Discussion [Poll] Disciplining Children

Hmm bad tempered parents ? Anyway they sometimes necessary but there's a rule in it.
1. It's done for the sake of parenting/teaching. The goal is to make them succeed in something not to fail them.
2. Make sure every punishment you made them go through with a clear reason. Explaining it to them fairly while speaking with them as if they're your equal. Kids have ego and pride too and puberty is a dangerous surge of emotions that can ends up catastrophic. It's best they don't have any bottled up feeling when they hit that.
3. Shouldn't be done in closed environment but rather in a more relatives inclusive environment. If one is disciplining kids they should do that openly.

 

I've grown up emotionally cold and detached. I don't feel close to my parents or others. I have trust issues. I hate being touched by others, even hugs from friends. I don't want to get married or have kids. Is the reason for that all the ass whooping I got for trivial shit like breaking a plate by accident? Who knows. However, my opinion is that if you truly want a child, not just for the sake of not growing old alone, but to actually love another human being that you produced, you'll have enough love and patience in yourself to avoid getting physical. In her rare patient moments, my mother was capable of explaining things to me and preventing me from repeating mistakes. It's not impossible. My parents weren't beaten as children - both grew up to be confident, ambitious and successful people. When I asked them why then did they think it was alright to beat me and my sibling, they said they were under too much stress and blamed their nerves. Ok. Is your child something to vent on then? I'd think closely about the mental state of parents who beat their kids. Just a way to discipline them? Sounds more like lack of time, lack of patience and a whole lot of stress to me. If they can't cope, they should have kids and unload all their stress onto them.

 

This.
Always resort to heavier violence instead trying different approach. So we ended to be quiet eventually.
This is also reason why i wont be same parent as my parent does, its on my oath with my sister since childhood.
I could consider their education is succesful for us, but i think its not really necessary needed.

 

IMO some physical punishment is sometimes necessary, its what I went through as a kid. Also not all physical punishment must be in the form of violence, my parents would make me kneel on the hard floor facing the wall when i did something bad as a kid. When you’re young this kinda thing can actually be pretty painful when done for long enough cause my knees would start to ache.

Also considering what I hear every now and then about highschoolers to full grown adults needing “safe spaces” and getting “triggered” by the sounds of clapping...some discipline is needed these days.

 

I believe moderate discipline is okay if done occasionally (such as spanking/paddling, pinching their ears and the like), as some children don't take simple verbal scolding as well as others. However, when they get spankings every day, it's a sure sign there's a problem somewhere that isn't getting fixed (such as the parent intentionally finding fault as an excuse to punish or the child possibly having genuine mental issues). Even that, I can understand, as some children I've met are VERY difficult. BUT, when it comes to punching, kicking, and the like, that's clearly just one person abusing another, not a parent disciplining their child.

The reason I didn't choose the 'parents have the right to do it' option is because, with that mentality, it's far too easy to go too far. There's a ton of parents out there who, possibly without realizing it, see their children as an extension of themselves, which is to say, they are 'things that belong to them'. Such an attitude is how some parents can feel like they have the right to choose their children's future college courses, job, and even their spouse, and ignore their children completely unless they need them for something at a given moment. In a worse case, they're the type who'll make their child clean and cook in their stead without so much as a thank you (I'm picturing a cockroach infested hub with lazy, barely working parents here. Chores are a good thing to have as a child, in my opinion, but not just so the parent doesn't have to do it), leave the child home alone for long periods before the age of 8, and have multiple occasions where they don't take the responsibility a parent should have. While not guaranteed to be an abusive scumbag, these types are the parents that tend to hit their kids the most.

