I need some feedback on the following paragraph. Please let me know if you can make it "flow better" or if I've made any grammatical errors. Sentence: I’m the Ogre King, ruler of the Beast Cave! And you’re the humans who destroyed my home! Context: This is the speech the Ogre King made when he made his entrance, after having chased down the adventurers who had just razed his cave (i.e. home). This paragraph must contain two components. Firstly, the introduction for the Ogre King and, secondly, his declaration of the "crime" the humans had just committed.
If he's the king, does he really need to state that he's the king, and it's his place? If you ask me, you could use the next paragraph to describe a bit that this guy is different, has some kind of majestic aura to him. It sounds a little like an insecure guy peptalking himself up. And a lot of times spoken dialogue has a different flow then grammatically proper written one. Ogres are generally viewed as savages, and if he's living in a cave, he's probably not the best speaker. Maybe even curses. Go for something like 'You little shits! Daring to ruin my home?!' or something. Like accusing and laying down his judgement all at once, like the tyrant he probably is. Unless yer going for something else.
Eh, not in this scene. In this one it's kind of like when police or other law enforcements state who they are when they're on action.
In a different situation such as the hero party breaks into the throne room of the King Ogre I can see him saying something more along the lines of the OP: You dare!? I am the great leader of my kind! The King of Ogres! Conqueror of the cave of beasts! You destroy my home and then dirty my throne room with your filthy human presence!? However the OP has said this line is enunciated when the Ogre catches up to, or ambushes the party. In both of these cases it will likely flow more if the Ogre immediately attacks: -------------------------------------- The great club - basically a tree trunk - came swinging out of the darkness towards the hero as fast as any knight could swing their sword. The hero threw themselves back, missing death by inches. Their wagon was destroyed in a single blow. The campfire extinguished itself from the air pressure alone. "I am the Ogre King!" the behemoth screamed. It was mad with fury, its face contorted in rage. It swung again, this time their supply horses were turned to red paste under the overwhelming power of the Ogre King. "I am the ruler of the beast cave!" The creature charged at the party. Alina had already finished a defensive spell and was deep in focus, ready to activate at the right time. "You destroyed my home and now I will destroy you!" -------------------------------------- That in my opinion would be a better way to have the information given out rather than have the Ogre King stand there and pontificate on his reasoning before attacking.
Because it's a quote, it should have quotation marks at the beginning and end. You should also say who is speaking and give us an idea of how the quote is being spoken. Is the Ogre King angry? Sad? Happy? Annoyed? Also, is he giving any body language that would add to the effect? I think if I was writing the above quote I would write it like, The Ogre King stood up from his throne his muscles tense. A deep voice rumbled out in a soft commanding tone, "I am the ruler of this Beast Cave." He stared into their eyes one by one and then spoke more forcefully, "I am the Ogre King, and you... You are the filthy creatures who destroyed it?" He took a deep breath and then loudly yelled, "Destroyed my home!"