[Dropped] I don't want to be in this VRMMO and why is the title so long?

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by Psyrhos, Oct 15, 2016.

  1. Psyrhos

    Psyrhos Member

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    I dislike VRMMOs with a passion, due to the fact that they are way to many of them.
    ... So I decided to give it a go. (I know, it's like I am walking contradiction.)

    Title:
    I don't want to be in this VRMMO and why is the title so long?

    Genre:
    Parody, VRMMO, Fantasy, Action, RPG

    Synopsis:
    The Protagonist Sam awakens in a world, where he soon figures out that it's a game. However he hates games with a passion and wants to live in denial. He is also plagued by terrible graphics and glitches.
    (Written in Ego-Perspective)

    Contains:
    >Swear words (Frequent)
    >Gore (Rarely, but can be very detailled)
    >Nudity (Rarely and only for comedic purposes)

    Chapters:
    The first will be added soon, once it allows me to do so. (It's already there)
    Chapter 2 is now there. I should ask one of the mods about the fact that the perma-links to the chapters alway get blocked when I want to add them here.
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2016
  2. Psyrhos

    Psyrhos Member

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    I woke up in a field of grass and flowers. The ground was filled with different insects. Some large some small. I could still remember my name. It was "Sam". So there are not many problems with my memory. But something seemed wrong. There was a strange, black outline surrounding the different objects.

    [Oh well, that doesn't really matter.]

    I checked my clothing, since it felt different to what I usually wear. The clothing I now wear turned out to be a turqouise fluffy trench coat and black leggings. Nothing else. Not even underwear. Not that anyone really wanted to know that.

    [Sure. At least I can carry stuff with it.]

    While I was thinking that, I checked my clothing for pockets. And as if the choice wasn't bad enough: There were no pockets. My life has now gotten from strange to shit. Thanks.

    [So that's why some woman are so frustrated. Ahhh... well. I'll just have to find something good with pockets.]

    I continued my "journey" (however the fuck you want to call that shit). And stopped as I a saw a black blob of something. As I moved back and forward it changed its appearance. However once I got really close the problem suddenly disappeared.

    [Wait a minute... Is that really what I think it is?]

    I moved back and forth a few more times too confirm my theory.

    [Oh god. Seriously? I have to deal with aliasing from now on?
    Well that would also explain why everything looks so wrong.]

    While I was trapped in my own thoughts a gigantic orc walked from my left to right field of vision. A naked orc. These are the things you never want to see in your life. I now regret existing.

    After the orc has passed me, and I miraculously didn't faint after seeing that 1 meter large thing between his legs, I sat down and looked at a random point in the distance. Just before my mind faded out of existence, walked a young female towards me. That would be good, if I wasn't emotionally damaged after the seeing the orc-dick.

    Fe: "Hey! Are you new here?"

    She asked me while looking at me like I am some sort of otherworldly creature (though I don't blame thanks to the clothing I've got).

    Sam: "Yes"

    Fe: "Sooo what do you think of it?"

    Her voice sounded not that pleasant. Way too much treble. However, if that is really a game, like I hope to god it's not, I might find some audio setting to turn the audio down.

    Sam: "Of what?"

    Asked I, while searching the menu and looking like a retard while doing it, waving my arms around and looking everywhere. I wasn't able to find anything.

    [What kind of shitty SAO-Ripoff is that?]

    Fe: "Saiaku no onraingēmu shijō"

    With that she derailed my train of thought. I bet a lot of my imaginary peoples died thanks to that accident.

    Sam: "What are you talking about? Is that a spell?"

    Fe: "No it's the name of the game your in!"

    [Oh god. I can sense that she can't distinguish between "you're" and "your"]

    Sam: "Soo... this is a game right?"

    Fe: "Yes it is"

    Sam: "And the name is.... Whatever I don't remember the name it's too long"

    Fe: "It's just called Saiaku"

    Sam: "But isn't that Japanese for 'Worst'?"