That's a long way of saying that, while its not only the parent's right, but their duty to discipline their child, I also feel that, should there be clear warning signs (the child not showing up for school often, tell-tale bruises, lack of lunch money) it should also be the school's and government's right and duty to make sure that right isn't being abused and, if that's not the case, find a way to help the parent with the problem (reduced lunches, free lunches in the form of cheese sandwiches ((they're still pretty good, and my lunch ladies went the extra mile to heat them up so the cheese was melted)), canned food drives, and food stamps are examples. Unfortunately, SOME people who don't need them abuse them, and it's seen as a shame to have such freebies in this society, but they really do help, a hell of a lot. I don't know what my mom would've done without them). After all, it's also the parent's duty to ensure the health of their child.

I've talked a lot, and definitely strayed from the point a bit. Anyway, there's my two cents worth.

 

If you break things intentionally, you're going to get a hitting or two. I am not for physical abuse but sometimes to discipline it becomes a necessity. It's a part of my culture and so far it doesn't mentally or physically leave a scar, I think it's okay.

 

Any kind of excessive discipline, be it physical or verbal, is bad. Discipline should be used to show the child what is wrong.

Excessive discipline is usually for the pleasure, self satisfaction or venting of the person conducting the discipline. It's often quite obvious when this happens. It will often result in the child taking away the wrong lesson as well as mental and/or physical scars.

 

i think a lot of the context is lost on why parents should be using physical forms of discipline. you're trying to instill that actions have consequences, not injure the child, and kids typically don't have well developed morals so just talking to 'em usually leaves the kid bored and planning how to not get caught, rather than realizing they've done something wrong. i've seen a couple instances of parents thinking they're smart by destroying something the child likes or utterly ruining their social media, and imo, that's far more abusive than just grounding, spanking, or taking the "toy" away from them. parents seem to be trying to one-up the kid, for something more like this , rather than actually trying to teach the kid, and then because the parents don't know how to handle stress when intimidation doesn't work, they have a panic attack, lash out, and suddenly the kid gets shoved into a wall and needs to go to the hospital.

they're just supposed to regret their actions and learn that it's wrong. not have scars (mental or physical) that'll stay with 'em for years to come.

 

There was an old guy named Darwin which said that human is animal. And as any other animal with high cognitive functions pain are one of main sources when studying for children. The only thing that it should be occasionally or there would be other mechanism in play - source misleading(it may also happen if parent didn't do job properly and interact with kid only to discipline kid).

 

The only time I can see physical punishment being okay is during some kind of physical training, but never directly hitting or anything like that.

E.g. a basketball coach or martial arts instructor making a student do x amount of push ups or sprints.

Especially since this kind of punishment is beneficial and relevant to the training they were already doing.

Kinda similar to how a punishment in academics could be to more academic work.

 

Physical and mental abuse is common sadly.

 

https://www.hypeandstuff.com/10-things-asian-parents-used-as-weapons-singapore/

 

I agree with physical discipline. There are many people in this world so one method of disciplining to be used on all of them will give you different outcome. Different people needed different ways to be taught and disciplined. Some needed just light scolding, some you don't even need to discipline, while some children might need more than one spanking for them to learn their lesson. What matters at the end of this DISCIPLINIING is that children were able to understand what they had done wrong and why they needed to be scolded or spanked. If they don't know the why's and what's then efforts on disciplining them will just be a waste.

Child abused would be when they were continously spanked/hit resulting in blood. It could also be considered a child abuse if you were to hit the child with a fist and/or kicking the child. There are still a lot of cases considered as child abuse but listing them all would be too long so I'll leave it at that.

Also, my brothers were part of those kids that needed to be spanked many times until they learned their lesson. Talking will only result in another bloodbath after our parents back were turned against us. While I on the other hand needed to be threatened with 'no food' for me to learn my lesson. Being spanked hurts but I was never really afraid of pain so only food threat really works on me.

 

Let's go step by step in the punishing process.

1) Does the child know what they did is wrong?
If the answer is No, then (unless we are speaking of a rare and unusual situation, which is usually not talked about) the fault lies in the parent.


2)Does the child understand WHY the action they did is bad?
If they do not understand what the consequences are and they were just told NOT to do something, they might just have been curious about why the action was forbidden and they might not understand why X action (with Y negative effect) is punishable.

