Discussion Do you feel lucky for being born a decade early?

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by RebirthofNovel, Dec 16, 2017.

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Are you happy for having been born a decade early?

  1. Yes I am happy and got the girl

    3 vote(s)
    6.5%
  2. Yes i am happy my parents got the girl for me

    1 vote(s)
    2.2%
  3. No i am still unable to find the girl

    27 vote(s)
    58.7%
  4. No i am born a decade late

    15 vote(s)
    32.6%
  1. gggo

    gggo Well-Known Member

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    1. Women like men, also have to go through the whole courtship hurdle, like acting demure, hard-to-get and all mysterious, just for the sake of appearing as someone not "easy to get" (which in conservative circles equate to being a bimbo). Whether it be the last century or the present, we are always careful about our appearance in order to discern the intentions of the guy.
    2. It's not a matter of time (when you were born), but of timing. Relationships naturally form when two people invest too much time together and become emotionally involved with each other. So it doesn't matter whether you're a guy or a girl, you might trigger a "flag" when you open up to someone. It's easy to have a relationship when you're young because you have stability in the form of your parents' support, but after getting a job, your time becomes more valuable, so you're investing more into that relationship. There are those who expects to have short-term benefits to a relationship, like just getting laid to "destress" or to alleviate loneliness. And there are some who wanted it to be more long-term because they are willing to invest more of their time hoping to have companionship and a family.
    3. It's not healthy to compare the past and present (or future for that matter). It's like comparing apples to oranges, there's always a trade-off when it comes to things like that. like for example, if you were born a century too early and got the girl right away, but the woman can't keep up with an intelligent conversation and is like a wet noodle during coitus, I doubt you'll be really satisfied. On the flip side, in the present, it might take you until your forties to find the right woman, but she could satisfy your needs and smart enough to make-up for your foolishness.
    4. Most of the chinese couple I know prefer having girls. As my grandma used to say, they are much easier to raise than boys. haha
     
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  2. Up-chan

    Up-chan ★Anti-Bullying Brigade★

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    i thought chinese families want sons to take care of them
     
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  3. AliceShiki

    AliceShiki 『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』

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    I think it depends from the place you are in... I do agree that it is slowly going away, but well... I did hear comments from some people about promiscuous women that were... Ugh...

    Hmmm... Thinking carefully about it though, aside from Middle School, I think I mostly didn't hear it from any girl... I did hear comments by men that had disdain over promiscuous women though, things like how "a key that can open many locks is great, but a lock that can be opened by many keys is a terrible one" or the like... Which honestly disgusts me.

    Perhaps it might be going away at a faster pace than I might have originally thought... Which is a good thing IMO, though I guess people with a more backwards thought always exist... *sighs*
    Well, I have a really hard time roleplaying IRL, but maybe one day... Well, I never heard of it on my country though! >.<

    Still, I can imagine the experience being quite magical~
    I think I'll try it if I get the opportunity... Once I get over my own issues with myself that is. Roleplaying over the internet has the advantage of not needing to deal with myself...
    Well, most of my experience online has been through games tbh, so maybe that's why it might have seemed bigger than what it really is... NUF is the first community I'm active in that is not game-related... In all fairness, it's the 2nd community I'm active in, since most of the time I tended to be a loner and/or lurker at best, still, all the others I used to visit were game communities... Ah, I did visit 9gag for around 1 year or 2 though... Maybe I got over-influenced by what I saw at those posts since I tended to lurk more than properly interact... Hmmm...

    The fact I didn't really find this kind of mindset at NUF is already a pointer that it might have been a big misconception on my part, which is quite refreshing tbh... I should judge things more with my own eyes I guess.

    I agree that games grew a lot and can hardly be considered a nerd activity anymore btw! ^^)/
    Well, you're quite free on doing it as you please, the important part is to have fun with it! \(^^)/

    Though I tend to take most of my fun from party quests or by tavern interactions... It just has a special charm for me I guess~
    Oh, the time we spent together was blissful, so no need to feel sympathy for it! xD
    I think "hardly optimal" is a vast understatement tbh.