    [Which is fitting. At least something good about it.]

    Fe: "Ohh... well I am still going to call it Saiaku"

    Sam: "I really am in a game right?"

    Fe: "Yes"

    Sam: "Are you sure?"

    Fe: "Yes"

    Sam: "Really? You're kidding me right?"

    Fe: "No. But just to change the topic: What are you wearing?"

    She pointed at my clothing with a confused expression.
    I flinched a little bit. I forgot about the existence of what I wore. And now she reminded me of it. Fuck.

    Fe: "Are you sure you're a male?"

    [Oh, so she can distinguish between your and you're. That's good.]

    Sam: "Yes"

    A while passed with awkward silence surrounding us. There wasn't even the slightest sound of insects or really anything.

    [Seriously why are these insects so silent?]

    It was making me insane. (Well not as worse as a loud clock but still). Just before I thought of leaving she went to me with another question.

    Fe: "So what's your name?"

    Sam: "I really am in a game?"

    Fe: "Yes, but that doesn't answer my question?"

    I hated giving my real name in a game. So i started to think.

    [What name should I make up...?]

    After a short duration I finally found the answer.

    Sam: "Sexually Attractive Male"

    A "Ding"-sound suddenly appeared above me. Surprised I looked upwards. There were letters floating above my head. They spelt exactly what I just said.

    Fe: "What an odd name. Can I just call you 'Sam' to make it shorter?"

    [Fuuuuuck! Note to self: Never use names online that can be shortened to your real name.]

    Sam: "Ughh.... fine"

    A large man approached from the forest and placed himself in front of the young female. His body and his armor, which was mostly build of steel, leather and a lot of fur, made it very obvious that he is some kind of warrior.

    Be: "STOP HARASSING MY SISTER!!!"

    [Who the fuck is that?]

    Fe: "Hey! He wasn't harassing me!"

    Be: "YOU DON'T KNOW IT! LOOK AT HIM!"

    I looked at myself. The clothing is, to my surprise, still very clean. Though I haven't run that much so that might be a reason. Thinking of running, maybe I should do it right now. I prepared my body to sprint as fast as I can. I breathed in and out.

    [Ok now I am ready.]

    With as much force as I could I started running. I felt like running as fast as.... walking speed? After a few steps I was exhausted. A large amount of sweat dropped from my face to the flowers on the field, moving them through the weight of this body fluid, which is used to keep the body cool. To be honest, that description was a bit odd. Maybe I should keep it simple. So let's try it again: I sweated a lot. Much better.

    Her brother (?) walked slowly towards me, while he was walking he drew his sword and pointed at my throat. With his aggressive voice he mocked me

    Be: "WHAT FOR A RAPIST DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!! YOU CAN'T EVEN RUN!"

    Sam: "I am not a rap-"

    Fe: "He isn't. I was the one who started the conversation! And even if, look how weak he is!"

    Be: "I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT!"

    [God. Stop shouting you asshole.]

    Fe: "Look, he can't even run for 10m!"

    Sam: "..."

    This was pretty humiliating. But I did wonder why I could only 'run' for 10m before being completely exhausted.

    Be: "YEAH HE IS SO WEAK!"

    Fe: "Right? Even I could kill him with One Punch!"

    For some reason the "One Punch" she said was accented with a guitar riff and it was as if she was a male screaming it at a high pitch. I even saw a bald man with red gloves and a white cape for a very short time. I am sure that was just my imagination.

    Be: "EXACTLY!"

    Fe: "Hahaha, such a weakling!"

    [Ok. They are just mocking me. But really, what are my stats?]

    Be: "COME NOW SISTER, WE SHALL GO!!"

    She shifted her attention shortly to her brother who tried to grab her arm. But she managed to easily escape from his attempt, leaving him rather surprised. He probably didn't expect that to happen. I am not really sure if that's a good thing or not if I take all the mockery earlier on in consideration. Then again, the whole thing here is shit and the aliasing is pissing me off.

