Question The Best Reviews on NU

As part of my pointless exercise in "Raising the Bar" on NU, I'm wondering what happened to all the "great", "legendary" reviews on NU of ages past?

You know the kind.

The funniest, most entertaining, most engaging of them all. The one that makes you buy/click/read a novel, or not, just because. Something along the lines of the winningest Amazon reviews.

Something ... like this.


Invisible Dragon, by @DuichidakNumber1Fan
"Invisible Dragon" is a triumph of humanity, a masterpiece, a stark look upon the human condition. The main character, the invisible dragon himself, is a symbol of human society while the other demons, gods, and colbob represent the harsh reality of the universe. Fizzity-yuk duike. He's a flamer. "Invisible Dragon" ranks among fine masterpieces such as "My Immortal" and "Cool Cat Saves the Kids". Duichidak is an author of high repute and I have fallen in love with his writing. The way he uses unconventional spelling, his experimental writing style, everything. I identify with the invisible dragon and his struggles against colbob. In fact, after I finished the series, I sat down in front of my computer and cried so much that I had to buy a new computer because the old one became waterlogged. In fact, every time I hear the words invisible and dragon, I just burst into tears. Very many tears. : ( TL;DR - I crie evry teim ://///

OR this.

Gourmet of Another World, by @nwms8
... The black dog being a powerhouse is stupid beyond belief since it is so overused in the story. At first it is comedic, then it becomes face-smacking, then it becomes pointless. Black dog keeps on patting people down, but like the TSA, all it does is make people more angry the more patting happens.


Instead, we now mostly get angry mud-slinging (but admittedly funny) reviews like this.

The Second Coming of Gluttony, by @Exhail
Awfully written trash for netorare fetishists.
MC is not only a spineless wimp but he is dumb af too.
... The only suspense in the story is the question of which heroine will be raped first, because we all know that nothing can probably happen to MC himself with his plot-armor being thicker than the face of a guy who artificially boosted the rating of this disastrous novel with so many 5* in such a short time.

OR fan raves like this.

Lord of the Mysteries, by @Aoto
WHAT THE FCKING HELL,
I'm utterly shocked at how a good novel like this has such a low rating, even more so, because this novel is from the same author who wrote novels like Throne of Magical Aracania and Martial Arts Master. This novel is about abut a guy who reincarnates in a world that is similar to Britain in the 19. Century. The protagonist reincarnated into someone who died under extremely weird circumstances ...

OR lengthy essays like this.

The Human Emperor, by @kkgoh
Another one of those recently popular isekai + timetravel genres. I gave it 4 stars at first, then it kept going downhill.
(1) PLANET-SIZED PLOT HOLES
-- Homing pigeons AREN'T MOBILE PHONES!!! They only fly HOME. Different groups of people can't travel everywhere in the world at the same time and then keep sending messages to each other. It makes it worse when you know entire stratagems are reliant on communication.

Oh wait, I guess that's me.


Is the era of civil, funny reviews gone?
Always a fan of good copywriting -- a skill that everyone should have, whichever line of work you're in.

Post links to your best (subjective) reviews! And keep them interesting!

 

What is this black dog on GAW? Im getting hooked vy that dog petting. Should i read this?

Also whats with the SCOG? Im reading, but not a vip. But ntr? I read hentais, doujins whatnot but i immediately leaves it if its ntr. I read scog but im not a ntr fan, idk about the others tho.

Also INVISIBLE DRAGON is the goat. (Also invijible panda for thos looking for strong but cute mc)

 

Where's 'the glory of China" review? That was so good but got deleted for some reason

 

No one and nothing can beat 'for the glory of china' review. If only i remember for what novel it was.

 

I'm seriously interested now. Where is it??

 

Probably being humble atm. Like “china n1, but u can be our lil bro”.

 

While it was removed because the almighty winnie the pooh controls the universe (nah idk why), there's some threads with it in them, I got this one bookmarked: https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/900718/

And for the lazy I'll just copy the review into a spoiler...

Spoiler: glory of china review by UsernameJ

Edit: @Ratatoskr And according to a comment in the linked thread, the review was of "Emperor of the Cosmos" https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/902265/

 

There are reviews from qidian 2 cents army, wuxiaworld fanboys, anti qidian army, authors, translators, editors, trolls, anti 2 cents army, wuxiaworld trashers and anti anti qidian army....

us real nuffers are so frekin confused everytime we go into the review section. So I just skip all of them together

 

Niubi

 

Any of this guy's reviews are Hella vivid. Specifically his martial god asura one
https://www.novelupdates.com/user/127937/Slants Perpendicular/?rv=1

Here are two older threads from a couple years back too. Can't find anything mor recent.
https://forum.novelupdates.com/threads/what-is-your-favorite-novel-review.23393/
https://forum.novelupdates.com/threads/memorable-nu-reviews.54374/#post-3472079

