Novel ✪ Memory Corruption (R-18) (Book 1 and 2 Finished) (Book 3 on release now)

You won't mind it terribly if I post tomorrow's chapter tonight, right? =P Tomorrow I'm gonna go feed stray kitties Idk how long it will take, because we're taking new volunteers to show them the feeding spots, so, just to avoid delaying the post, I'm gonna post it tonight.

 

Chapter 27


-How did it go? -He said in a cold tone, his frown slowly melting and transforming into a painting of impassiveness.

-Fine. What are you doing here? -She shivered when he scoffed. -You didn't have to come.

-You shouldn't have come without me! -He raised his voice but lowered it almost immediately. -How the fuck did you change the time of the test, anyway?

-I asked how it worked to change dates and time on the first day and they said I just had to come and submit a requirement to the main secretary. If one teacher was available, they'd arrange it.

-And it never crossed your mind the idea of informing me you'd do that? -His eyebrows couldn't get any closer to each other.

-I'm not talking to you. -She looked around. There was nowhere to go. She didn't know the campus and didn't have any idea of where Noah might be.

-That's fucking childish and irresponsible. -He scolded her, but she was surprised to realize he sounded more hurt than angry. -I know I hurt you, but you must know that the first thing I thought was that Daniel had managed to get you while I was working, right?

-I left you a note. -She looked down.

-Practically under my pillow! I found it by accident when I got upstairs to get my other gun, you moron! -He almost shouted. -I had already looked for you everywhere I could think about!

-Well… -She was ashamed. Of course it hadn't been a good idea to put it over his bed. She had thought about sliding it under his study's door, but she was afraid he might notice it immediately and prevent her from getting out. Now that she thought about it, she should have left it by the door. -I'm sorry.

-You better be. Don't ever do something like this again. Here. -He sighed. The fact that he wasn't shouting and cursing, more than anything, made her feel worried. She leaned toward him and sniffed, expecting to feel alcohol in his breath, but she just felt the faint smell of his perfume mixed with sweat. -What the fuck are you doing? Take it.

She looked down, he was handing her the cell phone the deputy had brought the other day. So it was meant for her.

-Did you really think I would drink in a fucked up situation like that? I was desperately looking for you, like an imbecile, not relaxing. -He muttered. -I guess I deserve that you think so poorly about me, but at least try to pretend you don't.

-I'm sorry, it's just… You're calm. -She tried to defend herself. -Can I use the internet with this or am I still forbidden?

He looked at her as if she had grown a second head.

-Would it stop you from using it if I said you were forbidden? -He finally said. -And I'm not calm. I'm just relieved that you're standing in front of me, in one piece.

-Yes, I wouldn’t use it, if you told me not to. -She murmured, feeling a sting in her heart. He didn't trust her anymore, and she deserved that. Even then, he still cared for her. She examined his face, and realized he was tired. Truly tired, with swollen eyes, sweaty shirt and shallow breathing. Did you cry, Ryan? -I'm sorry for worrying you.

-Yeah, you wanted to punish me the worst way possible, and you nailed it. -He sighed. -Was that all? Or must I get ready for more?

-Noah is driving me here again on Friday. -She gave him an apologetic smile.

-He's not. -He smirked. -He's stupid, not crazy.

-He is. Driving me here, I mean. I asked him to. And you won't threaten my friend again, if you do, I'll never forgive you. -She scolded him. -You maxed out your limit of being a douchebag for the year, you don't have any right to do anything else to hurt me anymore.

-You'd be surprised how much more of a douchebag I can be. -He huffed with a bitter smile on his face. -Don't feed hopes of me getting any better, I've told you from the start that I'm damaged.

-Is that your excuse? That you are like that and can't change? -She crossed her arms too and shook her head. -You should at least try to be a better person...

-To what purpose? -He frowned and looked away. -You already hate me… There's no reason to keep trying anymore.

She went mute. Did you really say that? What does that even mean?

-So you… -She tried to find her voice. -What are you saying now, that you were trying to be better… For me?

-No. -He pinched the bridge of his nose and grimaced. -That's not... I'm pretty sure I didn't say that.

-Then what does that mean? -Her tongue felt strange. She felt a mix of confusion, happiness and angst.

-Nothing, it doesn't matter, anyway. -He shrugged. -Let's go home, my head is killing me.

-No, I need to wait for Noah. -She reached out and grabbed his sleeve. -Please, answer me. What did you mean?

-I don't know, I meant exactly what I said, I don't have any reason to change, it's comfortable to be this way, ‘cause I don't have to worry about what other people will think of me or feel about what I do to them. -He gently pulled her fingers one by one to take her hand from his shirt, then held her index finger and pulled her hand down before releasing it. -Let's go home, Belle, you won't go back with him. Don't make me force you.

-You won't force me. What are you planning to do? To knock me out? To restrain me? I'll make a fuss if you try, I might even call the police. -She was tired of his control. -I'm waiting for him here, at least to give him an explanation about why I'm not coming back with him. If you wanna go back right now, just go.

-Belle… -He pleaded. -I can't just leave you here. Let's go, you can explain to him later.

-He will come looking for me! -She creased her eyebrows in disbelief. -I can't just go without an explanation!

-Well, leave a note under his pillow. -Ryan mocked and she couldn't help but give a small smile. He sighed while looking at her mouth. -I'm sorry for hurting you. I really am.

-Still, you won't stop saying those things. -She tried to avoid fixing her eyes on his, because her heart kept missing beats when she did so. -You're not sorry for what you did to me, you're sorry for yourself, for what I'm doing now.

