A gathering of midget side stories. They need to be crushed~

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by Gandire Alea, Jun 26, 2018.

  1. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

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    These stories are getting full of themselves and need humility shoved down their throats. Yank them around, slap them, grind them into the mud, do what you need to show them just how much work they still need before their idealized beauty.
    So, as the title says, this is a gathering of short stories. None of them should go over a page.

    Title: An Angel’s Thesis
    #1

    #3
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    #12
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2019
  2. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

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    Here’s the first post~

    Dirt mixed with sweat is smeared across Aiden’s face. He’s covered in it from his black hair all the way down to his feet. In some places, green leaves or flower petals cling to him. Yet, despite his filth, excitement radiates from his dark eyes and anticipation laces his voice as he says, “Hey, hey, are you free? Can you help me out with something really quick?”

    Deeper in the woods within a small clearing sits a lone, light grey, boulder. Carved into the ground around it is a magic circle with a diameter of 3 meters. Rocks and sticks are patterned on key areas of the circle making it three dimensional.

    The man Aiden brought with him says, “How’d that rock get here? It isn’t from this part of the island.”

    Aiden gives a halfhearted, “I rolled it,” as he leaps from the edge of the magic circle onto the rock. He looks over the circle and grins upon finding it flawless. “Alright, let’s get started.”

    The man looks from the circle to Aiden. Aiden isn’t just covered in dirt, various cuts and scrapes run along his arms. He didn’t clear the field and make the circle with alchemy, he did everything by hand. “What do you need me to do?”

    Aiden’s grin laces his voice with mirth. Overflowing excitement causes him to gesture with his arms as he speaks. “You just need to pour some mana into the circle and activate it.”

    “That’s all?”

    “No helping it. I don’t have any mana.”

    A faint smile crosses the man's face as he looks Aiden over. “You’re the scholarship student everyone’s been talking about this past year.”

    Aiden’s glee falls at the remark. “The ascension ritual was a failure.” At the man’s back take, he adds, “Sure, I survived, but the whole point of that that ritual was so I could get mana.”

    The man chuckles with a, “And now you’re here.”

    Aiden shrugs. “This spell is designed to draw mana from the surroundings and funnel it into my body here in the center.”

    Approval laces the man’s voice as he says, “How tenacious, but why not ask Camilla for help? Isn’t she the one who over saw your ascension ritual?”

    Aiden gives a flat, “She’s busy.”

    The man then approaches the magic circle’s edge with an, “I see,” and activates it.

    The lines Aiden dug into the dirt emit a faint white light as mana is channeled into the circle. Once the circle shines, the sticks and rocks placed on top of it glow red. Branches shake and leaves rustle as a funneling pull forms around Aiden on the boulder.

    Aiden hunches over from surprise. Exhilaration courses through his body as mana builds within its seven chakra points. Their warm pulses give him a soothing sense of completion. He feels like a bird finding his wings. The initial shock on his face melts into a grin that breaks with laughter. Then, right when he’s ready to soar, they’re clipped.

    Anger distorts his mirth and frustration laces his tone as he glares at the man. “What gives? It was working! Why’d you stop?”

    The man shakes his head. “Your spell wasn’t drawing mana from its surroundings, it was taking it from me.”

    Aiden clicks his tongue, but doesn’t retort. He scrutinizes his circle from atop of the boulder to search for what he needs to change. His scowl and clenched teeth, the jerks of his head as he looks left and right, and his incoherent mutterings display the depths of his frustration, but he remains undeterred. His eyes burn with the desire to acquire mana.

    The man, impressed by Aiden’s attitude, says, “It’s a known fact that spell casters produce mana within their own bodies. Even if the mana is used up, it will refill itself. The crown, third eye, throat, heart, solar plexus, spleen, and root are always producing mana inside of spell casters. Something like this, drawing mana in from your surroundings, this is practically heresy from the common world view. How’d you come up with such an idea?”

    Aiden, focused with analyzing his circle, gives the man half his attention as he says. “It was just a thought. According to shintoism, animals like foxes and raccoons gain magical abilities after living for a long period of time. Under certain conditions, the same can apply to inanimate objects too. The best known example is swords gaining souls after 100 years.

    “That’s when I thought about trees. They’re everywhere and have also been around longer than us. Can they gain souls, become sentient, and wield magic? According to my research, yes, they’re called treants. So, my hypothesis, do trees gain the ability to use magic after their souls, or could they always use magic but lacked the ability to do so because they didn’t have souls to make them sentient? If the latter, then I should be able to syphon the mana for myself.”

    “Hoo, interesting, interesting. A perfect example of innovation out of desperation. However, you’ve made a mistake.”

    Aiden looks away from the magic circle and gives the man his full attention. “Really, what, where?”