    We can't simply grasp the whole of someone by interacting with them, we add our own biases and inferences to make the whole picture, which creates an idealized form of the other party... As time passes and we discover more of our significant other, this idealized form starts to crumble, so we either need to reconstruct it with this new information, creating a new image altogether... Or the relationship probably crumbles with it.

    On a LDR, in which we end up having less contact and less information about our own partners, I think the idealized form they take can be a lot more solidified and ingrained into our minds, and in those cases, the chance of the relationship completely breaking apart once you realize your partner does not correspond to the image you had of them in your mind.

    I believe that this kind of situation will just lead to a much more painful breakup than what would come from a RL relationship.
    I agree, it's an additional set of challenges... A big set of challenges though...

    It's essentially the same, a relationship, something that requires mutual trust and commitment between both parties... That requires plenty of talk, patience and care to work out...

    I am blessed with knowing a fair number of people that are currently in LDRs and that seem to want to stay together and face those challenges together, because of those feelings they have for one another, it's not easy, but I am really happy for them, as I care a lot for them. It's a relationship as wonderful as any other, what matters is that they want to make it work out, so I'm cheering for them to do it~
    Hmmmmmm... I'm not sure I totally got your point here, but...

    Honestly, I think that arranged marriages aren't the most well-known for working out well... I mean, if the good cases were common, they wouldn't be the highlighted ones in the first place.

    Anyone can adapt to things if they are willing to (and don't have any physical/mental illness blocking them that is) IMO, but... I think most people wouldn't be willing to adapt if they weren't agreeing with the situation in the first place, a negative mindset generally leads to a negative outcome... I think I already said that.

    I agree that we can't force a mindset, but I'm not that sure what you meant with putting that commentary at the beginning of this part of your post! >.<
    Ah, that's where I said it... Yeah, tragic is a good way of defining it... Definitely not what I would want for mine, or anyone I love, life.
    Well, by no means am I a specialist on the topic, so I do look at it mainly from the things that I think that influenced me the most... And more than age, I think I got changed by experiences... Age did matter of course, but not nearly as much as the shocks that drastically changed the direction my life was taking.

    I do agree that entering the job market is probably an important turning point for most, that will make them "adult", it's when societal pressures start getting bigger, when responsibilities get bigger, when the support you receive might start getting smaller... Just the conditions by themselves probably "force" people to mature somehow... Or at least try to, though I am unsure on how well can it achieve that.
     
  4. BB_Tensei

    BB_Tensei [Crystal Operator][Jack of all Trades]

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    Ah, the old master key thing. I like how it completely disregards how master keys actually work. Or maybe one can just respond with "While your master key works on you grandpa's lock, we have smart locks everywhere". Ah, sorry I got a bit lost in thought here.

    Having backward types is a sign a progress in and of itself, by the very definition of the term. :D Still, people are people, so you need to deal with them. I'll paraphrase an artist acquaintance of mine, who used to work as waitress in more backward town, and constantly got hit on with lines like 'Baby, I'm gonna take you to <popular sea side area>. Gonna give you such a good time', which would scare her at first, but eventually she figured out how to deal with them. "You just have to get into their head. These guys have their own movie going on in there, so you have to get into character and shoot them down" is what she said.

    Such types are also why proof for me, that some people just don't grow up, even as adults.
    Oh, I completely understand. While a lot of people have good improvisation talent, it's mostly about good practice. Forum roleplaying has somewhat of a good effect on live action and tabletop roleplaying, since you slowly learn to respond to various situations. It's an artform, but like with everything, experience is important, so I think you'd do good, if you just get into it. :D

    Do you mean that you're just shy, or something else?
    I was frankly surprised at the freedom allowed to NUF users. I'll admit that most people here are smart, even when they act like assholes, so I find my participation here fun. Otherwise, I've been part of many communities, and frankly it's all about the entry level of effort required to join. It decides whether or not the place will be filled with insufferable pricks. The closer you get to the lowest common denominator, the more you'll hear bad jokes, see infantile and backward behavior, and be bored out of your mind by base discussion.

