Novel ✪ Memory Corruption (R-18) (Book 1 and 2 Finished) (Book 3 on release now)

Awesome
Can’t wait to read the chapter!

 

Spoiler: Chapter 21 from Book 2 (part II) from Ryan's POV - maybe to be released Chapter

*Chapter ?* Where the road crashed into the ocean > No, it isn't (+44)


To his surprise, Belle didn't follow him right away, so he changed clothes as fast as he could, brushed his teeth in a rush and tucked himself under the sheets. He could simply pretend he was already asleep. This way she wouldn't be able to go on with her inquiry, but unfortunately he still needed to check if Vincenzo had found something about Aaron, Noah’s brother, other than his name and if there were instructions about the boy's protection yet. To his surprise, there were dozens of messages, but none of them were from Vincenzo or Domenico. No, Lucas, Jake, Peter and even Riviera, they were excited with the news on the case.

Ryan was almost done reading all of Lucas’ messages when Belle tiptoed into the room. He ignored her, not only because he didn't want to encourage her to talk, but because he was really entranced with the content.

It was finally over. They had him. Daniel would at last be arrested and there was no room for doubt. His messages to the Japanese organization had all been read, and it didn't take more than five minutes for him to have confirmation that the house would be surrounded right away. Riviera had sent him a single message:

SR 22:13 Congratulations, Agent Desmond. This night marks a milestone on this investigation and in our careers. I'm positive that the POTUS won't thinktwice before recognizing your efforts and contributions on securing America’s safety.
You know how much I always valued your resourcefulness and tenacity in getting results, and that I'm very thankful for all the sacrifices and risks that you've taken for me and for this team.
That being said, I'd like to make a plea and give you this advice, not only as your boss, but also as your friend and mentor:
For once, think about what you haveaccomplished and what could be in line in case some of the thin threads that are holding this heavy case up were to be burst by reckless and vengeful behaviors.
There's time to push forward and there's time to step back.
I really think Miss Ross would benefit the most from having this arrest being conducted in the cleanest and clearest way possible.
In other words, I'm hereby explicitly and formally forbidding you from taking any part in the procedures related to the event that is to come.
I hope I was clear enough and that we won't have to discuss this any further.

Best regards,
Chief Sandra B. Riviera

She didn't have to say it. Ryan had indeed considered intervening, to have Daniel arrested right away, but he knew Andrews was still lurking around, waiting for him to take the wrong step so she could catch him. If he were caught tampering with the legitimate process, it could be nullified, and then Daniel would end up free as a bird.

-Ryan… -Belle murmured, and he felt her weight as she sat on the bed beside him. -We need to talk.

Ryan kept his eyes on his phone, although he could see her with his peripheral vision. Was she wearing a white babydoll dress? Where did that shit come from? Even though he couldn't really see it all, it looked sexy!

-Really? Are you gonna ignore me now? -He could guess she was crossing her arms over her chest and had to concentrate on keeping his eyes on the screen, since he could bet her breasts were looking fantastic squeezing over the lace hem.

-Are you gonna ask me about my talk with the kid? -He murmured and spotted the motion of her head nodding slightly. -Then yes.

-I want to know and I won't let you sleep till you tell me, so why don't you just tell me? -Is that a threat, Belle? You come to my bed wearing that, and you are expecting me to complain about not getting any sleep? How naive can you be?

There was a long silence as he scrolled down and read the other team members’ messages. Jacob’s brief texts were some kind of timeline of evidence of his gradual advance toward a completely drunken state. Ryan ignored the voice messages, but by the degrading state his last text message illustrated, he could guess it would be just a noisy collection of bad words and laughter. The sobriety was proudly brought back by Peter’s messages, which summed up the stages of the process.

They had done everything fast and flawlessly. The report, the file, the petitions, everything had been perfectly made. He was proud of his team and, for the first time in years, was feeling truly happy and relieved. Still, he wouldn't take it for granted. Until he saw Daniel getting the verdict and walking down the death row, he wouldn't rest his head.

Ryan spotted her fingers as she reached to take his phone away and, without any efforts, held her wrist.

-Let go of me! -She pulled hard, but he was holding it firmly. It wasn't just to keep her from interrupting him, he wanted to teach her a lesson. It was time she learned one thing: he would never hurt her, but someone else could. She needed to learn to stop picking fights she would never be able to win.

-Nope. -Go on, bring that other hand here, do it. She struggled a bit more, and, as expected, tried to open his hand, giving him the opportunity to lock the fingers of her other hand too. So fucking stubborn and inconsequential, Isabelle... -Stubborn as a mule...

And now you're either gonna try to hit me with your head or bite me. Predictable and stupid. Ryan sighed, and seconds later felt the heat of her breath on his forearm. All he had to do was to lift his arm above his head and she was as vulnerable as possible. There was nothing she could do. If she tried to get up, a jerk of his arm would make her either land on her buttocks or fall face first in his chest. If she tried to kick, he could spin her around and she'd be forced to sit over his lap.

-That's… -She whined. At least she knew it was over. That was a good sign. Learning when to give up was a good start towards learning not to even start.

-Unfair? -He scoffed. -Get used to it, life is unfair, especially if you're not smart enough to pick the right fights to engage in.

Belle didn't complain anymore. She was too proud to ask him to let go of her or to apologize for attacking him in the first place. The position didn't bother him, at least not yet. He was feeling her hands getting cold, and this made him pity her a bit. Her arms and fingers were probably tingling and burning already, since she was very sedentary. His intention was not to cause her pain. Not physical pain. Maybe a bit of a wound in her pride…

He scrolled through the text he was reading, and sent a few messages congratulating the guys and explaining that he wouldn't take part in the rest of the process, but that he expected them to take good care of the procedures on his behalf. He didn't answer Riviera's message, and Vincenzo hadn't even read his.

Ryan really didn't want to punish her anymore. On contrary, he wanted to reward her, and himself, as consequence, with the best sex she would ever have. With that in mind, he put the phone over the bedside table and yanked her to his lap, bringing his free hand to her nape, and her arms around his neck.

She pretended to lose her balance and clumsily straddled him while burying her face in his chest. He helped her by pulling her up by her thighs, then took her face between his hands.

-You're lucky that I've just read one of the best news I've had in years on that briefing and that you're the one responsible for it. -He wanted to kiss her mouth fiercely, but settled for a small peck in the tip of her nose instead. -Or else I would kick you out of this room.

That wasn't true. He looked down and took the babydoll dress in. It was silky but not sexy at all. It looked a lot more like a child's nightgown than a sexy nightwear. Even so, he was in such a great mood that not even Andrews’ dogshit could ruin it.

Besides, no matter how much he tried, he was unable to see Belle as that little girl anymore. He knew that Andrews’ intention was to take him back to ten years before every time he saw her dressing that shit, but it hadn't worked at all. Either sexy Belle or cute Belle, they both had an effect on him, and it was far from being anything associated with her tender age. Although it still bothered him that they had such a huge gap in age, she didn't act or think like a teenager. He knew well, after all, he had Agatha to compare, and there was a stark difference between their behaviors.

Still, she looked cute wearing it, and that wasn't exactly a turn on. He sighed and hugged her to his chest, pulling her head to his shoulder and caressing her cheek and back. It was for the best. She had made it clear that she didn't want him to treat sex with her as something trivial.

As expected, she inquired him about what had happened to get him so excited, and he decided to be completely honest with her. She had the right to know, and he wanted to make her feel safe as soon as possible. What he hadn't thought about, though, was that she would feel hurt about him and Lucas invading her privacy. It was clear in her face that she felt abused and humiliated.

-I'm sorry. -He whispered, putting her hair behind her ears with the tip of his fingers. -Don't feel ashamed, we're not doing that to invade your privacy.

She nodded, but he could see that she was still very upset.

-Ryan, please tell me what you said to Noah… -Ryan couldn't believe she could be thinking about that guy after hearing those news. It was outraging and unacceptable. -I can't pretend it's ok for me to not know about it.

Her red cheeks made everything even more messed up. Was it possible that she had developed some kind of romantic feeling toward the boy? He couldn't accept that idea. Aside from having nice green eyes and a reasonable age to date her, he could say without a doubt that he himself was a better catch for her, and that didn't by far mean it was a good thing.

-I just told him to stay away from you and keep his brother away. -He sighed. -Happy now?

-No, I wanna know if you threatened him. And why don't you want me to be around him?- Why did she want to be around that piece of shit? That seemed to be a much more reasonable question.

Ok, do you want to know what happened? Take it, then.

-I did. I told him I'll kill them both. I told him I'll kill his whole family if I have to. -He just wanted to put an end to this conversation.

Belle gasped and tried to back away from him, fitting in him like a glove. The feeling of her legs pressing him and her hips responding to their contact produced shock waves of pleasure through his body, and a gasp slipped through his lips. You're provoking me, Belle…

-You… Why? Why would you do it? -She whined. It sounded a lot like a suppressed moan, but Ryan pretended not to notice, to avoid embarrassing her.

-He had already seen my gun, he was suspicious of me. I don't think you noticed it, but he kept looking for it in my waist since the first time we met him. He knew I was either a cop or a thug. -Let's forget about that guy and focus on here and now, Belle, look what you did to me… He gave her his best come-hither look. -Well, if I'm gonna feel exposed, I'd rather be the one who makes the rules.

-Still, you didn't have to threaten him.

Ryan rolled his eyes, begging her to let it go. Suddenly she lifted her weight, using her knees, as if she was gonna get off his lap. For a second Ryan felt disappointed, that Mr. Goofy had managed to create a new obstacle between them.

But just as he was about to complain about her lack of empathy toward himself, she sat on him again, hard. Damn, you're so fucking hot! Her cheeks burned red as soon as she saw his naughty grin and he couldn't stop himself from laughing. She hid her face in his neck, and he felt really bad for embarrassing her. It was good that she was building enough self-confidence to explore her sexiness, and if he made her feel mocked about it, it could inhibit her in the future.

