I'll keep this short. This is something that I plan to write despite what the reception is, but I'm only going to post more chapters after I finish the first book. I will answer questions if there are any, but I won't proactively give out information. With that said, please provide constructive criticism. Since I'm only posting the prologue, I know that there isn't much to go off of so please comment on the quality/style of writing. Suggestions will always be appreciated. Lastly, this story currently has no name. Spoiler: Synopsis In the award winning MMORPG, World of Ascyllia, a four-man guild suddenly captured the spotlight due to a single incident — The First Apocalypse. Laine, the Guild Master of Zaphkiel’s Armaments, was a typical sophomore before his life took a major swing. Huh? Don't tell me... This can't be happening, right? After participating in the final Conclave of Guilds of 2016, a mysterious girl suddenly challenged and defeated Zaphkiel’s Armaments in less than a minute! With the girl’s sudden offer of witnessing ‘that which lies beyond end-game,’ Laine found himself digging his own grave...? Or should it be called grasping a fortuitous opportunity? Follow Laine as he journeys through the true World of Ascyllia! Genre: Fantasy, Transported, MMORPG Table of Contents Prologue
Spoiler: Prologue December 24th, 2016 of the Gregorian Calendar. “... All right! We’ll leave it here for today. Remember to finish reading chapter 22 before the exam on Monday. You’re dismissed!” “Haaa…” A sigh could be heard from the corner of the classroom. In the midst of the students scrambling outside, a calm and collected young man was slowly packing away his notes. The weekend huh… *** ‘Click’ “I’m home!” A declaration rang out in the empty apartment room. Of course there was no response considering that he was a lone exchange student. With the typical silence as the answer, the young man dropped off his bag and changed out of his uniform. Oh crap, it’s almost time! Rushing into his bedroom, he quickly booted up his PC and prepared for the long weekend. As the Christmas event was starting soon, the guild that wins this week’s Conclave of Guilds would receive a special guild buff that will last until the new year. It goes without saying that this buff wasn’t the typical buff that you could obtain from quests or buy with cash, it was a special buff that was given out once every year during the Christmas weekend. Considering that this buff only lasted a bit under a week, it goes to show how imbalanced this buff was. It was originally implemented by the developers as a test for a new stat, but it seemed as if the testers went on a coffee break during the testing phase… The 《Blessing of Ascenra》 was supposed to help the newer players in the guild by giving them a new stat: Luck (LUK). LUK essentially affected the drop rate of every monster you fought, gave you a chance to nullify a critical hit, and it also had a unique passive that was on a one hour cooldown — 《Second Life》. 《Second Life》 would automatically trigger when the player took a lethal amount of damage; they would enter a state of invulnerability for five seconds while regaining a total of 25% of their maximum HP. However, what was supposed to be restricted to only new players was actually available to all of the end-game veterans as well. Last year, as a result of the veterans restating to a LUK based build, the entire playerbase witnessed the very first major disturbance in World of Ascyllia. Legendary items that used to have a 1/1000 drop rate from a weekly dungeon were effectively farmed by a single guild. The result was that that guild single-handedly dominated every Conclave of Guilds for half a year. With the end-game members decked out in soul-bound Legendary gear, Zaphkiel’s Armaments became the most well-known guild in all of World of Ascyllia. This was known as The First Apocalypse by many of the veterans. And to the amazement of the players, the developers didn’t actually make any changes this year. It seemed that, despite the fact that this disaster was completely accidental, some economists of the company were actually studying the effects of this nightmare. As a result, this year, they even publicly announced that nothing was changed. *** 5 minutes until the start, huh. I wonder how the other guilds have prepared this year. They better not disappoint me. [Zaire] Oi, Laine, you’re finally here! [Laine] Sorry, Zaire, I got a bit distracted on the way back. [Zaire] Of course, of course, it is your birthday after all. We’ll get that 《Blessing of Ascenra》 again to