I am posting this thread to improve myself, So you can be as brutal as you want. Also I have one more thing to add, This prologue was supposed to be a HP fanfic. Spoiler: Prologue 'Another fucking scar' Orion hissed in pain as his fingertips touched his lips, His lips were definitely split open at the corner. Before he could recover from the first punch he felt another one in the guts, Resulting in air escaping his lungs, On his knees, he clutched his abdomen in pain. ‘Agh’ Instead of words, saliva spewed out of his mouth. Tears threatening to fall, He hastily rubbed his eyes with his free hand, The last thing he wanted was to let the bastards in front of him see his weakness, as pathetic it sounded, pride was the only thing he had and he was going to held onto it tightly, They would have to tear his arms off before taking away his pride. Make no mistake, he knew only powerful people had the right to hold pride. But as they say, desperate people would clutch onto anything for even a little hope, Even if it makes their life even harder. He was scared, really scared. He knew every single one of the 5 bullies in front of him could beat him with ease, let alone all at once, Especially fat Billy in front of him. By this point even he knew that it was fruitless to fight back, He should as well give up and let them swing a few punches, Hopefully, he might get away with just minor bruises. But one thing overtook his fear completely, anger, yes he was angry, Not on the billies, but himself, his weakness. The pain just fueled that fury even more, But he could do nothing and he knew it just like he could do nothing when he goes home where his alcoholic father would went his anger on him. He wished he had more power, Power to protect himself, Power to make anyone think twice before lifting even their eyes at him. He took a deep breath to satisfy his carving lungs with oxygen and charged right at Billy, Yes charging towards him, not running away from him. He rammed his skinny shoulder right into the torso of fat billy in front of him. The impact felt like he just ran into a wall rather than a person, that bastard didn’t move an inch. As he said, weak people can't afford pride His shoulder still resting on his opponent's abdomen, He began to throw clumsily punches at Billy, He didn’t care where the punches landed, all that mattered was to hurt the fat kid in front of him. Billy just swung his elbow onto Orion’s spine making the skinny kid instantly drop on his knees. Orion let out a silent cry, arching his back inwards due to pain, revealing his chest to his opponent and ‘tump’ He felt another impact on his chest which sent him flying on his back, His head hitting the asphalt which left him in a daze. Then came the kicks, The other 4 had also joined Billy. His stomach, legs, chest, Everything hurts All Orion could do was curl himself up and continue to take the kicks. He didn’t know how long it lasted, But the kicks stopped, Billy’s followed “Ok that’s enough, Let’s get out of here,’ Orion just remained down on the ground, his head finally started to process his situation. He felt a sharp object which Orion could only make out was a rock in his right hand. He opened his eyes and all he could see was blurry silhouettes of the retreating gang of Billy. With his last desperate attempt, he picked up the rock with whatever strength he had left and threw it in the general direction of the silhouettes. ‘Ahhh’ It was billy’s voice, a wide smile slowly spread throughout his bloody face. ‘Take that, you bastard,’ Before he knew it, a kick came smashing his face and Orion knew no more. . the next time he opened his eyes, The sky has already darkened, the streets light were probably about to light up and there were less people on the streets. But Orion was in no hurry, He just continued to lay there looking at the darkening sky with his hopeless grey eyes. What was he going to do at home anyway, Other than getting beaten by that drunk bastard he calls father. Orion wondered how long will it go on, How long will he get beaten every day. How long will he continue to fight a losing battle every single day of his life? Was he doomed to be the one who goes down first? Did his hard work meant nothing? Even after all those exercises, pull-ups and push up. Billy and his little gang still manage to beat him with ease. Even with the slightest movement pain soured through his body especially his ribs. His chicks trembled a little bit as tears began to flow down his eyes. It was fine to cry now, no one was looking, Not that anyone would care anyway. ‘Get up you bastard, Orion Blackneal never gives up,’ As pathetic and illogical it sounded. It was probably the only thing that kept Orion going in his little miserable life. It was probably the only thing that tricked him away from dispairing in this hopeless life. He didn’t know how long these pathic excuses of a slogan would last, Orion knew it was just a matter of time before it stops working, After all, he couldn't fool himself forever. Pushing himself up while trying to ignore all the pain that he was feeling right now, He tried to support himself with the alley wall. 