-Could you just, please, let it go? -He sighed, caressing her nape and kissing her temple. -I did what my guts told me to, Belle.

-Did your guts really tell you to make a death threat against someone that literally was nothing but kind to me? -Belle lifted her head to face him and creased her eyebrows.

Really? Kind? You think he was being kind? He's fucking obsessed with you, you dork! She huffed and hid her face in his neck again, which made him wonder if she knew that the boy was far from having noble intentions toward her.

-You should stay away from him. And you will stay away from his brother even if I have to lock you up here. -He whispered in her ear and smiled as he watched the goosebumps form on her nape and arms. His fingers produced patterns in her skin, soft but steadily. -I'm just trying to keep you safe. Do you understand it? Are you still upset?

He was sure he had made it. Now they would kiss and he would take off her clothes and… But then she nodded and lifted her head again to look into his eyes. She didn't seem upset anymore, but her nod was saying the contrary. Either she was really mad at him, or it was just a game. He didn't like games, but if she forced him to play, he would play for keeps.

-Really? -He smirked, locking his arms around her waist. -What can I do to make it up to you?

Her shy smile said it all, but, just to confirm, she closed her eyes and leaned forward. This was more than enough validation, so Ryan jumped for it. Her warm lips felt like drinking fresh water after a whole day wandering in a desert.

Her soft skin and perfect curves were the oasis, relieving him from all the tension, tiredness and anxiety of that day, as he ran his hands through her whole body, again and again, feeling her hips rocking in response. Her soft moans and sighs let him know when he hit the right spots and he would reward her with sighs or moans of his own.

But then something felt off. Her lips were a bit limp and she let out a different sigh, that emanated frustration. Ryan opened his eyes and frowned when he realized she had her eyes slightly opened. He immediately backed away, parting their lips.

-Are you ok? -He asked, caressing her jaw with his thumb and the back of his fingers.

She nodded and pulled him to another kiss, but it felt odd again. Her body was tense, her muscles were stiff and her tongue felt different, as if she were being forced to kiss him. It felt bad, felt wrong.

-Belle, what's wrong? -He murmured in her mouth, pushing her back slightly by her shoulders. -Is there something bothering you?

-Who are you, Desmond? -The sadness in her voice hit him like a punch in his stomach, but nothing could have prepared him for what was to come. -Should I fear you?

He was out of words. Was it possible that Noah's plan had worked? Was it possible that his question had planted a seed inside her mind and had grown this fast, to the point that now she was afraid of him?

-What the hell? -He refused to believe it. -What does that even mean?

-Why would you threaten to kill someone to “protect” me? -She air quoted. -More than that, you said it yourself that his father is into something shady… Would it be wise to go and threaten his two sons?

It hadn't been Noah's words. It had been his own words. Great. Ryan sighed and tried his best to explain something that was almost like an instinct to him.

-You don't know how it works, I had to stand my ground. I had to show him I'm ahead of him and that I have the upper hand. You don't know shit about how to deal with this kind of people, the fact alone that he even knew that he had to look for a fucking gun in me, that should be enough for you to not trust this asshole. -It was hurtful to know that she was now seeing him as the bad guy, when all he did was to protect her.

-You looked for guns in everyone that approached us when we went out the other day… -She pointed out.

-My damn point exactly! -He grew even more irritated. -I checked for it because I had the intention of doing something about it if they had, I would look into them to know what kind of shit they were into and I would deal with them if I had to. He had that intention too, now I doubt he still does.

-Did you mean it? -She looked down, shaking her head slightly.

-Yes. -He felt no remorse in admitting it.

-You mean you’re really gonna kill him? If he does something against me? -Her voice was thin and shaky.

The terrified look in her eyes made his body grow numb. He couldn't understand how things had escalated this much, but now he was the monster. Now she feared him, apparently even more than she feared Daniel. He stared at her and she shivered, then looked down with a painful grimace.

-Yes. If I have to. And his cunt of a brother too, if he ever comes after you. -Ryan lifted her chin with his index finger, forcing her to look into his eyes.

He needed her to see the sincerity in his words, he needed her to understand that it didn't give him any pleasure to say them, it was what he needed to do, not something he felt good for having to do.

-But… You'd go to jail! -She whined and he felt the laughter come out before he could even understand why. So her concerns weren't about living with a murderer or about the death of her Goofy puppy, she was concerned about his well being. It was ridiculous, at best. -Why are you laughing? Even if we ignore the fact that we’re talking about the lives of two people… You'd be in great trouble, and even if they didn't arrest you, I'd be alone while they prosecuted you!

I wouldn't get any punishment for that, my silly little Angel. He sighed. Stop worrying about me, I can't be saved.

-I'm not stupid, no one would ever know it was me. -He shook his head.

-How is it even possible? How would you do it? -Of course she looked uneasy and confused. She'd have to have a sick mind to be carefree about it.

He shouldn't say a thing. It was the right thing to do. At this point, he should have changed the subject, but no, his stupid pride came forward and he said it without thinking.

-Overdose for his brother, probably. And for him, people like him commit suicide all the… -Her eyes opened wide and he immediately realized what he had just done. The moisture accumulated in her eyes in a way that defied all the laws of physics. -Fuck, I'm sorry.

Belle just looked away and clumsily got off his lap. No, I can't believe I did that… Why the hell did I say that? He felt like his world was falling apart as he watched her curling up, with her back to him. I'm so, so sorry, baby… His own chest hurt badly, bud he wished he could take her pain on top of it.

-Belle… I'm really sorry. -He pulled her by her shoulder, trying to turn her to face him, but she harshly shoved his hand away. -Please...

Please, don't cry. Please… He watched as her shoulders jerked up and down with her sobs, her arms wrapping around herself, probably trying to soothe the pain of her memories. After a while, he gave up and turned off the lamp, which didn't really make a difference, since he could see her in his mind.

Ryan reached out to stroke her hair, but she slapped his hand again and groaned out loud, so he backed away. After a while, he laid beside her, staring at the ceiling.

-Have you done that before? -Her whisper was thin and broken. -Suicide someone?

He pressed his lips. I should have never said those words. He had never done that himself, but it didn't mean he hadn't been responsible for all the times he had sent someone to do it. She sniffed hard and he closed his eyes before answering.

-Sometimes you can't get them to be condemned, Belle. -He knew there were no excuses, but he needed her to understand that it had never been done on a whim. -Sometimes waiting for evidence costs much more lives than one.

-Like with Daniel? -It confused him that she would ask it now, but it was a good opportunity to let her know that he had no intention of killing Daniel. He was seeking justice, not vengeance.

-No, he has already got too much attention to himself. -He pointed out, just to show that there would be no logic in doing it. -And I have a motive. I don't do this shit for my own benefit, I do it for the sake of others.

-How many people have you killed, Desmond?

No, I'm not answering that, Isabelle. Nothing in this world would make him answer that question to her. Ever.

-Do you even know how many? -She asked after some minutes, her voice crackling and wet.

It was curious that she would ask that question exactly while Ryan was reliving each death and absentmindedly counting them.

-I do. I remember the face of each one of them. I don't enjoy it, I swear I don't feel anything good about it. -He meant it.

Either pulling the trigger, stomping over someone's head or sending a hitman to do the job, he hated it all. It kind of made him hate himself each time more.

Belle kept crying in silence. He couldn't take this anymore, it wasn't fair that she would cry herself dry because of him, once again. He reached out again to stroke her hair. This time she didn't move to push him away, which was a good sign, but her back stiffened and her shoulders cringed.

-Do you regret it? -She sniffed.

-Only a few of them. -He tried to keep his face impassive, to keep his voice from shaking when his mind took him back to an unbearably hot morning in Afghanistan. -I regret the ones I had no intention to, that I didn't directly… And one that I took long, that I really didn't want to, but pulled the trigger anyway... Sometimes I wish I didn't.

He shouldn't have done it. It hadn't been worth it, not at all.

-Why is that? Why do you regret that one?

-You don't want to know. -He sighed.

-I know I don't want to, but I need to. -She finally turned to face him, sitting up. Her hair was a mess, her face was swollen, as did her eyes. One of her cheeks was red and damp, but the other was as pale as the moon. It hurt him immensely to see her like that, even more because he had been the cause of her suffering. -Tell me, please. If you have any respect for me at all, tell me.

Her words were practically the same as Richard's on their last fully honest talk. If you trust me, if you respect me as your brother, you're gonna tell me all the truth, right here and now. If you lie again, if you try to trick me, then we're really strangers. I don't know you anymore, Ryan, you just keep getting worse, we don't know what to do anymore… If you want to be like that, I agree with you, you truly have no place here. I'm not gonna try to stop you anymore, if you want to screw up your life, that's on you, but don't bring mom and dad, or Magda, down with you. I'm giving up, do as you will, I can't do this anymore.

-No, Belle, please… -He rubbed his face with his palms in exasperation. The disappointment and sadness in Richard's face was something that would haunt him forever. He knew he was about to see it replicated in her.

-Desmond. Answer my question or I won't be able to trust you anymore! -She sobbed and whined. -I need to know, I don't know who you are anymore, please, I need this! I need to know who I'm living with!


There it was. Now she had said it all, exactly the same. You feel like you don't know me, is that so? Or is it just that now that you do, you wish you didn't? He looked into her eyes, trying not to show, but knowing that she could see the pain, vulnerability, despair, anger, frustration, sadness, all mixed and combined in his face.

She had the right to know. She had the right to hate him and despise him, if she felt like that. He had no right to hide it from her. He lifted his chin, although he felt no pride about what he was about to reveal.

-Because he was six years old or so. - Also, I had just killed his mother, right in front of him. As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Ryan used his forearm to cover his eyes. He didn't want to see her reaction. He didn't need another eternal illustration of how much he resembled his father.

He heard it when Belle jumped from the bed and rushed to the bathroom. She didn't throw up, but he guessed she was feeling like she needed to.