celebrate! [Larrisa] Hey, stop underestimating them. Do you really think the other guilds didn’t prepare for this week’s Conclave of Guilds? I heard from Noma that Assassins of Lunacy and Echoes of Shadows have already prepared for a couple of months. [Zaire] Don’t worry about it, even if they prepared for a dozen years, it still wouldn’t matter. After all, we have Laine. [Larrisa] Hmm, I guess you’re right. Still, everyone knows about the buff this time, we can’t let our guards down. [Laine] Oi, don’t make it sound like I can win us the Conclave just because I got lucky last year. And where’s Noma, anyway? We can’t engage in AOE battles if she’s not here. [Zaire] Haha, don’t be so modest. You basically wiped out Echoes of Shadows by yourself last year, there’s no way that was luck. As for Noma… [Noma] So-sorry I’m late! My bus was stuck in traffic an- [Laine] Don’t worry about it. What matters is that you’re here. [Noma] … Yes. [Larrisa] Noma! Do you know how import- Haaa, here we go again. With less than two minutes left until the gate opens, the classic interactions between the Deputy Leaders of Zaphkiel’s Armaments were shown on the screen. I wonder if nothing really changed this time... With all of those ninja nerfs throughout the year, anything that comes out of those devs surely cannot be trusted. [Noma] Laaaiiinneee! I’m sorry for being late! Sorry, sorry, sorry, so- [Laine] Noma… Noma! Why are you apologizing so much? [Noma] Be-because I jeopardized our chances of winning! Larrisa said tha- [Laine] Larrisa, please stop scolding Noma every time. It’s not like she meant any harm. Plus, she’s here before the start of the matches so it’s all good. [Larrisa] But Laine, if she keeps this up, there’s no guarantee that she will always make it. We need to make sure tha- [Laine] Enough. As the guild master, I order you to stop being so harsh to Noma. [Larissa] Grrr… Fine! But the next Legendary you get will be mine! [Laine] Ha, ha, ha… Haaa… --Attention. Attention. All players, the Conclave of Guilds will commence in one minute. The Concla-- [Laine] Anyway, let’s get ready. This is one birthday present I don’t mind getting twice. [Zaire] Don’t worry, I’ve been practicing my reaction time with FPS games, there’s no way they’ll catch me off guard like last year. [Larrisa] Hmph, it’s not like you’ll be the only one getting the buff. Of course I’ll help out the guild in every way I can. [Noma] Le-leave the the backline to me. I’ll be sure to wipe them all out. We’ll show them that it’s not always about numbers. --ention. Attention. The Conclave of Guilds will commence in 5, 4, 3-- 2… 1… --BEGIN-- [Laine] Let’s do this! And so, the race for the second 《Blessing of Ascenra》 began… *** [Laine] Same strat as usual. Zaire and I will engage the frontline while Noma will provide cover fire. Larrisa, guard Noma while she’s channeling her AOEs. [Larrisa] Got it, you won’t mind if I wipe out a party or two near her, right? [Laine] … What’s with that tone, you sound like you’re about to go on a… Nevermind... [Zaire] Haha! Don’t worry Laine, Larrisa will do her job. C'mon, let's go have some fun with Assassins of Lunacy. I want to see just what kind of “preparations” they made. [Laine] … Fine. Be careful, Noma, don’t be afraid to ask for support. [Noma] Ye-yes! *** The Conclave of Guilds was what the developers of World of Ascyllia called the weekly guild tournament. Every week, there would be a massive tournament where guilds from all of the servers were allowed to participate. Each and every guild would be allowed to participate with all of their members and there would be prizes based on the rankings. Normally, there would only be around 20-30 guilds that participated each week. This was due to the fact that, besides a bit of fame and some bonus gold, there really wasn’t too much to gain from the Conclave of Guilds. However, this week was completely different. With the 《Blessing of Ascenra》 on the line, nearly all of the guilds from all ten servers signed up to participate. With the precedence of The First Apocalypse, the players who didn’t understand the significance of having the 《Blessing of Ascenra》 could be counted on one hand. The Conclave of Guilds followed a single elimination style. In other words, one loss meant that you’re out. The guilds on each server would be put into their own single elimination bracket, and the winners of each server will compete in another single elimination tournament to decide the final winner. However, as with all MMOs, certain servers were bound to be stronger than others. The majority of the ten servers were