Hi, first of all thank you to anyone who will read my prologue to my story. To put a context it's about the MC starting the same life once again to fulfill a vengeance. Here goes; “Magnolia, daughter of the duke Warren Verweilen of Aschfahl you are accused to conspire murder against Amaryllis, daughter of the marquis Louvain Espoir of Tempus. Face your punishment !” a teenager voice shouted, dressed in a proud royal attire and holding a sword on his waist, in the grand training room of the Holy Academy. Both prince of the Tempus Kingdom, Charles and Domine were glaring at me like a repulsive beast. It’s no wonder that they would be so haughty their country is known for their extravagance despite people struggling in poverty and hated my country they’d called “the barbarian lands” because of our military prowesses. ”Do you even have any proof or testimonies ?” I answered in a calm voice. “Yes, I have !” a timid voice claimed. Amaryllis Espoir how surprising, good job on manipulating those two idiots. A cute but frail girl stepped forward, with a delicate face, fluffy cotton like pink hair and dark eyes. She glanced at me and started to shed tears. “You bullied me for years because of my family wealth ! I know you wanted everything I possess..you always despised me after all since I was prettier than you.” she said shedding her fake tears. “I’ve never done such acts towards you Amaryllis.” I retorted trying to keep my calm. The brothers who couldn’t hold their childlike anger thinking their beloved Amaryllis was bullied, charged like angry bulls holding their royal ceremonial swords, after barely managing to get away from their attack I realized quickly that I had no mean to defend myself. Shit... I tried holding on with all my strength but my vision was getting blurry of all the blood Ioss. Suddenly, a small girl tried to pierce through my stomach with a long dagger coming from my blind spot. Ambre..she always followed Amaryllis like a dog. I broke her hand and slashed her throat with her own dagger as she fell on the ground like a doll without its strings. Both of the prince were fast to reach me in the grand training room and trusted one of their sword in my back leaving me no time to attack with the stolen dagger. My blood splattered down, staining the beautiful white marble as I collapsed looking up to the ceiling akin to a starry sky reflecting the painting of the mother of everything, Freya. I knew it would be my end, how much frustrating as it was already I couldn’t even move, the pain was spreading like a disease to every inch of my body. Tears came by themselves releasing my pain along my blood slowly pouring on the ground. I tried to stand up despite Domine’s sword still in me, but the pain was too much. I screamed with a wailing voice curses toward them showing a pitiful side of the once proud warrior that I was. They stared with an expression I couldn’t describe with my blurry vision filled with tears. I crawled trying to reach them even one bit leaving a long pool of blood behind me, Charles took out Domine’s sword out of my back and pierced my right hand trying to reach them. It hurts so much, I’ll become crazy I don’t want to die like that ! Endlessly repeating that thought in my mind, footsteps came toward me and I felt another trusting through my back making me stuck to the ground once more with an excruciating pain. No..no..no not like that...My eyes were slowing closing forbidding me to see the beautiful paint of Freya. A sweet voice whispered to me. “It's my win” with a chuckling tone. “You whore ! No matter where you are I swear on Freya's name to obliterate that lying face of yours !” Emptying myself of my blood, everything went dark, the pain couldn't be felt anymore and my body was left in that room to rot, like a child would discard its toys away. end of prologue
Perhaps arranging the words in better order would make it read smoother... And grammar editing too. The prologue is interesting and makes you want to continue reading.
Too long too much info at once immediate turn off shorten it down use titles instead of names its too much for a introduction. or idk move it. It's awkward don't need to explain this yet or give us an idea who is narrating. Grammar issues, "PRINCES" not "PRINCE". Instead of "glaring at me like a repulsive beast" use describe the glare, kinda seems like a cop out. When did they behave "HAUGHTY" seems out of nowhere their princes what do you expect. Sentence structure issues, you see the forest but not the trees here, you want to explain the princes country but you go only skin deep. Possibly new paragraph or separate sentence. Who talks like this say this line out loud who would be so calm to talk like this when being confronted, no matter if they transmigrate or whatever its out of place. Similar issue instead of saying "a timid voice claimed." just say "Y--ye-Yes, I--I have!" which portrays the emotions to the reader much better Again, not well described who is this? we only have seen the name "AMARYLLIS" once and well you could go on have a small monologue by the MC describing this person instead they kinda are hey i am timid that is it for my character. This sentence should be part of the monologue about the "AMARYLLIS" character not here separate. also please describe more why the MC dislikes her great time for a description. should be on its own line. "Y--You bu-bullied me for ye--ars ..sniffle.. be--be- because of my fa-f--families WEALTH!..WAHH(big crying noise).. I know you wanted everything I possess..y-y-ou AL--ALWAYS DESPISED ME!”...WAILING NOISE.... that is how the sentence should be obviously look up your own crying sounds. same issue as earlier MC should not be this calm in confrontation, especially against people who so outrank them honestly, too many issues here have them say something have something happen just getting stabbed after retorting seems really unrealistic given what I see everyone's ranks being. or have them speak down to the MC first something it currently holds a negative effect to the story and has no impact besides being inconsistent. describe the blood loss the fading vision the going to black just don't go oh well gonna bleed out now it NEEDS to be describe have fun with it. Makes no sense, how can a person get stabbed with two swords and already have their vision go blurry from blood loss counter attack a perfectly healthy individual, and instantly kill them. redact or rework this. When did the swords leave MC body in the first place??? no explanation. How is MC so fit and agile seriously rework this whole section it does not make sense it will break the readers sense of reality contains grammar issues. Should have been done when the initial stabbing happened not now this whole running away thing is detriment to the story. Still revise or redact this whole area same as above. This whole section needs a final description of what the villain looks like. Also yelling "YOU WHORE!" is not really what I would think would happen from a person bleeding so bad and in so much pain lying on the floor rethink this last line. Instead maybe a brief murmur to the gods name asking for revenge or something before going blank. otherwise well it does not make sense @Leigie Sven Part of writing is learning and heavy revising, I hope you do not get discouraged by my criticisms. Good Luck Writing.
Thank you so much for telling me all the wrong stuff and no don't worry I won't give up on that project ^^ I knew that my grammar and structure was bad since english is not my native language. I usually asked my friend to correct me if something was wrong but seems like the whole thing was poorly written so thank you once again. I can't wait to rewrite everything properly !!
it was not poorly written from a english stand point. It was from a structural standpoint, otherwise it is fine with a few grammatical issues that can be fixed.
Okay ! I'm gonna look up on that tomorrow since it's 2 a.m in my country I update that thread with a corrected prologue thanks again for the constructed critics