He covered his face with the pillow to muffle the noise of his own sobs as he tried to recompose himself. Hearing her falling apart inside the toilet didn't help a bit, but he managed to stop crying within a couple of minutes, and threw the pillow aside to wipe his face with the sheet, then took a deep breath.

He waited, listening to the sound of running water over her sobs and sniffs. When the door opened, she didn't lay beside him, just strode straight out of the room.

Ryan immediately sat up, ready to run after her in case she went downstairs, but she didn't. When she slammed the door of her bedroom shut, he sighed with relief. He laid there but wasn't able to fall asleep.

After a while, he decided to go downstairs and sleep on the couch. He was afraid she could decide to run away from him in the middle of the night. If she did that, Daniel wouldn't be the only danger she'd be exposed to.

He tossed and turned all night, but aside from brief naps, sleep was out of reach. She would never want to look in his face again. He had probably lost her, forever, but this time he wouldn't wait until it was too late to apologize. Still, he doubted she would want to be around, even if she managed to forgive him.

When he thought about it, there was only one logical solution. All they had to do was to ask her to be removed. Maybe he could try to reconnect with her when it was all over, when they were back in New York… Maybe it wouldn't mean so much to her if she wasn't forced to live in fear beside him and being reminded of it every single fucking day.

It would be hell to go back to being alone with himself after having her brightening everything up, but he had to think of what was best for her. Now, more than ever, he was sure that it certainly wasn't him.

 

Thank you dear author @GiBro for sharing this beautiful yet heartbreaking chapter
Ryan’s POV can be so powerful, and in this passage we can see his vulnerability and all the pain and self-loathing that he carries with him. I was especially intrigued when he recalled his conversation with Richard. We know that Louise’s death started that downward spiral for Ryan, but what other events happened that set him on this path and the eventual break from Richard?

 

Thank you for your words.

I would say Ryan was broken long before Louise (he made it clear when he said to Magda that he belonged in hell). It's just that he had deposited his faith on her, expecting that she couldn't hurt him since she wouldn't have any direct contact with his family(both sides), and she did manage to hurt him.

I have those events clear on my mind but unfortunately didn't even start to write them down, sorry =\

 

I would love to occupy some space in Ryan’s head. I think that as we get more of his POV, we understand him better and want to hug him instead of slapping him

 

Cannot wait for ryan n belle reunite

 

This week we'll still have Ryan's POV (and maybe next too, cause I think im gonna take a break for festivities =. I expect to start the year back with Belle.

 

Next chapter has LOTS of new information about what happened then, but idk if I'm gonna add it to Ryan's POV book yet.

 

Awesome, can’t wait to read more

 

Dear author @GiBro, I hope that you are doing well
Will there be a post this week? Waiting with great anticipation

 

Dear readers, Goodnight
I thought I had posted it yesterday, but for some reason it's not here
I'm gonna post it as soon as I get home, I'm sorry, I'm gonna travel tomorrow and today was a very busy day, I only stopped now to check the comments

 

Spoiler: Chapter 22 from Book 2 (part I) from Ryan's POV - maybe to be released Chapter

*Chapter ?* Holding onto her > The greatest fall of all time (Matchbook Romance)

Since he couldn't sleep, Ryan got up early and made breakfast for two. The smell was divine, and he hoped it would help to soothe her mood, even if just a bit.

He could bet she too hadn't been able to sleep. Maybe eating some warm bread with avocado, eggs Benedict and Canadian-style bacon would make her feel at least a bit comfortable and she would manage to take a nap.

When he opened her door, carrying the tray in one arm, he immediately heard her loud breathing. She was deep asleep. Her arm was hanging from the side of her bed, and the sheet was all tangled around one of her legs. He could bet she had had lots of nightmares.

He thought about it and decided not to wake her up. Sleep could help heal most of the wounds, and he had opened a huge one right in her heart. Since he didn't want to risk leaving her alone, he didn't go to his study or the gym. Instead, he ate his breakfast alone and sat on the couch, then looked for a classic he could read for free in his cell phone just to pass the time.

Pride and Prejudice highlighted among the others and he rolled his eyes before scrolling down to reread it, this time with a brand new reason to despise Darcy. It had never made sense to him the way Elizabeth had simply decided to forgive all the shit she had been put through by him, and it was a fact that he, much as Ryan, didn't deserve to be forgiven.

Ryan was grumbling to himself about how naive Elizabeth had been to trust Wickham, tracing a parallel with Belle when it came to Daniel. A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts and he didn't have to check to know it had to be Noah standing there at this time of the day. Maybe Daniel wasn't Wickham, maybe Mr. Goofy was.

Noah knocked again, then waited a bit and knocked a third time. Ryan sighed and got up, waiting a bit to open the door just to give himself the pleasure of seeing the stupid look on the boy's face as he paused with his fist in the air, ready to knock again.

-Morning, good morning… I mean, hi, hello, Mr. Herrera… -Mr. Goofy stumbled in his own words, his face burning red and goosebumps forming in his forearms. Ryan watched with an impassive face, so he went on. -Hm… I'm sorry for… I mean, I smelled bacon, I mean, I was just passing by… I was taking a walk, to calm myself, and then I smelled bacon here, and I thought: well, it's still too early, so I waited a bit and…

Ryan did his best not to laugh and shut the door on his face. That guy was indeed like a dog!

-Don't you have any food in your house? -He raised an eyebrow, still trying to keep a straight face.

-Oh no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I mean, I already ate, I had pancakes and… You don't really want to know, do you? -His fake smile vanished when Ryan frowned and leaned on the doorway. -I'm not here for food, that's what I was trying to say, I…

-She's still asleep. Come back tomorrow, we had a late night and she spent a lot of energy, so she'll take time to recharge, if you know what I mean. -He knew the boy would get it completely backwards, but it was no lie. -I don't think she'll want to see your face today, anyway, so… Farewell.

-No, wait, please. -The boy moved to put his arm in front of the door but immediately recoiled when he realized Ryan wouldn't stop pushing and would crush it. -I'm not here for her, I came to talk with you.

Ryan paused an inch before closing the door, then opened it just enough to glare at the boy.

-Protection? Or is your brother planning to mess up with my girl? -He narrowed his eyes.

-Protection. He's my half-brother, by the way. -His green eyes sparkled with anger, but he gulped and made an effort to fake another smile. -I don't know if I mentioned it, but I never even met his mother. I mean, I did, once, when I was a kid, but I don't even remember what she looked like.

-I'll have four guys watching you 24/7. You'll probably notice a car following you when you leave the condo, especially at night, when it's harder to keep track with long distance. If you spot them, don't panic. If you feel you're in danger raise both your arms above your head and they will intervene as soon as they identify the threat. If you're on the road, blink your flashlights thrice. -Ryan explained in a monotonous tone. -Don't come around after me ever again, unless it's really important. Otherwise, you have my number, use it. To clarify, by important I mean Belle, or your father. I don't give a fuck for your problems, ok? I pay the check and they protect you as best as they can, period. Goodbye.

-Wait! -Noah pushed the door, stopping it before it moved and Ryan frowned, this time letting his anger show. -I'm sorry, I just… You said she wouldn't want to see me… Why?

-Isn't that obvious? -Ryan rolled his eyes. -Think about it, what have you done yesterday to make her realize you're nothing but an asshole?

Noah pressed his lips and looked down, then grimaced and peered at Ryan's eyes.

-She told you… I mean, about my question… -The boy sighed, his creased eyebrows making him look like a dog who was being yelled at for shitting on the carpet.

-What do you think? -Ryan crossed his arms, leaning on the doorway once again. The boy wouldn't be stupid enough to bring the subject again, so he was confident that Belle would never know that he was leading him into believing she would confide every single thing they chatted about with him. -Not that I owe you any explanation, but Belle isn't my personal whore, like Angel is to your father. She's not a distraction, she's my protégé. I don't force her to be with me, she chose me. She chose to be with me.

And she'll probably choose to get away from me now, but you don't need to know about it. Ryan tried to ignore his dark thoughts.

-I've warned you before, if you, your brother, your father, or any other motherfucker as much as make her shed a tear, I'm gonna rip you inside out. -It was an exaggerated remark, and he would never say it in front of Anthony, since the gangster would probably take it as a challenge, but it should work fine to keep that boy away. -Why would I bother, if I'd be the one to hurt her anyway?

-Ok, I… I'm sorry for assuming… It's just. I mean, I really thought… I'm sorry. -Noah shook his head, staring at his feet and looking like he wanted to dig a hole and disappear inside it. -Look, it's just… Why the sleeves, then?

-What? -Ryan frowned. What did it have to do with her sleeves? Then it dawned on him. -Oh, you thought she was hiding bruises under the sleeves?

-Or scars… My father, sometimes he… You know, cigarettes, whips, ropes… I mean, usually they cover it up with makeup, but Belle doesn't wear it, so… I thought that maybe you concentrated them where she could hide them…

-I don't hurt her. Never did. -Not physically, at least. He was getting annoyed. Why was he explaining himself to that piece of shit? -She used to wear long sleeves way before we met. Before we got together, at least.

-Ok… But why? -When the boy tilted his head and blinked, he looked exactly like a golden retriever.

Ryan thought about it. People would wonder. This place was as hot as the bottom of hell, and it wasn't even summer yet. He had to come up with an excuse that would make people feel guilty about making fun of her but at the same time feel too uncomfortable to try to comfort her.

-She has a disease. -He said simply, but Noah's wide open eyes let him know it had been a bad choice. -It's nothing so serious and it's not contagious. She just… She was born with a spot on her forearm that is very thin, the skin on her forearm. It's sensible, she can't afford to expose it to UV, that's all. It's just to avoid cancer.

-Oh, I never heard of it. I mean, I'm not a doctor yet… I just read a lot… What's the name of the disease? -Ryan cursed himself as he realized that the boy wasn't doubting him, but was genuinely curious or interested in her condition. -I… I just wonder if I could help, that's all.

-I don't remember the name, we don't talk about it often, and I doubt that she'd be ok with me telling you any details about it. -Ryan tried to discourage him from asking any other questions. -She's under treatment right now, that's actually why we came to live here. She'll start her therapy soon, and if it doesn't work, we'll probably resort to surgery. Don't bother her about it.

