[Poll] Would you watch your language around a senstive acquaintance?

I don't normally swear. False. I mute my mic and swear to myself. ( Because flaming would lose me the game, 5 enemies is hard enough, let alone creating more. )

With close friends, however, I'm the biggest trash-talker in the town.

 

*hugs* You went through a lot... Ganbatte...

 

*accepts hug* thanks~
Life can be hard but I like to remember something I learned and distorted from my religious mother, she used to tell me "God forgives" I have made it my own by saying "God forgives, so I don't have to." I don't let the hate live in my heart but I'll never forget the people who have wronged me and I'll never forgive them because it's not my job.

 

*laughs* That's technically true~

I think I'm a pretty forgiving person overall, though I have a hard time getting over something when someone does tilt my gears... On the other hand, I often times forget why I was really annoyed at someone, so the hate just fades after a while... >.>

 

I can understand forgetting, as I get older and older I find getting angry and staying angry to be very chore-like. I grew up in a not so pleasant place and had a lot of anger issues growing up so some people from my past have stuck with me, but besides A-kun from the hypothetical, I haven't added anyone new to my list in a few years and in as much detail as those from my past.

One day maybe I will be able to forget all those who have wronged me~

And I think growing up with my issues has allowed me to come to see a more even and equal approach when dealing with people(at least I think so) it's shaped me to be the unicorn I am, to see both sides of an argument and decide for myself which side to take.

 

It's kind of fun seeing someone with a similar response to mine. I also ended up glossing over that muting suggestion the first time around and had to edit my original answer to have a pretty similar sentiment to yours, although in a lot less words

 

Yeah, if you read Lychee's one post around page one or two they suggest the person in question wasn't "triggered" like how most people think but they suggested the girl in question had some kinda traumatic incident that caused them to quit out. But it still stands that A-kun doesn't need to be policing us like this, if the girl has issues, voice them out beforehand, don't let it become an issue after the fact.

If A-kun is going to be like that I agree with you A-kun is definitely on the black list and yeah I got a little( a lot ) heated about this subject and kinda glossed over the muting thing initially and then got EVEN more heated once I read it.

I don't mind people asking for a modicum of decency and respect, but don't force me to change to suit you.

 

Totally agreed. A-kun could have been the kind, considerate friend when he first suggested her joining, I don't need him trying to play the gallant knight, when the whole mess started because of him.

No worries about that, it went pretty much the same for me. I'm just on a self-imposed course to try lessen my cussing, although on the internet I'm usually a lot more polite when not in familiar company.

Ditto. And honestly, the base scenario had me triggered a bit. It's not even close to this situation, but I once had a gaming acquintance with less than fortunate circumstances. Unfortunately, she liked using this to her advantage. When she and her friends were starting to get out of hand I tried to rein in the situation as one of the then acting vices, but I ended up getting a lot of backlash from semi-friends, I'd been playing with for months, that had gotten closer to her. The whole unfortunate fiasco (with a lot more events leading up to it previously) ended up with me leaving my guild and killing a lot of my passion towards online gaming. I'm aware it wasn't the responsible choice, especially towards my closest friends because of whom I had been persisting, but they knew why I have left. I had enough of the toxic environment our initially friendly guild turned into.

 

I'd say you are the right choice. Keeping toxic people in your life just isn't worth it no matter what. A good good buddy of mine, a friend of my family and basically a brother to my older brother, had to be "cut" from our lives, he got very bad with drinking and my family has a bad history with alcoholics. We tried everything we could to try and help him, try and moderate how much and even try to get him to quit. He would listen...for a while. Then he would go right back to drinking.

If he was just a "friend" of the drink it would be fine. the issue was his behavior when drunk. Constantly looking for fights, I actually had to fight him back one evening because he took something I said too personally and was attempting to kill me. He would often drink and drive, once backing straight into another friend's car and still, he drove to the store drunk. And generally other really dumb shit, he once got blind piss drunk with his stepfather(who he had issues with) he got into a fistfight with his stepdad, waited a few days, got drunk again, and went to his stepdads house when he wasn't there and took a baseball bat to his prized mustang.