    Nowadays the same is happening to board games, as they grow more complex and varied. Do you play any, I might have an idea for the roleplaying section, I might need somebody experienced in both roleplaying and boardgames' help with?
    I want to party with somebody, but I'm not sure who to party with.
    Good to hear.
    That's the problem with most types of distance dating, including arranged marriages. With arranged marriage and limited choice though, you might be even more disappointed and regretful in your decision, especially as a woman.
    That sounds wonderful. I personally also know of a number of people in LDRs, even ones that have successfully taken the step of living together, and it works out for them, for the time being. It might be the case, that we will see even more of those, as technology connects people further accross the globe. I'm troubled by the tendency for people to cluster around just the local community in their own country and network, due to social networks, however. The relationships I've mentioned, have all except one formed out of interacting through communities of common interest over the internet. I also know of a number of unsuccessful ones, that failed either after the people spent some time travelling between countries to meet, and eventually broke apart, and one where they found that they are not fit to live together.

    A good question for the thread is whether or not online communities could help with Chinese entering more natural relationships between genders? What kind of problems can be expected and can also be found elsewhere, where LDRs are successful, or at least happen often?
    Since it's an outdated practice, actual research is few, so we can't say for sure. Most of what we can discuss is anecdotal, and perhaps it would help to have somebody more knowledgable and experienced on the subject join the discussion.
    Adaptability is different between various people is mostly what I meant. One doesn't need to have illness or disability to be unable to adapt, and it's not limited to having a negative mindset. Adaptability is just one of many properties of the thing called a human, and thus is subject to environment, age, genetics, etc. Especially if one is habbitually averse to change, it would be very hard to adapt to pretty much anything, regardless of mindset and how much the situation would force them to.
    Consider, by the way, that a lot of people in this thread have accepted that they'd be lucky just to have a relationship. With women it's generally more accepted to strive for a prefered relationship, while men for some reason would more often than not prefer any at all. I wonder why that is.
    Would you say that the people you know have gone through similar experiences, or if not how do they differ? Most developmental paradigms try to find the most standard and common changes that occur with development, so I find it interesting to consider things from a different perspective.

    I think for most people, just getting out of their established network and comfort zone, it usually leads them to mature, as they deal with situations, that cannot be resolved through the behavior and interactions they are used to, while in school/college/university. I'll admit, some higher educaton institutions do a good job at preparing young men and women for adult life, but not all. Then again I haven't lived in a dorm, so my knowledge of how it affects the process of maturing is incomplete.
     
  5. ZhaWarudo

    ZhaWarudo TOKI WO TOMARE!!!

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    Only in China, great culture but man do I despise Chinese mentality. Meanwhile in the rest of the world, girls will date you if you're funny and that's about it.
     
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  6. AliceShiki

    AliceShiki 『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』

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    *laughs* It's a good way of dealing with them~

    And I agree! Backwards types are a good sign of progress! \(^^)/

    Hmmm, your artist friend has a good point I think, you just need to learn how to deal with them I guess.

    And yeah... It shows some people just don't grow up... Or maybe they just need to have any serious talk with anyone on the matter, so they never even thought how their statement looks... Crazy? Stupid? I don't have a good word.
    Well, my experience with RL RP has not been that great so far... Though it might also be the fault of the group of people I played with, I'm not sure.