 

The Ancient Strengthening Technique reviews are priceless, hahaha. Don't normally read CN xianxia, so the bashing that goes on is hilarious.
by @dysry
The MC is a gamer who was reborn with his past memories. Raised by his loving mother, he sets off on a quest to reunite his family for her sake (while creating a new one with every woman he meets). AST’s most distinctive aspect is that the MC is constantly horny, with a taste for mature women who resemble his mother (and also his mother) and the real purpose of his reincarnation is to explain his preference for MILFs. While most XX/WX novels feel like they’re split 50:50 between training and women, AST appears more like 10:90. It’s called Ancient Strengthening Technique but there’s really only one muscle he’s training. Other than the MC’s tale of two heads, there’s nothing particularly distinct about him. Coming from the gaming world, his cheat includes his memories and a set of skills he currently can’t use. He trains hard (kinda), he enters fights (occasionally) and does/will do all the things and women a normal MC does (mostly the women).

 

Tried something a little different for a review of "Almighty Martial Arts System" this time.
Realizing it's kinda hard to do humor for positive reviews ... I actually thought the novel was decent, although it definitely had parts which were cringeworthy.
Which begs the question ... are there any "great" reviews with 5 stars?

---------
My transformation is complete.

It is day 6 since I made the dubious choice to pick up yet another Chinese modern day, system-leveling novel.

I am only partway through, but I have grown to understand and appreciate my new world -- filled with arrogant young masters, arrogant old masters, face-smacking Wong Fei-hung (Chinese ass-kicking physician folk hero) protagonists, beautiful damsels-in-distress, the occasional underaged loli, the tired, the poor, and the downtrodden masses oppressed by the rich and powerful.

I was pleasantly surprised to discover no overt traces of racism. Tears fell from my dog eyes when I witnessed Wong Fei-hung save a Tibetan elderly, who was discriminated against he had smelly pus-filled infections. It was enlightening that not all female celebrities are dirty wh*res, and not all rich people are dirty b*astards. Unimaginable, perhaps, for a world closely related in style and substance to other recommended novels on this page.

I now question everything I once knew.

TLDR: If you ignore the occasional faux-pas by the author, the writing is pretty decent.
Would've given it 5 stars based on the Chinese raws, but since the translations are pretty atrocious, I gotta deduct one...
(4 stars)

 

This review isn’t on NovelUpdates, but it’s hands-down the funniest book review I’ve read.

It’s about a trashy vampire-supernatural romance if you’re wondering:

Spoiler: Goodreads Review

Okay, so some of the girls asked that I do a review of the Anita Blake series because I mentioned some things that intrigued them.

It's not a finished series and usually I would reserve judgment on a series until it comes to its conclusion just in case the author was going somewhere I wasn't expecting.

Kind of like that scene out of Austin Powers where Austin's in the bathroom stall with a bad guy and a big Texan man is in the next stall and can only see Austin's feet. He hears Austin Powers grunting as he fights the guy, saying, "Who does Number 2 work for?"

The Texan guy, thinking that Austin is taking a crap, decides to pitch in and give encouragement to someone who is obviously struggling.

"That's right! Show that turd who's boss!"

Well, that's what reading Anita Blake is like. You're sitting in the next stall with someone who, nine or so books ago you thought was really nice and normal. Suddenly they start to struggle and you want to be encouraging, or you want to tell them to give up, take a laxative and come back later. The thing is, at first you're wary to because maybe something else is going on. Maybe a brilliant struggle for life and death is happening but you just can't see it. Maybe at the end of the series, you're going to come out, see what's left over in the stall and proudly proclaim:

Jesus Christ, what did you eat?

The first 10 books are filled with mystery and intrigue. They've got great characters and really interesting storylines. They've got action. DAMN have they got action! Obsidian Butterfly, in my opinion, the last good book is such a thriller in so many ways.

They're a little bit sexy and you find yourself wishing a little more sexy would come your way because it's kind of really hawt.

But then something happens after book 10. It happens so quickly that you're kind of in a headspin, looking around going, "Am I still reading the right series? Have they printed a different book under the same name?"

Because suddenly, they're no longer mysteries. There's no longer any real edge-of-your-seat suspense. Suddenly, you think you're going to go a little crazy if you read another freakin' sex scene. Suddenly the writing is so poor, so transparent! The characters are so unlikable and so unrelatable that they might as well be from another galaxy.

You're just walking along one day, admiring the view, when suddenly - OH CRAP! ANITA JUST HAD SEX WITH A WERELEOPARD IN ANIMAL FORM!!!!

You're minding you're own business, enjoying a cup of coffee when - FUCK! SHE JUST HAD A THREE WAY WITH TWO MEN! ANALSEXANALSEXANALSEX!!!