Noah nodded, but there was a crease between his eyebrows. There was a chance that he had realized that Ryan was lying, or maybe there was some medical inconsistency in the story.

-Why didn't she just… I mean, wouldn't surgery quickly solve it, then?

-She'd get scarred. -Ryan pressed his lips. If anything, he was now providing her a good excuse for her scars. -Any other personal question about her you'd like to ask me? Do you want to know about her medical history? Maybe how much water she drinks per day? Her diet? Our sex routine? I won't share details about it with you, like her favorite positions or our usual foreplays…

He watched as the boy's face turned crimson and his eyes looked like they would fall from its sockets.

-No, I'm sorry for intruding… Thank you, so much. I mean, for the protection… -He gave him a honest smile for the first time during their talk. -I hope she's well, I'm sorry for assuming you'd… I mean, now I can see it clearly, how much she means to you, how much you love her… And how much she loves you too. It's really…

-Bye, Felicia. -Ryan managed not to roll his eyes as he shut the door.

He had just reached the best part of the book, Darcy’s first proposal and Lizzy’s disciplinary turn down, when Lucas’ name popped up on the top of the screen. The message lasted less than a fraction of a second before several others covered it, but his heart felt like it could escape through his mouth.

Daniel was on the loose. He had escaped before the police had arrived with the warrant. This was simply impossible.

Ryan tried to call Riviera, with no success. A minute later she sent him a text, explaining that they were investigating everyone who knew about Lucas’ finding, including himself, to try to find the mole. He begged her to let him help and she answered that she was working her ass off to have the whole team’s access brought back up, but that right now it had become a Federal issue and that she believed they'd spend the rest of the day in the dark.

Lucas was a mess. Ryan answered the phone only because he was fearing for his mental health, since his messages had cascaded down through a depressive path. They talked for a couple of hours, and Ryan listened to the man's tragic point of view. He had accomplished the most incredible feat of his career only to have someone destroy it right away, and now his name was known, and he'd be a target.

Ryan tried to assure him that it wasn't this bad, pointing out that now Daniel was officially a terrorist, and had a Federal order against him. He could become one of the most wanted criminals in the world, just because of Lucas’ findings. And about having his name on the devil's mouth, he tried to remind him that he knew the risks when he signed in, and if there was a mole in NYPD or JTTF, his name had been on the line for a long time already.

Lucas kept sniffing and mumbling, but at some point realized that Ryan wasn't as upset as he should. He insisted and pissed him until Ryan finally admitted that he was worried about Belle.

-What now, did she tell you that you guys won't make love anymore until you make the proposal? -His mockery was interrupted by his big fat orange cat meowing and putting his ass in front of the camera. Lucas pushed the cat aside, then hissed at it when it tried to bite his hand. -Haven't you ever heard Queen Beyoncé’s words of wisdom? If you like it then you shoulda…

-Shut up, dude, she’s beyond terrified of me. -Ryan cut him with a frown. -She's probably wondering if I would hurt her. She won't want to be around me for a long time, and I doubt we'll ever be back to that level of intimacy. We're done.

-I don't believe it, man. She loves you. -Ryan grimaced and looked away, but Lucas nodded vigorously. -She does, she'll forgive you, she's the one, and you're gonna have to mess up for real for her to want to leave you… And I already told you that I think you love her too but are a heartless clod who can't admit it.

-Screw you. -Ryan rolled his eyes.

-Nope, I'm still waiting for Belle to introduce me to her beautiful best friend so we can have double dates. -Lucas laughed. -Nah, thanks for bringing me back up, I was going under really bad… I'm still so afraid… Are you sure they won't come and get me?

-No. But I'll have someone checking on you and watching, just for safety. -Ryan shrugged. He looked up at the stairs and sighed. -I told her a lot of things I regret. She'll hate me forever.

-She's not hating you. There's nothing you could do to make her hate you, stop being such a wimp… -Lucas rolled his eyes.

-You don't get to call me a wimp, you limp dick. I told her about the boy I shot in Afghanistan, ok? She almost threw up. -He was so pissed he forgot to keep his voice low. -I told her other things too, but I guess that one was the final straw. She's now having nightmares about me.

-Damn, that story is nuts. Why would you even talk about it? Just let it go, it wasn't your fault! -He seemed disconcerted and absentmindedly held his cat to his chest. The animal struggled, trying to get away, but he held it firmly and started to pet its head. -Is she still asleep? Is she ok?

-She's probably very tired, I don't think she slept much during the night. -Ryan made a face and sighed. -I should go and check on her again.

-You slept in separate rooms…

-Yeah. -Ryan nodded, pressing his lips. He was lost in thoughts for a moment, then gave a sad smile. -She made a hell of a dinner yesterday, she was so happy…

-I guess you're not recalling the dinner… Memorable sex? -Lucas let the cat jump out of his lap and smirked. Ryan pressed his lips and turned the camera off. -This good?

-That's fucking disrespectful to her, and I'm not taking part in it. I'm hanging up, see ya. -And before Lucas could protest, the call was ended.

His stomach growled loudly and he checked the time. It was almost eleven, but Belle hadn't made a sound. He was worried. After some hesitation, he decided to go check on her. Knocking on the door didn't work, so he cracked it open and peeked in. She was lying on her stomach with her arms under her, embracing herself.

Ryan frowned. She looked like she was feeling cold, shivering and curling up. Was it possible that she was having a fever?

-Belle? Are you awake? -He murmured, but she didn't move. Her breathing was deep but almost inaudible, so he walked closer and kneeled in front of her. She was unconscious.

Ryan carefully brushed her hair away from her eyes and sighed when he spotted the teardrops all over the pillow and accumulated on her chin and neck.

-I'm sorry, Belle… I really am. -He whispered. She shifted the position of her legs, turning sideways toward him, bringing one of her arms near her temple and the other to her chest. For a moment he thought she was waking up but she just sniffed and pouted before breathing deep again. -Don't cry, I didn't mean to make you cry…

Ryan got up and carefully untangled the sheets from her leg, then covered her body all the way up to her neck. He absentmindedly brought his palm to her forehead to check for fever, and was startled when her fingers touched his, giving him pause. Her skin was warm, but not enough to be worrying about. At first he thought her intention had been to push his hand away from her, but when he moved to take it away, her fingers intertwined with his.

-You're so fucking cute… -He smiled and let her hold his hand, keeping his fingers loose, afraid he could wake her up. She creased her eyebrows and mumbled something inaudible, then pouted again. -You're so beautiful… Don't cry.

He sat on the floor and stayed there, with his arm up over her pillow, until she shifted her position again and let go of his hand, giving her back to him. His arm was tingling and he took his phone out to check the time. It was past noon. He was very hungry and thought she should eat something too.

-Belle… -He murmured, unsure if she would be ok about him touching her to wake her up. She didn't move, so he put a hand over her shoulder and shook it very softly. -Isabelle… Hey, wake up, you gotta be hungry…

-Leave me… Don't… Go away… -She mumbled and let out a loud sob that gave him goosebumps. Her voice was slurred, she was still asleep. -Please, don't…

-Do you want me to leave? -He gulped down a lump in his throat, then leaned over her to be able to see her face. -Belle, do you want me to stay away?

-Please… -She mumbled in the same pleading tone and sniffed. A tear rolled down her nose and dropped over the pillow. -Please don't kill me…

Ryan immediately took several steps back, then stared at her, feeling paralyzed. Her legs were having spasms, as if she were trying to run away or kick him.

He should leave her be, at least for now. She didn't have to get up now. The marshals wouldn't come within at least the next two hours. Ryan nodded to himself and went to the kitchen, where he ate her breakfast mixed with the tomatoes and potatoes from the night before and sat in silence, thinking about what she would tell the marshals when they asked about her experience on the program till then.

-It's awful... I'm living with a murderer that takes me to bed now and then... -He sighed to himself while shaking his head. -Oh, and my neighbor is a freak, as does his whole family. Oh, by the way, Desmond threatened to kill his two sons…

They would take her away. Even worse, they would seek a restraining order against him when they got back to New York. If he had any expectations of being around her after this ended, it was all done now.

Ryan waited for another hour, then his cell phone rang, informing that the marshals would be on their way to their house soon. He dragged himself up the stairs, hoping that she would be already up, but knew better than that. She was hiding behind the first door, and was keeping it shut tight.

-Please, wake up… Hey… -He whispered as he sat beside her over the bed.

He reached out and cupped her cheek. She took a deep breath and moved to lean her face on his hand, then finally started to give signs of consciousness. He tried to keep his touch as light as possible, afraid that she'd feel harrassed by it.

After a couple of minutes, she groaned and stretched timidly, then seemed to finally be aware of his touch, bringing her own hand to her face. She intertwined their fingers, then flinched.

-Good morning… -Ryan tried to say in the kindest tone he managed to. -Sorry for waking you up, but it’s past midday, and the deputy will arrive at any moment.

-What? Which one? -She rolled over to stretch, obviously just trying to get away from him. It bothered him that she would start blatantly treating him as if he were a leper.

-Brandon. I'll prepare you a brunch. I ate your breakfast for lunch with the leftovers from yesterday. -He prepared to get up and leave but she shook her head.

-You don't need to do that, I can… -She started to complain, but he stopped her.

-I know I don't need to, I like to take care of you, it makes me feel good. -Besides, he really wanted to do it, as much as he could, before she went away. He would miss her terribly, and taking care of her was only a way of fooling himself, pretending he was easing a bit of the pain he had inflicted her. -I'm sorry for saying those things to you last night, Belle. I just didn't want to lie to you. I regret saying anything at all, from the talk with Noah, to my past... I'm very sorry.

He really wished he could go back in time and just shut up.

-Do you really believe the problem was that you revealed it to me? -She sat up with the most disgusted and outraged look. -You're insane. You're sick!

