Oneshot English Assessment: How Fae Dance In The Rain.

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by UDI, Mar 31, 2019.

  1. UDI

    UDI Writer / Emcee / Lime Blood

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    Hey, guys, its 12 am and I finished my English assessment(bad habit I know) and I thought you guys might like it! it has a 700-word limit so I had to cut out a lot.


    Ever since we were barely blooming from our buds we were told that the rain brought life. We were told of the broken harvests rife with the husks of corn, we were told of parched earth that begged for a drop of translucent yet not clear life. We were told that when the rain came it came from life but what we weren’t told was that that was a lie.

    Nyx, where are you? Lapis stumbled over the heap of old tableware and clothing that was Nyx’s room and found him dreaming away all the garbage that was littered around him. With a splash of water, Nyx came kicking into life, Lapis! Is that not taboo? Nyx spoke with the hollow gravelliness that comes with a dehydrated throat. Obviously uncomfortable Lapis whispers as to not take in, to much-tainted air. The All-Mother says the time is near, so there is nothing to fear. She helped him get up and started to leave in rush. With the help of the smaller blue haired girl, he got up and at em with a strange exuberance.

    He grabbed Lapis as she left and lead her out by the hand. His thoughts were begging to be told and his body language reflected this but Lapis wasn’t one to care about such nuances. He took the lead once more and squealed out his play. Today's the day! Today’s the day! Nyx’s smile was as bright as day. Should I care? Should I care? Lapis warily took part in his play. Why of course, it's the day it arrives, the thing I so yearn. Lapis’s smirk turns to shock. The grungy old caretaker comes wearing all black with her encouragement stick in hand. What's this discourse? Always I hit but you never do learn! Nyx lets go of Lapis and together they make their way to the main hall.

    They stand in a formation consisting of them and the others. A half circle of torch-wielding teenagers st, trapping them in. In the middle standing in rows of five, the children stand motionless, even Nyx daring not to utter a peep. At the front, a choir stands tall upon large steps. Above all the All-Mother stands. Draped in pure white silk, unlike the brown linens the children wore. She keeps her head up and stares towards the heavens not worrying about all lesser. Almost all the children stare in awe at her magnificent malicious presence above them, Almost. Lapis stares, not with admiration but with a look of utter disgust, her fist tightens and her arm beckons to her call slowly rising out in a tiny rebellion. Her hand is caught by a calloused hand. The Caretaker slowly lowers her arm and whispers. You mustn't. I must. Lapis speaks similarly. She looks up at The Caretaker’s tired old face. They’re prey. It is the price we must pay.

    During the choir's many songs the All-Mother hand slowly rises and as though that rise governed time the singers fade. Her beautiful robes remind one of a holy priestess, one about to govern in a new age of life. Her hand rises and points straight at Nyx. The only thing that Lapis could discern from him was utter joy, she uttered once more. Please, not him. It’s not a choice we can make, we can only break from their songs motive and stay safe. The Caretaker's grip tightened and Nyx ran forward. He ran into a small stone entrance to the side and a stone door shut behind him. Tears fell down Lapis’s still stone-like face, not daring to break her expression.

    After a bone-chilling silence that felt like an eternity a drop of red fell from the sky. Red fell increasingly often, turning from a few drops to a drizzle, into full rain. The torches extinguished and a half circle of smoke went up to the sky. The liquid dyed the All-Mothers dress and turned her hailing of god to his antonym. The metallic tasting red diluted Nyx's tears and masked her now raging emotions. Her heart thoroughly broken she mourned while the others ecstatically danced in the rain.

    Reflection:

    How Fae Dance In The Rain is largely inspired by Armadillo. In Armadillo the main character Judy romanticized America but at the end of the text she showed her disdain of It. I did this same thing in my own narrative. I also used this as the inspiration for the dynamic of Nyx and Lapis. I split the optimistic and carefree younger Judy into the character of Nyx. This is shown by his naivety and romanticization of the “day”. Lapis is the cynic of the duo and contains the resentment that was within Judy when she got older. Nyx tries her best to rebel and separate herself from the ceremony but is quickly stopped. My use of metaphors in the text is used to make up for the lack of space for any world building or events. If I rewrote the text I would continue this usage but not leave it as the main source of the description of the environment or events. I had to stay intentionally vague to not only keep with the secretive theme of the text but to again stay within the word limit. In Armadillo, the armadillo is used as an extended metaphor. Although my text does not do this I took inspiration and instead used it as a central theme. From the start to finish the "rain" is the main point and driving force of the narrative. Rhyming and techniques such as repetition are used to give the text flair and help build the central theme giving it a poetic feel. Later on, I reference motif which is a central theme in poetry and music, then both I and the character break this theme in both the narrative and the text. The Caretaker is introduced with an "encouragement" stick to show her as the cruel opposite to the All-Mother however later in the story it is revealed she is not the villain but the hero as she stops Lapis from rebelling, keeping her safe. The only thing I regret and wish to change about the story is the word limit, I had to trim 100 words at the end.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2019
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  2. Solracmar

    Solracmar Zzzzzzz

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    It is good. I am even curious off what did you cu. Can you put it whole in two post ?
     
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  3. UDI

    UDI Writer / Emcee / Lime Blood

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    I mostly cut out extra details and things such as that, the story doesn't continue as I had no need for it to continue. I might extend and re-write it some other day as there is a writing competition in my country which I wish to enter. Although that will only give me an extra three hundred words. Some criticisms would be nice as i have to hand this in tomorrow morning and can still make some changes!
     
  4. Amaruna Myu

    Amaruna Myu ugly squid dokja (●´∀`●)

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    why must my compositions be in regards to real life problems? why must we talk about environment and technology?

    WHY CANT I JUST WRITE FICTION

    I'm pretty sure all I've been writing for 4 years is argumentative writing. and that sucks.
    even Chinese composition gives me a choice of what to write qawsedrftgyhujikolp
     
  5. Solracmar

    Solracmar Zzzzzzz

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    Since you asked. It is about what you put in the spoiler tag .
    You want the caretaker to be seen as a villain initially and as a protector at the end.right?
    So the protector part in holding back lapis is there. However the initial villain is not so clear. You might rewrite this part.
     
  6. UDI

    UDI Writer / Emcee / Lime Blood

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    OH FUCK OH SHIT OH DAMMIT.
    THAT'S MEANT TO BE LAPIS NOT NYX. FUCK.
    WELL FUCK MY A I GUESS I'LL GO FUCK MY SELF.
     
  7. UDI

    UDI Writer / Emcee / Lime Blood

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    Whats wrong?
     
  8. Solracmar

    Solracmar Zzzzzzz

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    If it help i didn't notice that you changed the name until i read again just now.
     
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