[RANT] So back when quarantine first started, I left my lab goggles in the lab since I expected to be back in the lab next week. Unfortunately, covid hit and I wasn't able to enter the lab again for the next few following semesters. So I ended up losing my goggles cuz of that. Now this semester, I'm going to be back in the lab and I needed to buy new goggles for myself. I go to my mother and mention it to her that I'm getting new ones since I lost the previous ones I had. She looks at me and starts saying how I need to be more responsible, how I have never once taken care of my stuff etc etc. So I tell her "Oh no, I left my goggles in the lab because I thought I would be back next week anyway but covid happened so I couldn't get them." She then laughs (in a mocking way) and repeats the same thing how I never take of my stuff and how I need to. So I try explaining again to her that it's not really my fault because I never knew covid was going to happen. Again she laughs. So at this point, I'm getting annoyed because it's obvious by her laughing and repeating the same thing of "how I'm always losing stuff" that she doesn't believe me. So I stand there, and ask her if she thinks I'm lying. She laughs again and says "oh you never lie do you?" At this point, I'm extremely aggravated (I know I have a bit of a bad temper) because it's clear she thinks I'm lying but she's hiding behind the excuse of "I never said you lied" by being VERY passive aggressive. So this goes on, and I'm getting heated by the second because she keeps on laughing, staying silent, and telling me that I'm someone who needs to stop and always arguing. I know I wasn't very calm but it felt SO upsetting how she was acting towards me. I tell her "I know I'm irresponsible and I won't deny that, but this time wasn't really my fault." Then my grandpa comes in, looks at me, and starts laughing/snickering because at this point I'm very upset at the lack of proper discussion and blatant mockery/passive aggressiveness. It's SO humiliating and annoying because all I get is silent snickering rather than words. Then my mom says "you know how to act all tough and loud at home yet you can't even speak outside." Now this puts me off the edge. I have had stuttering issues ever since I was little and it's something I still struggle with today. I don't stutter all the time but the stuttering tends to get triggered when I speak on the phone, to strangers, or just randomly at all times. I went with her to the lawyer a few days ago, and I ended up severely stuttering there while trying to introduce my name. It sucks because people look at you with pity and confusion. My mother rarely sees my outside and this is prob the impression she has of me when talking to people outside. She didn't watch me grow up stuttering so she's very unfamiliar with it. The first time she ever even saw it was last year again at the lawyer and she gawked at me in public with my father. So I understand her perception of me. It's something I hate about myself since I am outspoken and always try to give my opinion on matters. Regardless of outside or inside. (I don't stutter usually when I'm debating outside.) And she KNOWS how sensitive I am over this. So I ask her "Did you just mock me for my stuttering?" I'm tearing up at this point and my voice is pretty loud. Again she denies, says I'm crazy, and I need to leave. My grandpa says there is something wrong wit my brain, puts his hand on my shoulder while AGAIN laughing, and says "calm down, go sit down somewhere. You're always right and such a good girl." And he doesn't even know what's going on at ALL. He just comes in, and immediately starts treating me like an insane and mentally retarded person. The goggles were just 10 dollars anyway, and I paid for them too. I don't know if I'm being dramatic but stuff like this hurts. People just laugh at me, don't say anything, and then act like I'm the insane crazy one. Am I in the wrong here? Maybe my perspective is just warped and there really is something wrong with me. Sorry for the long rant.
I'm not saying anything about your situation, but typically if I see someone getting emotional during a conversation I can't help but think something is wrong with them.
I wasn't emotional at all up until the point she brought up my stuttering. At that point my grandpa and mother had already been laughing at me for a few minutes so I was pretty worn out. When it started out, I calmly asked if she thought I was lying about the goggles which she NEVER answered. All she did was laugh. What am I supposed to think when she just laughs at me instead of talking?
As someone going through similar difficulties all the time, I understand how you feel. Sometimes it gets so difficult to just make them understand our pov. At this point I've given up making people understand that what they're casually saying are my trigger points. I don't get furious over nothing all the time but you're pressing all my wrong buttons all the times. I don't stutter but am obese and due to adhd and depression, have lagged in my studies. These situations, even I don't know how to get through. Let me explain it this way, do you find it wrong if a person screams and cries if he accidentally gets stepped on, on his injured foot? No, right? The same is the case, sometimes people trigger people's emotional sore spots which leads to emotional outbursts. The difference is physical injuries are visible but emotional ones like insecurities, trauma, phobias etc aren't. But do they both hurt, yes. If a person is getting emotionally stimulated during a conversation, instead of pressing on, people should have the common sense to step back and let them cool down a bit before proceeding as per situation. People tend to do the opposite most of the time and it often turn an irritated person into an aggressive one and then people say that person's not sane or sth.