    Fe: "Just wait!"

    Be: "FINE!"

    Fe: "I have nearly forgotten to tell you my name, Sam. I am Fiona and this right here..."

    She pointed at the man left to her. Who looked annoyed away and made a grunting noise similar to that of a heavily down-pitched pig.

    Fe: "...is my brother Berthon. He is a warrior-class and is on a very normal level here. So you can expect to run into even more people like him."

    [I hope not.]

    Sam: "I have an idea."

    Fe: "Which?"

    [If my theory is correct then...]

    Sam: "Your surname starts with a small 'e'?"

    Fe: "How did you know that?"

    Sam: "Your name is written like 'Fe'. So I assumed it would be correct if it's 'Fiona e-something'."

    Fe: "Where?"

    I looked at her confused. I was 100% sure that everyone saw that right before the spoken text there was a shortened version of the Username given. She looked around her searching for something resembling letters. Except for the letters floating above my head there was nothing there. After a very short time she gave up.

    Fe: "Whatever, it doesn't really matter. The 'e' stands for 'ethia'."

    Sam: "So Fiona ethia and Berthon ethia?"

    Be: "CORRECT!"

    I was shaking while I thought about asking him, why he always screamed but there has to be a good reason to it, right? So I took a deep breath to calm me down.

    Sam: "So Mr. ethia why do you always scream?"

    Berthon looked at me angrily. His sword, again, pointing at my throat. But this time much closer. Definitely a more uncomfortable position as just standing. But not as terrible as the giant orc dick. I still have that image in my mind. Fiona approached him and lowered his sword calmly with her hand. She was wearing a ring of silver and a blue stone. Probably sapphire. After Berthon put his blade away she answered my question

    Fe: "The prophecy said, that his Capslock is broken. I have no idea what that means."

    Sam: "Oh."

    [Wow...]

    My thought was much more monotone than I thought. And now I am thinking about my own thoughts.

    [Maybe if I continue with that the game might break and I will FINALLY BE FREE! (Capslock Required)]

    But I doubted that. As if I were ever to get out of this shitfest of a "game".

    Sam: "I really am in Game right?"

    Fe: "I told you already many times: YES!"

    This was the first time I saw her angry. She still looked rather o.k. (well cute, but I am not going to get a girl who is already taken). A soft wind moved her hair in an almost rhythmic way.

    [Maybe I should give the nature more attention.]

    I decided to watch at a leaf, where an ant was feeding from it. There were around 4 more ants close to it. Seems like they belong to the same group. I wondered if I will be able find a group like this ant. That would be nice. Distracted by the ant I didn't realize that Fiona was trying to talk to me. After a few tries she gave up.

    Fe: "I am going to leave now, ok?"

    Be: "YES WE WILL BE GOING! AND CHANGE YOUR CLOTHING!"

    Sam: "Right... I need money for it right?"

    Be: "OBVIOUSY! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?"

    [...]

    Sam: "How do I get money? Should I fulfill quests or anything like it?"

    Fe: "Yes. To get money you should help others or sell material you get by killing different monsters. These materials can range from cheap, like the skin of a large rat to being able to buy you an entire city, like the chest-crystal of the Navis Comendenti."

    Sam: "An entire city, just for a crystal!?"

    Fe: "Sure. The Navis Comendenti is the strongest Shipeater species that exists. It's around 700m long and destroys aircraftcarrier-sized ships to eat them. So... good luck killing that thing"

    [Holy shit! Just how many of them exist?]

    Sam: "I- I- I think I pass....."

    My body wasn't ready for this. I don't want to believe that I am in a world where creatures like that exist. I won't be able to survive for long. I just hope that there is nothing similar to the Navis Comendenti outside the water.

    Sam: "Are there any other creatures as dangerous as the Navis Comendenti?"

