Nice try. As to mistakes, well I'm neither a writer nor a translator, so I'm not really familiar with creating novels, but I know thing or two about English. Anyway I'd recommend you working on your language, it's a bit sloppy. I got what you tried to convey, but the sentence structure seemed unnatural, rather forced with too much details in one go. It worsened reading experience. Maybe proof-reader will suffice?
You can also post this on scribble hub because the community is much more friendly there imo. You can also easily reach out to experienced authors/writers and pick up lots of tips.