    “I’m not a spell caster. I am one of the normal humans brought to this island to help keep it operational.”

    Aiden’s taken aback at the remark. “What? But didn’t you just channel mana?” He leaps off the bolder towards the man at his nod. He leans towards him with hope, desperation, and anticipation all over his face. “How?”

    “You’ll become of my students?”

    “Please, teach me!”

    The man nods and gestures for Aiden to follow him back onto the path. As they walk, the man says, “If you wish to learn under me, then you will refer to me as Sifu. Is this clear?”

    “Yes, Sifu.”

    Tell me what you think~
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2018
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  3. waG9

    waG9 Active Member

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    what do you mean can you elaborate? was there a problem applying relativity to quantum mechanic without it?
    or you meant something else by relativity maybe...
     
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  4. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

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    This part assumes knowledge on the readers end. In real life, the unification of quantum mechanics and relativity is something scientists have been trying to discover for years. But, do you think that’s something I should expand upon in the setting??
    Thanks for your input~
     
  5. waG9

    waG9 Active Member

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    Well i assumed this story's raison d'être was to promote the idea that if we used fengsui we could figure it out. I'm not really fan of fengsui myself, i get the feeling somewhere along the way someone messed it up. It's similar with how scientists have problems right now. Someone messed up and everyone follows repeating the same mistake. I mean wth with trying to fit gravity into the equation like this. (even if you really need to use it as is, you can't just use one aspect of it ignoring the other and hope it will work)
    when smart people make mistakes it's usually them confusing cause and effect.
    well relativity works in quantum systems just fine, otherwise there would be nothing, (things wouldn't even have dimensions).
    and when it comes to understanding those aspects i think yoga is a better bet.
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2018
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  6. waG9

    waG9 Active Member

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    ups!! sorry, guess i kinda went on a rant in your thread.:censored: better delete it i guess

    or better make it relevant.
    I think that concept of using short stories to share your thought about various matters is very interesting. much better then a plain diary type of blog and more entertaining then stating just dry opinion.

    I totally forgot to address the matter of protagonist failing because he couldn't control his subconscious mind and things he could do if he achieves it but let's leave it as i would produce a wall of text here and i have work to do.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2018
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  7. isecai

    isecai Well-Known Member

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    I think your prose itself is readable and enjoyable. But, there's no hook. If I'm going to start reading a series, I'll be looking for some hook in the story. Whether it's an interesting setting/premise, or a relatable character, or a goal that I can look forward to.

    There's something unique in your setting---all those fengshui and quantum physics at the same place---but everything is too sudden and out of nowhere. And not only that, even how those two concepts work in your universe is something that you need to build in the readers' mind instead of assuming we all know what you're saying. My brain isn't capable of high tech speech, I'm afraid.

    The second chapter is better, but still no hook and the suddenness is startling.

    Well, I'm sure you'll only keep improving from now on though. Good luck in your writing!
     
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  8. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

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    Ack, sorry. These are just side stories that accompany the main story: https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/4166559/
    Thank you for your honesty~
     
  9. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

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    And here is the third short story. If anyone wonders how I get these out so fast, it isn't because I am sacrificing translation time. I just happen to have a bit of waiting time at work. I can't translate there, so I turned to this. Tell me what you think, and be brutally honest~

    The door slams shut as Aiden rushes into his dorm room and flings it behind himself. He had spent the whole day wondering how he’d get genetic material from a girl when he saw one throw out an unfinished slice of pizza. He now holds that half-eaten slice as though it’s the Holy Grail as he dashes towards and half crashes into his desk. He looks down at the open note book and reviews the most recent draft of a spell he created.

    He assures himself of the process and puts the pizza into his mouth, but stops before biting down. He sets a small plate from one of his drawers on the desk and then resumes his spell. He bites down on the cold pizza on an area already bitten by the previous owner, sets it down, and then forms a hand seal by wrapping his left hand over the first two fingers of his right hand. He then shifts to other hand seals such as clamped hands with interlocked fingers, hands open with spread fingers while the index and thumb are touching, and the left fist cupped within the right hand while the right thumb overlaps the left thumb. “Inverse chromosomes from circumspect to susceptible by referenced ingestion.”

    Aiden’s body glows with a blinding, neon blue, light which soon fades to reveal a slim, girl version, of himself. Her shirt drapes over her body while her shorts barely cling to her hips. Everything shifts around as she walks to her desk and looks down at the spell. “This is horrible. What the heck was I thinking?”

    She crosses out various instructions while saying, “Making the body lean towards femininity through hand seals is a waste of time. In Daoism, the left hand represents Yin and femininity is an aspect of that.”

    She writes, Cupping the left hand over the right hand is symbolic of femininity over coming masculinity. Combine Greek alchemy’s decomposition with fengsui to isolate the injected X chromosome.