It hit him hard, not only to see that look on her face, but also to listen to her words. Ryan took a deep breath, knowing that it was just too soon to try to fix things between them.

-Never claimed to be anything else. -He muttered to himself, forcing down any emotion that could be trying to get to the surface. -I told you from the start that I wasn't who you thought I was.

-You didn't tell me you were a… -Her voice died in the middle of the phrase, but came back in a hateful hiss. -You didn't tell me you killed children!

-Child. It was the only one. -He hadn't even had the guts to blow Daniel's skull, and he knew it had been due to that kid. A thought occurred to him and he added, mostly to himself. -If you don't count Samantha's baby, I mean, he wasn't exactly a person yet, but yeah…

-The fact that you think the number can make it seem less disgusting makes it all worse! You should be so ashamed! You should be compensating, you should at least…-She raised her voice, clearly pissed. At least what? Be in jail? Be suffering? At least what, Belle? -I don't know!

Of course you don't. I should be dead, that's what. Ryan glared at her. Suddenly she tugged at her messy hair, letting out a groan, then threw a pillow at him with all her might. He let the pillow hit him square in his chest and neck, then calmly put it back beside her.

To his disappointment, she immediately started to cry again. It took a lot of self control not to wrap his arms around her and comfort her, but he knew it was the last thing she would want now. She hid her face in her hands and let out a long moan of frustration. He watched her in silence until she stopped crying, then put his hands in his pockets and cleared his throat. It hurt to admit it, but it was the best thing he could do now, to show her that she still had an alternative, that she had the option to get away.

-Belle… -She looked so fragile and small, sniffing and rubbing her face in her sleeves. -If you can't stand being near me anymore…

What the fuck am I doing? She glared up at him with murderous anger in her eyes and he couldn't stand to look at her anymore. No, shit, you can't leave while hating me this much… His chest felt like it was burning, as did his throat. If I tell you now, you'll jump for it and leave with only hate and pain as a memory…

-What, then? -He looked up and saw even more anger there, which he had thought would be impossible. He would've never imagined Belle could look so genuinely resentful. He was bringing out the deep worst in her. He was dooming her.

-Nothing. I'll tell you later. -He shook his head slightly, then decided to clarify, just to avoid adding up to her bad feelings. -If I tell you now, you'll probably do something stupid out of reflex, then regret it later, and it's something that can't be undone. Let's talk at night after Brandon leaves, ok?

-I'm very upset with you. And disappointed. And I think you should turn yourself in. I think you're not any better than… -Her voice died and she shook her head, as if trying to take it back.

Ryan was surprised that she was still not capable of saying something to purposely harm him, even with all that hate and spite against him. She was still too kind to shove the truth down his throat.

-Not better than Daniel? I know. And to tell you the truth, I think I’m relieved that you finally realized it too. -He was angry at himself for saying that, mostly because it was the absolute truth. -Maybe it's for the best. That “love” thing was changing us both, for worse. I was selfish not to let you know about it earlier.

That last part didn't make sense for him, but it was how he felt. Had she not declared her love for him, he didn't think it would hurt this much to let her go. In an unbearable way, he wanted her to love him and need him, and this was wrong. Andrews was right. He had been keeping her hostage and slowly letting her do the same to him, it was time to put an end to this madness. He got up and pinched the bridge of his nose, exhaling hard.

-But, if I still have the right to ask something of you, just remember that while he wants you under him to be his slave for life, all I want is to keep you safe so you can live your life to its fullest, as soon as he's gone. -That was absolutely true. He cared for her, even if she hated him, he wanted her to feel safe and happy. -While he expects you to feel pain and keep your head down, I just want you to feel happy and safe and confident. That should count for something, I think. But I could be wrong… As I already told you, I'm better at hurting people.

Ryan left the room, feeling like someone had shot him through the heart. He wanted her gone. No, it wasn't true. He didn't want it, but he knew it would be the right thing, the best thing for her mental health sake, and maybe also for his.

He couldn't imagine himself having this level of emotional breakdown before her. The last time he had gone through anything similar in a matter of mental pressure was when he wasn't even an adult. In fact he could count on his fingers: when he had realized he had killed Louise; when the doctors had announced Agatha had less than 25% chance of finding a donor, even an haplo-identical one, due to Alejandro’s messy self destruction; and, obviously, Richard. More than once, Richard.

The next thing near that had been when Edward had almost died after confronting him about Dr. Cecilia and her reports. But he didn't think it could be classified as a breakdown, just a mix of frustration, guilt and anger. He had recovered from it practically right away, and doubted he would've been able to have that talk with Dr. Cecilia and hold his temper down, which had allowed him to rationalize that it had been all another one of Andrews' misdoings. Unfortunately he didn't have any evidence, so she had gotten away scatheless.

Ryan had a motto in his life that he had borrowed from The Hobbit: third time pays for all. Just that, in his case, he wasn't as optimistic as Bilbo, and didn't see a third time as a charm. He actually had come to the conclusion that if you've been through something twice and haven't yet learned to stop it from ever happening to you again, the third time would be the worst. Belle was showing him that a fourth could cause as much harm, even if it didn't hit as hard.

Just after she ate her brunch, without sparing him even a glance, Brandon showed up. He watched her as she answered all the deputy's questions, with a crease between his eyebrows. Aside from showing a small hint of interest about three of the items the officer had brought for him (the cell phone, The Wise Man's Fear book and the locked suitcase, which he wished she had never laid her eyes over), she had sat in silence through the whole process, looking like a zombie or an autistic.

As soon as the man left, though, her expression changed. She looked like she was mentally and physically exhausted. Ryan sat and watched her, profoundly worried, but not knowing what to do to help her.

-What was it that you were going to tell me? -Her tone was businesslike.

Ryan sighed. So that was what this had all been about. She had been sitting there, waiting for the guy to leave, so she could inquiry him and be done with that. He moved to get near her, but she immediately flinched away, still holding her legs to her knees, as if she feared he would touch her. He paused, feeling like a monster.

-You can ask to be moved. Change location and identity again, but without me. -He said it at once like ripping off a Band Aid.

-What? Why would I do that? -Her voice sounded very loud to his ears, and caught him by surprise. What do you mean by why? What does that mean, Isabelle?

-To get away from me? -He was genuinely surprised by her reaction. There was a bit of hope for them, since she hadn't even considered the possibility of getting away from him, not even temporarily. There was only one way of knowing for sure. -Of course, that would mean we would never meet again. I won't be allowed to go to court anymore, unless I'm summoned as a witness which I highly doubt I will. Still, you wouldn’t have to wait till next month to make the request, it’s usually processed within a month after request, but I can make it take two or three days, especially in a case like ours, you know, with the sexual abuse accusation...

This was a lie. Witnesses could be moved within hours after the request. But he didn't want her to make the decision by impulse.

-Is that your solution? To send me away? -Her face was very red and she looked like she would cry again, only that this time it would be from anger. -What happened to the “keep me safe” bullshit?

What? I'm not saying that's what I want, I'm just giving you space to make a decision! He shook his head and tried to be as honest as he managed to.

-I didn't say I want to, I don't. Let me make it clear: I want you to stay with me, wherever it is. -What the fuck? He clicked his tongue at his choice of words, then rushed to correct it. -Until the case is closed, of course.

She seemed to get a grip on her anger and nodded slightly while taking a deep breath.

-Why would you bring that up, then? -She bit her lip, looking hurt, and it melted his heart.

Why, indeed… Ryan let out a sigh and ruffled his hair. It felt good to know that she didn't want to leave, but, at the same time, it was embarrassing to think that he had spent hours bracing himself for something that apparently was never a possibility.

-Because I want you to be happy. There’s no point in keeping you alive, forcing you to live a miserable life. I don't want to force you to be near me, if that harms you. I want you to be safe, but I can't force you to stay with me.

It was the closest he would get to talking about feelings toward her. He wanted her to be near, but at the same time wanted her to be happy. If both could happen at the same time, that would be perfect. Belle just nodded, then got up.

-I'm gonna go sit by the pool.

Ryan felt uneasy about it. He couldn't stop her from doing it, but didn't feel like it was a good idea. Noah could be there, those teenagers could be there. Besides, he didn't feel at ease with her being near deep water when she didn't even know how to swim.

-Are you sure that's a good idea? You can't swim… -He could tell she was about to flip him off, so he decided not to try to convince her not to go. -Do you want me to come along?

-No. -She said, and shook her head to emphasize. Of course she wouldn't want the leper anywhere near. Well, God knows I've tried.

He headed to his study, deciding he would go check on her from time to time and pray that she'd be ok in-betweens.

As soon as he got in, he unlocked the suitcase and transferred its content to the third drawer. That would be the hardest drawer to break, due to the desk's structure, although he doubted Belle would be able to even consider the possibility of forcing it open.

He texted a bit with Lucas, then read the reports and texts, from the team and from the Japanese mob, all trying to explain what had possibly happened about Daniel’s escape.

There hadn't been any flaw with the watch. The guy had probably already left the house before they had taken position.

Turns out Lucas had sent Ryan the messages only after sending the evidence to Riviera and she had put things on the move right away. With the dinner, Ryan had read it almost two hours after Lucas had tried to contact him, which had given the mole plenty of time to warn Daniel.

Peter was feeling guilty, believing that he could have accidentally been responsible for the leak, since he had told his wife and daughter about the good news and the latter had promptly posted it on her Twitter. As soon as Peter had gotten word of it, he had scolded her and had it deleted, but still felt guilty for the ten minutes or so of exposure.

Ryan didn't believe social media had been what had warned Daniel. In fact he had been suspicious of Corey for a good while, especially when Captain Williams had explained that the redhead cop had insisted to be part of his escort team right away, even though he should be studying and focusing his efforts on getting the promotion he had theoretically been seeking for months.

Now it seemed like it had all been a lie. Corey had approached Ryan seeking advice, asking him to be his mentor, out of nowhere, right after Samantha's death episode. While everyone else but Roy, Simon, Riviera and Jacob had changed their behavior near him, clearly suspecting that the rumors about him intentionally leaving Samantha to die were at least a bit true, Corey had suddenly started to cling to him.