    Be: "YES! THERE ARE! THERE IS THIS ARMORED DRAGON! BUT I FORGOT HIS NAME!"

    Fe: "Yeah. The Volnus Armis, an armored dragon with no wings but his running speed is around 300 km/h. This species has very advanced arms which are equal to that of humans."

    Sam: "How large is that monster? Can't be larger than the Navis?"

    Fe: "Actually it's worse. The Navis Comendenti is prey for the Volnus Armis. The size of this armored dragon is around 1300m large."

    [FUCK! SHIT! FUCK! SHIT! ABORT LIFE! DO NOT WANT TO EXIST HERE! SEND HELP PLEASE!]

    As you can see, I was very calm while hearing this information.

    Sam: "How do people even survive here?"

    Fe: "We... just avoid them. It's simple"

    Be: "YEAH WE ARE TOO WEAK FOR THEM!"

    Fe: "Right. We are worthless."

    Be: "YES! WE SHOULDN'T EVEN TRY IT"

    This dragged on for a few minutes, and it reminded me of something they said earlier on. However I liked this version a lot more, because this time they aren't insulting me.

    Be: "AT LEAST NOT AS TERRIBLE AS SAM!"

    [Shit.]

    They continued to tell me how weak I was. Covering my ears with my hands didn't work because Berthon's voice is much louder than your normal talking voice. It's almost as loud as someone who is screaming angrily. This was much more annoying than I thought it would be. I decided that I really need money and equipped just to make sure that one day Berthon will shut up if I order him to do so.

    Sam: "Hey... ehhh... could you please help me kill something? I don't have equipment or money so it's going to be impossible for me."

    Be: "NOT REALLY! JUST KILL SMALL MONSTERS LIKE RATS WITH YOUR BARE HANDS!"

    I was surprised at the fact that this time Berthon was the one answering not Fiona.

    Sam: "Could you show me how it works?"

    Honestly, I was very unsatisfied with my own question. I didn't want to kill animals just for money and equipment. There had to be another way to survive that doesn't involve murdering animals. My train of thought stopped abruptly as Berthon picked up a large insect and showed it to me.

    Be: "INSECTS ARE EASY TO KILL! SO KILL THEM UNTIL YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR A DAGGER"

    Sam: "Ok"

    After my 'Ok' he threw the insect to the ground and stomped with his boot on the defenseless insect. The armor of the insect broke I heard a squashing sound. Shortly after grinding the corpse of the insect he removed the intestines from the bottom of his boots and searched for a small organ. While I was disgusted by it, he didn't even show the slightest reaction. Well, he did grin like an idiot after seeing me almost puking.

    Be: "HAHAHA! YOU SHOULDN'T BE WARRIOR! IF YOU'RE ALREADY DISGUSTED BY THAT! BUT DO YOU SEE THIS SMALL ORGAN? THIS ORGAN IS WORTH AROUND 20rr SO IT CAN BUY YOU A LOAF OF BREAD!"

    Sam "How can that small organ give so much money?"

    Be: "BECAUSE THAT INSECT IS RATHER RARE AND THIS ORGAN TASTES AMAZING!"

    Sam: "Right... I think I'll become something different. So what jobs are there?"

    They both answered my question in unison, saying that they had no idea and that they were so many jobs that they really can't remember them. I believed them so I asked them where the next village is.

    Be: "WE WILL GUIDE YOU TO THE NEXT VILLAGE, OK? HERE IS A BIT OF MONEY TO CHANGE YOUR TERRIBLE CLOTHING!"

    I gladly accepted the money. Berthon isn't as bad as I expected him to be. This experience is still so alien to me. I almost wanted to ask Fiona again if this is actually real and I am really in a game or if it's just a fucked up dream. I decided to keep silent until we arrived at the first village called "Bask". But it took much longer as we thought, due to my inability to walk 20m without dropping dead.
     