    Hmmmm... I'm a bit shy, but it's more along the lines that I have plenty of problems with my own self, and this ends up making RL experiences hard for me in general. On the other hand, I don't have to deal with any of the problems I have with myself online, so they are usually more enjoyable for me.
    I was pretty surprised too! The only other forum I frequented was a lot more strict with rules and all, NUF is a lot more loose, which made the experience here a lot more enjoyable~

    It's quite funny, because I used to be a "good girl" overall, that tended to get away from the more annoying folks that made things that were close to rule-breaking and the like... As time passed, I ended up getting more and more fond of them though, those folks that had their fair share of weekly/monthly bans are pretty nice to be close to... So yeah, even the assholes are smart! xD

    Hmmmmmm... I think it might not only be about the entry level of effort, but about what public it appeals to... The broader the public, the bigger the amount of pricks... NUF is kinda close-tight, even if it's quickly growing... I mean, Asian translated Webnovels is definitely a niche community, so people here have some affinity already I think.

    The level of effort to entry definitely matters though... If you require no knowledge or anything to join... You might end up meeting some people that... *shivers* Or children... I really love children, but I have a real problem with children online... Probably because they don't have the commitment to the community that adults have, so they end up being "cancerous" without even understanding what that is.
    Oh, I do like boardgames! I played a fair number of them!

    Aside from the more well-known ones like Chess, Go and the like though, most of what I played were some unique national ones, but I think I have plenty of experience with them...

    I think it's still having a slow spread though, not that many people get into boardgames once they stop being children I think... But it's nice seeing it slowly grow~
    Ah, people generally party up with people they already know I guess? It's why we try to encourage people to try roleplaying at the tavern as well, since that makes others get closer to you.

    We might have a raid happening soonish (probably next year... >.>) though, so it might be a good chance to get closer to other players as well.
    *nod nod* Agreed.
    Hmmm... You've probably been around for longer than I have then... Well, the ones I did get to know are mostly new relationships, with only one being an old one, but that started as RL and became a LDR due to circumstances...

    I have already seen a number of break ups from LDRs as well, even though all the ones I know haven't been around for that long, but I guess this is normal, as it is with any relationship, not all of them work out.

    I don't think one needs to be troubled by the fact people prefer to be around their local communities and networks, it's easier and safer to just stay near those I think... Finding people from around the world that share your interests and that you are willing to stay together with is a very wonderful thing, but also a pretty scary one IMO... It's okay to not go through it, though I think it would be nice if more people were open to it, even if they didn't actively seek it.


    I honestly don't have any idea on how to answer the second part of this though! >.<

    I don't know much about Chinese people in general, and it's a really hard to answer thing... I think that having more possibilities of entering a relationship and of finding someone that you might love is always good... Rather or not this will make them enter more natural relationships though, it's hard to answer.
    *nod nod* I never even tried researching it in the first place, so it does make it tougher to have a more well-founded argument... I indeed only used anecdotes to talk about it, because it's all I know about it... Hmmmm... Yeah, someone more knowledgeable appearing would be nice, but... Well, what are the chances of that? xD
    Hmmmm... I partially disagree I guess?

    I think some people have more ease to adapt than others, but I think anyone can adapt if they wish to... Sure, it might take some serious effort, but I think it's definitely possible to.

    If one is averse to it though, then they might never adapt though...
    I honestly have a pretty hard time understanding it.

    My take is that they consider themselves "not good enough" and gave up on it... This might be more of a fault of the age-group than anything though.

    I think most people that go and say that they would never be able to get a significant others are teenagers that are more or less social outcasts and never got close to have a successful love life while they can see their peers "easily" getting into one relationship after the other. Which can lead to a pretty depressing line of thought that says they should just give up.

    With the passage of time though, I think that going out of their school environment (in which they might have met the same people for who knows how many years) and going out to college or to work, might change their views as they meet new people that they may end up getting close to, to the point of starting a relationship.

    I believe women just care more about the matter at this age-group due to a series of expectations and media that is aimed towards them... Like how women are expected to love romance and wait for the "perfect one" and all that... I think we just don't want to give up on this sort of thing just because of never being confessed to or anything... While men on the other hand are expected to go after the girls and "take their hand", so failing to do that might lead to this line of thought that they're simply incapable of it... Huh? I kinda went back to this point we already discussed...