'ack' But despite trying to control his screams, A pained moan still managed to escape his mouth before a dry cough followed by a chock. Apparently, the blood has dried up in his broken nose and he couldn’t breathe through it. Limply, He started heading towards his house wondering If his dear old dad might have passed out with all that drinking, maybe even dead. But life likes to fuck with Orion, so it was was highly unlikely. After all, where will be the fun if he was just another borning sod who lived his normal life? Orion house was situated in a clean and quiet neighbourhood, His father was a garage owner who fixed cars for a living. It was probably the most ideal job for him, All the work was done by the manager and all he needed to do was just look over the work and that’s all. The hallway of his house was dark, void of any light, There were 3 doors and a stairway in it. The right door was opened with a faint light of tv coming through the crack. He could hear the sports commentary from the tv. Orion'e eyes fell on the only photo hanging in the entire hallway, It was the photo of a young couple smiling. With a yearning look, Orion looked at the black brunette in the picture, He had never met his mother as he was the one who ended her life when he was a day old, But looking at the photo, she seems like a loving person, But well photos can be deceiving, his father was the prime example of it. There was not a hint of similarity between the person in the photo and the bastard sitting in the living room. It still surprises him that his father could actually smile, The only emotion he had ever seen on his father's face was resentment and loathing, Nothing else. Anyway, back to the current situation, Orion, closed the front door slowly, trying to be as discrete as he could be, before slowly walking towards the stairways which led to his room. ‘Maybe he is passed out' Orion relaxed a little thinking that the man inside the living room didn’t hear him walking. As he was about to climb the stairs. "BOY" 'You wish Blackneal you wish' With another depressed sigh, he went into the living room. There was no use in fighting anyway. One could only hear the voice of the man curse and the sound of a belt hitting something. The next day Orion dragged his sour body through the shower, Trying to scrap away any dried blood on his face. Last night went a little well compare to usual standards. That bastard passed out in the middle of their little father_son bonding secession. After the shower Orion stood in front of the giant mirror in his bedroom, There were purple marks all over his body complementary with a few scars, He just gave them a cold look at those bruises, before wearing his worn-out white shirt. He opened The front door to leave just to see a man with a long nose, greasy long black hair and pitch-black eyes. He was wearing a black rob which reminded Orion a bit about batman. There was a scowl plastered on his face which felt natural for some reason. "Who the fuck are you?” The scowl deepened.
7.5 pretty interesting, but several points I'm unsure about 1- Since it's been said that he's gone through the beating by the bullies and his drunk dad countless times i- since he's apparently small, people would've been able to tell something was wrong (y was it ignored till his current age (how old is he?)) ii- He's apparently still small and weak, bruises easily too, but shouldn't it be that after constant exposure to abuse his body would've naturally toughened more for self-preservation (I guess, dunno much about human physiology) and it mentions that he'd exercised a bit too so it doesn't make sense that all the punches he threw at Billy was completely useless 2- Because of his experience with being beaten, I guess you should add a small scene about him taking care of his wounds, bcs normally ppl would try to deal with their wounds and since he's well-off(?) He should have first-aid stuff
Six? 1. I hate the unjustified text. Maybe this is NU limitation, though. Spacing too is a problem to me. It is just something that made me feel like, do I have to read this wall of text? 2. Story wise... I don't really like it. Like, I don't feel a hook that made me want to read it. The character feels like a cliché. 3. It's supposed to be prologue, but it feels like we're in confrontation already, before deescalating the tension. I don't know who the protagonist is. Yet I already get thrown into action. 4. It feels like a checklist. He gets bullied. He get defeated against the bullies. He have an abusive dad. 5. Pitch black eyes? Like black sclera? Come on. That's a horror stuff. The reaction is just unnatural. 6. Too... descriptive. Just, less telling and more showing?
I edited some writing style mistakes. Bolds are unnecessary/extra/useless words. Underlines are different approaches or mistake corrections. You are chewing on the same subjects several times. The extra texts doesn't add any new information.
Not bad. That’s a pretty good prologue. One quick word of advice. Watch out when using autocorrect option. It may give you a word that isn’t what you were hoping for. Always read your work more than twice. Than have someone else read it twice. Than submit it. I wish you luck in this endeavor
Prologue is Latin for "skip this unneeded part of the story." Your prologue is messy, which is fine since most readers skip that part anyway.