Hi! I’m currently in a “fight” with an ex and I would appreciate an outside perspective on whether I’m overeacting to said situation. My ex and I broke up new years eve cause I went through his phone & found hurtful bordeline cheating texts between him and his girl bestfriend. He was texting her “youre beautiful” “babe” but would pair it with throw up emoji’s, memes etc. When I confronted him he said he was being sarcastic, just joking& that she lives in another country so it means nothing. But he also called her drunkenly to tell her how much he loved her. He also had the audacity to send her a pic of me and him to her and ask if I’m what she imaged?! I broke up with him. A week ago we rekindle, he apologizes and I set new boundaries (with a need to know basis on every act of infidelity taken during the break). Yesterday we meet for the first time in 3 weeks, I find a little camera and I’m looking through it and I find pics of him and his 2 yr ex in his room, kissing in his bed, taken just days after we broke up and another of them on a date 1 week before today. I was furious and broke up with him again but he insists that my actions are unwarranted, and that this should not impact our relationship since we’d already broken up. Says he didnt tell me bc he knew how I would react. Mind you, we’ve fought over this ex before. And whilst we were broken up I would try to understand us by reading the book “all about love” and sending him little paragraphs of anything new I learned. I just hate that he reached out knowing what hed done and not having the balls to tell me before I was emotionally invested again. I also hate that it only took him less than a week. Am I overreacting cause deep down I’m really starting to doubt my stance.
I mean, was he really that invested in you if it took only a couple of days to hook up with someone else? I'm not touching the first part, that could just be how they act, I dunno. Also, who insists that actions on "breaks" don't matter? Please refer to my first paragraph.
There's too much drama. Walk away. This relationship is not worth it anymore. That said, I do have issues with you invading his privacy by going through his phone and camera. Especially so if you did it before you even had suspicions of his cheating.
He’s cheated 2x times in the relationship with his ex. Hes never had a problem with me going through his digital camera before but this time he started panicking. And one of my boundaries was we can only build trust if we’re open with our phones which he agreed to.
+1 to this. he's cheated before several times in past relationships? i'm of the view: once a cheater, always a cheater. you should just nope the fuqbiscuits out of there. there's more red flags than a Soviet parade.
You already know he's a cheater. He has cheated on his ex before and now he's cheated on you. Why are you still trying to pursue this relationship? What are you getting out of him that you can put any of this aside?
Just end it, you won't get a happy ending trying to be with a cheater. Their brains are wired differently than us, they don't get the same feelings of shame or remorse we'd get if we cheated. Honestly I'm not really sure how it works, but once someone shows that they're capable of cheating, chances are it means they won't ever stop cheating.
Dump his [un]sorry ass. Edit: After reading your other replies, I can't imagine why you've stayed with him this long. Are you secretly masochistic? Are you suspicious by nature and love to be proved right? Are you a hopeless romantic, an incorrigible optimist? Are you on a reformation project? Or do you nurture vague ambitions of playing detective, ambitions he provides the perfect platform for the playing out of?