-That's not true, and you know that. -He rolled his eyes and lifted his arm. She thought he would pull her into his arms, sniff her hair and kiss the top of her head, but instead he just let his arm drop. -Please, forgive me, and let's go home.

-You said you won't change. -At this point she was just being childish. She wasn't even that upset anymore, but she knew she should be, so couldn’t give in. -If you won't change, I can't forgive you. And I won't leave Noah hanging here, I need to let him know I'm going back with you. You're the one being stubborn, now!

He huffed and looked at the sky, cursing under his breath, then nodded and sat on the floor beside the door with his knees up, resting his forearms in them and looking away, with his eyes slightly squinted because of the pain. He looked like a model posing, and the sight was breathtaking.

She felt weird standing while he was sitting on the floor, so she just swallowed her pride and sat cross-legged beside him.

-I'm sorry for worrying you. -She murmured again.

-You did that on purpose, and you achieved your goal. Stop saying you're sorry. -He sighed.

-I didn't mean to worry you, I meant to piss you. And I didn't want to be near you, too, so I asked Noah to bring me. I don't want to depend on you anymore, for anything. I don't want to need you anymore. -Her chest hurt while she talked and a selfish part of her hoped his chest would hurt too as he heard her words. His impassive face didn't give anything away. -And I'll try to stop loving you. I don't know how to do that yet, but I agree with you, you're not good for me.

-Thought you didn't love me anymore. -He tilted his head and arched his eyebrows, the way he had done before. -You said you didn't love me anymore.

-I lied. -She looked down.

He lifted his eyebrows, looking surprised. She looked up and they stared into each other’s eyes, both trying to guess what the other was thinking. After a couple of minutes he opened his mouth, but closed it immediately and shook his head slightly, pressing his lips firmly. She didn't ask what he was going to say. Although curiosity tried to start a riot inside her for holding her tongue, she was sure it was probably something hurtful, and she didn't need that now.

-I wanna learn how to drive, but not with you. I don't know how it works, can I have a teacher or something? -She bit her lower lip.

-Stop doing that. -He scolded her and she let it slide through her teeth back to its normal state. -Yes, you can, but… Well, it might work for you, you are more disciplined than me. I'll arrange driving lessons for you. Just remind me about it later, ok?

-Ok. Thank you. -She felt a bit humiliated about having to ask him that. So much for my independence... -And we're not sleeping together anymore.

-You already said that yesterday. -He sighed.

-No, what I mean is that I want you to stop it, to reject me, in case I… -She couldn't voice it up. -I want you to be really rude if you need to. It helps me, not to like you, when you treat me badly.

-No. -Ryan said and she looked up, surprised. He didn't look at her. -I won't push you away this time, if I can have you back, sorry. I will stop teasing you, but you can't ask me not to want you.

-What changed? A few days ago you were all “we can't do this” and “we should stop”. What happened? -The pain was melting as anger started to boil inside her. -Am I a joke to you? Do you enjoy doing this to me?

-I like being with you. -He smirked. His eyes and ears were getting red. -But no, I don't enjoy hurting you, I know I'm not good enough for you, I just… I like you. And if I can have your body on top of being near you, I'm not gonna complain or resist anymore.

-I love you! -She meant it to sound like an accusation, but it sounded like an oath again. -You can't play with me like that, you're being an asshole!

-I'm not playing with you, I really like you. -He shook his head. -I don't wanna lose you. I don't want you to hate me, I already told you, I want to be your friend even after we end this.

-We can't be friends. -She declared and her throat hurt so much she coughed. -I love you, and I can't just be friends with you because…

She just pointed at him up and down with her open hand.

-Welcome to my world, you're hot as fuck and I have to constantly force myself to ignore it for the sake of your safety and our friendship. -He shrugged. -It's annoying, a bit painful sometimes, but you'll get used to it.

-You're such an asshole. -She got up.

-Where are you going? -He moaned. -Belle, I can't… Please, just sit here, I'm not exaggerating, my head is hurting a lot.

-What happened to your painkillers? -She tilted her head.

-I might have taken the ones I had left all at once. -He grimaced.

-Why would you do that? -The fact that she was more worried about this than for her own feelings, made her want to punch herself.

-To get fucking stoned. -He gave a bittersweet laugh. -Damn, don't give me that look, it was your fault, if you wanna know.

-How come? -She put her hands to her hips.

-Sit down, the sky is too clear. -His eyes were almost closed. -Please.

-Why don't you seek treatment for your migraines? -She sighed as she sat in front of him.

-Because I don't have migraines. You give me migraines, I never had them before you.

-So are they psychosomatic? You should seek therapy, then. -She didn't feel as guilty as she knew she should. You deserve worse than migraines, Ryan. She felt horrible for having those thoughts, and the urge to apologize to him. -Do you want a cupcake? I once read that chocolate can help with headaches.

She took the small paper bag from her backpack and offered it to him. He hesitated, then took it and gave it a bite.

-Where did you get this? -He offered it to her and she took a small bite, while he held it out for her. He nodded and took another bite. -Doesn't look like something they sell here.

-Noah made them. -She smiled. -He was anxious yesterday and couldn't sleep, so he watched some videos on YouTube and tried to make them for the first time. It tastes really good, doesn’t it? I was so impress… Ryan!

He got up immediately, put the cupcake back inside the paper bag, crushed it into a small ball, then tossed it away. She lost it midway during its rising, but she knew it would fall incredibly far from them. The sound his arm had made, when he moved to toss it, was similar to a golf bat cutting the air.

-Yeah, you were right, it helped a bit. -He sat down beside her with a grumpy grunt.

She couldn't believe he had once argued with her about jealousy. His attitude was so disproportional and unjustified that she wanted to slap him.