You were about to get ready for work when, out of nowhere - CROTCHBUCKETS! SHE'S JUST HAD A MASSIVE GROUP ORGY AND BEEN 'SPITTED' BY TWO MEN! FAAARK!!!

Then you wonder if you can still walk into a church after reading these books. They become so appallingly bad that you wear them like a badge of pride. "Oh, you think THAT book is shocking? Has she ever had sex with an animal while a whole room full of people look on?" "Oh! You think THAT'S shocking? Did that character ever have seven consecutive boyfriends and nine casual fucks at the same time?" "Really? That character is THAT powerful? Did they ever defeat an evil villain with the power of their crotch alone?"

Speaking of which, this is one of the major, MAJOR flaws of Anita Blake. Her Cooter. The Crotch of Doom as some of the girls call it. Almost every man she comes across, she has to sleep with. And then he loves her. He's addicted to her. He can't get enough of her. It's ridiculous. That girl had better have a TV screen in her forehead, beer leaking from her nipples and a bellybutton that dispenses sandwiches. Otherwise I just ain' buyin' it!

She amasses power like it's spare change. She goes from being a powerful animator of zombies, to a necromancer who can control ALL dead things (including vampires), as well as being a lupa (Queen of the Werewolves, Namira-Ra (Queen of the wereleopards) having six strains of were in her but none of the downsides like actually changing. She becomes a succubus. She is a human servant part of a powerful Triumvate. Then she makes her OWN triumvate with her own Vampire to call and an animal to call. It's just RIDICULOUS! You're wondering where it stops!

This stops her from having any character growth. I thought Anita Blake's flaws were going to be dealt with at some point. I thought her pride, arrogance, lack of impulse control, insecurities etc were going to be addressed through circumstances and a learning curve. No. She just becomes so powerful that it doesn't matter anymore.

And the books are just basically sex. That's all that happens. Everyone has sex. All the time. And then they all argue. A lot. Anita wears a skirt, so three out of seven of her boyfriends take issue with that and then argue with Anita and amongst themselves. Anita chips a nail, so at least five of her boyfriends go mental and start blaming each other.

I really don't know why this mess continues. It's beyond ridiculous. I think LKH just wants to see how much she can shock us now. What more can she do to play with our heads? So Anita has brain sex with another woman. So Anita has sex with a sixteen year old. It doesn't matter anymore. In the end, Anita never takes responsibility for ANY of it. She never really sits down and says: "Regardless of everything - I want to be with THIS person and THAT person. I want to do THESE crazy sex acts because that would get me hawt. Then I want to try it with five men at once."

No. It's always the situation. She's always "made" to do it. This makes me lose so much respect for both the character and LKH. You want fantasy smut in your story? Fine. Put it in there. But don't make it so that the character never CHOOSES the fantasy smut. Don't make it so that each and every time, the character is forced by circumstances to do these crazy, smutty things. WTH?

And lastly, don't push feminist bullshit down our throats when every other woman in this series is either a bitch, psycho, cow or pathetically weak! If Anita was a real woman than she'd stand up to a little damn competition. Instead she fights with every other woman around like it's some kind of damn pissing competition.

I kept thinking that maybe LKH was behind that stall, doing something that didn't seem apparent to me. From what I could see so far, she was struggling to get something out. I kept wanting to yell at her for it, but then I thought, maybe there's something epic happening. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just because I can't see enough from my stall in the bathroom of life.

No, my friends. In this instance, she's not wrestling a man into a toilet bowl for information. She's not leading us through some epic, well thought out drama that's going to unfold brilliantly if we just hang on and keep reading.

She's just shitting with us. Well and truly, and enjoying the money we pay her for the pleasure of reading this crap

 

Haha, how's that a vampire novel? It's a succubus novel

 

And here I thought it would be a boring recommendations thread, I am glad I looked.

 

Haha, the subjective "best" reviews don't have to be accurate!!

 

Many readers are actually affected by that review including myself. But I never thought I'd like it so much after reading it. Now, I'm just thinking of that as a troll review and the reason it has many likes is because people thought they dodged a bullet by not reading this novel. They got baited.

 

Huh? It's clearly a roast review. Just like the ones you see on Comedy Central.
It'd be silly for anyone to rely entirely on roasts to get an accurate picture of a person/subject/content.
Highly doubt the review got likes "because people thought they dodged a bullet by not reading".

 

Well, you may see it as a roast/joke/sarcasm but some people, maybe not many, can actually take it seriously. There's this thing called Poe's Law. It's hard to notice a written text on the internet is serious or "just a joke roast/sarcasm" unless the author put a clear indicator (eg. /s, emojis) or it's already a running joke/meme. And how would I know if what that review said is true or not if I haven't read it yet? I avoided that novel for a long time because of that review not knowing almost everything of what that review said is false.