Unfortunately, he cheated on his ex and has also cheated on me 2x with said ex (this makes it the 3rd time)
This might sounds cliche, but it's very hard for a tiger to shed off its stripes. He cheated two times in his relationship with his ex, and now, seems to do so on you? Really, hardly a surprise. You aren't overreacting. It's completely sane and normal to feel upset—even rage, after you feel that you're being cheated. Especially if he has a history like that. Relationship takes a lot of effort to be build, and how would you feel if a house you build with your own two hands have a shoddy foundation because your partner skimmed the much needed money for a limited edition victoria secr*t hot pink bikini? As a humble outsider who don't know anything except what you've write in here, i suggest that you took 6 months off him and try new things. Widen your circle, and seek activity that brings you happiness . Make a healthy support system. At the end of the 6 months, evaluate it again—do you still feel that you can't live without him, or can you now? Do you feel like what he does to his girl best friend seems like cheating, or not? After all, boundaries is something that you set. It's not real and concrete, it's just what you feel you can put up with. I do have some friends that acts like your bf to their girl best friend, but insist that they're just friends and they have their own lovers. What matters is, how comfortable are you with this? Whatever your answer, it's not wrong. After all, nothing is right or wrong in this kind of things. But my dear nuffian , He's a cheater and a liar, and these "revelations" are only the ones that YOU managed to find out. What about the other affairs? Do you really trust someone whose been lying to their ex as easy as breathing when they're in love? After all of their effort? He smile while he lies and he told "i love you"s while he lies and he hugs them a few hours after he slept with another person. What might assure you that he treated you differently from his ex? His words? It seems to be one of the cheapest commodity around. Anyway, whatever your choice, wish you an abundance of happiness ahead
As for the first part, it seems like neither an overreaction nor gaslighting. I mean, he wasn't actively cheating on you but given his past, obviously, anyone would have trouble believing him. As for the second one, he understood clearly your condition and he chose to lie. He clearly manipulated you into getting back with him. This is clearly gaslighting and not you overreacting. Given how easy he is with the other ladies, and how easily he lied to you, I even wonder if he's actually treating you simply as one of his side-hoes. Either way, I'm glad he's now your ex. Given his past, even if he didn't cheat anymore, it's going to take a long time until you can relax and trust him again which, frankly speaking, could be a massive waste of time if you're looking for a stable and happy relationship. If you couldn't trust him but miss his presence on your bed or simply companionship, better choose to be a friend-with-benefit instead if you truly have to (not recommended but still a better option than getting back to him as his official girlfriend). Then, you don't need to invest more than necessary and just enjoy the ride. Otherwise, Fulminata's advice is totally spot on.
Unfortunately he was my first everything. So a hopeless romantic with hopes of him changing. But its best if I leave.
If he already cheated 2x you'd be a fool if you let it happen a third, fourth, or even a fifth time imo....
To quote Ross, "we were on a break". Seems like you both have a hard time letting go - you to your ex, him to HIS ex. Bottom, BOTH of you are too emotional/not mature enough to be in this relationship. He is using you to get back at his "cant let go, babe" and you dont trust him. Period. Also, u said u kept sending him messages and quotes when you had broken up. WHY?? If u dumped him because he emotionally cheated, maybe cut a strict line. Your boundaries dont mean shit if you yourself arent the one respecting them.
I can see how you might be unwilling to let go of all that emotional investment, then. But it is the only advisable course of action from my view (and might be from yours, too, but it'd be better to arrive at that from introspection rather than internet opinion). There's plenty of fish in the sea but from what you've described, this one didn't fall for you hook, line and sinker (rather, he seems he would be happy with any bait), so cut the line.
He’s playing with you in between the palms of his hands like a mouse caught in….a trap……You’ll keep forgiving him anyway..so he thinks he’ll be able to get away with his misconduct…
Yer emotionally dependent on him due to your inexperience and comfort zone, that's why he keeps sleazing back to his exes, including you. You should not be looking trough his phone and camera, and he should not give you suspicion to be tempted to do so. Get out of your comfort zone, block him and ignore him IRL, be cold for your own good.
Seems like you're stuck in a sunk-cost fallacy. Stop thinking about the past and start thinking about the future. Will you be happier in this relationship or out of this relationship? Considering his proclivity to lying and cheating, I think it's clear to see that staying with someone like him is just going to be more and more drama and pain. Give it up and go live your life.
I agree with the above observation. @Jiang Chen forever , based from your story, what an unrefined guy. A lost child who doesn't understand his place. Picture your future with him, if you are not happy, as a man myself who has cousins and nieces I adore, please maintain your dignity and go.
Comrade, if I were you, I would've walked away without any regret the first time I saw his messages on that girl best friend. You see, I don't like others making me feel insecure, jealous and worthless, especially in a romantic relationship. I don't know if this is pride or love for myself talking but I will not hesitate to walk away from a relationship where respect and love are not present at all. That is why, before entering a relationship, it is very important that you love and respect yourself already more than anyone else so that you can recognize what love is from what it's not and so that you can freely walk away when love and respect aren't being served. Who cares about all the beautiful memories you've created with him in the past when you're miserable with him in the present? Just celebrate the valentines single and gorgeous!