My brother grew up with him, I treAted him like a brother, even my mother thought of him like another son, but after trying and failing over many years to get him help, we had to just cut him from our lives because his toxic behavior wasn't worth the harm it was bringing us.

Sometimes, cutting out toxic behavior and toxic friends is the only reasonable choice to make.

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that, I can't even imagine what that could have been like. And you are right, sometimes the only way forward is by making tough decisions, and by letting people go.

 

Yeah, after writing it out it sounds really bad but mostly it was just disheartening, to see such a good friend spiral out of control like that. My brother still occasionally calls him to make sure he is still with us and that he is doing ok(once a friend of the family always a friend of the family) but we just don't let his toxicity come into our lives like that anymore. that's all you can do really.

 

Sure...I'd be really pissed about it. It's stupid to be triggered by words specially when playing online. But, I'll watch my mouth so we can win the game.

 

Tell that to my league of legends teammates.

 

its league of legends, what did you expect? people can get ridiculously heated there xD my brother found people in DOTA II weren't much different lol

 

As I mentioned before, upbringing and environment matters. I was brought up in a rather conservative family and any cursing like what usually happens in online games gets you caned so you learn to filter your words. To my family, such language is only used when you really, really want to make an enemy out of someone, the Hatfield and Mccoy kind of enemy.

So the recipient matters too. What someone might innocently think of as "just letting off steam" might be taken by another person as a declaration of a death feud. I take it that the person that left the game was probably one of those that was brought up to believe insults are a declaration of utter hostility.

It's like one of those diplomatic cases where one side walks off in a pretend huff to get better terms, only to find the other side took them seriously and started a war. Communication mismatch and error.

 

I'm feeling better today so I'm back in this thread!

I think @WhitesRabbit48 captured my main feelings regards this.

I think... triggers... are much more complicated things in reality than they are frequently presented on paper.

Like out of everyone in the scenario, I definitely relate to Girl-chan the most because I've had those experiences when I burst into tears suddenly without warning, yet having no idea why. It's a really complicated response.

I mean, after the fact, you can think and reflect for hours to try to come up what is the reason you were so "triggered" ... however it's a rationalization. Perhaps seeing the gun (this is analogy) was the trigger that initiated the recall of the traumatic memory. Or perhaps it was the yellow shirt or the smell of burning cigarettes or that particular tone of voice.

It's really hard (at least in my opinion) to list out every single possible potential trigger.

In fact, it's not even necessarily the case that seeing a gun will be a trigger every time.

Like it's possible to handle a gun and examine it and play around it, yet not be triggered for your "vietnam" trauma. However, in a very specific and certain scenario, maybe the gun could be a trigger.

However, how in the world do you explain that to people? That sometimes a gun is a trigger? Isn't it easier to just say that seeing a gun can possibly cause to you flip out, so for all of our sakes let's not take out any guns just in case? The blanket statement and blanket conclusion is the safest option.

+ + +​

The other thing about trauma is that it's a deeply personal thing.

Very few people are comfortable sharing their trauma's with strangers, and I'm not exactly thrilled by the idea of A-kun running around telling people ("Hey pssttt, @lychee is a "sensitive" person so you know... treat her delicately"). The reason for this is that people look at "special snowflakes" weird and I have no real desire to run around everywhere with people thinking of me that way.

If I didn't personally tell people about my trauma or ask to be treated differently in any way, then I'm not asking to be treated differently.

I mean, yeah I have my baggage, and I avoid situations where I don't want to be.

Trauma is also something that people are constantly working on.

Like maybe something that happened fifteen years ago, and you're beginning to think that you're healing from the trauma and you won't be triggered from it anymore. Some war veterans with PTSD eventually heal from their trauma and are able to return to work force / become police officers in dangerous situations.

So the only way this scenario makes sense in this head is if Girl-chan thought she wouldn't be triggered when she started playing.

