An original Web Novel that I may make....

Rather than a copy, it's more like you are inserting your characters in overlord's premise?
Must you use the fact that it was a online game that's dying? It's part of the reason why it's too similar to overlord.
Only take the most crucial idea (owning a city) and work your way around it maybe?
How about him being a game designer and was in the process of developing a new game?
Could also forget about "game" and try for a more realistic setting.
that aside
job class: [Black Flame Sword God] <--- I'm sorry but this name gave me goosebumps
for names...well, as an example:
Ainz's spell [La shub niggurath] is actually the name of a deity in H.P LoveCraft horror stories.
If you like fire... I'm just gonna quote a line from wiki here:
Yomagn'tho[edit]
Yomagn’tho (The Feaster from the Stars, That Which Relentlessly Waits Outside) is a malevolent being who wishes nothing more than the destruction of mankind for unknown reasons. He waits in his home dimension in Pherkard, until he is summoned to Earth. When first summoned, Yomagn’tho appears as a small ball of fire that quickly expands to a large circle of fire with three flaming inner petals. The reptilian burrowing folk, the Rhygntu, are known to worship this malignant deity

not saying you should use this, but it might be nice to look around for better ideas

Overlord was so good because the author gave a lot of thoughts and research into his books

 

Try to start it at the this Lines. "I Remember when......." Or "Do you Remember when?" It's a good way to start an origin story.

"I remember when this game just started we used to do things this way "
"Now look at how far we've come, this world is ending yet i wish there was more. I miss those times we bla bla bla i'll never forget those"
I don't write though. It just feels better that way.

 

Thanks for the feedback! Gonna have to re write chapter 1 I guess, Also I totally agree! To be honest the intro of the prologue felt really awkward to me, so making the MC remi.

Thanks! I just really liked hte whole premise of Overlord and I thought Hey! Yeah I know ;^; its a straight rip off of overlord. I guess I'd have to do some re writing. Also yes I'm an absolute amatuer since its my first work sorry about that~

i know, and yeah I was really stupid not coming up with proper names for the city >.< Well I'll try to fix that and I'll post a "PROPER"(hopefully) prologue. And yeah the chunnibyou-ish feel? I feel it, not gonna lie I felt it too but since It while writting the first chapter onwards but found it was just too troublesome to think of proper names at the time, other than the main characters, I thought that no one would notice but i thought wrong lel. Also your harsh criticism is very much welcomed! It helps point out things that i was too blind to see example are the names and all~

 

I think one of the mistake people often make is that they follow inspiration from 1 single novel. your ideas will be locked into that closed box.
Might be a good idea to look around for more source materials? you won't be able to write good things relying on your imagination alone. Especially when that imagination is heavily influenced by one single story.
With enough research you might find write something even better than overlord
just a thought

 

Its just the first chapter tho..... However I see your point. But I have yet to expand the world building of this so yeah. I plan to make just the beginning similar and branch of in a completely different path from it as Ive stated before in one of my replies.

 

OKAY! so I've began my royal road journey heres the link the novel!http://royalroadl.com/fiction/5848
for those too lazy heres the rewrite version of it! The area names are now different plus theres been a rewrite on the whole beginning! Hopefully it is satisfactory ;^;

Prologue



“Shit....”(???)


In a room that can only be considered as just passable in terms of living conditions, a middle-aged man in his early 40s with a frustrated look comes into view.


With black hair and looks that can be considered average along with simple clothing bought from a local market, he is a person that you can find just about anywhere.


“Those bastards, to think that after declining their offer after a couple hundred time they’d finaly lose their patience.... Damn, and they’re summoning their whole alliance?! Fuck!”(???)


The man cursed madly like a sailor the more he read the forum thread on his monitor.


[ Summoning all guild of the [Red Sun Alliance]!

By Setting_Sun

My fellow guild members! I call upon you all to attack the fortress of a bastard named Renya! He who has offended and humiliated our [Red Sun Alliance] time and time again! I as one of the founders of the alliance cannot stand for this injustice and that we must strike back tenfolds! Gather near the entrance of [Green Hallow Plains] before noon, and prepare to attack his fortress.]


“Truly shameless! They even placed this call of arms in a public forum? Are those bastards doing this to humiliate me further? Most likely after killing me they must have planned on capturing the city for themselves, Like I’m gonna let that happen!”


As he scrolled downward he read a few of the posts in the forum


[Kishe_:

-The hell did he do to piss you guys off?


Setting_Sun:

-Bastard dare Humiliate us after we invited him to our Alliance!


Strider497:

-Thats it? That’s quite unreasonable you know?


Red_Star94:

-Whose being unreasonable!? That Bastard Renya is!....]