    “No, that’s also off. As long as the DNA relates to becoming a girl, it’ll also be left undamaged. This will do more than change a few of my parts, it’ll rewrite my entire biochemistry.”

    She flips the page and continues, “How did I think chanting would be a good idea. I’m ingesting foreign DNA. I need my mouth for chewing.” After a few more notes, she simplifies the spell with and exchanges it with a compatible, internal magic circle. “And that should replicate the foreign DNA with a body wide illusion, fengsui will guide those strands into every cell of my body while another spell suppresses the original strands of those DNA sequences. Eastern alchemy will then restructure my body accordingly with the guidance of fengsui.”

    She flips the page to the instructions for cancelling the spell. With a sigh and a shudder, she says, “Seriously, what was I thinking? I’d die a horrible death where all my cells dissolve from the inside leaving me as a puddle of goop on the floor.”

    Aiden comes up with two methods of returning back into being a man. The first is clasping the right hand over the left and with an internal magic circle, release the illusion creating the foreign DNA. The second involves clasping anti-magic metal between her hands. The material will react by interrupting the magic circle and continue into the body where it will also release the magically bound foreign DNA. The second method will save mana by removing the "illusionary DNA" without the need of a spell. I knew I should have brought a sheet with me… I need to ask Kairi to send me some.

    Editing the two spells takes her little more than an hour. The entirety of it, she passes standing hunched over her desk. Only once finished does she straighten her back and stretch her arms. A relieved sigh escapes her as various bones pop. Then, while rolling her neck, she notices her binder of synthesized spells. “Those are going to need a look over…”

    Editing the spells in the binder takes a few hours. None of the spells require major editing, but minor tweaking let her improve the mana efficiency of some by a decimal. I need to remember to retype these later.

    She is so immersed in her work that she unconsciously finishes the pizza she planned on saving for future experiments.

    Aiden spends the next four days crafting spells she had rolling around her head, but had been unable to figure out until then. She only stops working because she notices a strange smell in the air. She looks around and spots cups of instant food piled in the sink. Can’t be, I made sure to rinse them.

    She catches another whiff of the odor upon turning around. With an inquisitive frown, she looks down, lifts her collar, and sniffs. It’s me?

    A quick glance in the mirror reveals that she is a mess. While her expression teems with energy and adrenaline, a sense of ragged exhaustion seeps out from underneath. Her cheeks are lined with smudges of food while her shirt is stained with different types of broth. I did pretty much just gobbled whatever as fast as I could whenever I decided to eat. Actually, did I eat today? I think I did…

    She then realizes that she’s wearing the same unfitting outfit from when she first transformed. “No wonder I stink. I only created this spell to see if one sex is better at magic than the other, but this body’s brain is amazing.”

    Aiden opens a window to ventilate her room. She then heads towards her field. The academy grounds are oddly deserted, Actually, I’m the one who’s skipping…

    “Whatever, it’s not like they actually expect much out of me.

    A sly grin then crosses her face. Not to mention, I’m way too valuable for them to expel in the first place.

    Aiden concludes her tests around midnight. With a spell to illuminate her surroundings, she records her findings on a tablet. She notes everything underneath her experiment logs.

    Men don’t have any particular advantage when it comes to magic. They are, however, able to utilize strengthening spells to greater effect due to naturally having higher physical capabilities. If men have a strength level of 10 and women have a strength level of 9, a fivefold increase would yield strength levels of 50 and 45 respectively. Magic based around strength would be affected accordingly.

    Women, on the other hand, are better at preforming magic than men, but only at night and when it relates to outer space. As long as it involves the stars, celestial bodies, or even a comet that’s just streaking by, a woman caster will consume less mana and conjure something much more potent.

    “Maybe I can turn this in next year as my third year graduation thesis?”

    Aiden packs away her tablet and begins back for her room. “Guess I’ll take a shower now…”

    Realization strikes Aiden’s face as she stops and cups her chest. Ten fingers press into a pair of soft, small bulges. Bright red colors her face as she realizes she’s a girl. I was so caught up with everything that I never noticed!

    The few delusions of exploring her new body make her blush ever harder. She shakes her head while saying, “No, no, no! Forget it! I’ll just turn back!”