And it could make sense, if she doesn't vc normally while playing (I don't game, so is that a thing?) -- and really only started to use vc with her friends. In either case, I have never really played "competitive" games in this kind of fashion, so definitely the "toxic" culture is very alien to me, so it's more like I'm projecting my feelings.

*hugs* ;-; Are you okay unichef-san?

I actually feel kind of bad for A-kun, because I really do think his intentions were fine. It almost turned into the classic example of the equation: friendship + girl = destruction.

I was actually really surprised by how much people exploded over this thread.

I was also really surprised to the degree that people placed an importance on their gaming, since to me it's just a game.......

 

You know what they say about good intentions... A certain road is paved with them...

I can understand not wanting to be treated as a "special snowflake", I'm not playing any competitive games either, but I think in situations like these it's important to be aware of things like this since you have to depend on your teammates in tough situations, and as someone on the other side, I would be feeling seriously awful about accidentally triggering her trauma.

And since you are saying Girl-chan didn't do it intentionally and honestly felt like she would be okay, I would be more inclined to 'forgive' (for lack of better word) her, and I understand she is shy, if she tried to contact me directly to try to explain what happened instead of letting A-kun muck around as the middle-man, making a mess of things.

I get you imagined A-kun's character with pure intentions, but if you bring new people to an estabilished team you are responsible for them, and in the situation you gave us, A-kun's attitude just really doesn't fly.

It's a game until you make friends there, then it becomes important. And you'd be surprised how much of a chore it can become once you have people depending on you.

 

The mute button exists for a Reason~

 

Oh, I totally get that feeling! Being angry feels like such a hassle... And it actually gets in the way of getting things done productively too... I hate getting angry... >.>

Nice that those bad experiences helped shape you up in a good way though! \(^^)/

I don't think you were wrong, I have been in similar situations before, where I kept being around people because I cared for some of them, but the overall environment was so toxic and some of them drove me nuts and I was like... Blowing up.

So at one point I quit, just didn't care anymore and cut all contact. After like... 2 years like that the person that was mainly bothering me ended up talking to me and apologizing for everything and we made up, so I got closer to my old group again... Still, if they hadn't done that, I'd still be as far from them as I was before.

After a while, it's just not worth it to endure the stress anymore.

Oof... You really did went through a lot... This is really sad...

My brother had quite a few problems with alcohol in the past, but his wife absolutely hates it when he drinks, so... He kinda started controlling himself more to not hurt her (yes, the word is hurt, she felt really hurt whenever she saw him drinking! >.<), which was great for him overall... I have no clue where he'd be right now if it wasn't for her, she was a real blessing~

Ah, it's all about passion and involvement... To try making a parallel...

Imagine back when you were actively translating novels at your peak and administrating a translation site (you know which one I'm talking about) and stuff... And then suddenly someone hacked into it and deleted everything you and your friends worked hard for in those last few years (imagine you had no backups for the sake of this exercise), how would you feel? It's crazy and devastating to see all your hard work disappear like that.

People that love gaming often times get this kind of involved in every single match they play. Going through the same degree of frustration you get... It's honestly pretty crazy once (if) you grow out of it and look back on how much you cared and go like... "Wow, why did I care so much? I could have just started a new match instead of going nuts over that one small thingy"

First time I stopped playing LoL was actually because I couldn't endure the way the community had developed and it was frustrating me to no end to deal with people playing badly, trying to tell me what to do and being annoying in general... Some years later when I returned to the game I had far more fun than I ever had before though, simply because I wasn't caring anymore, I was there to have fun and wouldn't mind it if people were trying to annoy me, I'd just have my fun~ (well, I still quit after a while because I didn't have any more passion for the game by then... Which is a big part as to why I didn't care as much, I wasn't very involved, for me it was just a game.)

I can't really explain why or how a game can matter so much to people, but... Well, it just does, it doesn't feel like "just a game", even though it is. There is a lot of passion and involvement that gets to people that are gaming~

Of course it varies from person to person, but it's not that uncommon to have people that care crazy amounts to what goes on in their day-to-day matches.