filled with casual players while the hardcore ones would usually server transfer to the popular ones. Very few elites would choose to stay on a less popular server. As a result, the developers forbade server transfers three months in advance as to prevent guilds from having an easier time to reach the finals. However, for guilds like Zaphkiel’s Armaments, such measures were unnecessary. Absolute strength rules above all else! Those who understood this wouldn’t use petty tricks to sneak their way into the finals. After all, in this single elimination tournament, what use would there be to luck your way through? There would be a second single elimination tournament with the true elites from all of the servers waiting for them. With this line of thought, Zaphkiel’s Armaments enjoyed their time as supreme overlords in their server for half a year and casually showed up to the final Conclave of Guilds of 2016. *** [Zaire] Haha! That’s another one down! Just one more and we’ll be done with this server’s single elimination. [Larrisa] Zaire, can you stop rushing in by yourself? Noma can barely cover for your ass when you dive into those groups. If Laine didn’t bail you out, we would only have three people standing here right now! [Noma] La-Larrisa, I think Zaire was doing just fi- [Larrisa] Hush, you yourself know that he nearly died back there! [Laine] Everyone, calm down. We won so we should be celebrating, right? Haha… We still have the finals of this server’s tournament to win. [Larrisa] If it weren’t for you… Ahh whatever. Keep on saving Zaire for all I care, it’s not like I’m the one being dragged down with him. Haaa, she really isn’t honest with herself. [Noma] A-anyway, if my predictions are correct, our final opponent in this tournament should be Echoes of Shadows. They had two dedicated parties to grind for Legendary gear for the past three months, and they even used thousands of dungeon resets. W-we should assume that we hold no advantage in gear at this point. [Zaire] Who cares about gear! What matters is pure skill! Haha, come, I’ll show you what a 27.4 KDA looks like! [Laine] Za-Zaire, you’re using a battleaxe, not an AK-47… Ahh, whatever. I, too, look forward to what they brought this time around. --The next battle will commence in 5 minutes-- *** Ho-how can this be! The battle timer showed ❰9:24❱ — the remaining time of this match. In the 36 seconds that passed, three ‘thuds’ were heard, and three bodies fell to the ground. A shadow quickly retreated from before him. Then, complete silence. There stood a young girl, around the age of 14, casually staring at him. Although this was just a game and everything he saw was just pixels on a monitor, this young girl exuded an otherworldly beauty. With teal colored hair, her body was similarly adorned with a teal colored dress. Her slender arms delicately held onto a pair of swords that would send shivers down one’s spine. This was simply a goddess that descended from heaven! At first, Laine doubted what he was seeing. Besides the fact that his three friends, completely decked out in Legendary gear that was specialized for themselves, were killed in seconds right before him, the fact that there was an avatar like this was essentially impossible to begin with. Ho-how can this be!! That avatar is impossible to be made from the character customization. That surreal face, those perfectly shaped legs, that carefully curved body… Everything about her is impossible to begin with! And that equipment… I’ve never seen items like those before! As the Guild Master of Zaphkiel’s Armaments, he was one of the top players in the entire game. It could be said that he knew everything there was to the game. From optimal questing routes to end-game combat, he knew essentially everything. Yet… I know those items weren’t in the game before. It can’t be, there hasn’t been anyone capable of hacking World of Ascyllia yet. But… there’s no way to explain this situation... [ ] Confused, aren’t you? [Laine] Wh-who are you? [ ] Me? Hmm… Eh? Ara, it seems that I can’t tell you right now. I guess I can let you know that I’m not a hacker, though? [Laine] Im-impossible! We’re all using the best possible gear in the game! If you aren’t a hacker, then there’s no other explanation! Wait… No, there’s one... Are you a Game Master? [ ] Hahaha! Game Master? Haha… Well, I guess you can say that? Anyways, I’m not here to waste any time. I’m sure you’re curious as to what these swords are? I believe you already understand that these are not mere Legendary grade swords. Indeed, you are correct. These are Ethereal grade swords. [Laine] E-Ethereal? Is that part of the next expansion? [ ] Haha, you’re still under the impression that I’m a developer of World of Ascyllia? Then let me correct you. I merely said that I’m an existence that may be considered to be a Game Master! From where I’m from, Ethereal grade equipment may be considered to be one of the most powerful types of equipment. However, there are items that go beyond the power of the Ethereal grade! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, here. Do you know why this game is called ‘World of Ascyllia’? [Laine] Why the game is called ‘World of Ascyllia’? Isn’t it because, in the lore, Ascyllia was the goddess who created the ten realms — the ten servers, and then she granted life to all creations? The game’s end-game is supposed to be where the heroes chosen by Ascyllia fight against her twin sister, Zynerva, in order to prevent the enslavement of the human race, right? [ ] Hoho, not bad, kid. You see, not very many people these days know about the lore of this game. They either play because their friends spend countless hours grinding dungeons, or because of the world class PvP ratings. Then, let me ask you another question. Do you wish to see what lies beyond your so-called end-game? [Laine] What lies beyond end-game? Are you crazy? It’s called ‘end-game’ because it is the end! Or are you talking about the next patch? Does that mean you’re giving me early beta access to the next expansion? [ ] Hmm, I guess you can call it that? Hahaha! So? What’s your answer! Do you want to see it? … I bet Zaire would be really jealous, huh. Oh well, I’ll give him the first drop I get in return I guess. [Laine] … Yes! Who wouldn’t want early access? Haha, it looks like Zaphkiel’s Armaments will have another legend added to it. [ ] … Good. Then, please confirm your decision. [Laine] Confirm? Where do I- ❰Do you wish to enter ‘World of Ascyllia’?❱ ❰Yes / No❱ Huh? I guess they haven’t yet updated the patcher to support early beta access... As the cursor slid over to the [Yes] button, a ‘click’ could be heard. Suddenly, the monitor went blank. It seemed as if the apartment of the young man had a blackout. However, the young man in question didn’t pay attention to any of that. He was currently experiencing the worst migraine of his entire life. Ugh, this is worse than the time I stayed up with Zaire to grind for Noma’s staff… ‘Thump’ With that final thought, on Christmas Eve, in an apartment in downtown, a young man’s body was completely motionless on the ground. *** [ ] Haaa… Oh Ascyllia, maybe our wish will finally be granted…
... My opinion is just an opinion So here goes: -Begin with action. Regardless of when, where, who, what, and why. Action is gold. -The old adage: 'Show don't tell' Because I like figuring things out rather than having them revealed blatantly to me. If you could do that I would read more, more likely •u•
Unfortunately, this story will be closer to a CN cultivation novel in terms of speed (probably). Although I say that, the first battle has already been written (chapter 3) so it's up to you on how "fast" this is The story will focus more on the MC using his knowledge of the game while adventuring in the real version. Since the real version will have quite a number of differences, the experience of all of these mysteries unfolding will be experienced.
I am a little confused... First, I find it weird that someone has class on christmas eve... Second, you said the genre is VRMMORPG, but he seems to be playing a simple MMORPG since he uses a monitor. If he is transferred to the world of the MMORPG, then it isn't VRMMORPG, it is an alternative world. If I'm wrong, could you explain it to me? Third, can you spoil me and tell me if the mmorpg world he transfers to is connected to the mmorpg servers? I mean, can he meet the normal players' characters? Or is it just a world similar to the game, but disconnected? About the writing itself, I think it's fine, it is very similar to japanese novels, even the characters interactions and dialogues, people who like jp light/web novels will like it (it bothers me if I'm binge reading). Although it is important to remind you that Chewy above is right: 'Show, don't tell'. Too much info dumping or describing instead of showing through actions/decisions can be detrimental to the story. Even though I'm already tired of novels about entering a game's world, I would read yours a little more before evaluating. It looks/can be promising.
have some lonf term and short term goal. . . for me. . .if you have palyed zenogears at ps1. . .do it like that. . .
