My father's brother, his eldest son, and our grandma moved in to our house for the time being. Now in the first place, none of us siblings, even our uncle's children, his own sons and daughter, liked him tbh. He was irresponsible, and always say he cared about his children but as we see it, his actions show that they were just atm cards at his disposal. He even has had two girlfriends that all of us knew of. He once gave away his youngest son's laptop to one of them. Since "your mom would buy you one again, she's rich". Right. Edit: also, wtf, how far would you go as a parent to attain your child's obedience? They respect you? No. You scare them. Humiliation is not discipline! My siblings and I, who grew up with our cousins and knew them since they were still a baby, (we grew up on the same house) were naturally protective of them so it was normal for us to get into fights... Rude of us since we are the younger and he is an adult but we don't care, they deserve better. Now the problem is, right now, that uncle is nitpicking about our household chores we were doing. Feeding our dogs, specifically. Our dogs were as picky as one could get and they flip their bowls if they don't like the food but since we love them, we still feed them and try to accomodate them. Now, my sis told that uncle, "don't feed them the bones" and the uncle starts fussing saying we don't know what we were doing. That they were getting thinner. When he didn't even own a dog! Now that was still fine but when the argument was getting longer bec he doesn't stop talking, he pulled out our father's name who is WORKING his ass off right now, and our dog that had just died literally this year, into the fight. We said our paps is the most loving to his dogs and to us, but he said a sentence that implied that maybe it was bec of him and us that that certain pet died. The audacity. When we had no money, that pet was sick, but we still sent him to the vet while he lazed his days. Not a penny for apparently his 'favorite' dog of ours. Like, how could you even say that??? He didn't know anything. No, he didn't care about anything BUT his pride. That fuck! He didn't even know that our paps cried for almost a week. We did everything we could but he (uncle) always insists he is right. All three of us siblings, who's not even 20, is right here talking with a LEGIT adult who doesn't just back off and instead try to pull more and more names in to JUST PROVE A POINT. Now, his wife's name is a taboo coz he knew he was using her for money now. So my sis pulled her name out, coz, why can't we pull names when he could, right? At least we don't involve the dead. I'm crying rn not because of the fight itself but bec I'm so mad he dares to say such remarks about my paps and my family... Especially my paps, who always accepted that uncle and never left any of his siblings, even if we, his children, found them dislikable. Because that's family, right?? Anyway, just needed to let it out. Also, it's not only that uncle that is toxic, almost every one of us now is bec of the adults influence in the family. It's really bad and now I scare myself when I find myself thinking sometimes, our grandpa should've just shot that uncle dead when he (grandpa) literally put a gun to his (uncle) face in the past.
Toxicity only begets toxicity, ultimately bringing out the worst in oneself and the worst in others in the vicinity. If he doesn't want to see a family shattered, detached, and in shambles, he needs to get his sh*t together. And that means he's going to have to shove that pride back down where it came from. I wonder if he's just not family-orientated in the slightest. What habits and experiences made him seem so detached and indifferent to his entire family? I wonder if he is so prideful, he chose to deny the aspects of his own reality and lives through his own warped lens. A man who has the choices to act, but ultimately choose to not act at all in order to maintain the status quo. A king of a kingdom who extols of prosperity and the golden age when he is in fact only a lowly steward of a tower, a decrepit one with enemies and whispering shadows lurking from all eight directions. Perhaps he subconsciously knows what he's doing is wrong, but chooses to ignore it anyways because he cannot swallow his pride. Placing blame upon others to seem blameless. He's using his wife as an ATM machine, but forbids anyone of speaking her name because he knows he is doing something he should not do, yet does not want to be reminded of such offenses against her. He probably took away that laptop instead of asking his wife to buy another one because he would feel shame if he did so. Likely, their envisioned happy-go-lucky marriage life isn't going as planned either. Maybe that's why he has two girlfriends: because he thinks the marriage is unsalvageable and needs substitutes to fill in the void left. To the rest of the world, he's dancing to the tune of a fool, and his so-called "girlfriends" are probably coaxing him into doing encores. It is not a far-fetched future, where there exists an impoverished man, a man who's wife left him to seek a better life, who's scarred children act unruly in resistance, who's nephews and nieces upon every encounter react in disdain, who's lovers left for there is no more to gain. One where the last strings are been cut as the closest friends and family choose to abandon a lost cause. If anyone does not want to see the family fall apart, he will have to change. And it is unfortunate, but someone else will need to step in first because he is unlikely to make the first move. He is prideful, after all.
I try usually to, but what he did for me, was unforgivable. No excuses. But I guess we will all pretend nothing happened, as we live in the same house rn. We did. But that's still his brother there. Our paps a softie. You're right about that. He does know what he's doing is wrong, I know coz he often says it himself. He admits it yet still doesn't change. Now I just tear up when I look at my paps, who tries to understand, and his children, who also tries to understand and love him. I believe he is the largest part of the reason that our cousins are so timid, never standing up bec apparently, even their skin in a "problem". Let's just say that I, after so many years, seeing he never tried to change... just feel I should just give up on him.
Well, at the very least, he seems somewhat aware of the problem. It's quite possible that he's just saying it because someone else told him and he just hasn't been thinking about it too deeply. But hopefully, it's that he has indeed reflected upon it, but thinks its too daunting of a task and that change for him is impossible. Or maybe even if he does change, the relationships he's burnt to the ground will never recover anyways. Quite obviously, he's going to have to change the mindset that's been with him ever since this entire burden began. That change will begin through action. It's kind of endearing to see his brother and children attempt to bond with him and mend relationships, but only doing that will not change much in the great span of things. So they'll have to intervene if they don't want things to stay the same. Additionally, he needs to really pause and take a moment to review his life, his relationships, his surroundings to reflect upon himself and see that this is an issue that should not be left untouched. Maybe get a therapist for him, and a good one, because a bad therapist will only make things worse than they already are. He's also going to have to, at one point, sit down with his wife to discuss their relationship, their future, what needs to stop, and what can be done. And that's going to probably involve cutting his other two lovers out of his life. That's going to be a lot of hard pills to swallow. On a side note, I'm not sure if the two girlfriends he has are even living the lives they want either. I understand your sentiments of wanting to give up. But if his children and your own father want to see change, your uncle will need all the support he can get to move on from this chapter. While you yourself may find your own efforts tedious and fruitless, others haven't given up on him, including the father you respect and admire. So I humbly suggest you hold off on giving up just yet, and instead redouble your efforts to change your uncle for the better, even if it's just for a little bit longer.
its not pretend nothing happen, what you need to do sit with him make long talk give clear stance~ hey uncle f*k you, your excuse is sheet, your behavior is sheet this cat have enuf with ya this cat not give a dam bout cha, if ya keep da same dam act then fakku~ are we clear amigo? next totally ignore him, he not exist, interaction only if you told to, and make your action clear enuf to your family that you not wanna associated with your uncle whatsoever~ well do that until you more clear head I guess? all thing considered everyone have their own bottom line so don't force yourself~
The most I could do is not to blow off at him when he talks... Bec quite literally, everything he spouts is shitty.
Nope... But he is quite sexist with his jokes. He's never touchy (which I'm grateful for coz I know many households that have perverted elders) but his words will make us feel uncomfy. Sometimes it's inappropriate but I know for a fact that it's bec he wbrought up in a certain environment and not bec
wait where are the incest questions coming from? Did I miss something? I don't think op said anything related to that...at all