Hello, I'm writing a story called "Certanty", you can also read this story at bitácora.chafalladas.com/certainty Synopsis: A bomb squad member runs towards a device that is being deactivated by a civilian while helping him by radio. A short dialog based story, 576 words. Spoiler: Certanty – "Bzzt." All right, this is the last trap, start unscrewing through the top right screw, continue diagonally through the bottom left, top and opposite. – Any reason for doing so? – The plate will be easier to hold. It took me half an hour to get to where the bomb is, the blockage has caused such a jam that the whole city is collapsed. The biker who is carrying me has let me go with his helmet while I run to the place, otherwise it would have been impossible to talk to the improvised bomb squad. The horns of the cars still hinder communication through the helmet, there seems to be a widespread belief that the beeps somehow dissolve traffic jams, surely a confusion after watching a documentary on kidney stones. There are still twenty minutes left for the device to explode, and they are already removed the outer layers, almost all more decorative than functional traps, have already been dismantled. – “Bzzt.” Is already loose, there is a screen and two buttons, one green and one red, on a plate embedded in the explosive. What do I do? – I'm almost there. Watch for changes, and get ready to run, as soon as I get there. – I say panting. Ten more floors and I'll be able to take off my helmet to breathe. – The screen is on! – Arrgh! What does it say? – 1 + 1 = 2, below "true" and to the side "false", just above the buttons. Triviabomber, how funny, comes to mind on the twelfth floor. I'm enervated and tired, luckily not in front of the device or I would hit it right now with my forehead. The other "bombs" gave clues to the location of this one by responding correctly, the only one with a load. – "Bzzt." Boss, Have you heard? What do we do? – There's no time limit to arswer. Adds inmediatly. - ". Bzzt" Press the button under "true". – There, now he gets another text. Has he pressed without hesitation? This guy is a brave or madman, what a luck. – Says; "1 and 1", below "certain" and "false" to the side. Two more floors and I arrive, I hope it doesn't complicate the questions any more. – Press "certain". – It says; "In prisons, criminals are locked up," "true," or "false." – "True". – It has deleted the answers and has begun writing below the previous line. – I'm, almost, there. Read. – "I'm not in jail", "true" or "false". – Tru-e. Pff! I open the attic door in one push. – I am not a criminal," "certain," or "false. I know this one, it's a lie... – STOP FOZEN! – And I jump on Daniel, to avoid that he presses the wrong option I press the green button with my last breath. My vision turns white and melts to black, my head inside the helmet resonates far away as I hit the ground. I open my eyes to see for the first time the anguished face of Daniel, the improvised bomb squad guy, emptying a bottle of water in my face. – Grap! What a shock, thougth you screw the pooch. – And I thought you were killing us. Is the door downstairs open? – It opened as soon as you pressed the button, they're all coming down the stairs. But I don't understand, the last sentence isn't true, I could be a criminal who hasn't been caught. How did you know it was a trap? – It wasn't, what's certain and what's true aren't the same.
A dialogue based story? You mean a play/theatre thingy? I would highly suggest some sort of setting at the beginning introducing the characters and the rough surroundings to make it less confusing to read.
That's nice shot-reverse-shot and all, but who are they? Why is the bomb there? What's the stakes? Conceptually you're missing the setup. Good luck tho, premise is interesting. You've got the hook and sinker, go grab that line!
More than being a script is that the weight of the story relies in the dialogs. Thank you very much for the feedback, this is the first story that I made public beyond my circle of acquaintances and friends. Since the story is just a mind game, a logical joke, I thought that it needed to be a bit confusing and fast paced to prevent the reader to fix his attention in the exact meaning of the questions, also I'm not very experienced and a bit lazy, so I went without a more detailed setting. Maybe I've gone too far in that since it affects the readability. Perhaps inserting brushstrokes of the setup could work without breaking the rhythm.