You're not wrong at all. You are trying to communicate, but your mom doesn't want to. And it was incredibly low of her to hit your insecurities when you refused to back down. She didn't want to have a conversation and aknowledge your point of view and choose an easy way to shut you down. And your grandpa is condescending. People mocking you but refusing to talk about it and ignoring your explanation can drive somebody over the edge. I understand what you are going through, you're not in the wrong, you did your best to communicate peacefully and to come to an understanding. Communication is a wonderful tool. It might not work in your family but don't give up on it, it'll be a great help in the relationships you will create.
No, you are not in the wrong, some parents are like that, and the fact that you left your goggles doesn't work in your favour here and the stuttering makes it worse, are they not aware of you?
You know what you did wrong? You should have never argued in the first place. You should've stopped when your gut told you that the person before you is not interested in the truth that you speak of. There's going to be many such scenarios ahead in life, people who aren't in your shoes, won't bother considering your perspective. Parents aren't Omnipotent, we should stop expecting them to understand us all the time. Yes it hurts a lot but so does everything else.
I don't think you are crazy. Its somewhat like that out of the blue "Are you mad/angry?" question a resting bitchface (not even thinking anything, much less being emotional here) gets and people repeat it at you until you do get angry over the question itself. The only good of your situation is that you know now not to engage your mom and grandfather seriously. This internet rando suggests doing something that relaxes you.
They probably don't understand you. It's normal for parents to tease their children but some don't know when they're going overboard. Maybe they think of everyone like themselves so to them it's fine to mess with you, while you're super shy.
You're right. I should never have even argued. This has happened so many times, and at the end of the day I'm the insane lunatic every single time. This is always her way, she says something insulting, and when I respond, she goes silent. I get agitated when she refuses to respond, and it just makes me look someone who always want to argue. I wish I had better control over my emotions, so i could easily ignore her and just keep my thoughts to myself. I'm not shy at all though. I'm very outspoken and always ready to defend my opinion. It's contradictory with the fact that I stutter, but I don't always stutter. And I don't think they were messing with me or teasing me. That was mockery as it always has been. Their mindset is "arguing is the same as conversation/debate" so they will never have a conversation. All they do is provoke and then go silent. The issue is I'm the one that can't say my piece and go silent as well, I always need a response.
You goggles have disappeared after several semesters. What makes you believe they wouldn't disappear after a week? You think she thinks you think your're responsible for the loss but want her to think you think you aren't? And you've started an argument to make your mother admit she thinks what you think she thinks irregardless of whether she actually thinks that? Interesting.
Before anything else. Know it’s not your fault. Your circumstances was very logical. How often does a global pandemic happen. The ones that are ridiculous is your mom and by extension your grandpa. Personally, my first response. Move out. Stay at a friend house until you find a place. Second I’d place the both of them in Low Contact. Especially your mom. I’d even consider having No Contact. You don’t need the grief right now with all your studies. On a side note @Saorihirai just always remember. The only one that has power over you. Is you. Don’t give it to anyone. Show them how an adult should have acted. I wish you luck in your studies
No, I don't think my goggles would have disappeared after a few days or a week. But even if I assume they did, and that she thinks it IS my fault, (which is a valid opinion I guess), she never talks. She just laughs at me, without saying a word except "be more responsible" and when I do say "so you think it's my fault" or "Do you think I'm lying" she refuses to talk still. If she did think that why couldn't she say that? Is it hard to say "Your goggles would have probably disappeared after a week anyway."? She never explains herself but just laughs at me with my grandpa when I try to explain my position to her. I didn't start an argument to make her believe it's not my fault I only just SAID my position but I'm only met with laughter and "I never said anything". When I tried to ask her why she thought I was lying or why she was laughing, she could have easily just explained that she believes it's my fault. But when I said that to her, all she said was "I never said you were lying or wrong. I'm just laughing. What's so wrong with that?" I guess the mockery just got to me. She was acting so passive aggressive without explaining anything.