-Look, I'll let you drive me to the next session if you give therapy a try. -She cut the weird silence that followed his outbreak.

-You're the one to lose when you skip therapy. -He shrugged. -I won't negotiate that with you. Not if that's the price, at least.

-Why are you so afraid of psychologists? -She tilted her head.

-In case you didn't notice, one of the people I love the most in the world is a psychologist. -He frowned. -I'm not afraid of them. I just don't need a new one, I already have one.

-But he can't see you now, because you're hiding, so, what's the problem of seeing a new one just for now?

-She knows a lot already. I don't want to go through all that shit all over again. Once is more than enough.

Belle observed him. He looked hurt. Not only hurt, but terrified.

-Ok. -She nodded.

He stared at her, then smiled.

-Let's go home? -He tried. -Please?

-I'll wait for Noah, but you may go. -She sighed. Then she thought about it and added. -I’d prefer it if you stayed, though.

-Really? -He looked surprised. -Why?

-Because you're suffering from migraine, you shouldn't drive.

Ryan nodded and looked away. They stayed in silence until Noah showed up. He smiled broadly when he saw her getting up, but his smile died as soon as Ryan did the same.

-Oh shit… -He moaned and shook his head. -You didn't tell him I was driving you here. That's why you said you'd fight… Look, she asked me to and I didn't know…

Belle was confused. How did he come to that conclusion? She looked at Ryan’s face and burst out laughing. His frown melted and he turned to her with a confused expression.

-That's simply ridiculous, stop. -She shook her head. -Noah, Ryan didn't see my note this morning, he was worried and came here to check if I was here. That's all. Do you mind it if I go back with him?

-No, I… Well, I can give you two a tour… If you still want to. -He avoided looking at Ryan. -But yeah, I'll stay, then, because I'm gonna write that essay...

-Can we postpone the tour for Friday? -She tilted her head.

-Are you still coming with me on Friday? -His eyes darted to Ryan's.

-Yes, if that's ok with you. -She nodded, grabbing Ryan's hand and squeezing it very hard before he could open his mouth. -Ryan will be too occupied and I already changed the test time for nine. Can you drive me, please?

-Sure. -Noah looked anything but sure. -Ahm, see you tonight? Or are you sick of spending time with me?

-No, sorry for not showing up those days. I'll see you tonight. -She had forgotten how absent she had been during the weekend.

-Nice. We should get into the pool for a swim, it's been almost a week since the last time I took a dive. -He scratched his goatee and Ryan let out a disgusted sound.

They both turned to him, and he just looked away.

-No, I don't know how to swim, and to tell you the truth, I'm a bit afraid of drowning. -Belle decided to be honest with him at least once.

-Let's go, Belle. -Ryan tugged at her hand. -I have a pile of work waiting for me…

-I could teach you. -Noah ignored him and took a step toward Belle. -You can't live in Florida and not know how to swim, that's kind of a blasphemy.

-Let's go. Now. -Ryan pulled her to his chest and strode toward his car. -Bye, Noah. Hope your brother is doing as fine as you.

Belle staggered and he moved his hand to her waist to steady her.

-What are you doing? -She whined.

-You said you had to tell him you were coming with me, not that I'd have to stand and listen to you two chatting endlessly. -He huffed, opening the door for her. She waved a clumsy goodbye for Noah and got in, fastening her belt. He was maneuvering before he finished fastening his. -Don't fucking dream of getting into that pool without me near, do you understand?

-I wasn't planning to. It's not like I can wear a bikini with long sleeves. -She looked away. -Speaking of that, when are you gonna take me to the beach? Noah invited me again, he asked if you took me and I had to lie.

-In July. -He didn't take his eyes from the road. She glanced at the speedometer and flinched, he was driving way above the speed limit. -I'm taking my vacation in July. Two first weeks. This year I get twenty fucking days off, but Riviera won't allow me to take them all at once or sell them. Said I need to split to make sure I won't burn out. Whatever, I'm taking fourteen days in July and six in October.

-That's great! My birthday is in July. -She smiled. -My real one...

-I know. -He smirked. -I read your file.

He pressed his lips, still looking forward and she smiled. Having him making jokes was way better than having him scolding her or treating her badly, but it made the process of killing her love for him way more difficult.

-When is yours? -She tilted her head.

-The fake one or the real one? -He glanced at her, but grimaced and put his eyes back on the road.

-The real one. There's something I wanted to ask about the fake one, though… -She just remembered something. -Did you choose it? Our birthdays?

-No, Andrews chose them, that bitch. -He spit the words. -How I wish I could bury her alive…

Belle gulped, there was a vein pulsing in his temple. He glanced at her again and pressed his lips.

-My birthday is in November, by the way. The 6th, like yours. -He sighed. -Why did you ask about our fake birthdays?

-Because I know mine is important to you… I wanted to know what it meant, but if you're that mad when you think about it… If she chose it to hurt you… -She looked down. -You don't need to tell me what it is. Now that I think about it, I think I know what it is.

-What do you mean? -He knit his brows and tilted his head, then took one hand from the wheel to press the bridge of his nose. -How do you know it's a meaningful date?

-I know your security code… From your alarm, in your house. -She bit her lower lip. -And I spent quite a while reading your brother’s tag. The numbers are alternated… With that date, but two years ago, right?

He just nodded. She felt very dumb for asking.

-She's the meanest person I've ever met. -Belle shook her head. -Why would she choose their murdering date as my birthday?

-His. -He corrected. -It was the date the baby died, not her. Alyssa doesn't know it wasn't mine, she thought it would hurt me more.

-Still, it's awful. Why would she do that? -She wanted to hug him. -She's the worst person ever.