    Still, once they get older and start wondering about having their own family, I think this kind of thought completely disappears, I think people either decide to not marry due to a personal choice of wanting to be alone, or they pursue a significant other through the means that they feel comfortable with. I just can't see someone simply giving up on getting into a relationship due to lack of confidence... Not when they actually want to build a family and are already in an age to do so.
    Hmmmmm... Yes, I would.

    Both of my brothers ended up having a reasonably big change on them once they started working for example, and some other people that I know, changed their views considerably after going through unexpected and unusual experiences, even though they might have been 7 or more years apart from one another...

    I think age mainly gives you more time to go through more experiences, which lead to more maturity... At least it's what I believe.
    Hmmmmm... Yes, I think you're mostly right, working is generally an experience that can make people mature considerably due to various factors.

    ... My experience with higher education is that it's actually pretty bad at preparing someone to work though... Well, I only have the experience I went through and the ones I heard from people that went to the same university as me though.

    I never lived in a dorm with people I didn't know (because that honestly scares me), but I did live with some friends I wasn't that close to... It's not that much of a life-changing experience I think... Most of the time we're both out of the house, either because of an internship, or a job, or classes, or going back to parents' house on holidays... A dorm for me has always been a place to sleep, so living with someone else didn't change much.
     
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  7. lychee

    lychee [- slightly morbid fruit -] ❀[ 恋爱? ]❀

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    You might find this data to be interesting:

    http://labs.time.com/story/see-the-ratio-of-single-men-to-women-where-you-live/

    Before saying whether it’s easier for men or women to get relationships, maybe you should actually look up whether demographically there are more single women or men in your area.

    In the US, among people with college degrees, there are more single women than there are single men.

    On the other hand, if you only have a high school education, there are more single men than women.

    Conclusion: if you have low education attainment, it’s hard to be a guy trying to get a girl. If you are well educated, the situation reversed and it’s harder to be a girl trying to get a guy.

    The other thing is that anecdotally speaking, it’s one thing to be in a serious relationship and a casual relationship. I’m sorry if this stereotyping, but I personally know of plenty more than one instances where a guy was willing to say anything or do anything to get into a girls pants. I don’t know if it’s just what I see, but sometimes it feels like guys are more commonly interested in the “no strings attached” sex-only relationships.

    I mean I’m in a relationship already, but from the things I hear from my friends, I’d almost feel paranoid being hit on because I find it hard to trust anything somebody says whom I don’t know well.

    Like, maybe think about it through the girls shoes? If I were single, I would be interested in finding a relationship at some point, but I’d only be interested in proper serious relationships — not something flimsy or purely physical. Also, the other thing is that I (and everyone else) have eyes. Sometimes I see the same guy hitting on two or three or four different people. If it were me being hit on, I definitely would not be impressed. Try not to look so desperate, okay? It makes me think you’d be fine with anybody who has a vagina.
     
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  8. AliceShiki

    AliceShiki 『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』

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    I honestly don't even understand the mentality of hitting on someone... It seems like the natural course of action is to become friends first, build a trusting relationship and maybe slowly get close enough to try and transform it into a relationship between more than friends.

    I wouldn't ever try to get close to someone that started hitting on me... >.>
     
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  9. lychee

    lychee [- slightly morbid fruit -] ❀[ 恋爱? ]❀

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    Well, people have different objectives. Just like how Tinder is popular, some people feel like waiting 2-3 years for your perfect match is too slow, and they’d like to be in a relationship sooner.

    Flirting more-or-less is the fastest way to find yourself a relationship if you want one. Some people also get a rush from the entire process, the chasing and being chased, etc. It boosts people’s confidence because it makes you feel like you’re desirable in some way.

    The other thing is that flirting isn’t necessarily disingenuous. In fact, the people who are good at it are in fact being totally honest and genuine with their personality. It’s just that they aren’t afraid to express it and aren’t shy about expressing their attraction to another person.

    Some of the things that people say and do on NUF, if it happened IRL, could certainly in fact be considered flirting. There are many ways to do it, both for guys and girls, and everyone has their own way of broadcasting “I like you” without actually saying it directly.
     
