I need advise on my writing skills. I can't tell if my grammar and proper usage of 3rd person point of view is correct or not. Valid criticism and helpful remarks are welcomed. If there isn't much problem with how I written this, then I can continue writing as such. I just need a standard or something to base my errors at. Spoiler: Untitled “YOU IDIOT! YOUR IDIOCY IS BOUNDLESS TO A FAULT, YES? TO THINK YOU ACTUALLY ATTEMPTED TO AMBUSH A WITCH WITHOUT THE NECESSARY EQUIPMENT! DO YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE YOU CAN HUNT THEM LIKE HOW HUNTERS DO IT? IF SO, YOU ARE TRULY A FOOL WITH HOPE, JOHANNES F. FAUST!” "You idiot! Your idiocy is boundless to a fault yes? To think you actually ambushed a witch without the necessary equipment for such a task! Do you actually believe you can hunt like other hunters do it? If so, you are truly a fool with hope, Johannes F. Faust!", the Little Girl Immortal, Kris Franks was outraged and furiously scolded her one-and-only kin, because of such a incident, it was a miracle he managed to return intact or alive even. Not completely unscathed as there were punctured holes, lacerated wounds, and signs of poisoning throughout his body in the aftermath of the hunt. “… it is my err, Kris. It will not happen—”, Before Johannes, the newly instated Witch Hunter in Common-Tongue City, was able to give his honest remarks about his grievous mistake. He was silenced by another flood of complaints from his one-and-only master, his second creator and most cherished teacher. “BY COMMON SENSE, EVEN I WHO LACKS MODESTY OF IT, DEFINITELY KNOWS THAT IT SHOULD NOT HAPPEN OR EVEN BE ATTEMPTED AGAIN WITHOUT CONSULTING ME PRIOR TO THE HUNT! WHAT HAPPENED WAS NOT A MERE STAIN ON MY PRESTIGIOUS NAME, BUT ALSO!” "By common sense! Even I who lacks modesty of it, definitely knows that it should never had happened or be attempted by rookie like you! Especially without consulting me prior to this rash decision without knowing consequences! What happened was not a mere stain on my prestigious name, but also!, raising her voice frantically to its highest decibel possible, she continued, “...know that I would lost should you disappear from my sight ever again, Hans~”, sniffling into a little cry. Astounded, Johannes panicked a little and tried to calm his sweet master’s fears, but such an act had been repeated more than once throughout their meetings. Thus resulted,“Psyche!”, in him crashing towards the machine-layered walls in the underground laboratory, from the forceful push of energy released by her. A mischievous face showed on her face, knowing her ploys succeeded again, the little lady clothed in empress black of aristocratic origins, with a custom-sized lab coat covering her, jumped down from the pile of books where she had been sitting arrogantly from above Johannes. In truth, it was just a large difference of height, and for someone of her age, it was an inferiority complex involving not only her height, but also her tastes in learning craft different from her peers, the fellow aristocrat ladies of multiple households from Royal-Air City. “Ugh.”, a muffle sound from the wasted Johannes, who knew he got bodied again for the nth time. Looking down on the easily tricked creation of hers, “Enough, my mood is going to worsen if you continue to act like it hurts a lot.”, she threatened him with something scary even to him should her mood truly worsen. Remembering such a dreadful experience had traumatize Johannes to subservient attitude towards her from thereon. “Yes, Kris. I mean, the Eleventh Frankenstein of the Machine Council, my Lady Franks, and our beloved Mistress of the Dead, the true heiress; my master and second creator, Kristina Frankenstein III.” Johannes instantly stood up and straightened himself almost like a machine that only followed commands with strict precision. Seeing this, Kristina smiled lovingly, because such quick response was only possible through her hands and knowledge. It could be said Johannes was her prized possession and precious masterpiece as the Eleventh Frankenstein. A living corpse made of countless modifications via scientific witchery. She could still remember the grim morning they first met, in the burnt forest with nothing but scorched earth and toxic air poisoning everything alive. A survivor with his whole body severely burned to a crisp, and certainly leading to death condition. There was nothing to recover him from such a wretched state. That is, without her help, and thus in accordance to the Pact, a contract between her and him, they became Master and Servant, Witch and Familiar, Frank and Faust.