    Hashimishi and 0000000 like this.
  3. Gen3

    Gen3 Well-Known Member

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    Whats the title?
    Is it "i dont want to be in this vrmo" ?
    Sory i'm confused.. n u lost me already hahah
     
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  4. Tokin

    Tokin I despite ISSTH. [( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

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    I dislike VRMMOs with a passion, due to the fact that they are way to many of them.

    That isn't a good reason you know.

    By that logic you also hate xianxias because there are too many of them.
    By that logic you hate all reincarnation gene because there is too many of them.
    By that logic you hate jpn and chn because webnovels there are too many of them.
     
    luvist likes this.
  5. 0000000

    0000000 I B SMILING!

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    Nice~ please keep it up and thanks
     
  6. frenzy85

    frenzy85 Not Well-Known Yet

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    By which you are assuming that there are at least as many of those things as there are VRMMO novels in every language, including in alien civilizations that exist. :rolleyes:

    And who knows... OP might actually hate all those things you mentioned...
     
  7. tehrealone

    tehrealone 『Lurker』

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    Will you be breaking the 4th wall?
    Like deadpool?
     
  8. Kuro no Maou

    Kuro no Maou BABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABYBABY

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    Spotty grammar and pacing.
     
  9. momonga143

    momonga143 Well-Known Member

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    This is kinda nice lol is this gonna be on nu or just here in forums?
     
  10. HapUgMata

    HapUgMata Well-Known Member

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    at first i really thought this is a complain thread then i read the content and it's a story...

    this one is good for a casual read but at least put a sentence or 2 containing what he was doing before being transported in the game...i was all question mark at the first part of the story even after i read the synopsis...

    and is that the author's inner voice at the brackets???
     
  11. Anon Ymous

    Anon Ymous Well-Known Member

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    you call this a long title?
     
  12. Psyrhos

    Psyrhos Member

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    The title is:
    I don't want to be in this VRMMO and why is the title so long?
    (Added it now to to the first post)
    ----------------------------------------------------
    It is, if you think about it. I don't mind them personally. Some of them are actually fun. I just dislike the fact that there are some many of them, since the large number is actually damaging to authors and readers alike.
    It's like a restaurant that would only serve 1 food and that's it. No matter how good they would be at it, after a while you wouldn't want to see it for a long time.
    ---------------------------------------------------

    1) I won't explain it yet, since it would kill the main plot twist.

    2) Yes it is. I was a unsure if it's clear, but I think it should do fine?
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Only here in this Forum
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Should and will improve over the chapters. This was first thought to be not that large and more like a One Shot.
    ---------------------------------------------------

    If Genre-Awareness doesn't count. No, I don't have any plans for it.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Thanks for the overall respones. (And I should've made the title even longer)
     
  13. Gen3

    Gen3 Well-Known Member

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    Ohhh only in forum..

    I'm lazy in using the search button...
     
  14. Psyrhos

    Psyrhos Member

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    After small time of 10 hours, we finally reached Bask. It looked like your generic RPG-village. Once I made just on step on the ground a pop-up appeared on my head, telling me if I want to activate location tracking. Out of boredom I clicked "OK", since there shouldn't be anything bad happening from it. I hoped.

    Fe: "So do you have any rough idea what do you want do?"

    While she said that she looked happily towards the little children, which were playing dodge ball with a relatively large ball.


    Sam: "No Idea. I just don't want to be a warrior."

    Berthon, who was looking at me during the entire journey, making sure that I didn't just die, now switched to a much more aggressive reaction.

    Be: "ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT WARRIORS AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH?"

    Surprised by the amount of disappointed in his voice I was unable to speak anything at all. I basically just stood there with my mouth open. Fiona recognized my inability to form any sort of words and helped me out of the situation by calming him down.

    Fe: "I don't think he meant it that way."


