Discussion A Prologue of my story...i'm improving?

Well i posted another story prologue like 2 days ago and my grammar is shit there...but this time i took my time and completely practice typing for the past few day
Without further ado
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The Azuriq Realm a piece of land broken apart of the chaos space, a land of mortals and immortals, where abilities and powers is as common as the stars in the boundless space.

Across the realm there is Monarch’s a person above everyone else, an existence that can shake the realm.

300 years ago the a Monarch named Orchid released a seeded fear into the minds of humanity, the 7 hell.

It brings great reminder towards mortal that not all can become powerful, not all could survive the epitome of death, and not all could gain freedom.

Towards the Monarch only one person stood against her, the Monarch of Nothing Fan Chao, he appeared only to disappear, he appeared not because of saving humanity, but simply releasing the shackle to mortal freedom.

“Mortal’s you do not need to thank me, you do not need to shower me in praise, only accept the condition to build a nation that can protect the weak, build sect that could accept lower destined mortal, and abolish the thought of conquering the weak”

-=-300 years later - = -

Towards the condition of the Monarch Fan Chao, a nation is build, hundreds of sect is established and prominent sect soared to the world

But, the condition to conquering the talentless, the condition to abolish the thought of conquering the weak is not yet accepted to the society of the powerful.

Thousands of talentless individuals continue to seek power, to seek glory and fame, to seek eternity of happiness but alas they all failed, because they are predestined to lose towards the end.

In the wilderness, a man could be seen working although the man is not breathtakingly handsome and elegant but he seemed to be surprisingly noble and powerful, his hair and eyes is jet black while his arm seemed to be possessing quite a bit of strength.

“Hmm it seemed that this fruit is quite delicious and ripe” the man eyes reveal a hint of happiness as he muttered

“This grape is unusable, this tomato is ripe, this thingy is has spot colored orange so it’s bad, Hmm? Oh a ripe durian, nice!” the man fist bump the air and exclaim with some excitement

“Oh there’s a lot to farm…it’ll be quite enough to survive for another 3 month, money saving at its finest muahahah” the man laughed excitingly

The man entered a hut, the hut Is unlike the man appearance seemed ladylike and almost full of lovely flower.

“This goes here and that goes there…this durian is for her, it’s smelly but she seemed to like it” the man smiled while mumbling

“Slice here…and here, oh it’s smelly but delicious” the man smilingly said as he appeared at the living room he sit down and looked at…

“Hmm let’s eat shall we, Xiu’er?” the man looked at the picture and a pair of sword beside the urn full of ashes

“Xiu’er you once said that I need to live peacefully, that I need to live without ever needing to fight, that’s why you planted all these tree’s and some farm animals around us…but Xiu’er this world need changing, and I myself want to change the world” the man exclaim loudly and smacked the table

“If this world stay’s the same for another millennia then I can’t bear to make people go through what we’ve been through…I want to get stronger and make those people who refuse to help us when we’re in dire time kneel before me!” the man seemed to be enrage while speaking

“And for my selfish need’s I want to uncover who you really are, for all our years of our life together I’ve never spoken to you about this” the man gently muttered

“Without your affection…without your love, and without your gentle touch, my mind is in disorder, it’s like I’m going crazy.”

The man stood up and kissed the photo of the woman, and swore to himself

‘I the undying Ai Shun will always protect our place, and will always monopolize your touch and smile to myself, so that’s why I will conquer the world for you’

Ai shun grabbed the woman’s sword and proceeded to walk out of the hut

‘I already swore to myself to protect you 130 years ago and I swore a moment ago to conquer this world, but I currently want to swear to myself, to find your family and ask them for why do they abandon you, for why did they let you die, and for me to not be able to smell your scent and touch your face anymore, I will kill them!’


The end of prologue, it’s a short one and probably have a lot of grammar mistake or just all around not understandable but…I’m 15 I still have a long way to go before becoming fluent.

Below I’ll put a spoiler of why Ai Shun seemed to be an immortal and his information

 

Spoiler: Ai Shun Info

At birth he grows

At the age of 7 he continue to grows

At the age of 14 he stay’s growing

At the age of 21 he stopped

The law of the world reject’s him, the life of other’s continue.