That's what I did in the past, but I heard that all caps is good when showing emotion in a character's outburst or dialogue?
No, it's annoyingly attractive (In a bad way) and could easily break the immersion. Use your description and wordings to convey the emotions of the speakers, NOT THIS!
Native speaker of American English. I'll be going by American English rules here. Changes in red. Comments in blue. Spoiler: Edited “YOU IDIOT! YOUR IDIOCY IS BOUNDLESS TO A FAULT, YES? TO THINK YOU ACTUALLY ATTEMPTED TO AMBUSH A WITCH WITHOUT THE NECESSARY EQUIPMENT! DO YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE YOU CAN HUNT THEM LIKE HOW HUNTERS DO IT? IF SO, YOU ARE TRULY A FOOL WITH HOPE, JOHANNES F. FAUST!” "You idiot! Your idiocy is boundless to a fault! To think you actually ambushed a witch without the necessary equipment for such a task! Do you actually believe you can hunt like other hunters do? If so, you are truly a fool with baseless hope, Johannes F. Faust!", the Little Girl Immortal, Kris Franks, was outraged and furiously scolded her one-and-only kin; because of such a incident, it was a miracle he managed to return intact or even alive. He was not completely unscathed as there were punctured holes, lacerated wounds, and signs of poisoning throughout his body in the aftermath of the hunt. The "Your idiocy is boundless to a fault, yes?" seems really awkward, especially since it is heavily implied that the speaker is yelling - screaming, even. A "<statement>, yes?" type structure is generally used when the speaker is talking in a more calm manner. An alternative to the "<statement>, yes?" would be "<statement>, isn't it?" or "<statement>, huh?" However, the latter two are more informal. The "it" part of "do it" is unnecessary and makes the sentence slightly more cluttered and sound somewhat awkward. The phrase "a fool with hope" sounds awkward to me because the "hope" part isn't necessarily bad. I added "baseless" to make it sounds more like the "hope" is bad because he has no reason to be hopeful. You don't need a comma after the end of the quotation. If the last sentence in the quotation was supposed to be a period, it gets replaced by a comma. Otherwise, no changes and no additional commas are needed. "Kris Franks" is an appositive and should have commas on both sides. Use a semi colon instead of a comma here. Otherwise, you have a comma splice. Switched the word order because it sounds more natural to me this way. The way you had it before is fine, too I guess. Incomplete sentence. Although incomplete sentences can be used as part of a style, it sounds very awkward here, likely because the sentence is so long. “… It is my err, Kris. It will not happen—” Before Johannes, the newly instated Witch Hunter in Common-Tongue City, was able to give his honest remarks about his grievous mistake, he was silenced by another flood of complaints from his one-and-only master, his second creator and his most cherished teacher. Start with a capitalized letter at the beginning of the quotation even if it starts with an ellipses. These two sentences should be connected. Otherwise, you just have a dependent clause followed by an independent clause attempting to be sentences, but failing miserably. Use another "his" for the third phrase for parallelism; it makes the sentence sound better. “BY COMMON SENSE, EVEN I WHO LACKS MODESTY OF IT, DEFINITELY KNOW THAT IT SHOULD NOT HAPPEN OR EVEN BE ATTEMPTED AGAIN WITHOUT PROPER CONSULTATION PRIOR TO THE HUNT! WHAT HAPPENED WAS NOT A MERE STAIN ON MY PRESTIGIOUS NAME, BUT ALSO-!” raising her voice frantically to its highest decibel possible, she continued, “...know that I would lost should you disappear from my sight ever again, Hans~,” sniffling into a little cry. The "even I who lacks modesty of it" sounds really awkward. Is the speaker really prideful about how they have common sense? It seems like a strange thing to proud of. It should be "know," not "knows" because the subject is "I." -> "I know," not "I knows." The phrase "consulting me" sounds rather awkward when the sentence begins with "I know" It seemed rather awkward to be "ALSO!" at the end of the quotation. I put "ALSO-!" so that the dash would make it seem more like a break in sentence. Alternatively, use a comma instead of the exclamation point. When the speaker tag interrupts the sentence in a quotation, generally a comma is used at the end of the first quotation and after the speaker tag. Example: {"Whoever enters that temple," she said, "will never come out again."