Maybe a stupid question, but
3)Has the child been told that "good actions" receive the metaphorical "carrot" and "bad actions" the "stick"?
It's not to be taken for granted.
Giving punishment without "explaining" the concept of right and wrong (that at a young child's age should be the "DOs" and "DON'Ts" a parent gave them) is training an animal, not raising a child.

4) Why did the child do it?
Attention Seeking? Envy? Hunger? Rage? To gift the stolen candy to Mommy?

Different motivations should be cause of different punishments.
Punish more harshly trains of thought you wish to dissuade and more leniently those that, while not encouragable, should be kept in mind.

5) What happened to the child afterwards?
If the child lived a negative experience because of his actions (fear, pain, etc), an eventual punishment should be smaller.
If the consequence was positive, the child should be taught in such way that the benefits of the undesired action will be smaller than the punishment.

I believe this should be all for starters.

How to punish?

1) The punishment should be clear and immediate : punishing for something days old might not be connected to the punishable action in the child's head.

2)The punishment should both be equal and flexible.
You can slightly raise the punishment each time, but you should never react to a "1 minute scolding offense" with a "Sleep without dinner" the second time they do it, no matter how your coworker Kevin stressed you at work.

At the same time, stealing a candy from Mommy when he got a good grade and doing it after kicking the neighbours cat down the stairs are extremely different situations.
Let him learn that good actions lower punishments (he might even get another candy after saying he was sorry and asking clearly for another one) and previous bad actions may raise them (a stern lecture and no candy for 2 weeks, even if you are a good boy, instead of 1 week with a good behaviour exception).

3)How grave are/would have been the consequences of his action?

Stealing a candy and stealing peanut butter are extremely different for a PB allergic kid.

Kid playing hide&seek without telling you inside the house and in a public, crowded place (while both heart attack inducing) present different levels of danger and, once calmed down, should have different results.


This is all to say... I have no frickin' clue.
I am not even a parent, not a psychologyst or a pediatrician, not even a teacher.
Just a guy with a computer.

I have written a lot and could write more, but I feel unwilling.
I feel like every word I go deeper might become the cause of someone's bad parenting and that I may fall ill to the Dunning Krueger syndrome.

I am just gonna end up with some advice.

1) Remember that almost every expert will tell you that beatings have a bad effect on the child's development.

2) Really small children have difficulties keeping 2 concepts in mind and might ignore the word "DON'T" in sentences like "Don't throw your pen on the floor".
Using sentences like "Keep your pen in hand" will have an higher compliance, as you also did not present how to disobey.

3) Keep an eye out for health and developmental problems.
Knowing that your child is dislexyc/will learn slower/is daltonic will help you prepare yourself to help him with the appropriate actions.

4) Be careful to your health, physical and mental.
It's not unusual to not love a child as soon as they are born: you don't know each other yet.
Keep interacting with him, however, as it will help them grow faster mentally.

5) Vaccinate your Crotch Goblins.
Keep them and others safe.
Don't believe the lies of those that tell you how much Big Pharma profits and then invite you to buy their weekly 400 dollars vitamin infused - quantic shaken - good vibes flavoured - milkshakes.
It's normal to be anxious and fear for the health of your hellspawn, but remember that you trust engineers to build your house, electricians and plumbers with your appliances and your mechanic with your vehicle.
Trust doctors if they speak about health.

Spoke too much, I guess.

Peace.

 

I think it's alright to give a little physical punishment, but not anything too harsh. Although I guess the severity of the punishment also depends on the situation.