Death reject’s the man Ai Shun

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I don't have the story for why he gained immortality but i'm guessing it's why Xiulan died

Main character (Ai Shun)

His hair is beautiful, his eye is beautiful black and his face is that of not caring about the world

The main character is extremely possessive of his wives and will kill anyone who touch them

The main character is one of ‘I don’t give a shit’ but is innocent and naïve as a be

The main character want’s the female protagonist’s affection to the point of becoming yandere.

So key point here is that I want to make a seemingly innocent but extremely yandere protagonist

-Yandere

-Extreme desire of affection after his first wife died

-At the start of the series he is weak…but is not ordinary weak, because he is immortal, an absolute immortal unlike cultivator, he can’t die even if he is grinded to dust he’ll still live

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Oh and the first part of the story is just a stupid world building, ignore it and focus on the second if you want.

I'll probably improve over time...come on i'm 15! there's 5 years until 20 i can create like 1000 chapter's if i wanted to.

 

Just realized that i switched to sudden 3 month lolololol, ignore the food part unless you find it cute.

 

Too many information dump imo.
Some words doesn't really need an apostrophe (') for the s. And you should stick to past tense in my opinion.

 

What is the name of your book

 

And your schedule

 

?????

 

What is the name of your book

 

Hey, edited the first part of your story. Imo, you need to save the info dump until its fitting to pop up. The start of the story, you need to attract the reader. An info dump won't attract the readers attention and will, instead, turn them off from your story. Try picking an interesting character to talk about in the prologue instead. I think your story's plot is interesting though. It has potential.






The Azuriq Realm, a piece of land broken apart of the chaos space. Its a land scattered with mortals and immortals. A land where abilities and powers are as common as stars in the boundless space.

Across the realm there exists Monarchs, people above everyone else, an existence that can shake the realm.

300 years ago, a Monarch named Orchid released a seeded fear into the minds of humanity, the 7 hells.

It brought a great reminder towards mortals that not just anyone can become powerful, not just anyone could survive the epitome of death, and not just anyone could gain freedom.

Towards the Monarch, only one person stood against her, the Monarch of Nothing Fan Chao. He appeared only to disappear. He appeared, not to save humanity, but to simply release the shackle to mortal freedom.

“You mortals have no need to thank me. Do not need to shower me in praise. You need only to build a nation that can protect the weak. Build sects that accept lower destined mortals, and abolish the thought of conquering the weak”

-=-300 years later - = -

Towards the condition of the Monarch Fan Chao, a nation is built. Hundreds of sect became established and a prominent sect soared through the world.

But, the condition to conquering the talentless, the condition to abolish the thought of conquering the weak was never accepted to the society of the strong.

Thousands of talentless individuals continue to seek power, to seek glory and fame, to seek eternity of happiness, but, alas, they all failed. They were predestined to lose towards the end.

In the wilderness, a man could be seen working. Although the man is not breathtakingly handsome, he seemed to be surprisingly noble and powerful. His hair and eyes a jet black while his arm seemed to be possess quite a bit of strength.

“Hmm, it seems that this fruit is quite delicious and ripe” the man's eyes reveal a hint of happiness as he mutters.

“This grape is unusable, this tomato is ripe, this tree (don't use thingy in a story plz) has a spot colored orange so it’s bad. Hmm? Oh a ripe durian, nice!” the man punches the air and exclaims with some excitement

“Oh there’s a lot to farm…it’ll be quite enough to survive for another 3 months, money saving at its finest muahahah” the man laughs excitingly

The man enters a hut. The hut is unlike the man's appearance and appeared ladylike, almost lovely, like a flower.

“This goes here and that goes there…this durian is for her, it’s smelly but she seemed to like it” the man smiles while mumbling

 

Sorry and thank you for the advice, the info dump is just there because its there? i mean the reason why i posted this on this forum instead of carefully edit it out is because i wanted some bare bone unedited advice from you guys

 

Heaven's Mistake

Don't have schedule i'm still a highschooler so its hard to write this without busying myself with school, i guess randomly or maybe 4 per week.

 

Yeah i'll improve on that, hmm...yeah i also think that the (') is useless and hard to use plus its unattractive.

 

Thanks for the mistake correcting, i know the info dump is shit but hey....i'll improve

 

'twas Nice...Keep at it