    She then freezes upon realizing what that would mean. Girl me is way smarter than boy me! No, no, it’s okay, I still have that pizza. I can just cast this spell again later.
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2018
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  10. waG9

    waG9 Active Member

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    ohh, i completely missed that those were part of a story
    makes sense since they are called side stories not an anthology of short stories to present some concepts.
    i wasn't thinking... i reflect.

    about stories themselves, i don't think it's such big matter -and i honestly got used to it (almost) while reading translations- but repetitive use of the same word always strikes me with this feeling of wrongness. Like 'his' appearing x3 in one sentence is a bit -i don't know how to call it.

    do you want mistakes pointed out?
    like: The man looks at the circle to Aiden.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2018
  11. Ddraig

    Ddraig Frostfire Dragon|Retired lurker|FFF|Loved by RNG

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    That was interesting tho there was a bit too much bs about how that works
     
  12. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

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    If you’d be willing to point them out, yes please. But more than that, I more interested in the overall impression.
    Thank you~
     
  13. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

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    X.x. That stuff is half the fun~
     
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  14. Ddraig

    Ddraig Frostfire Dragon|Retired lurker|FFF|Loved by RNG

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    The most fun were the last three paragraphs *cough*
     
  15. waG9

    waG9 Active Member

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    some like to be given details... some don't.
    i guess you have to decide on your target audience, since trying to please everyone will... maybe it will work who knows.

    (...)He’s covered in it from his black hair all the way down to his feet. In some places, green leaves or flower petals cling to him. Yet, despite his filth, excitement radiates from his dark eyes and anticipation laces his voice as he says(...) so many his in here maybe try to use different word like maybe -Yet, Despite the filth- etc

    Deeper in the woods (maybe ad , here) within a small clearing sits a lone, dresser sized,(get this one out) rock(...)
    (...)are patterned on
    (in?)key areas of the circle(, or maybe ; better? but no need i guess i'm just crazy ) making it three dimensional.

    The man Aiden brought with him says,(why comma here? and in front of other spoken parts ) “How’d that rock get here? It isn’t from this part of the island.”

    The man looks at
    (yeah in not so sure about it)the circle to Aiden.

    (...)various cuts and scrapes run (something's missing: along? or something instead of run)his arms.

    (...)He gesture(s) with his arms out of excit(e)ment as he says, “You just need to pour in some mana (comma or scrap the first in, guess i'm being to S) into the circle and activate it.”

    well stuff like this... but i'm just being unreasonable i guess. better go edit my work before criticizing others, so i stop here.


    Wasn't channeling that mana into him dangerous -there was the risk of death before in the ritual? and he just agreed to use an unknown spell formation? i better check the story before i comment on this
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2018
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  16. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

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    Thanks for pointing those out for me. I’m gonna go check the version I posted and see how many of those slipped into the final draft >.>. As for whether it dangerous, I want to say no, but considering this is the first time he’s trying anything like it, he doesn’t actually know?? Well, people would take precautions and make the needed calculations before testing, so there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. Aiden is also extremely confident in himself~
    Once more, thank’s for helping~
     
  17. GonZ555

    GonZ555 What i want for christmas is you

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    Hmm.. so he became a female ninja..
    1 question, didn't he transform using the flawed spell? Is he going to turn into goop? Also can he transform back to his male self without ingesting his original DNA?

    Oops not just 1 question..
    Ps: since i don't know how to give input about writing style, i'm delving into the story itself~
     
  18. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

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    He didn’t transform with the flawed spell. He made corrections in the side story right after trasnforming. Those corrections are also desplyed here. Although, it’s possible that thsoe corrections were applied in the final draft that ended up being posted and weren’t preformed on the NUF SS section.
    I love hearing about cretiwues on the story. Please don’t hold back~
     
  19. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

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    And I totally misread what your question said. He transformed used a flawed spell, but the flaw was that it wasn’t the best it could be. Returning back is a different story. It’s a different spell that’s indipendant of the gender bending spell. He also already has the genetic material needed to turn back into a man. Turning into a woman only supresses the male DNA, it doesn’t erase it. Now he just needs to release it. The female DNA will be lost in the porcess tho
     
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  20. waG9

    waG9 Active Member

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    i don't get how dispelling the effect with anti-magic metal would turn him back without mana consumption.
    unless that how it works in their world, and this reality is completely different from ours.
    i mean this spell has to do so much more then just substitute his original dna with a new one.
    it has to completely reconstruct most of his body, or magically switch his body for the one that fits the dna- taken from gods know where.
    i'm pretty sure just inserting different dna to all cells will at most get you cancer unless you force all cells to change themselves -or start to divide all at once, then die leaving behind a new body.
    and don't get me started on the body parts that can't do so.
    well unless it is a borrowed body and getting it is like a buff that can be canceled -that means he only thinks he changes the dna and magic does things as it wants behind his back
    like; there is this mysterious being X, that governs magic and assists people. it watches and sees - "oh this guy is trying to turn into a girl by inserting foreign dna into his cells, i better do something before this madman kills himself. Let's just switch his body for a new one when he cant see. it will be his for the spell duration -i know lets add some fancy blue light... "

    etc etc.
    it's just me being me, but as phd in fantasy theory of imaginary university i can't let it slide.
    trying to explain to much can sometimes work against you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2018
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