There were more posts below but he decided not to view anymore, afraid he might faint from too much anger.


With his eyes almost bloodshot from anger, he stood up and picked up a cellphone beside the monitor. Then sent a text mesage. He then proceeded to go around his room cleaning the whole place then sitting back down on his chair near his desk, picking up a helmet like object.


It was the year 2578 AD an age where technology has reached a point where VRMMORPGs are made into reality. VRMMORPG being an acronym for <Virtual Reality Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game> is a term used for games where a person can play in a virtual reality world by putting on a

[VR-Drive]. A device that connects to the brain via electronic waves letting a person experience Virtual reality.


[Alt Online] A highly acclaimed VRMMORPG that had dominated the market for years, thanks to its unbelievable creation kit that allows the player to create anything they wanted as long as they had the materials for it. Thanks to this even after a few decades of being released the game still manages to gain more and more players each day. Truly a game that captivated the heart of people everywhere.


“Heh I already sent a text to my boss, those bastards, making me use of of my few LOA (Leave of Absence) that I can barely get once a year, I’m gonna make them pay!”(???)


The [Red Sun Alliance], a famous guild well known for its threats and viscous counter attacks. They rule many small areas all around the world of [Alt Online]. They are also infamous thanks to the way they act, Bullying the weak, Fearing the strong. In the case with Renya, he repeatedly refused their invitation of joining them in multiple ocassions, causing a great ammount of tension between the two.



*VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


As he was about to put on the [VR-Drive] he stopped halfway as he picked up the phone that was vibrating from his shorts


"Hello?"(???)


[Renya! Do you have any idea what time it is!?](???)


A mans panicked shout answered back. With a voice that can be neither be described as too young nor too old


"It's 11:00 AM, what about it?"(Renya)


Renya replied in a calm manner


[What about it? Thats exactly it! If the Madame finds out you're late she'll cut my salary along with yours you know!](???)


"Calm down Luke I've already asked for a LOA, so rest assured."(Renya)


[Realy!?!? Did she approve of it?](Luke)


"Yeah she already did, you can ask her yourself if you want"(Renya)


[No thank you! I'll call you if anything comes up, anyways ciao~!](Luke)


"...*sigh"(Renya)


He continued where he left off as he puts on the [VR-Drive].


In an instant he was greeted by the login menu of [Alt Online], a keyboard like hologram appeared as he began to login in to his account. The log in ended without problems and he was greeted by the game system's voice as the game loaded.


[Welcome back To Alt Online!]


A voice rang into his ears as his face had a tinge of impatience.


"Skip!"(Renya)


He said while his character is being loaded into an area that was all too familiar to him


A grand room with dark walls that are polished to shine like jade, black pillars that looked grand, a clean carpet that was red like a scarlet flame, a pitch black colored throne that gave an extremely ominous feel and ornaments that gave the room the impression that this was indeed a throne room.


The reasons as to why it was familiar to him is that he's been here been here countless times, and the fact that this area has been built personally by himself.


"Everything looks in order. Seems like they’ve yet to make their move"(Renya)


Renya opened a hologram like window then closed it before looking around a bit admiring the interior of the throne room that he personally created. His eyes landed on a mirror with a beautiful frame out of coinsidence.


What he saw was a young man whose height reached around 1.93 meters with a face that looked as if he just reached his mid teens with faint hints of childishness left wearing a simple white polo and black pants, which was considered as common clothes for <City Folk> in [Alt Online]. This was his character as well as what he looked like 23 years ago.


Atop his character was a hologram that read [lvl 200<Renya>] and below that was his job class, [Black Flame Sword God],


“Been a while since I looked at myself in the mirror. Heh heh I used to be so handsome back...”


His sentence stopped halfway as he realized that he was just about to make a foolish remark


Renya stared at himself for a few moments before proceeding to the massive 4.5 meter tall door at the entrance. He gave it a light push only opening it just enough so that he can squeeze through, then closing it tightly after walking through.


As Renya turned around he saw four long rows of black armored men standing in a wide hallway that had the same design as the previous room, each of them had a hologram above their heads read as [lvl 130<Nocturnal Citadel Elite Guard>] hovering on top of each of them


All of them wearing similar black colored armor with the same insignia of a dragon head at the right chest symbolizing that they are a single NPC unit.


After sending a second glance at the guards Renya proceeded to walk to the end of the hall then turned right. He ended up on a balcony with black colored railings with each rail having a chiseled design of a dragon. He walked forward then leaned his body against the railings


"This city... as lifeless as always... Never mind that, the attack!"(Renya)


Renya let out a voice of complaint that expressed his helplessness, however he quickly removed that thought as he remembered that the city was about to be attacked.