-She did it to remind me that I'm putting you at risk by keeping you near. -He pressed his lips. -To remind me that there's a big chance that you'll get killed because of a mistake I'll most certainly make in the future.

Belle crossed her arms in front of her chest, shaking her head.

-Can I ask you about your birthday? -She murmured. -If it won't hurt you telling me…

-I think you can guess what it is on your own. -He smirked. -You're smart enough, what other date do you think would bring me more pain?

-Your brother’s… -She whispered.

-Yeah. -He nodded, pressing his lips. -Just a reminder that I shouldn't celebrate the fact that I'm still alive. She probably wanted to make sure I'd be celebrating his death if I ever decided to do so.

-What a bitch! -Belle spat the words, then covered her mouth with her hand.

Ryan laughed out loud.

-That's just the tip of the iceberg, she's done worse before. -He kept laughing. -I must admit I dreamt a lot of times about killing her. My mind is surprisingly fertile, and it used to soothe my anger, watching her suffer, till the day it just stopped working.

-Why does she hate you so much? It can't just be because you rejected her. -Belle ignored his psychopath remark.

-Sometimes I think she was in love with Samantha, because, really, she gave me her worst ever, after her death. -He sighed. -But then again, why would they both plot to ruin me if that was the case?

-Do you think they plotted against you? -Belle was surprised. -I don't understand how your relationship with Samantha worked. Did she love you or not?

-She certainly didn't. -He sighed. -And if I had any idea from the start about who she was, she wouldn't have spent more than one night in my bed. In the hotel’s bed actually, I would've never let her step foot in my house, get near my family and those other stuff...

-How come you didn't notice who she was, if you're so good at reading people? -She knew she was taking advantage of his fragile state. He wasn't thinking straight because of his migraine, concentration on the road and general stressing situation. Still, she needed to know more about him. -You said you spent more than two years with her. How?

-First of all I knew I didn't love her after less than one month or so since our first date. The first time she called Magda a slutty black cow, I was done with her. -Belle gasped, but he went on. -But as I told you, she led me to believe she was a totally different person, and that she needed me, so I endured it. Things just got way out of hand. But it was convenient to have her always available for sex too, she had a very nice body in the beginning, so I couldn't complain, to be honest. We were kind of using each other at some point.

Belle felt her stomach churn.

-Like what we were doing? -She gulped.

-No, for god sake, stop comparing yourself to her! -He snorted. -Fuck, Belle, what's your problem?

-You said you only wanted sex with me, and now you're saying it was the same with her, how can I not make comparisons?

-I never said I only… What the fuck, Belle? It's completely different! -He almost screamed. -Absolutely different. Like opposites, almost.

-Explain it, then.

-I can't! Why do you even want to know? -He frowned. -You said that we won't have sex anymore, so why don't you just leave it all in the past?

-You can't because you know that…

-Most of the time I fucked her to shut her up and get rid of her. -He blurted. -She annoyed me, made me feel bad, I didn't like to hear her voice, I didn't like anything she liked and she almost always had something unpleasant to say about the things I like, so I just fucked her and called a cab for her afterwards. That's it. Now you have one more reason to think I’m worthless, pretty nice isn’t it?

Belle looked at his red face, then quickly looked away when he tried to glance into her eyes.

-And then she came up with the damned engagement shit and moved in, but she was so obnoxious that at some point I couldn't even stand sleeping beside her. -He huffed, his voice getting a bit more calm. -And the cheating was the cherry on top, so yeah, I couldn't take her anymore, even if it meant that she would eventually kill herself, I didn't give a fuck anymore. I'm glad she didn't, though.

-You stayed with her, for two years, because you believed she would suicide if you didn't? -The words felt strange in her mouth.

-It's more complicated than that... -He shook his head. -I've ruined her life. I destroyed her career, literally. She got kicked out of her mother's house, too, because of me. And I truly believed she needed help, I didn't know she was a fucking mythomaniac psycho.

-Magda told me something about it… That you tried to help her and her agent barred her from getting contracts. -Belle remembered that conversation and smiled as she reproduced Magda’s laugh in her mind. Then she felt a chill in her spine and her smile vanished. -She asked me not to tell you she told me, and I forgot about it, so please, don't tell her I've told you…

-Did she tell you what happened between them? Samantha and her agent? -He frowned, taking a glance at her puzzled face. -No, of course she didn't.

-What happened? -Belle tilted her head.

-Ah, great. -He huffed, checking the mirror. -Shit, I was above the speed limit.

Ryan pulled over and waited. She hadn't heard the siren, but a cop parked in front of them and came to stand beside the driver's window.

Ryan got out of the car after showing his documents, and after five minutes of chatting they were both laughing and waving goodbye.

-You bribed him... -Belle squinted her eyes.

-No, I didn't. Stop expecting the worst from me all the time. -He rolled his eyes. -I just showed him my badge and lied.

It was practically the same, but she decided not to point it out.

-You were talking about Samantha's agent. -She reminded him after some minutes of silence.

-No, I was not. -He sighed. -I just remembered what happened the last time I gave you access to personal information about me.

She pouted, but nodded.

-Speaking of that… Did you forgive me about the shit I said to you? -He gave her an apologetic smile.

-There's not much to forgive. -She didn't really believe that, but she wanted him to taste his own medicine. -I was letting you use me like a whore. I won't anymore. And if you felt entitled to talk to me like that, it was because I gave you the impression I was stupid enough to let it slide. I will fix it to make sure it won't happen again.

It sounded better in her mind. Still, she didn't miss his nose creasing with discomfort, his jaw clenching, and him tapping on the wheel for the rest of the trip.

 

And the pissing contest begins.......