It wouldn't look so suspicious to anyone else, but Ryan didn't trust anyone, let alone someone overly kind. The years passed and he hadn't caught the man red handed not even once, so he had dismissed the possibility of him having bad intentions. He had actually considered the possibility of calling him friend.

But that was before the day he had found out that Corey had some kind of friendship going with Alyssa. They didn't seem like best friends, but he had caught him chatting with her in front of a store right before she had landed a brick through Ryan's window, then again sitting with her in a coffee shop, months later, the week before she had left NYPD and joined the Marshals. On both occasions both of them looked like they didn't really want to be near each other, but that didn't change a thing. Corey was a suspect, and the fact that Roy had a bullet put to his brain, instead of him, had been the last straw to break any trust possible.

-Ok, I'd better go and check on you. -Ryan sighed and headed to the swimming pool. He kept his distance, though, standing where no one could see him, behind a living fence.

She was near the group of teenagers, most likely all a bit older than her, and they were laughing like they were mental. Belle wasn't the type to tell jokes, so he guessed they were laughing at her, not with her. He could come around and rescue her, but guessed she would not want this now. While he stood and waited for her to burst into tears and run back inside the house, though, he saw Noah jogging toward the pool.

The boy was in a rush, probably knowing exactly what kind of things those morons were telling her and expecting to be able to play the hero.

Ryan took a deep breath and thought about it. He could intervene. He should intervene. But then again, wasn't that the exact thing that had pushed her away? Acting like a watchdog, threatening people, making sure they'd fear him. Acting as if he was insane… As if he was sick.

He stood there, watching as Mr. Goofy took care of the situation. As far as Ryan could tell, the boy hadn't threatened or intimidated anyone, using only words to take the smiles off their faces. When Belle turned and started to head toward the house, with Noah following close behind her, there was a crease between her eyebrows and a very discreet pout in her reddened lips. She was sad and bothered. Knowing that being caught spying on her would only make everything worse, Ryan turned and ran inside.

 

Tqqq

 

Dear reader, Merry Christmas!
I hope you're having a great night with your loved ones thank you for your support.

 

Merry Christmas to you too my dear author @GiBro. Hope that you have a restful and peaceful holiday!

 

Spoiler: Chapter 22 from Book 2 (part II) from Ryan's POV - maybe to be released Chapter

*Chapter ?* Time cannot erase > My Immortal (Evanescence)


Belle wouldn't come in, even though Ryan waited for a decent amount of time, maybe ten or twenty minutes.

Lucas was calling him nonstop, probably freaking out about the email they had all received, about the quarantine they would all go through with 24/7 vigilance over their activities, and the urge for them to report any strange behavior they could've witnessed in the last 48 hours. Ryan didn't care about it. Lucas should care even less.

He paced around the living room, then realized he looked awkward doing that, so he tried to spot her by looking out the window, just to check why she was taking this long to come in.

-Where the fuck…? -He muttered, looking around. -Where did that motherfucker take you?

He thought about going after her, but a thought occurred to him and he decided to check the huge window on his study.

There they were. Luckily, she had her back to him, although her head was a bit tilted toward the house, as if she were eager to get inside or, more likely, watching her back, probably afraid of Daniel, or, hopefully not, of himself. She nodded, then tucked her hair behind her ear and looked down, keeping her face half turned toward the house, which allowed him to see most of her face.

For a moment Ryan was thunderstruck by her beauty and how it matched the sumptuous garden. But then he realized she looked very uncomfortable. Her cheeks were slightly red and she was pressing her lips, as if something the boy was telling her didn't make sense or bothered her.

Suddenly, she turned to face Noah and shook her head vigorously, stomping one of her feet with her hands in fists, clearly confronting him about something. Ryan felt the urge to go there and step between them. What could that big oaf be telling her to offend her this much? Was he bringing up the idea that Ryan could harm her again? Or maybe checking if the long sleeve story fit and now she was actually pissed with himself, not with the boy?

He saw her shoulders dropping as the boy tried to explain himself, gesticulating so much it triggered an irritation in Ryan that he had thought only Domenico could. She nodded slightly, looking down again, which made the hair cover up her face completely.

Ryan sighed. He wished he were a fly on the wall, just to know the subject of that talk. Seeing her reaction wasn't helping and he could just hope it wasn't anything about him. She caught him out of guard when she turned her head, but luckily didn't look his way. He took the opportunity to try to read her lips.

Ryan squinted, trying hard to concentrate on the movements of her gorgeous lips, but they were too far, and he was tense with the possibility of being caught spying on her. Then, the word “love” was there, clear as crystal, as if she had whispered it in his ear. He concentrated, trying to remember the movements of her lips again.

Ryan put the curtain back into place and blinked several times, then closed his eyes, seeing her lips moving over and over again.

-...Away, but… But I fell in love with him. -He nodded to himself. So it was about him. They were talking about him. Even worse, she was talking about going away, or staying away?

Ryan closed his eyes, trying to remember what had come before that, but he couldn't see her mouth, since her hair was hiding her face completely.

The point was: she was talking about him, about them, to that boy. She was looking for support, or maybe just needing to vent about him. Either way, it was bad. Firstly because she could be exposing them both to risks, and could even end up letting something about her true identity slip, but there was also the fact that she was looking for support somewhere else, which meant she didn't trust him anymore to be there for her.

He pulled the curtain again to check on her, but she wasn't there anymore. Instead, there was only Mr. Goofy sitting on a stone bench with his face in his hands, shaking his head repeatedly. He observed the scene with genuine curiosity. It looked familiar. Looked a lot like a PTSD flare-up. Noah's body was shaking, with sporadic spasms running up his legs and arms, looking like he was being punched by ghosts, then ran his hands over his hair repeatedly, then rubbed his face over and over again. It was an outburst, there was no doubt.

Ryan scoffed, absentmindedly. So you're this crippled, uh? Now I'll need to check on your background, motherfucker… What kind of shit have you done, and to whom, or who has done what to you?

The sound of the doorknob being forced startled him and he found himself ridiculously jumping to his chair to pretend he had been working, instead of prying on her affairs. The door was locked, obviously, so it didn't open.

She had never tried to get in on her own. There was a shy knock on the door, as if she wasn't sure she wanted him to open up the door.

Ryan thought about the possibilities. None sounded good. She could be coming to confront him about the disease he had made up for her, she could be willing to tell him that she was done with him, that Noah had made her see that he wasn't good for her… Or, most likely, she was coming to announce she had decided to leave.

Noah was there now, having a breakdown, so he guessed she had told him something that had really upset him. The boy had a problem with abandonment, it was obvious to Ryan. Why else would he cling to his brother, who supposedly broke his fingers as vengeance for upsetting him? Why else would he protect his father, whom he clearly felt ashamed of? Ryan knew why: his mother had abandoned him when he was a little kid. Belle had probably told him she would go away, and now the boy was there, reliving some trauma.

She knocked again and Ryan sighed, reluctantly getting up. There was nothing he could do. If she wanted to leave, that was it, she had all the reasons and right to. He took a deep breath and unlocked the door.

She was midway to the living room, with her back to him. Her shoulders were drooping and her head was down. She stood there, unmoving for longer than he felt comfortable.

-Are you ok? -Please, tell me you're not crying… Turn around. He didn't know what would be worse: to see angry disgusted eyes, or to see brimming disappointed ones.

Belle turned her head to peer at his face and he watched her in apprehension, not knowing what to expect. Her hair was producing shadows over her face, making it hard to see her eyes. She turned and paced toward him with her head down until her forehead bumped into his chest.

What are you doing? Talk to me! He instinctively put an arm around her and fondled her back, then brought his other hand to cup her cheek and lift her face. She tried to look away, and he frowned when he saw her eyes filling up with tears, but with no anger or contempt there. She was genuinely sad, looking like she was seeking shelter. Look at me, what's going on?

-What happened? -He whispered. Was it possible that Noah had done something to her? Could his behavior be triggered by regret? His jaw clenched. -Who hurt you?

-You. -She murmured. There was no anger or resentment in her voice. It sounded more like a plea for help, maybe more like a sound of regret and helplessness.

To his surprise, she locked her arms around his neck and pulled down, as Agatha used to do when she was a kid and he would refuse to pick her up.

Damn… He let his arms fall beside his body for a few seconds, but bent down and took her in his arms, holding her. She wrapped her legs around his waist. He didn't feel right with it. It was unfair that she had only him to run to, when he was exactly the one who was inflicting the pain that made her want to run away, in the first place.

-Are you ok? -He whispered near her ear. She shook her head. Of course you're not… I'm sorry. -Is there anything I can do?

She stayed in silence, crying and sniffing, then shook her head again. This is so wrong… I'm sorry, I really am… After a couple of minutes like that, she loosened the grip of her legs and stretched them, trying to touch the floor, but her feet just dangled. Ryan would have chuckled in another situation.

-You're so cute sometimes, did you know that? -He smirked, bending to help her reach the floor. -Please stop crying, I'm absolutely not worth it.

She wiped the tears and looked down, staring at her feet while moving them in small circles.

-Is there something I can do for you? -He was torn between keeping her close as much as he could and needing to be alone to think about any better solution than sending her away. When she looked up to face her, he realized he was also desperate to stop seeing those sad eyes. He took a deep breath and tried to come up with an excuse to be left alone without hurting her even more. -I left Lucas hanging…

-Can I talk with him? -She tilted her head.

Ryan flinched. Great… I don't even have him on the line. How am I gonna explain this lie, right? His eyes darted from his phone over the desk to her glossy eyes.

-I don't know… I don't feel like it's a good idea... -She looked eager. It had to be tough to have no one else to talk to all day, she was probably needing to see a new face, to pretend her world wasn't resumed to the motherfucker who hurt her periodically now. Lucas would pick up the phone. He always did. -Hold on.

He rushed to his desk and quickly called Lucas as discreetly as he could. Luckily, his pal answered at the first ring.