When I was younger, my parents hit me a lot, it always started over meagre arguments which just escalated until physical violence was used. I don't know if this is typical in Asian families but whenever I just tried to cool down in my room to end a fight they would just barge through my door, and if I locked it and didn't go outside I would be punished even more severely. At times I would go to school with bruises littered up my arms and legs from when my mum pinched me really hard, and when friends would ask what happened and I would frequently talk about how clumsy I was. But sometimes it felt like she was trying to murder me, I would be suffocated by getting a footstool pressed over me or a table pressing me against a wall, I would also get chased around with a fork. I still have a faint scar on my forehead from when it was scratched from a nail.-- At this point, I think it would just be classified as abuse and it is never okay to do this to your kids especially from an argument that probably started with something as insignificant as eating doughnuts in the living room when you're not allowed to. (of course, I guess it just became this bad if I tried to run away or fight back, but what child is going to sit there and get beat up)

Harsh punishments like beatings would only teach them the wrong ideas and it is hypocritical. If they did that to discipline someone else when they did something wrong they would only get in trouble. For example, if a kid beat up another child to discipline them for doing something wrong they would not only be severely reprimanded but the parents would probably hit their kid for doing that. It would just leave them wondering why they were punished for their good intentions, why couldn't they hit another child to discipline them when their parents could?

Sometimes parents can be short-tempered and turn to violence straight away as a solution instead of talking it out. I think the first step in disciplining a child would be to explain to them why what they did was wrong/ reprimand them and only if they choose to disregard your words light punishment would be okay.

 

[Sarcasm]

Yeah, what pussies, right?
I mean, the worst are those Veterans.
Ahahah! Scared of some fireworks?
They need some slaps and to toughen up, amiright?
Let's throw some firecrackers in their house!
[/Sarcasm]

Now that you know how fucking stupid what you said was, let me explain it again.

You suggest that people who react negatively to a sound similar to beatings, should be beaten up.
Wow.
I can't even fathom how you could think such trash.

I was beaten up by my parents when I was a child.
Not too gravely, but pain is pain as a child and they almost never clearly explained why I was punished, letting their hands speak. They stopped, more or less, when I was 11.
Outside home I was bullied, mostly physical, it lasted 2 years more, but in the last 2/3 years was mostly psychological bullying.


Now lets look at the consequences.

I found myself, in at least 4 occasions I can think of in the last 4 years, punching a friend of mine in the arm because he went for a joking slap on my back.
Weekly occurence is, still, me stiffening even if I realize that it's a weak and joking pat, if I do not expect it.

More than 10 years have passed and yet my body can't forget those hits, even if I can.

It's a real douche move to attack and belittle someone's trauma.
Maybe if you kneel before the wall, it will help you think about it.

 

I’m not talking about Veterans or people with actual trauma, I’m talking about the people that have been so sheltered for their entire lives that simply being called a bad name would cause them to freak out. That any sort of obstacle, hardship or simply things they don’t like need to be completely destroyed cause they don’t know how to deal with it.

Geez calm down would you? Its a real douche to assume the worst of a person.

 

1) My thoughts, physical discipline needs a concrete reason to be used. Not all children respond to the reasons given by their peers or adults. It depends on the child's intellectual maturity. I find it necessary to use physical discipline along side other forms of positive conditioning.


By itself physical discipline does nothing to promote a child’s maturity. But along side mentorship it can help a child understand things they didn’t. Like in the form of gauging ones strength, teaching a child to be conscious of their actions. If inadvertently a child becomes drunk on their strength over others, humble them by teaching them there are always other people who will be stronger.


When a child uses force to have his way amongst his peers taking away things that do not belong to them, have them realize the weight of their actions by applying it towards them, in a constructive way. When physically disciplining a child, it needs to be reinforced with positive reasons to correct their behavior.


2) Yes, I was. But not for the right reasons, my father had a drug-related problem and took it out on me & my siblings. What reinforced the issue is my mother neglected us, didn’t stop our father and at times abused us when our father said to as well. Later on we (siblings) realized our mother was just as abused, but on a mental level, because our father said things which chipped at her. He never physically abused her, but his words did.


3) Abuse is violence without just cause (my opinion). Like why do I deserve to be struck, was it just because I didn’t close the fridge properly. Abuse is an overreach of authority without reasonable justification. My fridge thing is not reasonable. Being hurt physically for little things not entirely within ones control is abuse.