I have quite a bit of foreshadow already written so there will definitely be things to expect. Of course, you can't tell too much from the prologue, but there are a couple of foreshadow elements there. As for short term, the first book will either be based on his life before the first class advancement or until when he reaches the second realm; I still haven't decided on how it'll end (the book that is). Unfortunately, I never played Xenogears and despite reading the plot/gameplay on wikipedia, I still don't have an idea on how they did the actual storytelling.
Dont go the harem route ( dont get me wrong i love harem, but 99% are so brainless thats more like collecting some dolls (probaly thats what the virgin authors do ... ) )
I can tell you with 100% certainty that this will not be a harem. Sure there might be more than one person liking another, but it will have decisive pairings. Personally, I'm getting tired of all the harem novels.
Spoiler It was mentioned that he is a lone exchange student. He's actually in japan right now (hence the japanese style). December 24th of 2016 is actually a saturday, so he was taking a private class. Details about this have already been planned to be revealed Ahh, this was just me not knowing the proper genre of things. I put VRMMORPG because he's going to be transported into a world that's essentially a virtual MMO. The game itself is an MMO Spoiler No, the new world is not connected in a way that other people from the MMO can freely transfer. However, whether there will be other transported characters is still up to debate for me. Also, I also have planned out something for the very end that relates to the game, but that's one thing I won't spoil. Spoiler The reason why the dialogue seems so superficial and stereotypical is because the other three introduced aren't meant to be relevant (at least for now). It's to give readers a contrast for when actual characters in the real world act like actual people and not some stock character spouting out a script. At least, that's what I'll try to be doing I originally wanted to write in a way where it'll feel more like the reader is actually discovering the world rather than some dude popping up for the sake of giving people info. Hopefully I'll be able to do it. My inspiration for writing this novel was to create something that I always wanted to read. For me, that means detailed fights, a game system that's balanced and justified, actual people that can actually think, stuff like that. Of course, what I personally want to read will differ from what others want, but I'll stay true to my beliefs. The reason why I'm not posting any more chapters is because I don't want people to have an incomplete idea of what I'm trying to create. Hopefully people will enjoy the story as much as I do writing it
The beginning is boring. Honestly, I just started skimming through because nothing exciting was going on. If you removed a lot of the dialogue and maybe started with everybody fighting another guild then it would've been better. You could establish the event and some backstory (maybe in enemy reactions) while still making things interesting. Why is the girl telling the MC all of this information for no reason? Why did she not kill him immediately like everyone else? Why is she bothering to invite the MC on a special adventure? It makes no sense. The in-game dialogue doesn't make sense since they're supposed to be in a VRMMO. Basically, you shouldn't be making it seem like they're typing in chat. The info dump dialogue from the girl, and really all the dialogue, is boring as hell. This seems to be a classic case of prologue disease where you want to tell the reader all this stuff, but don't know how to do it. You think that since others have made prologues work, you can too! Wrong. The entire thing is essentially telling and not showing, causing everything to just fall flat. Breaking things up into a chapter or two to show some fights and different aspects of the setting would be better than an info dump prologue. If I've misunderstood something or didn't understand the intricate profundities of your text, then look back at what I misunderstood. Look back and think to yourself, 'if I was the average reader that didn't know a thing coming in, would I understand this?'. You can't assume that people will understand you. You need to MAKE them understand you. Before you type out an explanation about foreshadowing, your plans, etc. just remember that I couldn't care less. It doesn't matter if your vision or idea is great, what matters is how it's being executed at the moment. Consider what makes me want to read the next chapter. Consider, if I read the prologue alone, whether I'd be hooked or not. If I had this awesome story about koalas using snowballs to fight wars, but started with the history of the continent they were on, you wouldn't be very entertained, right? But if I started with koalas fighting this serious war with snowball guns and chemical snowfare, I bet you'd read the next chapter. All this being said, good luck with writing your story!