[Titan City] is an enormous player made floating city built on top (hovering) of a large mountain range. The city is filled with NPCs that Renya himself created. It was this city which took him 18 years to build that he took pride in. It was such a grand structure that even a few of the [Server Overseer] admired it. However it was also thanks to this that the [Red Sun Alliance] has their eyes on it.


The city itself had a diameter of 10,000m with 250m tall black walls surrounding, it is divided into 3 areas as well as an underground area, each with an inner layer and outer layer,


The [Inner/Outer City Folk housing]

· [Inner]

Where most of the <Titan City Folk> live. The area consists of a large amount of housing with buildings that grow taller the closer it is to the Citadel as well as a few number of stores here and there.

· [Outer]

Where food production and storage takes place. The area has 3 large farms that plant and store crops all year round, a functioning lake that connects to the city’s main river sytem and a large ranch that seve as housing for mounts and the likes,






The [Inner/Outer Crafting Stations]

· [Inner]

The area contains a large number of forges and warehouses, it is also where dwarves reside and where items such as armor and weapons are developed. In the middle of this area is where the [Black Iron Furnace] can be found.

· [Outer]

The area Consists of an enormous circular building which is where potions and magic items are manufactured and stored and a small field for testing out the items. This area is also where clothing as well as food crafted items is made.


The [Inner/Outer Military Division]

· [Inner]

The area is filled with a large number of identical square houses where Generals and soldier reside, it also has a medium sized field where soldier can perform Morning drills and the likes. This is also where the [Abyssal Prison] can be found.

· [Outer]

Where Soldier training takes place, The area Consists of a large rectangular building and a large open field for the purpose of simulating sorties and skirmishes.


The [1st/2nd Layer Underground Facilities]

· [1st Layer]

Where dark elves and other demon races reside. This is also where the assassin corps is stationed

· [2nd Layer]

Where the majority of the [Black Golems] and a few other types of golems are stored. The whole 2nd layer also serves main body of [Titan] once it is released


And at the center of the City is [Nocturnal Citadel], the area that Renya is currently in. [Nocturnal Citadel], considered as one of the largest buildings built by players in the server excluding [Titan City] itself. With structures that induce an awe inspiring feeling and a design straight out of fantasy, any player would find it hard not to admire on just how truly grand the castle looks


And its all thanks to the help of a professional Architect (that Renya hired)


"Its been a month since i could log in to play, who would've thought that my next one would be because some god damn alliance wants to take over my city?”(Renya)


As he laughed at his own remark, he jumped down from the balcony Landing on the roof of the lower castle then jumping down again before finally reaching the street below


What entered his view was a street lined with Tall buildings whose height reached around 100+meters that had a simmilar design to [Nocturnal Citadel] althought white instead of black.


The street was filled with villager like NPCs each with a face that was not too beautiful and was only above average wearing clean clothing that can be considered simple but elegant. Each of them had a name plate above their heads that read <Titan City Folk> with level varying from 15-30 atop their heads.


They all walked on the street as if they had some work to do making the street look busy and lively, but truthfully they were all designed to give the illusion that the city was filled with life.


This was the flaw [Titan City] had, it was lifeless.


Even with all the NPCs it had, in the end it would never be able to replicate what an actual city in the real world was like. This was the only thing that Renya would forever Regret and would never be able to do


He walked down the street, at times glancing at the passing city folk before arriving at one of the gates that lead into the [Inner Crafting Stations].


He went in not requiring any sort of pass since he was basically the Lord of this city, walking down the street for a few moments before the smell of burning coal trickled his nose.


What he saw was an area with an enormous black furnace under a massively tall black colored chimney in the middle. The whole area was dyed red from the intense heat that the black furnace gave out.


Around the black furnace were many humans, dwarves and sometimes elves, whose levels varied from 20-35 can be seen working together to craft weapons and armors. However, even with all the action taking place. It felt all too artificial and lifeless to Renya


like the previous [Inner City Folk Housing] area, it was designed like this with the same reason in mind and that the only difference is that this area is one of the main sources of income as the weapons and armors are sold to other cities.


Such a thing should be natural since a city this enormous would require a large sum of gold in order to maintain its functionality; that would be the case to an actual city, however to a city where its citizens doesn’t require food at all nor do they have any luxurious demands, all the gold made is transfered directly to the city’s treasury saved up for future uses. Even now, Renya never found any use for the excess amount of gold


“This area is doing fine, everything is still intact. I wonder how much gold is in the treasury by now.”(Renya)


As he pondered a bit a large silhouette appears out of the corners of his eyes.