} Comma inside the quotation marks, not outside. The comma may not strictly be necessary though. Astounded, Johannes panicked a little and tried to calm his sweet master’s fears, but such an act had been repeated more than once throughout their meetings. Thus resulted,“Psyche!”, in him crashing towards the machine-layered walls in the underground laboratory, from the forceful push of energy released by her. A mischievous face showed on her face, knowing her ploys had succeeded again, the aristocratic little lady, clothed in empress black with a custom-sized lab coat covering her, jumped down from the pile of books where she had previously been sitting, looking arrogantly down at Johannes. What the heck is the "Psyche!" supposed to be? Don't need this comma. Too confusing to put "of aristocratic origins" there. Is the "lady" "of aristocratic origins?" Is the clothing "of aristocratic origins?" Is the color "empress black" "of aristocratic origins?" All those interpretations could be valid, so you'd better just move the phrase. Put a comma here and use the phrase as an appositive to help separate out the sentence to make it easier for the reader to actually read it. Having "previously" there sounds more natural to me. The phrase "sitting arrogantly" seems awkward to me when combined "from above Johannes." I suppose "sitting arrogantly in her position above Johannes" would also be an option. The one I put up is preferable to me personally though. In truth, it was just a large difference of height, and for someone of her age, it was an inferiority complex involving not only her height, but also her tastes in learning craft different from her peers, the fellow aristocrat ladies of multiple households from Royal-Air City. “Ugh,” a muffle sound came from the wasted Johannes, who knew he got bloodied again for the nth time. Looking down on the easily tricked creation of hers, “Enough, my mood is going to worsen if you continue to act like it hurts a lot,” she threatened him. Remembering such a dreadful experience had traumatized Johannes to his subservient attitude towards her from thereon. Comma before quotation, not after. Period is thus unnecessary. Missing a verb in this sentence. What is "bodied" supposed to mean? I'm assuming you meant "bloodied?" What she threatened him with is implied. Moreover, the part about her mood worsening is already mentioned by the quotation, so it's redundant and unnecessary. Stay in past tense. Sounds more natural with the "his" there. “Yes, Kris - I mean, the Eleventh Frankenstein of the Machine Council, my Lady Franks, and our beloved Mistress of the Dead, the true heiress, my master and second creator, Kristina Frankenstein III.” Use a dash rather than a period here because it seems that he's interrupting himself rather than ending on a normal stop. I don't think a semi colon is preferable over a comma here? Johannes instantly stood up and straightened himself, almost like a machine that only followed commands with strict precision. Seeing this, Kristina smiled lovingly because such a quick response was only possible through her hands and knowledge. It could be said that Johannes was her prized possession and precious masterpiece as the Eleventh Frankenstein - a living corpse made of countless modifications via scientific witchery. Comma for better separation of the sentence IMO. No comma is needed when combining an independent clause with a dependent clause in that order. Without the article here, it sounds very awkward. Sounds more natural with "that" there. The last sentence seemed like it fit more as an appositive of the sentence before it rather than as a sentence of its own. She could still remember the grim morning they first met, in the burnt forest with nothing but scorched earth and toxic air poisoning everything alive. A survivor with his whole body severely burned to a crisp with a certain fate of death. There was nothing that would allow him to recover from such a wretched state - at least, not without her help, and thus in accordance to the Pact, a contract between her and him, they became Master and Servant, Witch and Familiar, Frank and Faust. No comma is necessary. You're not combining multiple nouns, nor are you combining any sentences. The phrase "certainly leading to death condition" is probably the most awkward phrase in this entire blurb. It's mainly the "death condition" part that makes it so awkward because it's something I have never heard spoken to me in English. We usually just say "death," not "death condition." The phrase "to recover him" is awkward and incorrect usage of the word with the meaning I'm assuming you intended to use. Assume A is a person. When A recovers X, it means that A retrieved X (likely after X has been lost). When A recovers, A has been healed. The meaning in the second one is what you want, but you used it in the syntax of the first one. EDIT: I think your main problem is grammar? Also, I personally think that all caps is fine. IIRC, Harry Potter had a section in Book 2 where Ron got a howler, for which the dialogue was in all caps. If you use it too often to represent screaming, it could be cringy. It's a choice of personal style IMO.