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  10. AliceShiki

    AliceShiki 『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』

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    *feels too complicated* >.<

    Hmmmm... I guess I just think it's weird to not be willing to invest plenty of time and feelings on wanting a relationship... Well, the relationship might not even start if you're turned down though, so there is that...

    Still, it feels like the only reasonable way for me... I understand that one might not be willing to wait too much, but I can't understand why... Perhaps I'm just too patient, I like taking things slow after all.

    ... People that aren't shy about expressing themselves are scary... >.<
     
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  11. BB_Tensei

    BB_Tensei [Crystal Operator][Jack of all Trades]

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    I'm not scary! T.T
    I gave them a map, and now we're in a dungeon, before I could blink!

    @lychee interesting data. We're mostly discussing whether it's easy or hard for Chinese men to get into relationships, due to the gender ratio, and the rest is generally anecdotal, so this helps. :D

    I'll respond more in depth later, @AliceShiki.
     
  12. lychee

    lychee [- slightly morbid fruit -] ❀[ 恋爱? ]❀

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    I think people’s perspectives change depending one what they’ve experienced.

    If you’ve ever let a great opportunity slip away because you’re too hesitant, or someone else showed up and got in a relationship with the person you were interested in, I think people become more aware of the fact that time isn’t unlimited.

    And I think it’s a really challenging thing. You can’t always expect that someone you’re interested in will turn down other people forever just to wait for you. In fact, sometimes I feel like the mentality some people have is to start a relationship to ensure that you have the exclusivity (and no 3rd party gets in the way and causing the opportunity to slip away), and then spend a little time afterwards to figure out if the relationship is good or not.

    It’s kind of like the saying that in quiz bowl competitions, you should push the buzzer before you’re absolutely sure about the answer. If you wait until you’re sure, there’s a chance somebody else will push and get the point.

    I mean, this analogy doesn’t apply to everyone, but people commonly say that all the “good” men/women are taken already. By “good”, I mean the sweathearted kind of guys that are really considerate and high in demand. Let’s use @akki as our NUF example. XDDDDD

    If you think you might like someone, and there’s a chance that someone else might also be in the running, you need to be proactive or else you’ll get left in the dust!

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that if it takes you 2-3 years to decide if you like a single person enough to date him/her, it’s also just as possible that he/she has their eye on other people too! (unless they’re not attracted to anyone, that is) It will be fine if he/she is also slower in deciding than you are, but it becomes a problem if you end up learning that he’s interested in somebody other than yourself, and all of a sudden you’re a third wheel.....
     
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  13. lychee

    lychee [- slightly morbid fruit -] ❀[ 恋爱? ]❀

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    Huh, my understanding about China is that it’s all about the house. Decent housing is so expensive in cities (e.g. Shanghai, Beijing) in China that it’s pretty common marriage won’t be on the table unless there’s housing on the table.

    Anecdotally what this means is that economic status matters even more in China than in most places in the world. Whether you think that’s easier or harder depends on your perspective.

    On the other hand, there’s also the stereotype of girls dating and going for the money. The current generation (from the 1 child policy) is notorious for being spoiled/entitled/spendthrifts with money, so the stereotype is that people will pretty much go where the money and status is. Conversely this also means that families are also defensive of their money and suspicious of daughter-in-laws who look like they’re after the money.
     
  14. BB_Tensei

    BB_Tensei [Crystal Operator][Jack of all Trades]

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    Yes. That stereotype is exactly what OP is about, except it's from the perspecitve of the average male, who cannot afford to be sought after for money and housing. The additional topic is arranged marriages, since they seem to be the buzz for that generation right now. Please look at the poll. Well, we're a bit off topic, I'll admit.
     
  15. lychee

    lychee [- slightly morbid fruit -] ❀[ 恋爱? ]❀

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    Huh, but I'm still confused to how it is that arranged marriages make it easier.

