What to do when you have a controlling mother?

You keep your head down and have a plan for moving out when you turn 18.

Avoid speaking to her as much as humanly possible. There's no point in talking back to someone delusional. She asks you to fix an imagery problem, you go and pretend to fix it right away and say, "thanks for letting me know" and go back to whatever you were doing.

If it get's physical, consider contacting authorities. Avoid the school, since they will often talk to your parent first and make everything worse.

That's about all you can do.

 

If it gets too bad, maybe you can stay with a relative till your old enough to support yourself.

 

I'll be honest, I used to have similar problems with my mom. Not to the degree you're going through (not even close) but the verbal put downs and lack of logical reasoning when I argued for something i felt I was within my rights to defend sound dangerously familiar. Overbearing and unreasonable, she'd sometimes come home from work mad coz of her boss or coworkers, and just verbally take it out on me. It was demeaning, and the worst part was that she knew I wouldn't physically escalate our almost daily arguments because that's just not how I was raised, and she took advantage of that to really make me feel worthless in the best way she knew, by emotionally and psychologically tearing me down. It was really toxic. My best advise is physical distance, really. College was a godsend, since it sent me outside her sphere of authority, and since my presence wasn't there to needle her. Become distant (at some point I think I spent about 2-3 months where my only communication with he was through monosyllabic grunts of approval and refusal), learn to stay out of her way, and communicate what your going through to your siblings and dad, try get them to see your perspective. Preempt her attempts to needle you by sticking to your routine of whatever she claimed you did wrong (in my case it was chores, always godamn chores) and pretty much leave her no ammunition to work with. It's a shitty situation where you have to work around a parent, but I can say for sure that I enjoyed my home life a lot more once I realized I didnt ave to deal with her shit if I didn't want to. Good luck dude, hope this helps...

 

I personally think this is the best option, but be sure to have a recording of the abuse. Your family don't look like they will back you. Getting a court order to prevent her approaching you will be good if that's available in your country.
The next best option i can think of, is to move out of your house if that's viable.

In any case, I believe cutting off ties and getting off their radar is preferable. It's pointless to move out, only for her to crash in when she feels like it.
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If you are underage, I can only hope you could get a recording and consult with an adult you could trust or the law. The law looks the best option if your country has good policy in place and proper officers who help citizens. A trusted adult here means someone who does what is best for you, checking regularly, contacting the authorities if need be, not one who just confronts your family and leave after scolding or ranting to your family.

 

It's obviously your fault, you ungrateful child. Be a good kid. Help her out, make her happy. You're her child, treat her like a queen.

 

Considering the circumstances telling her off is the worst option available.

1. It could potentially escalate the situation into physical abuse
2. There is no one to back op or to break up the fight if it gets dangerous
3. Even if the fight ends and authorities get involved, with no outsider who know of the situation, nor family who is neutral, op could get framed.

 

Contact someone you trust or can trust who’ll help you get help.

I feel like some people can’t get it through their thick skulls that you don’t need to have kids. They feel like it’s required of them. Same with marriage. Some even start off thinking it’ll improve their own happiness or relationship. It’s delusional. Futhermore, it goes beyond just a responsibility.

 

You have tried. Like, 90% of the effort here is made by you. All i can say is that its not your fault when the other side didnt reciprocate your earnest feeling

 

You have many options to choose.
first of all, how old are you?
You said that you work.
So I think you can now live on your own.
Or if you have grandparents or relatives to live in that will be more good. Grandparents will be the best.
If your parents doesnt allowed you to do so, make up some things to make it happen and get some one to defend you. Your grandparents or relatives to get away from your home.
The more important thing is to tell it to someone(your grandparents or relatives) your case. Your father cant help you in here cuz he is on your mothers side and also your brother so your grandparents or relatives is the best option.
The most proper thing to do is to avoid your mother because she is harming you, so you have to leave your home.

 

grow up and leave the nest. might need to do both at the same time. rent your own place and make your own rules. you do seem to have some income. although it seems you are under-age as well, so I guess explain her that you are going to leave the house as soon as you are legally adult and the reasons behind it.
It's first world problems anyways. Just try to make some distance (physical) with her/your parents. You are welcome to repeat all the mistakes your parents made. You are not lucky enough to get own place you like in parental house. Make your own one outside. Some people can milk their own parents for ages.

 

Well... My condolences...
Let me guess, you're a first child? And definitely a girl.
Your explanation feels like there's no good memory, or is it?

 

start the rebellious phase again

 

Tell your mom to post her side of it, then I can form a proper opinion. Your mom reminds me of my mom, but you are a lot whinier than I was when I was a kid. If you want people to understand you, you should first try understanding them without putting your own spin on it

 

OP - this IMO is some of the best advice around.