[lvl 80<Dark Earth Elemental>] a 3 meter tall golem like elemental that patrols the city as Renya comanded it, however since nothing bad ever happens within [Titan City] they become unnecessary and are only there for looks and in order to give the city a feel of security, so Renya believes


“These golems are still working too huh. Good these guys can also serve as soldiers in the battle later.”(Renya)


Renya said in a doubting tone as the elemental walked past the area in a slow paced manner before proceeding towards the direction of the [Inner City Folk Housing] area


Renya glanced at the direction which the golem walked towards before opening a holographic window and tinkering with it a bit while he was walking down another street with a few [City Folk] here and there.


He walked for good while before reaching another gate, like the previous one he didn’t need a pass and was able to go through with no problems.


The area was filled with numerous square shaped houses as well as a few [lvl 60 <Black Dragon Castle Soldier>] patrolling the area. Near the houses was a field with a few soldiers sparring here and there.


In the middle of the area was a tall tower standing on top of a large square shaped building surrounded by surrounded tall walls with spiked tops as well as slightly smaller towers that give the look that they are indeed watch towers


“Without a doubt this the [Inner Military Division]. The [Abyssal Prison] appears to be doing fine, too bad its empty......for now.“(Renya)


After pondering a bit he decided to open the in game menu to look at the time


“Shit.”(Renya)


His face Turned grim as he realized that more than half an hour passed since the time he logged in and that it was currently 11:34 AM, meaning he only had a quarter of an hour time before the [Red Sun Alliance] begins their attack.


Only after looking around a bit Renya decided to rush back into [Nocturnal Citadel] and straight into the throne room, Ignoring everything as he ran


Opening the massive door he slowed down his pace of walking, as he started to walk slower and slower as he started opening windows upon windows


After what seemed to be an eternity walking towards the throne, Renya sat down Closing his eyes


“The time is nigh.“(Renya)


He said with a fierce tone as he opened the game menu to look at the in-game clock. The holographic clock read 11:47 AM, the attack begins at 12:00 AM


“All my friends are gone for the day. My luck i guess.”(Renya)


Renya glanced at the clock a second time, this time it read 11:51 AM. He stood up, using the authority as the City Lord he teleported to the top of one of the walls of the city.


As he was looking over at the horizon, the scene horrified him.


“Are you kidding with me?!“(Renya)


Unable to hide his suprise as he saw the absurd ammount of people who came to attack. Hundreds of thousands of small dots appear in the horizon, majority of them on the ground, the rest in the air with all of them marching towards his city.


By this time he would be sweating buckets however, the game had limits and he is prevented from doing so. Calming himself down he looked behind him. A vast ammount of npc soldiers mixed with a few golems here and there, numbering a little over 200,000. Behind them were a group of elves carying bows and dark elves holding daggers wearing assassin like equipment, both of them numbering 10,000 including his Titan Golems he would have a force totaling 210,300.


However even with all this he still felt an impending crisis, a feeling that his forces may not last long.


The in-game clock reached 11:54, the [Red Sun Alliance] had reached a point where they can see Renya.


“RENYA!!!”(???)


A man wearing a beautiful set of red armor as well as a blazing cloak behind him released a soul shaking shoute.


“Setting_Sun you bastard! You dare attack my city all because I won’t join you?!?! You sure are a sore loser for your age.”(Renya)


He mocked him from the top of his wall with the same volume, causing Setting_Sun to panic for a brief momment bfore regaining his confidence again shouting back in rebuttal.


“Heh. Mock me all you want! In the end of the day I’ll be the one having the last laugh! Fter we’re done with you, your city will belong to the [Red Sun Alliance]!”(Setting_Sun)


With a pause he continued his words.


“Enough chit chat. BEGIN THE ATTACK!!!”(Setting _Sun)


Renya with a grim expression readied his forces. However something unexpected happened.


[Emergency System Maintenance!

Please remain logged in throughout the maintenance]


Everything froze, he became unable to move aswell as everyone else.


“Huh!? There wasn’t an announcement, about this! Well it is an emergency... But what for?”(Renya)


As He was mumbling to him self, a bright light obstructed his eyes, unable to see anything his heart was filled with fear as he doesn’t know whats going on. Suddenly the light vanished. However his position no longer the same as before. Where he was now was inside the throne room in the [Nocturnal Citadel]!


“WTF?!?!”

 

Why'd u have to make the title as chuunibyou as possible dude....other than that Renya needs a last name cuz he was japanese? I think. The rewrite is somewhat better, looking forward to your future work..

 

Thanks! its more of a experimental title still working on it.

 

Hmmm I don't know... the title seems ok to me, not that much more chuuni than overlord to be honest.
The very idea of fantasy is being chuuni anyway.
The difference is ... whether you make a good chuuni name, or something ...awkward.
I guess?