Picked Up I want to smile beside you in the spring when you don't see me yet

Name:I want to smile beside you in the spring when you don't see me yet
まだ見ぬ春も、君のとなりで笑っていたい
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Why It Should Get Picked Up:
A beautifully written story the main character's sensitivity comes through in the writing, and it's interesting to read. It's also kind of nice that the boy is described in a more delicate way.

Description:
No matter how much you hate yourself. But you are still my light. At first glance, Haruka seems to be enjoying her life without any worries. But in fact, everything is not going well: love, friendship, relationship with her parents. While she is struggling to breathe, she meets a mysterious boy named Amane. For some reason, Haruka is unable to speak, and after school, they have an idle chat, which becomes Haruka's salvation. Haruka decides to do something for Amane, but ends up hurting him deeply... I don't care if you hate me, I just want you to smile.

Spoiler

It was the first time in my life that I was truly in love.

I was always thinking about him, and I could stare at him for hours and never get tired of him.

I really, really liked him.

But I lost my heart so easily.

I gathered up my courage and confessed my feelings to him with trembling, but he rejected me without hesitation.

It was so easy that I couldn't help but laugh.

But in my heart, I was crying.

I'm still crying in my heart.

I'm crying while laughing.

And when it becomes too painful to laugh, I run to this secret place and cry until my tears run dry.


I'm sorry.

"Excuse me, this is Hirose.

When I knocked on the door of the guidance office and said my name, I heard "Come in" from inside.

I knocked on the door and said my name.

Mr. Kobayashi, the guidance counselor, was sitting at a table set in the middle of the room with his arms folded.

His intimidating presence made my spine tingle with tension, as it always does. Perhaps it was because I had something to be ashamed of.

I wonder how many times I've been here already. I've always been able to write only vague things on the application form, and I've often been called in for individual meetings by the homeroom teacher and the career counselor, as if I were considered a serious problem child. Today, too, I was handed a note at the morning meeting that said, "Come to the guidance office after school," and suppressing the urge to sigh, I went there right after the meeting.

"There, sit down.
"Yes, .......

I sat down across from him, looking down.

Kobayashi-sensei is a math teacher who advises the kendo club and is famous for being strict and scary. I'm not sure what to make of this.

So, it's been a month since the last interview, how have you been thinking about it? Have you found something you want to do?
"I'm sorry, ....... It's still .......

I silently squeezed the urge to say, "How can I find something in a month or so?


For me, dreams and goals for the future are incredibly far away, and it's not something that I can easily find, and it seems like I may never find them.

But in this school, students like me, who have no idea what university or department they want to go to, are in the minority. It's me who's crazy, I thought as I stared at the scratches on my desk and sighed in my heart.

You still haven't decided?

I mumble again. I'm sorry," I mumble again.

What are you going to do, the year is already over?　　The second year of high school is the year with no students taking exams. If you don't start studying for the exam in earnest in your second year, it will be too late in your third year. You need to decide on your career path in your first year, and plan ahead with your goals in mind. ......

I felt like the teacher's words were passing from my right ear to my left.

I've heard this story more than ten times now. I've heard it from my homeroom teacher, I've heard it at the school assembly, and I've heard it from the teacher in charge of my class. I thought of the saying, "You can get calluses in your ears.

Apparently, I'm in the minority in this grade because I don't know what university I want to go to, what department I want to attend, or even what I want to do. That's why I've been called in many times for individual interviews.


How is it that everyone is able to envision the future so many years in advance? I can't even picture myself one year in the future, what I will be doing, what I will be like.

I can't even imagine myself studying at a university, or working at a company to earn money. Will I really be able to become a member of society? What kind of work can I do?

As I was asking myself these questions for the umpteenth time, the teacher finally slowed down.

Well, I don't understand why you can't think about your future in detail yet.

I couldn't help but raise my eyes at his words. I was expecting him to tell me that I didn't have to make a decision right away.

But the doctor's face was as stern as ever.

The teacher's face was as stern as ever, "I don't know, but you're a high school student now, you can't be too picky. The teacher has seen a lot of people who procrastinate like that, and before they know it, they're in their third year, and because they don't have a goal, they don't devote themselves to their studies, and they fall further and further behind their peers, and before they know it, it's the day of the exam, and they don't get into any university.

As I listened, I turned my head again and made a small suggestion, "Yes.


So, I'm saying this with you in mind. I'm telling you this so that you won't regret it two years from now. Do you understand?　　Do you understand?

Yes, .......

Then take it seriously.

I think I'm really thinking about it, but I can't come up with an answer. I'm not sure if I'm serious or if I'm just not as serious as everyone else.

And you should talk to your parents about it.

When I heard what the teacher added, I felt my heart grow even heavier. I stifled a sigh and nodded again, "Yes.

You should think about it carefully, it's your future. There are some people who write down their dreams of becoming voice actors, idols, or actresses on their application forms, but those are really narrow fields. You may be flashy and think you want to be an entertainer, but it's not that easy to become one, you understand?

I was tempted to argue that I wasn't flirtatious, but I swallowed my words.

For a long time, I've often been told that. It's not that I wear make-up or have piercings, but my friends and teachers think I'm flirtatious because of my flashy face.

I just wake up a little earlier than the other girls, do my hair properly, and fold my skirt once to make it a little shorter.


'Well, I'll call you back sometime next week. I'll call you back next week, and by then you'd better really think about it and find something you want to do next time.

No matter how much I thought about it, it would probably be impossible, but I replied, "I understand," and bowed my head.

As soon as I left the guidance office and closed the door, I felt exhausted. It was much colder in the corridor than in the room, where the outside air crept in through the window panes, and I felt my back shiver.

Sighing loudly, I closed my eyes and turned my head, waiting for my disturbed feelings to calm down.

But then I heard footsteps coming from the other side, and I hurriedly looked up. I can't let anyone see me like this. I smacked myself on the cheek to get my energy up.

As I walked towards the classroom building, the words of the teacher kept running through my head.

Find out what you want to do and decide on a career path. It's something we've all been told in elementary school and junior high school. And it's something that everyone does as a matter of course.

And yet, I just can't seem to get it right.


When I was in kindergarten or so, I used to dream innocently of being a cake maker or a florist, but when did I lose the power to dream? The future that once seemed so bright and shiny has now become so cloudy and depressing that just thinking about it makes me feel heavy.

Dreaming and finding out what I want to do or be is so difficult for me that every time I think about it, I feel as if I am standing in front of a high, high wall.

In the first place, is it possible to "find" what you want to do? Isn't what we naturally want to do, what we really want to do? When you are desperately searching for something, it's not what you want to do anymore.

If I were to desperately search for something before the next interview and decide what I wanted to do, it would probably just be an excuse. It's not what I really want to do.

The more I thought about it, the more I felt heavy and painful, and I sighed again.

 

I picked this book up. You can read it here

 

Yaayy! Thank you (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