Also look here https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

 

As quite a few people have said above, it'd probably be best to move out as soon as possible and not interact much with her/them. And if you can't do that for some reason, then cut your losses as much as possible. Try to avoid creating conflict and take care of yourself. It's ok to shut yourself off from your family emotionally if you feel like they cause you too much pain. Although some may view it as a great virtue, I don't think being filial is all that important in cases like this and it seems like you've done your part this far too. Just focus on yourself and making each day somehow enjoyable for you.
I hope you'll be able to make it through this *pats and gives cookie*

 

I hope you know that like almost all of the stuff you said is pretty illegal. So you could always go to the police. I understand that you dont want to ruin the illusion of familial bonds and likely get everyone angry with you, but you gotta look out for yourself first. If you are old enough or have options, leave. If no to either of those then try to have as little contact with her as possible. Hell at this point even buying her tickets to things to get her out of the house is starting to sound good. The only thing I can say is "blood you need effort to love isn't family" dont remember who said it, you can quote me.

 

if it gets to that point then she can easily be reported and if he bruises he can take photos and provide it as evidence. In all likelihood it wont get that far though since she's a bully, little more. Sure that MIGHT happen but not doing anything just because of a possibility is not only stupid its also telling me you dont give a real damn. Not that im bad mouthing you, just using "you" in general. Something has to change, all im saying. Has to, otherwise that shit situation is gonna remain the same and probably give OP some issues later in life if you wanna get psychological about it.

What do you expect him to do though? Telling her off seems the most logical and safe option. Its taking a verbal stand for yourself, which is a good start, and i think anything else would just overcomplicate a currently very simple matter. Maybe she'll over react, yeah, but you cant control how other people respond to you but at the very least you cant say you did nothing.

Wuestion though: How old is OP? And can he get a job within the next few years and support his own self so he can move out and slowly lose contact with his mother after many missed holidays and no phone calls?

 

Im going to give you two seemingly opposing pieces of advice.
Stop trying, and try harder.

By stop trying, i mean with your mother.
Stop trying for her love, affection and approval. Clearly she has a screw loose, and although I understand your natural desire to strive for these things from her, its not going to work.
The only way for her to potentially change is to have something change. I dont think thats going to be her anytime soon. So it’ll have to be you.
Stop trying. Be more apathetic like your brothers. Thats their survival mechanism, and it seems to be working for them.
Hopefully you changing will jolt your mother into realising how good you were and how much you did beforehand.
If it doeant work and she stays the same, then at least you haven’t wasted your time, energy and emotions on her.

My secong piece of advice, try harder.
By this i mean, on you.
Get the best grades, learn as many crafts as you like, and get good.
Become as self reliant and successful as you possibly can. Forget about anything weighing you down or dragging you back. Knuckle down hard and move out as soon as you are able. Focus on whats best for you. If you dont even have your own best interests at heart, who will?

As for jumping into mediate between your mother and brothers, don’t. Let them handle it. I know it’ll be hard and seems cruel, but its not.
If she gets violent then dont jump in, just call the cops or your father.
You putting yourself in harms way to save your loved ones is admirable, but not helpful. You should not ever have to sacrifice your own safety because of your mothers violent episodes caused by others.

And lastly, we cant choose our family unfortunately, however we can choose who we surround ourselves with and how we choose to be.
Get yourself someone to rely on and confide these things to. I would also recommend seeing a school councillor or equivalent if you have one, and talking over options to maybe get your mother help.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

If you're not old enough to move out, and can't move in with some relative (e.g. grand parents), then spend less time at home by going over to some friends house or worst case spend time at the library or the like.

Honestly, talking with some relative, authorities, friends, or anything can potentially just make it worse. So unless she's really not giving you any option, trying to simply avoid her as much as possible is the safest way to go about it.

But unfortunately some people are just out to get you for no particular reason, so if it's not enough to just ignore her and agree to whatever she's saying noncommittally (i.e. just say yes to basically anything without actually doing whatever she's saying and never talk back) then that's when moving out to some relative or something is your only option.

I'm not sure how much you can trust your dad, but it seems like he's not completely against you per se, just following her orders for whatever reason, so if you can get an opportunity to talk with him alone maybe he'll get you out of there to some boarding school or he could directly talk to your grand parents.

But do be careful, since it could really backfire. You're the only one who can judge if anyone is trustworthy enough so I can't really give any direct advice.

There was something about the mom trying to stab OP with a fork, so idk exactly how crazy she is. But the two ways really are to either avoid and ignore or really make a stand for yourself.

If you're going to to be confrontational, then it's VERY important to not be submissive and keeping eye contact. You don't really have to say anything even, and clearly trying to argue isn't working. So if OP is to say anything it would be to simply shout back and make a ruckus.

But either way, exactly what's best is hard to know, and only OP knows her own situation. (I'm assume she's a girl cause hobbies + it says female on profile)