There isn't much in way of the story I'd remark on, mainly grammar issues. The biggest popping up everywhere is how to transition from a comment. If comments normally end in a period, then a comma is used in its place instead. Ex: “Ugh.”, -> "Ugh," Exclamation points and question mark endings don't need a comma. One other thing I see are a lot of hyphen endings in comments. Try not to use those ideally at all, they don't look good transition wise. In terms of emphasis, caps, bold, or italics are normally used, but not in entire sentences and especially a whole paragraph. One or two words now and again that you feel would do better with emphasis. Things like "nth time", people do say it in conversation, but it's not something I'd say you want to put in writing. There are words to use spelled out like umpteenth or rewriting the sentence.
This would be my attempt to do it. "You fool! Is there no ends to your idiocy? You ambushed a witch without the necessary equipments! Do you truly consider yourself equal to other hunters? You are a hopeless fool if you do, Johannes F. Faust!" Kris Franks the Little Girl Immortal furiously scolded her one-and-only kin, outraged. In such circumstance, it was a miracle that he managed to return still fully intact, or alive even. There were punctured holes, lacerated wounds, and signs of poisoning all over his body after the hunt. A few things that I'd suggest here: 1. Words with fewer syllables usually sounds more coarse, curt, and direct. (e.g. f*ck > make love > have sexual intercourse with) 2. Try to keep your phrases concise. Unless it's for an effect or a specific style that you're after, if it doesn't add to the story, then it doesn't belong. 3. Keep your sentences simple. There's no need to stuff everything in one single sentence. If you feel that it starts to go on spanning more than a few commas, find some place to cut it off and make a new beginning. That'll make it much easier to read. Of course, most of the it has to do with personal preference, so... feel free to ignore them if you think it just ain't your style. The personality of your text is important too! XD
+1 on these suggestions. The suggested changes in dialogue overall have a better feel IMO. Still has some grammar mistakes. Spoiler: Edited "You fool! Is there no end to your idiocy? You ambushed a witch without the necessary equipment! Do you truly consider yourself equal to other hunters? You are a hopeless fool if you do, Johannes F. Faust!" Kris Franks, the Little Girl Immortal, furiously scolded her one-and-only kin, outraged. In such circumstance, it was a miracle that he managed to return still fully intact, or alive even. There were punctured holes, lacerated wounds, and signs of poisoning all over his body after the hunt. At the moment, I can only think of one situation where you'd opt for "ends" over "end" when using the noun form. That situation would be "ends of the earth" or "ends of the world," which more or less have the same meaning. I'm not sure if we ever use "equipment" in the plural form. Regardless, the plural form isn't necessary here because just "equipment" can refer to all the devices that would be useful for the listener's endeavor. The phrase "the Little Girl Immortal" is an appositive and should be surrounded by commas or dashes/hyphens. The original way it was written (with "Kris Franks" as the appositive) seemed fine and perfectly acceptable to me as well. The word "outraged" is unnecessary here because her anger has already been implied by the word "furiously."
Some grammar mistakes, I'd suggest getting a beta reader or editor for better flow. And the combo of capital letters, plus the crossed out words, is not very pleasant to read, so maybe just italicize or something?