 

I've warned you

 

Can’t wait to see how this plays out.....I hope that they will stop butting heads and get to a good place

 

Quick pool:
What would you think about me changing the name of the book? First one would call "A Song of Oblivion" and second one "A Song of Remembrance"?

Another variant would be substitute "A song" for "Melody" or "Melodies"

 

These are the names of parts of book like "Memory Corruption. A Song of Oblivion" or the separate names of the books? I like the name "Memory Corruption" and it's associated for me with the kind of error in my field. Anyway, I like "A Song" of the latest proposed names

 

Yeah, Memory Corruption made sense with the initial idea, but it takes our mind to computes science =. I thought about the Serie being called Memory Symphony or something like that. And then the names of the books being the movements/songs

 

I kinda of see it as the title of the book being the song which tells the story, and the chapters with convey a certain feeling or mood as the melody. Of course this is just an opinion from someone who doesn’t having a musical background.

 

I didn't understand your message =( can you please explain? If I understood it, that's exactly what I wanted to do, like as if their story is a "song/concert" and the chapters are a playlist with moods and feelings.

 

My apologies for not writing clearly but you understood correctly, their story is the song and the chapters are the melodies, so I agree with the title “A Song of Oblivion” and “A Song of Remembrance”

 

No, I apologize for my lack of understanding xD sometimes I catch myself trying to translate things literally as I would think in Portuguese and I'm not sure if I understood it right =. Sorry, and thank you for your feedback =) @imeren too, ty

 

Dear author, I was wondering if you can shed some light on the character Noah. I have been getting some weird vibes from him. Lately I found him to be quite intrusive, I mean it’s one thing to drive Belle to the university since he already drives there, but to offer to take her to the beach, teach her how to swim and take her to her therapy sessions seems a bit much. After all, Belle and Ryan are supposed to be married and he hasn’t known Belle that long. He is trying to spend a lot of time with her and I almost feel that he is fuelling discord between the two of them. Am I reading too much into this and he is just really friendly?

 

Just keep up the great work, as I said you are very talented and this story has me completely hooked. Patiently waiting for the next chapter

 

Can't answer this but I appreciate your observation

ps: Btw Ryan described him as stick to her as shit to a shovel you're not the only one to think it's weird af

 

Uhmmm - a love rival to make things more interesting? I’m surprised that Ryan hasn’t “reminded” him of his options
Maybe he was really tired and distraught that day.

 

Eagerly waiting....

 

Me tooo!!!

 

A Song of Oblivion sounds to me the real match ❤️✌

 

Chapter 28


She had the intention to keep ignoring him when they got into the house, but he grabbed her by her wrist before she could run upstairs and started to list instructions about her cellphone.

She shouldn't call anyone from her past life, no matter what, and shouldn't look for them on the internet. She shouldn't answer incoming calls unless it was his number or he told her to answer it. His number had a quick command preset on number three, and she could change it as she wished, but should keep that and the icon in the main screen, in case she needed to call him in an emergency. Riviera’s phone was set for button seven, in case he couldn't be reached. She flinched when he used “in case I get killed” as an example of him being unavailable. He also warned her that social media apps were blocked, and that some other websites might be unavailable too, because they would track her location without her knowledge. Most apps wouldn't work because of that feature on her phone, but Ryan and Lucas could track her, even on airplane mode. They would arrange it so she could have access to her bank account later, too. After he was done explaining, she walked away and resumed her efforts to ignore his existence.

She prepared the dinner, had her meal alone, sitting by the island in the kitchen, then locked herself in her bedroom until Noah came by to take her for their daily walk. Now that she stopped to think about it, the phone didn't matter anymore. She simply tossed it inside the drawer taking it out only to save Noah as a contact in it. He sent her a text later that night offering to take her to her therapy, but she ignored it. She didn't know what she would do if she couldn't walk after a seizure again, and the idea of Noah having to take her in his arms to the car made her feel extremely ashamed.

In the following days, Ryan pretended nothing had changed and she tried to pretend he wasn't there. The few accidental occasions they bumped into each other inside the house, he was a perfect gentleman, offering his hand, as always, when he thought she would need it to lean on, even though she would blatantly ignore it every single time, opening up doors and giving her plenty of space to get in and out, when they happened to be getting into the same room, and doing other small gestures that otherwise would've made her heart flutter. Now, it all only annoyed her profoundly.

-You have therapy tomorrow, should I call them and cancel it? You really shouldn't harm yourself for a tantrum… -He said as he came and watched her cook, with the excuse of drinking a glass of water very slowly. -Especially if you really found out the cause of the seizures.

-I've already told you my condition to let you drive me to the sessions. -She shrugged and took a spoon to taste the food. -Hm, this tastes marvelous.

-Everything you cook tastes marvelous. -He shrugged. -Should I cancel it or not?

She turned to him, squinting her eyes.

-Are you trying to frighten me into therapy? You'll need to work better on that frown. -He smirked. -A lot.

-I don't want to depend on you. -She crossed her arms.

-Too bad. I don't mind taking you and I won't ask for anything in return, so, yeah, you're gonna have to decide what you value the most: your mental health or your pride. -He shook his head. -I won't think twice before taking care of you afterwards too, if that's what you're afraid of. I'm not giving up on you just because you gave up on me.

-Excuse me? -She raised her voice.

-You've heard me. Tell me if I have to cancel it. You pay a fee every time you skip a session without canceling it within at least twenty four hours early. -He straightened his back. -I'm gonna let your lawyers know you've been skipping sessions if you miss this one too.

She watched his back as he left the kitchen.

-Ryan. -She called him in a low tone. He came back and leaned by the doorway. -Cancel it. And all the others too. I'm not going anymore.