    This was actually true. As much as I had a bad impression of him during the first few minutes, he revealed himself to be a decently nice person. The ball of the children flew in my direction, hitting my head and causing my nose to bleed like retarded.

    [Why does it even hurt!?!]

    Instead of complaining that one of the kids threw it towards me, I was wondering why there was even pain in this world. This made no sense at all.

    [Maybe I should ask later on?]

    A small boy, roughly 8 years old walked towards me. I looked at him, waiting for him to make fun of my outfit. He quickly shattered my expectations by just excusing and taking the ball, which was lying right near my feet. He then happily went back to his playmates and continued with his game.

    [This isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.]

    Sam: “It really wasn’t meant to be an insult or anything like that.”

    The two siblings shifted their attention towards me, questioning what I meant by that, considering that the topic was already finished earlier on. Few seconds later Berthon understood my words.

    Be: “IT’S ALRIGHT!”

    His sister looked concerned towards him. She placed her soft-looking, fragile hand on his large shoulder, while comforting him. I switched my focus to a building, which was very busy at the moment. I came to conclusion that this was a very important building. Fiona noticed my interest towards it and told me

    Fe: “This is what we were searching. It’s the place to get new jobs.”

    Sam: “Oh. But why is it so busy?”

    Fe: “Usually it’s pretty dead.”

    Be: “THIS IS PROBABLY DUE TO THE FACT THAT NEW PLAYERS COME IN A WAVE!”

    Sam: “Why?”

    Fe: “I guess so that they won’t get discriminated that quickly.”

    Pretty much everyone in the crowd wore fairly normal looking clothing. I tried to get information on a random person, to see their stats and equipment, however it didn’t work.

    […am I too far away?]

    Berthon grabbed my arm, without any prior warning and dragged me towards the queue. Fiona decided to leave us shortly, just after we integrated us in the flow of humans.

    Fe: “Sorry, I just hate being close to people.”

    Be: “OK. CAN YOU TELL HOW LONG IT MIGHT TAKE?”

    She silently counted the people in front of here, calculated the time used per person and then gave her answer.

    Fe: “I guess around 40 minutes.”

    [Really? Fuck off.]

    A random person, which I’ve never seen before in this life. Suddenly spoke to me.

    RP: “Oh hello, you are new here right?”

    Sam: “Hello? Yes…”

    I was clearly confused. I usually don’t have many problems with people talking to me, but this one scared me. And I had a bad feeling about him.

    RP: “Did I scare you?”

    Be: “LEAVE HIM ALONE!”

    [What?]

    RP: “You have nothing to do with him!”

    BE: “I DO! I GUIDE HIM!”

    RP: “You guiding someone? What comes next? You being able to properly talk? You dipshit of a Warrior.”

    Sam: “Who is-“

    Before I was able to finish my sentence Berthon punched the stranger with full force towards his stomach, breaking a few of his ribs and making him nearly fall on the floor. With less than three steps he regained his balance and almost vomited.

    [Holy shit.]

    Without hesitation Berthon initiated another punch, aiming at his head. Just before the impact, his opponent was able to cast a Spell, which summoned a storm of lightning, affecting an area of roughly 5 meters.

    [So there is magic here. More things that I hate.]

    With my stats it would be suicide to be close to them and the queue was quickly getting less and less, so I decided to ignore the fight and continue onwards. A short time later I heard a loud noise, which sounded like a discharge. The lighting reached from the ground up to the sky, impaling and burning Berthon in the process. His sister, who was looking at them the entire time from a safe distance, walked towards him and whispered something in his ear. The entire crowd turned around as Berthon started strangling the stranger. His grip was getting stronger and stronger. While Fiona was looking at him with disappointment. Her eyes even showed glimpse of sadness.

    Sam: “Who is that?”

    Fe: “This is Ravon Permu, Magician and person that my brother hates. For a good reason”

    Sam: “Why?”