----------------------------------

*Sigh* I’d like to put some more input, but I’m a bit worked up recalling certain things, so I'll be taking a break

 

Well, I didn't find anything in the poll I 100% agreed with, so I voted in the "Parents have a right to physically discipline their kids, but I don't personally believe it" option, but that isn't quite what I believe in either.

I'm like... Totally against physical discipline, and I don't believe anyone has the right to do so... At the same time, I believe people have the right to take care of their child in the way they believe to be best... There are limits of course (like, at the point the child is being not only emotionally hurt by the beating, but also physically left with bruises, then it cleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarly went way beyond what is within what I consider tolerable.), so I'm very my government has laws that prohibit a parent from beating their child (even though it still happens a lot), even if I don't feel like I or the government have the right to intrude on how most people raise their children...

In any case, I'm a bit of an odd ball because I'm against any sort of punishment for the child... Not because of any higher moral reasons, but because I think it's useless. (I mean, my own morality is also involved of course, but the biggest reason is a practical one) Like... Using myself as an example, I was beaten (not to the point it left bruises, mind you) and grounded more times than I can count and that didn't help me mature or stop doing wrong stuff at all? Like... I knew what was right and was wrong, my parents taught me that with their words and with proper upbringing... And when I did something wrong I knew I had done something wrong, and I knew I was going to get punished for that... And it was a pretty horrible feeling tbh, like... I did something wrong at school, I got punished in school, and now I had a super gloomy day because I knew that I would need to tell my parents and then I'd get punished at home too.

And still, I kept doing wrong stuff again and again... Mainly because they were done out of impulse, they were emotional decisions, not rational ones... Just because I knew something was wrong, it didn't mean I had the time to process it and realize I should avoid getting into a fight in school when I was pissed at a bully and wanted to punch them. I just punched them, I thought about "Oh, I shouldn't have gotten into a fight, now I'm gonna get 6 months without access to the videogame and the computer..." only after the whole thing was solved.

I think children and teenagers are both pretty smart and pay plenty of attention to us, I don't believe punishment is the way to go. They can learn what is right and wrong just by talking and treating them as equals. And I'll do my best to raise my child like that once I do adopt one~

In any case, I already went on for long enough, onwards to the specific answers~

1) It's useless garbage and nobody should do it. It won't teach any morals to your child, nor will it teach them right and wrong. The only thing it will teach them is that they should fear you, because punishment will come their way if they disobey you. You want your child to love and respect you (in that order btw), not fear.

2) Yeah, I was hit by my parents back when I was a child. They kinda stopped it when I was a teenager and I was honestly bothered by it. Back when I was a child I was beaten with a sandal in my butt. It hurt for like, 1/2 an hour and then I was good. When I became a teenager I lost access to electronics for 1/2 a year, it was equally ineffective in stopping me from messing up, but it was a lot harder to deal with.
So... I do think physical punishment is bad, but since I never received physical punishment that actively wounded me, my experience with it is more along the lines of... "It sucks and it's useless, but there are worse things out there".

3) This one is really hard to define... I mean, I can tell you that a parent wounding a child is definitely child abuse. But... Hitting their butts with a sandal and make it ache for 1/2 an hour? I dunno if I would consider it abuse... Like, really, I honestly don't know, it could be or could not, I'm uncertain.
Would take the things the child like the most for extremely periods of time be considered abuse? Again, I'm unsure.
Psychological attacks though? That's abuse. Actively looking down on the child's achievements and never recognizing what they do as something good and always comparing them (in a bad way) with someone that does it better, that's totally abuse IMO. Way to go in making a child completely lose their self-esteem.
I think my parents were pretty bad parents overall, but they definitely weren't the worst parents... So... When I think of abuse, I mostly think of the things that hurt me the most... Which were not physical actions, but psychological ones... And still, I don't think I'd consider any of the things they did to me as abuse, it was probably a bit less bad than that.

Just my 2 cents on the discussion I guess, it's a complicated one~

 

Lol, this was epic.....