-Why? -He sighed. That clearly wasn't the result he had been expecting.

-Because it makes me vulnerable. -She bit her lower lip. -I can't afford to feel vulnerable now.

He sighed again and walked toward her, stopping less than one foot away.

-And why is that? -His eyes darted between hers.

Their height difference was absurd. It had never bothered her so much. She felt like a child.

-Because I don't want to depend on you anymore. I don't want you to be able to hurt me again. -The squeeze in her heart was almost unbearable.

-What do you want from me, Isabelle? -He murmured almost inaudibly. She could swear his eyes were glistening, but maybe it was just the vapor getting into his eyes. -What do you expect me to do? Tell me, I'll do it. Anything.

-I don't know. -The words came out in a huff.

-If even you don't know, how the fuck can you expect me to? -His eyes closed in frustration and he put both hands on her shoulders.

He circled her to make her walk away from the cooker. She staggered back and looked at him, confused. They reached the island and he pulled a chair to sit down. This way they had practically the same height.

-Remember when you tried to use me, in my kitchen? -He pointed at the dark granite counter and drew a smiling face, wrote “I’m sorry” and finished it with a heart shape. The drawing appeared for some seconds but soon evaporated. -When you pretended you were mad at me to make me tell you about… This?

Belle blushed. Are you really gonna try to compare that to what you did? She felt her anger boiling faster than the water on the cooker. Don't you dare, I'm gonna slap you right in your face if you do...

-What hurt me the most was that I thought I would never want to look at your face again. I thought I wouldn't be able to trust you anymore... I believed we were broken beyond mending. -He went on and she was certain he was trying to put the two events on the same level, to convince her she was overreacting. -I thought I had lost you, forever. But in the end, I'm the one who broke us, with a way worse mistake. And I'm desperate to mend it, I swear.

Her shoulders dropped visibly. She gulped and looked down. He wasn't trying to defend himself, he was taking the blame for his acts.

-Now, I know I can live with the fact that you can't forgive me for what I said and how I treated you. I hurt you, and you can't believe I didn't mean it, because you think I'm an even worse person than I am. And even though I really didn't mean it, I said those words, I can't erase them, they came out of my mouth. -He said it very fast and her head was spinning. -So, if you can't forgive me, and I hope that's not the case, because I really believed I wouldn't be able to forgive you that time, and I did, pretty fast, by the way… I'm not making comparisons, ok? I'm just saying that I hope you'll forgive me, but if you can't, there's nothing I can do. If there's something, anything, let me know, and I'll do it.

He tugged at the hem of her shirt to catch her attention and make her look into his eyes.

-But what I can't accept, Belle, is that you'll harm yourself because of me. I won't have this, ok? -He shook his head, looking her in the eyes. -Go to your therapy, please. Maybe that will help you find out what you need me to do, so you can forgive me, then you may tell me. I'll do whatever it takes, ok?

She thought about it, then nodded.

-Are you going, then? Will you let me drive you there? -He asked her cautiously.

She nodded again and he rushed out of the kitchen, not giving her the opportunity to change her mind.

She tried to talk about Ryan during the session, but the two psychologists led her toward Daniel and for the first time she managed to get in trance. Her mind kept flowing toward Ryan, and she had a glimpse of a memory she would've never guessed existed. She had met him before. They met right after she left the subway, disoriented and dizzy.

She remembered everything, from getting there, meeting their friends, telling them the password, then feeling guilty for doing so, and insisting they should wait for the staff and warn him. And then Daniel had threatened her. He had said she would pay a high price if she told anyone, and had assured the others that he would deal with her as soon as possible, to make sure she would keep her mouth shut.

Belle had felt very afraid of him, so much that she shut her mouth immediately. She didn't say a word even after they parted from the rest of the group and felt the urge to get away from him, trying to make up excuses to do so. Her plan was to call the police and warn them as soon as they parted. She didn't know why, it was just a random password, with no apparent importance, but Daniel's tone had made her fear for the worse.

It didn't take long till she started to get the signs that she was about to have a panic attack. Panting, cold sweat, tunnel vision. She looked up at Daniel and took a step back as the train approached, afraid he could push her down to the rails. Her hands trembled as she fished into her pocket for a pill and swallowed it. He smiled kindly at her, making her feel even more uneasy. Then they got inside the train and Daniel gripped her by her nape, pinning her against the wall, holding her chin and saying the words she had heard so many times before: listen to my voice.

When she got out of the subway, alone, her mind was filled up with his commands: this day had never happened, Daniel was the only person she could trust on, she would go to her apartment without talking to anyone, then sleep and forget about everything.

She looked one way, then the other, before crossing the street. Then she almost bumped into a tall man, wearing a blue jacket with yellow words in it, but her vision was too blurred and the letters wouldn't make sense.

You can't cross through here, take the next block. He barely looked at her and she took some time to realize he was talking to her, so just kept looking at the side of his face, trying to understand why he looked so familiar. Are you deaf or just retarded? Back off!

She had a brief glimpse of his dark eyes before she put her head down, startled by his shouts, then involuntarily backed away, feeling intimidated by his attitude.

Chill, Desmond, it's just a girl. A cop with green eyes and ginger eyebrows smiled at her. I'm sorry miss, we had an occurrence here in this building, it's dangerous to be here, please go back and take the next block.

She finally lifted her head, feeling nauseated, then nodded and walked away.

Damned stupid teenagers… She's fucking high, and it's barely ten in the morning! Shitty kids. Belle heard the dark eyed man click his tongue behind her as she waited to cross the street again. She almost jumped in front of a car when she got startled by his shout. Hey, Roy, there's a reason they call it briefing, how much longer are you planning to take? It's starting to rain, we're gonna go back to the precinct and leave you here...