    Before she could answer, Ravon escaped at the last moment by casting a teleport spell. Seemingly annoyed by this Berthon threw a rock towards the ground, shattering it. The large crowd opened a path for him, allowing us to quickly reach the counter. The overall expression showed by the people around us was fear and respect. I also felt very uneasy with the current situation.

    [Can I go quickly?]

    CL: “Hello. Please give your name.”

    I took a while to realize that the counter-lady was talking to me. Since I was embarrassed of my late response (and the shit I am still wearing), I shortly blushed.

    Sam: “Sorry. My name is Sexually Attractive Male.”

    She raised her left eyebrow while writing my name down.

    CL: “Do you know your stats?”

    Sam: “No.”

    CL: “I’ll show you them. Please put your hand right on this symbol.”

    Without thinking I did what she wanted from me. I registered a quick vibration and felt heat coming from the place where my hand was. It took only a few seconds until a window popped up, visible for everyone.

    +++++++
    Stats (Sexually Attractive Male)
    Strength: 2
    Defense: 3
    Movement: 1
    Charisma: 12
    Endurance: 1
    Luck: 4
    +++++++

    [This looks like shit.]

    Sam: “Is this good?”

    CL: “I am sorry. But this is horrible. You have a lot to do before we can give you a proper job.”

    Just after I got used to this new world I of course had to get such terrible stats. It’s like I didn’t belong here at all. I hoped all the time, that it was just a dream.

    Sam: “Isn’t there anything I can do?”

    CL: “With the Charisma-stat you might be able to become a {Beast-Tamer}. However even that stat is bad in comparison.”

    Sam: “I don’t care give me that job.”

    Be: “ARE YOU SURE? DESPITE REQUIRING NEARLY NO GOOD STATS AT ALL, IT’S ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS JOBS OUT THERE!”

    Sam: “If this removes me from this world then I’ll want to do it even more.”

    Fe: “Why do you hate Saiaku that much?”

    I couldn’t really answer her, since I didn’t trust them enough to tell them my reason. Which made me feel a bit uncomfortable, thanks to the fact that her question was clearly due to her worrying about me.

    [I am kind of terrible…]

    CL: “Ok. {Beast-Tamer} it is.

    I looked up, waiting for a short signal to announce my new job.

    *ding*

    [Ah there it is. Right above my name.]

    Be: “GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. I WILL HELP YOU BUT I AM NOT GOING TO CARRY YOUR CORPSE AROUND!”
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2016
    Sebastian and Hashimishi like this.
  15. Hashimishi

    Hashimishi Well-Known Member

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    There's a few missing words in your text I think (I'm not native tough so I might be wrong ):

    - "causing my nose to bleed like retarded." like a retarded ?
    - "questioning what I meant with that" what I meant by that
    - "Concerned looked his sister towards him." His sister turned a concerned look towards him ?
    - "I usually don’t have many problems with people talking to me, this one scared me." I usually don't ... , but this one scared me
    - "The lighting was reached from the ground up to the sky" using stretched here could be better imo
    - "Before she could answer escaped Ravon at the last moment" Before she could answer, Ravon escaped
    - "I registered a quick vibration and heat" I felt ? .-.
    - "You have a lot do before we can give you a proper job." a lot to do
    - " Which made feel a bit uncomfortable" which made me
     
  16. hawkenss

    hawkenss Well-Known Member

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    Why are you accentuating some thoughts by putting them in square brackets when the story is written in first person? I'm legitimately confused here.
     
  17. Psyrhos

    Psyrhos Member

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    1. It's used as an adjective
    2. Fixed
    3. Fixed
    4. Fixed
    5. Removed the "was"
    6. Fixed
    7. Fixed
    8. Fixed
    9. Fixed
    ---------------------------------------------------
    This had a reason in the first version of the story (which only had 1 chapter so far and I never posted it online), where Sam's first person he meets is actually a Succubus with a certain skill:
    She can read the minds of people, but only the sexual-themed words, even if the thought doesn't have any sexual reasoning. For example: Insults.