    It felt like from some of the posts in this thread had the impression that the guys got to pick whoever they wanted in an arranged marriage, but that's simply not true. Both the guy and the girl desires are ignored in this case, and the parents are there negotiating the raw specs and economics of the arrangement.

    Which ultimately comes down to the house all over again. No house = no marriage. That has been true pretty much through all of Chinese history. If you were too poor to have a house, then arranged marriages don't even apply to you.

    My impression about modern Chinese arranged marriages is that... they're still very different, less common, and less formalized than the Indian version of arranged marriages. In fact, I've never personally known a family member or a family friend in China who's done an arranged marriage. On the other hand, parental involvement in marriage is almost a universal practical thing (just like how Chinese parents will typically pay for their kid's university). From what I hear from my cousins and family friends, it's not unusual (and pretty common) for the parent to pay for the house so that their son can get married. Talk about an entitled generation, right?

    What this also means is that if your parents don't approve of your girlfriend, you don't have the finances for a house, and therefore you can't get married. Parental approval is definitely part of the equation here. As a result, parental prodding in modern China has quite a lot more weight in China than it does in the West.

    In either case, if you're a man and either you or your parent doesn't have a house available, I can guarantee that still nobody will want an arranged marriage with you. Arranged marriages only work in your favor if you have the specs or the family power to back it.

    So, in short, I don't really see how arranged marriages help an average guy at all. Isn't the stereotype that the arranged marriage occurs between the girl with family status and the guy with money/career?
     
  16. AliceShiki

    AliceShiki 『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』

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    *giggles* I might get scared IRL! xD
    I saw it! I thought "Wow, really!? Just like that!?"

    But hey, just make sure to have fun! ^^)/

    Ah, and don't worry too much about making sense of the timeflow if it starts troubling you, time is relative on AG... >.>
    Hmmm... Yeah, I can understand this sort of feeling I think. At the same time, I can't.

    I mean, if I am "interested" in someone, but am not courting them (honestly, I don't really understand how courtship works, I'd probably just try to get close to them as friends, and confess when I was sure of my feelings), I would just get close to any other people that I could possibly be "interested" am... If I get close enough to think I could date someone, but that someone found a girlfriend before I tried going after them, I would go after someone else I would be trying to think of... At least it's how I would do things...

    Like, I don't need to have possible romantic feelings for only a single person, I only need to discover who can possibly be "the right one", and then discover it with them... I don't need to rush it to "call dibs" on them.

    So... I sort of can understand the thought process, but it just doesn't make much sense for me... I could pout on how I took too long to take Akkihime-sama before someone else took her... Or I could just try aiming for some other nice man such as Yukkuri Oniisan or something... It seems to make more sense to me...

    I guess I just have a hard time understanding the mentality, even if it does seem to make some sense...
     
  17. Shin Ah

    Shin Ah Dope'n

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    Humans love the chase. If you are valuable, they will chase you. Thats why bad guys get all the girls, they dont really care if she likes him or whether he says something weird or annoying. Be a little narcistic, be a little gentleman, form opinions and express whatever is on your mind. Become the person worthy of being the prize, and women will see you as men see Jennifer Aniston. Oh, and for starters be hygenic and get rejected often until you really dont care anymore and you get the knack of the game (i feel lucky, so many beta with the digital revolution, im still far from alpha but omw)
     
  18. lychee

    lychee [- slightly morbid fruit -] ❀[ 恋爱? ]❀

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    Mhm, I think it's fine to do whatever works for you!

    I think I just describe it that way because occasionally you will have a friend who clearly likes someone (but refuses to acknowledge it), hasn't considered/not confident about dating that person, but as the friend you sort of think that they would go well together. The problem is that you also know that if she waits too long, there's this pesky other third person on your radar who you've noticed is approaching your friend's crush...

    As the friend, I can't help but want to nudge my friend more because time isn't unlimited.