Belle cried as she remembered how desperate she felt the next morning, when she tried to remember what happened on that day. She just knew something was off, but when she called Daniel, he had just lied, saying he hadn't met her and didn't know where she had been. He had asked her if she wanted to come by his house and she promptly agreed. After another round of hypnosis, she ended up sleeping in his bed, but woke up when his phone rang. He was furious with someone on the other side of the line and told her he would be back in a few hours.

She got up, groggy and agitated, then started to rummage through his room, not knowing exactly what she was looking for, until she found it. A small black binder with drawings and codes. She could read them without difficulty, although she didn't know how. It was the plan for the terrorist attack on the subway, with all the details in it, among other things she didn't recognize.

After a brief struggle against the panic, she took her phone out of her pocket and started to take pictures of as many pages as she could, then put it back in place and tucked herself under the blankets as soon as she heard him stepping toward the bedroom.

He brushed her hair from her face, believing she was asleep.

It's happening, my queen. Our reign will soon begin, and those pigs are gonna squirm under our feet. He whispered, then kissed her forehead. We just have to let them know that we are the only change possible, they'll curve to us, you'll see.

Belle didn't know what to do when he dropped her by her house. He forced her to take two pills before letting her out of the car, so she practically passed out as soon as she touched her bed. When she woke up, it was past ten a.m. and the march against racism was probably about to reach its peak. It was raining a lot and she was still very dizzy and confused because of the pills and hypnosis after effects. She got up and left her house still wearing her pajamas’ long sleeved shirt and no bra.

Belle knew she couldn't use her cell phone. She remembered his threats as if it had been engraved in her soul, he would kill her if he found out she had told anyone about his plans. It had to be an anonymous call. A payphone, they couldn't track her, if she used one. But she couldn't do it near her house, so she decided she would walk to her school and use a payphone there. During her walk, she concluded the subway was a better option, because a lot more people could be suspects instead of just the students.

A couple of minutes after she ended the call, she was staggering out of the subway, still feeling groggy, when a hand grabbed her by her hair and slammed her back against the wall.

You are a really nosy bitch. I don't know why he chose you, but you're surely not worth the trouble. Trevor gritted through his teeth. The phone. Hand it to me. Now!

Belle gulped and looked around, too confused to think about screaming for help. She nodded and handed him her cell phone. He put it in his pocket and led her to his car, driving to Daniel's house. Five honks, then two, and Daniel rushed in.

Did you hurt her? Daniel opened the passenger’s door and helped her get out of the car, sitting on the backseat beside her right after. Why is she crying, then?

Because she's a pussy. Why do you even like her? She doesn't fit in our cause, and she doesn't even need the money. You should have chosen Chloe. Would've saved us a lot of time and money. Trevor huffed as he drove away. She had a bunch of shit in her cell phone and copies of it in the cloud… Good thing you asked me to check. We should get rid of her. Do you think she called the police on us?

No, she wouldn't do it. And show your respect for her, she'll be your ruler in a few months. Daniel pulled her to his shoulder. It's ok, Belle, hush, it's gonna be ok. Take this. Those are stronger, I want you to try them.

He took her hand and put a pill on her palm. Belle looked at him, still crying, too afraid to say anything. She was certain they would kill her if she tried to resist.

Belle, we both know the best for you is to cooperate now. Take it, don't make me force you. Daniel's voice was calm and constant, as if he was reading it or had repeated it a hundred times before.

Trevor peered at her from the mirror and she gulped. She put the pill under her tongue and closed her eyes, still sobbing.

She's pretty, even when she's crying. At least this. Trevor smirked. Daniel shot him a warning look. Relax, I don't want anything to do with that one, I'm just saying...

Good girl. Daniel observed her groggy eyes, then grabbed the hem of her shirt and kissed her mouth. She didn't react and didn't feel his lips, because hers were tingling and getting numb. Now I want you to tell me exactly what you did. Listen to my voice...

Ryan drove in silence but his eyes kept darting at her from time to time. He was certain she wouldn't remember getting inside the car. Her head was hanging slightly, and he was afraid she would pass out or have another seizure. After a couple of minutes he synced his phone to the radio and put on her playlist, but she didn't seem to be listening, no unconscious humming, no tapping on her thighs, not even a slight nod. His worries only grew. He wanted to hold her and kiss the top of her head, but he knew she would hate him even more, if she was conscious enough to reject him, so he didn't. Still, the urge to comfort and protect her made his stomach churn every time he glanced at her fragile state. The worst part was that he was almost sure this time Daniel had nothing to do with her seizure.

-I'll fix dinner, you should rest. -He murmured as he helped her get out of the car.

-No, I want to cook. I want to forget about this session. -Her voice was weak and she held his hand firmly, which made him instinctively tighten the grip of his other hand on her waist.

-I'll help you, then. -He sighed. Hearing her voice, even if it didn't really sound like her, was a huge relief. -Noah's father came by right after I left you there. He wanted to set that dinner for Friday, but I told him you have an appointment. He insisted on setting it for next Friday then, is that ok for you?

She just nodded. They ate in absolute silence. His eyes kept darting to her face. Her eyes were permanently fixed in a point of the tablecloth, her fork mechanically bringing food to her mouth from time to time, sometimes coming up almost empty. His hands itched from the need to help her, but he knew she would feel humiliated if he fed her like a baby, so he just watched her and endured the discomfort until she put her fork down and pushed the half-empty plate away.

-I want you to sleep in my room tonight. -He said cautiously after they finished their meal. -I'm worried about you. I won't touch you, I swear, but you can't be alone. Not tonight.