-Desmond? Are you alright? -Lucas’ voice was urgent. It wasn't unusual for Ryan to call him, but they usually texted beforehand, unless it was something very urgent.

-Hey, Banner. -Ryan sighed, staring at her. He couldn't explain anything now, since Belle was standing there hearing it all. He would have to count with Lucas’ common sense. -Chill.

-What about Belle? -Ryan gave up and put it on speaker.

She needed to see a different face, listen to a different voice. Whatever Lucas said couldn't be worse than what he had done the night before. Daniel's escape wouldn't be a subject. Although Ryan hadn't asked him to keep it from her, Lucas himself had told him he hoped she wouldn't find out about it, afraid it could make her suffer in anticipation.

-Is she alright? -His voice sounded loud in the silent room.

-About that… -Ryan sighed again, then ruffled his hair and leaned on the table, supporting his weight with his hand. -Do you think it would be a problem if…

Ryan shut up as he realized he wasn't hearing Lucas’ cat. He could be at the precinct. Corey could be there.

-Is Myers with you? -He tried to keep the anger from his voice.

-No. But I can put him on the call if you need to, I just need him to log out… -Lucas started to mumble.

-No! Is there any possibility of him walking in while we are speaking? -Ryan's eyes darted to Belle's. Corey could use her to get information about their location, or even mess up with her head, telling her about Daniel, to make her feel unsafe. -Or of him having access to this call?

-No, man, chill out, I'm working from home, it's Saturday. -Ryan was glad to know that Lucas had gotten the message that Belle shouldn't be involved in their inside trouble. Working from home was a great euphemism for their current situation. -This call is untraceable, don't worry. What got into you?

-Nothing. -He still didn't know how much he could confide in Lucas. Riviera was a lot closer to him and she had dismissed right away the idea of Corey being the mole. He also didn't want to discuss the subject in front of Belle, especially because it would be impossible not to talk about Roy if Lucas inquired him about his reason to suspect Corey. -Belle wants to see you. She wants to talk with you.

-Oh. -Ryan smirked at Lucas’ juvenile reaction. His excitement and surprise were so obvious it was embarrassing. -I'll need just a minute, sorry!

There was a sound of paper being moved around. Lucas cursed, almost inaudibly. Archie meowned in the background while he fumbled with what Ryan could only guess were his glasses, and had the confirmation right away when he heard it being dropped and breaking. He cursed very low again and let out a muffled groan.

-You don't need to put your makeup on, Banner, she's gonna see you through a seven inch screen, she's not gonna notice your pimples. -Ryan rolled his eyes, trying to lighten the mood. -Anyway, are you absolutely sure they can't have access to this call? If they come after her because of this shit…

-I'm ready. No, relax, there's no way in the world they can track this. -Lucas’ voice was shaky and he was panting. -Where is she?

Ryan motioned for her to sit in the chair, then handed her the phone and pressed a button to turn on the video call. Lucas looked like shit, even worse than he had that morning.

-Hey, Belle… Long time no see… -He smiled, pulling his glasses up the bridge of his nose. One of the lenses was broken in the middle.

-Hi, Lucas. Sorry for the glasses. -Ryan watched as she grimaced, catching himself thinking about how graceful she looked, even when she wrinkled her nose and pursed her lips. -How are you?

-I should be asking you, I'm fine, as fine as possible… -Ryan stood behind her and shook his head as a warning sign for him to shut his mouth about the case. Lucas’ eyes flung toward the top of the screen and he hesitated. -Desmond is kind of trying to make me work till I die, but… Did you tell her the news?

Ryan kept his face impassive, feeling glad that Belle was practically clueless when it came to judging people's intentions, but at the same time knowing he would have to make Lucas understand that she should not know a thing about Daniel, without lying.

It was not like Lucas wouldn't cooperate with him in case he had to lie, but he didn't fancy being dishonest with Belle. That and the fact that the guy was a sucker for her and would do anything to please her, including throwing his friend under the bus.

-About Daniel? -Ryan touched her shoulder, then signaled her to stand up. As he sat on the chair, he opened his eyes wide open and creased his eyebrows to hint Lucas that he should shut the fuck up.

When he patted his leg to offer her a place to sit, Belle blushed and her eyes flung wide open.

-They all know, relax. -He tried to say it as nonchalantly as possible, hoping to appease any shame she could feel, but what he hadn't predicted was that she would get extremely outraged. -I didn't say anything! They just guessed, and I can't lie to them, they know me too well. Do you want me to stand up again?

They had just made up, and now she was angry again. How could he mess up so frequently with their relationship without even trying?

Belle bit her lower lip, darting her eyes between his face and his lap several times before giving up and sitting on his knee. So I'm still half a leper to you? Nice... He huffed, then pulled her close, leaning her shoulder on his.

She didn't fight or try to push away so he guessed it was only embarrassment that was holding her back, not the disgust from earlier. It always amazed him how fast she could shift her feelings toward him, from sad or angry back to caring or loving. It gave him hope, a feeling he didn't often allow himself to feed toward anyone.

-I told her that he was gonna be arrested today. And I told her how we managed to get the evidence too. -Ryan tried to make it clear, so that his companion wouldn't accidentally say something that would worry her. Lucas grimaced and nodded, looking disappointed and hopeless. -Are you ok?

-Yeah, I'm just… This thing is sucking up my energy. -He sniffed and rubbed his eyes. Then he pushed his glasses back into place and feigned a smile. -Well… You wanted to talk to me, Belle, are you ready to go to college?

Ryan just sat and listened while they talked about the university. Lucas seemed to recover a bit of his color as he gave her advice and she explained her expectations.

Was it possible that Lucas had been expecting to take Daniel's escape off his chest by talking about it to her? Or was there another reason? Had Corey told him to? Ryan hoped that wasn't the case, or else he would have to narrow even more his circle of trustworthy people. Maybe the guy just needed someone empathetic to share his worries and fears with, someone that, different from himself, would take it seriously.

-But how are you guys? How is Corey? And Roy? -Suddenly Belle's voice yanked him from his thoughts, and Ryan quickly reached for the phone to hang up. Her voice was so sweet and cheerful that it made his chest hurt. Belle reacted immediately, leaning forward on the table keeping the phone out of his reach.

Lucas’ smile withered as soon as Roy's name was mentioned, then a deep crease made his glasses slide down his nose.

-What in the world, man, didn't you tell her? What's your problem? That's so wrong! -His face was red as a tomato and contorting in rage. -Man, she has the right to know, that's… Wrong!

-Shut the fuck up, Banner! -Ryan grabbed her arm and tried to pull her hand to take the phone from her grip. -Goddamnit, Belle, let go!

But of course she wouldn't let go. She knew something was off and wouldn't stop unless he told her everything about it.

-That's wrong, I won't take part in this kind of dirty lie again! -Lucas kept shouting and Ryan wished he could punch him through the phone. -It's like when you died but backwards! Stop messing with her head, you guys are sick! I would be very upset if I was the one that had...

When he finally managed to take the phone from her and press the button to end the call, Belle was leaning over the table with both arms stretched toward the other side of it, and his body was practically laid over hers. He could feel her heavy breath in synchrony with his, her back against his own chest, her hair prickling his nose as its strands floated in all directions.

-Fuck! -He panted and got off her.

-What was that about? -She jumped from his lap and whined, brushing her hair from her face and pulling it to one shoulder. -Tell me.

-No. -Thank god, she didn't know. She would never contemplate the idea of being responsible, even if indirectly, for someone's death. It was better like that. He needed to take her out of this room, to force her to think about something else, anything else. -It was a mistake to let you in here, get out.

He didn't mean to sound so cold, but he was pissed with Lucas and worried about the consequences of her being aware of what had happened that night.

-I won't. Not until you explain what this was about. -He watched as she stomped her foot like a child, reminding him a lot of Samantha. A shiver ran down his spine as he imagined Belle having one of his deceased fiancée’s flip outs. The thought only lasted for a moment, though. They were not the same, Belle wasn't like that. -Desmond, please…

Her voice was too loud. It would be a matter of time till someone found out who he was if she kept making this kind of mistake.

-Ryan, Belle. -He got to his feet and tried to take her hand, but she stepped back, getting out of reach. -You don't wanna know... Please, don't make me tell you.

-It was Roy, wasn't he? That I saw… In the corridor… -She whined. Ryan looked down. Of course she would come to that conclusion, she wasn't stupid. -Why? Why did this happen?

Ryan shook his head, trying to find the right words to say. Because you two were in the wrong place, at the wrong time? Because Roy let his guard down at the wrong time and so did I? Because… No, all of them sounded like it had been her fault.

Please, come here, forget about it all… He reached out, offering her a hug but she shook her head and covered her mouth with one hand, tugging at her hair with the other and putting even more distance between them.

-Because I left the bunker. That was what you were gonna say, right? -She sobbed through her hand. He watched as her face turned pale and her fingertips turned purple. -I was… He wasn't gonna… He only stopped because of me! Oh my god!

Damn, this is getting worse than I had imagined! It was hard for him to pretend he didn't think it was her fault, when he himself could help but take the blame too.

-That's not true, we don't know what would have happened, Trevor could have trapped us both. Please, Belle, don't blame yourself… -He shook his head and took a step toward her, but she backed away two. -It was my fucking stupid plan. His, in fact, but I agreed without considering all the variables. We weren't expecting a random girl to come after me, we thought Daniel would. Or Trevor.

That was the truth. Roy had dragged him upstairs and planned the whole thing on his own. When the cop hadn't shown up to trap the terrorist girl right away, he had thought Roy had set a trap for him. But then Belle's voice shut down all his other senses. She was calling for him, pleading, begging. At first he had thought it was some kind of hallucination, like what they said, that your life flashes before your eyes before you die, or something. But then she sounded near and loud and he was sure she was in the corridor, right next to him.

