn't be able to put me in this situation, since I can't remember in what state I was when I was a baby, and even if I know the state a baby should be, what would have been logical then, would be thinking of myself of being a baby, while retaining all my current senses as an adult since dreaming is perceiving without being restrained by the senses. Well, let's stop thinking if what I'm seeing is real or not, since it's technically impossible to prove at 100% that everything around me is real, let's just assume the most convenient choice, me in an another world. With all of those information, I could deduce that I am actually a baby around five months. Having realized that I was reincarnated, I only felt one emotion, despair. I can't clearly see everything around me nor of my global state, but I can clearly remember my past, the only thing that followed me in this life, and the only thing I wished to disappear is still here. I'm in a new world, with a new setting, but still with the same things that haunt me. Think about it, if you're reincarnated in a new world and in a new body, how would you feel ? The fact that everything in your life, every person you've encountered, every happy and sad moment you lived, and every actions you made became meaningless is more terrifying than it seems. Unless you saw in that a new chance to start a new and exciting life, no one should be perfectly happy in that situation. Only the most delusional, naive and the most hopeless ones would truly wish of a new beginning. What if everything in my life is gonna be the same, like in my old life ? Sins can't be washed on a man, you either let them kill you, or you grow bigger to support them. Obviously, I seemed to be in the first case, but I revived with a new setting, but my sins are still weighing me, and now they are supposedly irrelevant since I started a new life? Bullshit. Peoples can't forget their regret that easily... The environment is different indeed, but my personality doesn't seems to have changed. Humans have the capacity to adapt on a new environment... but my case is strange enough for that rule to not apply correctly. No matter what you did or how you lived in your life, you will feel regret and pain at some point if you reincarnated in an another world since you've lost your "home" forever. And for your parents and your friends? How would you feel about them? Well, this question does not concern me, but I find it difficult to accept my new "parents" and simply forget my precedents. No matter how horrible they were, they loved me, but in their own way. I feel like I'm betraying them by accepting my new "parents", and betraying what is dear to me is one of the things I can't do, it's one of my absolute rules. Never betray those who are dear to you, and never be betrayed by those you trust. Trust is what really defines a family, a friend and a foe, that's the importance they place on it. I can't clearly understand what my "parents" are saying when they are talking even now. I can identify the word "mom" and "dad". I can also identify their faces, but not completely their bodies. My father is around 1.80 meters, he has red hair and a robust body but not enough muscular to identify him as intimidating. My mother is around 1.60 meters, with black hair and a cute face, who shines with kindness. I also could identify their names, my dad name's is Freyley Guaris, and my mother name's is Freyley Celia. And finally, what seems to be my name, Freyley Varos... I'm gonna try to identify more clearly where am I, and if I'm truly in another world or not... If I am truly in another world, maybe I will truly be able to change and free myself from my fate...