She nodded again with her head low. He pressed his lips and helped her get upstairs.

They laid in the bed and he stared at her until she fell asleep. She hadn't showered, brushed her teeth or changed her clothes. In fact, she wouldn't have taken off her shoes, if he hadn't started taking them off for her.

That night she didn't have nightmares, just relived the memory over and over again. Belle knew he hadn’t slept much. Twice she had woken up with his hand feeling like ice over her forehead, and once he had cautiously wrapped his arm around her back to help her sit up, encouraging her to take a pill and gulp on a glass of water. When she woke up, they were sleeping two feet apart, with the fingers of one hand intertwined and he was snoring loudly.

-You seem a bit off today. -Noah finally got the guts to interrupt her while she mumbled her revision for the test.

He had glanced at her a bunch of times while driving, worried about her mental state. That also meant fifteen minutes were added to the trip because he slowed down to do so.

-What's wrong? When your husband told me to fuck off last night I thought you two had fought. But it's something worse, isn't it? -He insisted. -Belle, you're in really bad shape.

-I'm fine, Noah. -She sighed. -Please, just help me with the test.

-You should skip the test today, just go there and tell them you're feeling sick, they'll believe you as soon as they put their eyes on you.

-I'm fine. -She repeated. -I don't want to skip it. Help me with revision, please.

He nodded and made a few more questions, correcting her when she gave the wrong answer.

As predicted, she wasn't sure if she got a good score, but at the same time didn't really mind. That teacher with white hair and gray beard had stared at her with pitiful eyes while she sighed and folded the test before handing it to him and wishing him a good afternoon, then shook his head as he watched her leave the room. She got out too early and was surprised when she saw Ryan parking right in front of the building fifteen minutes later.

-What happened? -He inquired as he saw her getting to her feet and dragging herself down the stairs with her head down. -Did you drop off the test before finishing it?

-No. What are you doing here? Did something happen with the case? -She didn't want to talk about her imminent failure. -Did Daniel do something?

He just walked toward her, stopping one step down and hugged her, leaning her forehead on his chin. She stood with her arms hanging to her sides. After a couple of minutes she moved and leaned her head on his shoulder, clutching at his shirt on his chest with both hands. His hot breath on her nape made her shiver and she caught herself trying to rhythm her own breathing with his.

-Let's go home. Text Mr. Goofy. -He sighed in her ear after a while.

She didn't argue. Noah had planned to show her the campus, but she knew she would upset him with her lack of interest. She unlocked the screen and handed her phone to him.

-You know you're giving me the opportunity of texting Mr. Goofy in your name, right? My prick side is running a battle with my moral side right now. -He mocked her while he texted a simple “I'm leaving with Ryan, see you later”.

-You'd only seem pathetic and jealous when I told him it was you. -She shrugged, accepting the phone back and putting it inside her pocket without checking what he had sent.

He sighed, watching her fasten her seatbelt and lean her head back with her eyes closed.

-I want you to tell me what happened in your last session. -He broke the silence.

She kept her eyes shut for a long time and he started to believe she was asleep.

-Why? -She murmured.

-Because whatever it was, it broke you, and I wanna know if there's something I can do about it. -He explained.

She thought for a while, trying to decide if she was ready to tell him. He could read it in her face and sighed in frustration.

-It's about me, isn't it? -He kept his eyes on the road so he didn't see her shaking her head slightly.

-I wish it had been about you, but it wasn't. -She looked away through the window. -I should testify again. I remembered what happened about the subway attempt…

Ryan's eyes widened as he glanced at her and exhaled hard.

-Did you help them? -He said after some thought. -If you did, you don't need to tell anyone about it. Your sessions are confidential and I'm not telling on you. You shouldn't provide proof against yourself.

-You'd commit perjury for me? -She looked at him with a puzzled expression. -Why would you lie on my behalf? Why would you risk your credibility over me?

-I wouldn't be lying, I'd be omitting. Those are different. -She noticed he had dodged her question. -Besides, there's no point in dragging you as his partner if you didn't have the intention to help him. It's unfair that you'd get punished for something he forced you to do.

She knew he was making up excuses to protect her.

-I helped him only with the code. And I didn't know what I was helping him with when I did. -She looked down. -Did you know you met me that morning?

-No I didn't. -He shook his head. -I was far away from that station that day.

-Yes, but you did. You were quite rude too. -She crossed her arms. -I was under hypnosis and you said I was a “stupid teenager” and that I was “fucking high”.

-That does sound like me. -He sneered. -But I would remember you immediately if I saw your face.

She just glared at him.

-Must be a false memory. -He concluded.

-It wasn't. Corey was there, he talked to me, and Roy, although I didn't see him. -She sighed. -Something had happened in a building near Classon Avenue…

-Ok, that might not be a false memory, but I certainly didn't see you. -He frowned. -I'd remember it.

-Apparently not. -She shrugged. -Maybe you started to care about my existence only after you associated me with Daniel.

-I recognized you immediately when I saw your pixelated picture in a blog post, Belle. I would certainly recognize you if I saw you standing in front of me. -He shook his head. -Anyway, if you didn't help him we could implement your testimony, it might be helpful.

She just nodded.

-Is there some evidence you gathered that has some sort of code in it? -Something told her she should share that part with him, even though it might harm her.

-A bunch of them, but we couldn't crack it's cipher yet. Why? -He tapped on the wheel. -Lucas is working on them, don't worry.

-I can read them. -She pressed her lips. -I don't know why or how I do that, but I can read the codes.

Ryan stared at her longer than intended and had to turn the wheel abruptly at a curve.