    Furthermore, I think most people tend to underestimate themselves and have low confidence about themselves. They think that pursuing the relationship would make things awkward, or that there's no way the other person would reciprocate, or maybe they're just not well suited. It's rare, I think, for people to be overconfident about their relationship ability. Everyone is nervous, and it's super easy to put off saying anything until the next day (and the next day and the next day...)!

    In this sense, I'm absolutely in the camp that you have to be proactive in order to get what you want, because sometimes there isn't enough time in the world to simply wait for the stars to align. People move away, change jobs, graduate, and it's rarely the case that people will stay next to your forever unless they have a reason to.

    Of course, this isn't to say that you should date people you know nothing about, nor should you "call dibs" just because they're popular when you don't have any feelings about your own. You should only date people who you like, or think you could like. And a huge part of this is that we don't control and can't help whom we like -- if akkihime is the one you develop a crush on, then you're stuck with your eyes on that person until you get closure. Part of this is also about knowing yourself very well. If you're the kind of the person who does the self-denial thing much, or it takes you a long time to realize that you already like someone, if it takes 1-2 years, the clock is still ticking. Even if Yukkuri is your crush, Yukkuri is still his own person, and perhaps he might have his own crush that develops in that time.

    I guess what I'm saying is be brave, and know your feelings well!

    Just because it sounds like there might be another person doesn't mean that you have to give up on your feelings. I mean, yes, if they're officially dating, then you should stop then because it's not good to go after taken people. However, it's usually not the case that your friend will start dating someone else overnight. Typically (if you're close enough to them), you'll see signs of it coming, in which case you really had to reflect hard on how you really feel. Unfortunately, some people are dense enough that they don't notice that they regret it until it's too late, but try to get to know yourself well enough so that doesn't happen!

    I have always believed that relationships are about "vulnerability". That is -- relationships are formed when we are brave enough to share our vulnerabilities (that we don't share with other people) with the person important to us. When you mutually reveal vulnerabilities, and if the chemistry is good, then you create bonds of a relationship because you are increasingly able to depend on each other. Relationships are relationships precisely because you know that you can count on your partner for your vulnerabilities no matter what.

    It takes a lot of bravery to be able to go to the places that make us "vulnerable". Some of us need to be "dating" in order to progress to that level, but it's possible to have that relationship before anything officially exists in name. Therefore, if you realize you like someone, you need to be brave and proactive and expose yourself and be vulnerable if you want them to like you. How to put it... if you're in the position where you like somebody but you're not sure if they like you back... you need to give them something they're capable of loving (and being a hermit isn't going to accomplish that!) ...in particular, it usually means showing more of yourself that you won't show to other people, and just let the colorfulness and sincerity of your feelings shine... and just simply be proactive!

    ...I kind of unnecessarily wrote a lot but I hope it's okay......... :blobfearful::blobfearful::blobfearful::blobfearful::blobfearful::blobfearful::blobfearful:
     
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  19. AliceShiki

    AliceShiki 『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』

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    Of course it is okay! *hugs*

    I think I agree with it overall! \(^^)/

    I don't particularly think of relationships are about vulnerabilities, but I do think that being able to show your vulnerabilities to your significant other is an important part of any relationship... I mean, if you need to be on guard even with your significant other... Why are you even together?

    I do agree that time is not unlimited, and that we should pursue what we desire and be proactive about it... I just don't think we should do it before we are least have a decent notion of our feelings... Like, I doubt we can ever be 100% sure that someone is the "right person" without dating with them, living with them and... Maybe not even then! Some divorces happen after 20 years after all! >.<

    So... I think giving the nudge to your friend in case they are still unsure, but they can't wait forever is okay... What strikes me as weird is trying to go out with someone you barely know... Or worse, you don't even know. I mean, trying to flirt with a complete stranger? I just can't understand that, no matter how I try to rationalize it... Well, I can't understand casual relationships either though, so maybe that's why...


    Ah! I 100% understand the feeling of thinking we'll be rejected and underestimating ourselves! It's hard to try to do anything if you're already sure you'll fail before even trying! >.<
    Still, we need to try our best then! At least I think we do!
     
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