Hmm, I was going to include an actual fight in the prologue, but there were a couple of reasons why I didn't. It would make the prologue much longer than it already is. Of course, I could remove most of what I already have and change it up. The battles that I want to write will be very detailed, and that means I have to decide on all of the characters involved. From the skills used to the equipment and relative stats, I'll have to have at least have a rough estimate on how the story will be much later down the line. Of course, I could also do what other novels do and just vaguely throw some names and numbers around, but I personally don't want to write battles where it's just a bunch of words with no actual numbers backing anything up. The combat system that I'll be using will be fairly detailed so that people will understand why certain things did so much damage and such. The skills will also work in a unique system that will require quite a bit of explanation, so I intended to introduce the elements of it step by step. Overall, I am considering rewriting the prologue to change the order of things and include a battle scene, but it'll probably be done much later when I have a better idea of the details in fights. This was done intentionally. Would it have been better to start with an explanation on why the girl was there in the first place? Or why she's even bothering with the MC? No offense, but I really don't think this is the way to go. Certain aspects of the reasons behind things like this have already been written in chapter 2, and the rest of the unanswered questions should be left up to the reader's imagination while the story slowly unravels the things behind the scenes. It's not a VRMMO, the synopsis and story itself says that it's an MMORPG. If you thought that it was a VRMMO because of the genre I initially tagged, then I apologize because it was simply my ignorance of proper tagging. The dialogue between the guild members was supposed to be very stereotypical and cliche to contrast for when actual characters start conversing. It was suppose to clearly indicate that these three friends are just superficial. The conversation between the mysterious girl and the MC was indeed a fairly big info dump, so I'll look into it and make it less dumpy. However, I was trying to raise quite a lot of questions and leaving them to be answered for later. For instance, why was she there? What is she trying to do? Why did she pick the MC? Basically questions that you aren't raised that "make no sense." I'll definitely look into rewriting the prologue dialogues to see if I can make things more enjoyable, but there probably won't be too much of a difference. I wrote the prologue with the idea of introducing a couple of characters and the game, World of Ascyllia. After the prologue, the game itself won't be involved whereas the knowledge of the game will be heavily used. I have a feeling that you're assuming this is a VRMMO where reality will still be involved, but this is a transported novel where the game itself will not play a huge role aside from info. And I also believe that prologues should serve to be the introduction to any story, something that will give the readers an idea of what the overall tone of the novel will be. With that said, I did do a poor job to show the tone that I wish to show, and that would be a detailed version of the true World of Ascyllia. The story will have details that some will think is unnecessary and pointless while others will enjoy the extra bit of info (I'd rather have too much than not enough). Of course, I agree that the whole thing comes across as a huge info dump. I will try to change things up a bit, but there are key pieces of info that will still have to included. I understand that people won't understand everything that I'm thinking of. However, I also don't want to spoon feed info where everything will be expected. I really like novels that raise a lot of questions where the answers won't come easily and will make readers actually think about how things will turn out. After the prologue, the readers should have tons of questions about the mysterious girl, and a lot of them will be answered right away. The speed of this novel will be relatively slow, something like a cultivation novel, and that means we'll be going through (basically) his life. The difference is that we're starting at a point where he's already fairly grown up and his past will be brought up as the story progresses. ----- If I came across as hostile, then I'll apologize right now as I'm trying to reply with what I truly think. However, I would be lying to say that I wasn't frustrated. Some of the points you brought up directly goes against what I was trying to convey while others were really good opinions that I'll definitely take into consideration. Thanks a lot for the time to bring up so many things and I hope that my finished product will be something that you'll enjoy