-You were shot because of me! You heard me talking to him and let your guard down, didn't you? -What the fuck, are you reading my mind now or something? His ears burned and he was out of words, which was a huge mistake. She opened her eyes wide and lifted her hand from her mouth to her hair, tugging it. -Oh my god, I almost killed you too!

Ryan glanced at the shut curtains, praying that the giant Golden Retriever wasn't there anymore, then back to her. He needed to take her to his bedroom, where it would at least be a bit harder to eavesdrop from outside of the house.

-Let's go upstairs, someone might hear you, Belle. Please… -He tried to sound as calm and quiet as possible, approaching her very slowly, so she wouldn't feel like he would try to immobilize or hurt her.

She looked confused, desperate and afraid. Her body was shivering from legs to lips, her eyelids were half closed as if she was about to pass out, and the color was completely gone from her face. The memory of her begging him not to kill her was still too fresh in his mind. Suddenly she turned and sprinted to the door.

-Belle! -He strode toward her and took her in his arms, restraining her arms against his chest to stop her from punching. Her body felt cold as stone. -Fuck, you're freezing! Shhh… Calm down... It's alright…

She sobbed, cried and howled, almost as much as she had sobbed that night when she had watched Roy die, except that, this time, she wasn't calling Ryan's name. She kept babbling things like “I'm so sorry” or “Oh my God, his baby”or “I didn't mean to”, but didn't seem to be aware of any of it.

As they got inside his bedroom, he couldn't feel her pulse on her neck anymore. Her face and chest were already as cold as her arms and he feared she would need medical intervention. He wrapped her in a blanket, rubbing her arms and legs vigorously to warm them. It seemed to work and she gave signs of recovering consciousness when she stared at her own hands with a confused expression, but then she closed her eyes and threw her head back.

-No, no, wake up! Belle! -Ryan urgently held her to his chest and shook her, while still rubbing her arms. -Fuck! Stay with me! Don't sleep, Isabelle, wake up, goddammit!

He desperately untangled the cocoon he had built around her with the blanket and lifted her shirt to her neck, then did the same with his, and covered them both with the blanket still rubbing her arms and back, this time under her shirt. After a couple of minutes he was glad to feel her heart beating a bit stronger against his chest, even although his own quickened pulse made it difficult to concentrate on hers.

When she recovered the color in her cheeks and lips, he could finally breathe. His body was covered in sweat, his throat was dry and aching and his heart was pounding in his ears.

This was scary. And abnormal. This girl had some serious unresolved shit going on with her mind, and it was beyond time to start dealing with them. As much as he hated to submit her to the kind of shit he had had to endure in the past, and how much it worried him to take her out of the house now, therapy was needed. Urgently. He would have to push her lawyers into choosing and hiring one of the psychiatrists they had listed, right away.

-What the fuck am I gonna do with you, girl? -He sighed, carefully laying her down over the bed. -What would've happened to you were you living alone and gone through this shit? You'd be dead…

He couldn't send her away. If not blatantly using it as an excuse, he was truly worried about her, more than ever. Daniel was a threat, there was no doubt, he himself could cause her great harm, that was also obvious, but Belle was self-hazard in person.

-I've tried, Belle… God knows I've tried. -He reached out and brushed away the hair that was stuck in her damp forehead.

Belle gave signs of waking up and immediately tried to sit up, but he pushed her down by her chest and shook his head.

-Don't. Rest a bit, you’ve just had a panic attack. Do you want some water? -He felt thirsty and could bet she felt the same. He watched as she tried to moisten her lips with the tip of her tongue, then reached out to take a strand of hair from the corner of her lips. It was unbelievable how beautiful she could still be, even when in this condition. -Belle, I never wished so much that I could erase something from your mind… Please, let it go, it wasn't your fault.

-You've blamed me, didn't you? -She mumbled and closed her eyes. Ryan looked away. He had blamed her, yes, and he still did, but just a bit. He blamed himself the most, and Corey. If he ever found anything solid that could connect Corey to Roy's death, he would make sure he paid. -That night, in the bathtub, you said… How could you keep this from me this long? How would you feel?

Oh shit. He had forgotten about that. He had been so disgusted by the idea of her wanting to cuddle and have sex soon after Roy's death that he had felt a bit of resentment toward her. But that night he hadn't meant to make her feel bad. On the contrary, he was feeling guilty, for them both.

-I didn't know that you didn't know… I found out the other night. Sorry for blaming you, I was feeling guilty for wanting you… -All of sudden he felt the need to explain himself, as if hoping that by being forgiven by her he would find peace with his own mind. -And before I found out, I was confused too, about how you could even think about it, because the main reason we're here… They killed him and you made them believe it was me. And then we…

-What does that have to do with anything? -She creased her eyebrows.

-I should be dead, not getting laid! -He blurted without thinking, so he tried to mend it, but the words just seemed to worsen as they came out of his mouth. -Fuck! He should be with his wife and his son. I should at least be mourning him, but instead I’ve been using your body as a distraction.

Belle flinched and looked away. She was offended, and had all the right to be. There was not a single lie in what he had said, but that didn't mean it hadn't been a douchebag’s remark.

Ryan mumbled all the bad words he could remember ever hearing, watching her, somehow hoping the right words would come to his head as if by magic, but it never happened.

It was only when he noticed how badly it was bothering him that she wouldn't look him in the eyes, no matter how much he tried to capture her gaze, that he realized that he too was having some kind of breakdown. His head was spinning and he couldn't think straight.

The angst and shame were mixed together in a powerful painful reminder that he should, indeed, be dead. A cruel reminder that, once again, someone had paid the price that had been meant for him. He took a deep breath, then laid beside her. Not knowing how to cope with the fact that he was about to have an outburst in front of her, he grabbed a pillow, then pressed it with both hands against his face and screamed at the top of his lungs, hoping that it would be enough to muffle it.

Ryan felt it when she tried to pull the pillow. He resisted at first, then let go of it. He had been expecting her to be angry at him, or to be afraid of him, but instead of hate or fear, all he saw in her face was compassion.

Belle moved to lie beside him, then held his head to her chest, wrapping one arm under his chin and the other behind his nape, leaning her cheek on the top of his head and resting one leg over his chest. She curled into a ball and he turned sideways curling toward her too, wrapping his arms around her waist and hiding his face on her neck.

It felt good, but also very awkward, to be the one under protection, after more than a decade fighting all the battles for everyone he cared about on his own. It felt peaceful, but at the same time disturbing. He couldn't remember ever feeling this resigned about being so vulnerable. He enjoyed the sensation of her fingers running through his hair until he could hide under the “soft and painless blanket of his sleep”.

-Holly crap… Damn… -Ryan groaned. He woke up with a piercing pain spreading through his stomach and temples. -God, what is this pain?

He tried to sit up, but Belle's leg felt heavy over his abdomen. She took a deep breath then slowly moved off him. Ryan reached for his phone over the bedside table, but couldn't find it there.

-Fuck, I left my phone downstairs… -He groaned, rubbing his eyes. -And I should've worked out. Fuck!

-I can go fetch it for you… -She sighed. He was glad to hear no sniffing or sobbing coming from her.

-No, I shouldn't have left it unlocked too. Are you ok? Aren't you hungry? -Ryan hesitated, then cautiously ran his fingers through her hair, testing to see if she would reject him. -Are you sleeping here tonight?

He wanted her to, not only because he knew she would have nightmares and need his support during the night after what had happened, but because he felt like he too could use a bit of snuggling and comforting.

-So many questions… -She groaned and pouted. Of course she wouldn't reject him directly, not while pitying him, at least. -Do you want me to fix dinner?

-No, my stomach is hurting, I don't want to eat anything now. -It was true. The only thing worse than the burning in his stomach was the piercing pain in his head. He fumbled over the bedside table again, this time looking for the medicine he had bought a couple of days before. -Shit, my head is killing me. Where are those fucking painkillers? I'm gonna turn the lamp on.

Belle covered her eyes, so he couldn't see how red or swollen they were. At least she wasn't crying anymore. He gulped the OTC pills, then turned to her and brushed her cheek with the back of his fingers. He was very glad to notice that, instead of pushing him away, she was leaning her face against his hand, welcoming his touch.

-I'm sorry for everything you're going through. I'm sorry for how you found out, too. I just didn't want you to go through anything resembling what I've been enduring… -He couldn't look her in the eyes anymore, and by the way she shut her eyes and turned her head away, he guessed she felt the same. -I… I might take a while to come back. I'm gonna try to force myself to workout as much as I manage to. Don’t wait for me, ok? If you want to, you can sleep here tonight…

She just nodded and pulled the blanket to cover her chest.

As he climbed down the stairs, Ryan was lost in thoughts. As soon as he got to his study, he read the messages, most of them informing that their access had been reestablished. He ignored them and instead texted the intermediary who was supposed to enable the contact between Ryan and Belle’s lawyers without revealing their location. He didn’t expect to get the answer immediately, so he just tossed the cell phone aside and sat on his chair.

He needed to workout, even with the pain. It was not only due to maintaining discipline, but also because he needed to let out the anger and restlessness that was boiling up inside him, and he feared Belle could be a victim of his foul mood.

Ryan was really worried about her. He thought about her favorite book, remembering a passage where the protagonist explained about the doors of mind to cope with pain. She had always jumped to the second door, the door of forgetting. But right now, without the pills or Daniel tampering with her memories, that one wouldn’t be available anymore. Now, with his stupid remark about faking someone’s suicide, the first door, the door of sleep, could cause her harm.

She needed help. He had to do his best to help her keep the other two well locked, and he would do anything for it, even if it meant giving her full space, even if it meant leaving the house, if so she desired. The last two doors, madness and death would be kept locked, for both of them.

 

Miss belle n ryan together

 

Dear readers, Happy new year!

This week we're back to Belle. I'm still trying to shrink the chapter because right now it has ridiculous 30 A5 pages =. Usually it's between 15 and 20, for reference.

I could break it in two but it would make one of them too short, so I'll probably just post an immense chapter, sorry for that.

 

I dont mind at all..even long story.please share it.hahaha..tq

 

Happy new year to you and all reader here