Idk, I can't really see this as a sign to move out. It's at most a minor inconvenience compared to the financial cost of being in their own place. No need to cut all contact from them just because of a bit of nagging, something that is pretty common for parents to get stuck in the habit of doing. If it's actually causing a lot of unneeded stress, maybe consider it.
You have a point. I also agree. Moving out might be a little premature. But personally I think it’s a good excuse to move out. Many cultures value generations of family all living under the same roof. I come from a similar culture, but when you move out and become free. I have to tell It’s so worth it. When your the master of your life. It’s amazing. Now I’m not saying you should cut all contact because homesickness is a real thing. But believe me occasionally visits will fix that all right up, but best of all it will be under your terms. Just a suggestion. Especially if your going to college or right about to finish school
Yeah, doesn’t seem like your fault. This is a really frustrating situation to be in, especially because it’s really difficult to place exactly where things went wrong. Like people above me said, your mom doesn’t seem to want to have an actual conversation. I don’t know why she was laughing in the beginning because I don’t know her and can’t assume, but the entire situation felt like she was trying to get you riled up. It’s difficult with family members and especially parents who do this, since they’re supposed to be your family, and they’re supposed to be mature, right? A lot of the times people are still holding onto a lot of their own baggage (and I don’t know if this is true of your mom) but it can come out in the form of vindictive provocation and belittlement. Especially when getting other people involved, her job is not to cover her ass and make you the butt of the joke, it’s to stand by you even if that means apologizing for a poorly thought out laugh. Sorry you have to deal with this. I don’t know what your situation is, but if this is an ongoing issue that’s been occurring for several years, it might be best to consider setting boundaries. That might even mean moving out. Obviously, don’t take a strangers advice on the internet, but I was in a similar situation and it got 10x better when I left for college, and now that I’m a fully functioning adult with a separate life from my parents and siblings it’s even easier to be around them a couple times a year (vs every day). Probably don’t listen to me though, I don’t know, I’m not really known for giving great advice. Again, sorry. This sucks. It’s not your fault. Obviously, there are things you could have done to de-escalate the situation but that’s true for both of you. Don’t worry so much about it, you’re worth more than being told you’re not.
This is a thing ignorant adults do all the time. In their mind, they have to be superior to anyone younger than them, but they don't actually know how to do it, so they just bully them. No, you're not in the wrong, they're just assholes.
Welcome to this episode of People are toxic. Even if they're family. The way I deal is I mirror them. So next time they argue with you - you laugh and snicker and be passive-aggressive. Just treat people how they treat you, easy. And unless you're a teen, it's time to learn how to reign in your emotions. Did you never get bullied at school? Getting heated and upset is what some people want to see from you, that's why they laugh. It's amusing to them how easy it is to push your buttons. The thing is, I grew up with toxic people, so I learned how to protect my nerves. In your case, you say you need new goggles and don't explain why. When they ask, you say someone stole them. No further excuses. And when they say you're irresponsible and can't take care of your things, you say 'Sure.' and nothing more. And then let them rant as you stare on and off into the distance until they're fed up. And when they go silent, you say 'Alright'. And go about your business. Why should you argue further? Would anyone give you a prize when you win justice for yourself? Such a thing doesn't exist. Those are not the battles worth picking.
Huh? MF what????? Also to op; they were just fucking with you (in a family way? if thats a thing) and to me it seems like it just piled onto you. Some times that shit happens to me. I'll actually be outgoing about a situation and I'd recieve a snarky remark or something that essentially invalidates/creates an argument to anything that I just said. For example I would say "Man I really gotta buy a new phone" and if someone were to respond with "How about you stop being so clumsy/forgetful". Theres no need for shit like that to be said; a simple "yea have you seen the new *insert product name here*?" would've been perfect and might have led to an interesting convo about tech Also, dont move out because of this situation. I had a friend that lived with shit parents and mf moved out at 17. Now that mfs living out his car; fuckin it is what it is.
No, if you already explained the situation, and they still don't believe you, then that's ain't your fault. And it's true; no one expected this pandemic. It feels relatable, sometimes what you want the most is people at home to mentally support you, but their snide comments and their undertone stings. Sometimes you end up into a shouting match to point out the flaws in their argument, and you become them in ways you don't like. Would get some clear air. It ain't immediate move out of house if it's just one time thing. If it happens constantly, then I would think about ways to get some air without being around them, find people irl that can actually support you. And if they still don't support and majority of what they say always bring you down, then maybe it's time to plan for move, but only when one's ready.