    I might add her later to the story. As well as more mind-readers.
    ---------------------------------------------------
    I'll try to do a chapter weekly (or at least once a month).
    Chapters will be either short or long, as they don't end at a certain number of words/pages but rather after a certain event.

    The next chapter will probably be a long one (since it will be about the village Bask)
     
  18. Psyrhos

    Psyrhos Member

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    I'll drop the story.

    This is not because I don't know what to do.
    It's because I don't like the way it's written myself. It just feels extremely awkward to write.
    Especially due to the fact that I heavily prefer writing in third person.

    Also I'll be using the time where I am not writing to read more stories in order to improve my writing skills.

    The story is based on the 5 steps of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)

    The denial part are the 2 Chapters

    Anger:
    >Berthon will unveil more and more informations about Ravon
    >Fiona and Berthon will split after a while due to Ravon
    >Sam gets imprisoned due to attacking a NPC (not damaging him, since you can just walk through him)
    >At the start of his beast taming he doesn't really know how to do it, blaming the monsters for his own failures.
    >Sam starts distrusting Berthon
    >Sam goes towards Fiona, since she is the only person he can really talk to currently.
    >Fiona and Sam start to hate each other, after she found out, that Sam stole Berthon's diary
    >After reading through it Sam gives the diary back anonimously hoping that they'll forgive him.
    >Sam figured out how to tame beasts and starts hunting with them. First for food and later just for fun.
    >Berthon realizes that he stole his diary
    >Enraged he tries to attack Sam, which failed as Sam used 2 monsters to heavily damage Berthon and escape.
    >Fiona finds the near death Berthon and helps him, despite their conflict.
    >Both of them send out people to find Sam and punish him.

    Bargaining:
    >Sam starts his journey and realizes that he needs food and money to survive.
    >He tries dealing with all different people to give him shelter and accept his quests.
    >He offers himself as a hunter earning quite a lot of money. By building a small shop, where people can come in and give requests.
    >Ravon buys a few monsters from Sam and gives him a home.
    >Ravon and Sam soon start to get friends, even though Sam knows what he did.
    >Sam starts talking with Ravon about Ravon's past.
    >Ravon tries to make him forgive him, by offering a rare book, with informations about a legendary being.
    >Interested Sam takes it and starts asking questions about it everywhere and searching for clues about it's existance.
    >After a while he finds it and tries to learn more and more about.
    >He increases the amount of captured monster in his journey to an insane amount, where he can order the destruction of multiple villages at the same time.
    >The city where he lives gives him the opportunity to be regarded as a "General".
    >He meets again with Berthon and Fiona, with Berthon attacking him immediately upon seeing him with Ravon.
    >Ravon rescues Sam, due to Sam not having any beasts near him.
    >Enraged Sam threatens to wipe out the village where Fiona and Berthon live.
    >Fiona tries to deal with Sam to protect her home.
    >Sam eventually decides to leave the village intact.
    >Ravon destroys the village himself.
    >Sam gets accused of the destruction by Fiona.
    >He figures out that Ravon did and orders his monsters to kill Ravon
    >He nearly loses his title of "General" due to manslaughter

    Depression
    >Fiona and Berthon no longer speak to Sam
    >He hasn't learned to speak to other people as he only can speak to people when he really needs something to survive.
    >The comrades he got due to him being a general soon leave him one after another, since he can't really work with humans.
    >A lot of his monsters start dying due to diseases.
    >He meets the Succubus Lavvi
    >Sam doesn't trust Lavvi, telling her that she will just kill him anyway.
    >Lavvi decides to just follow him and offer hims sex only once in a while (which he refuses).
    >After learning about how well Sam treats his monsters Lavvi develops an interest for him.
    >Sam accepts Lavvi and starts liking her (now accepting the sex she offers)
    >Fiona and Sam meet way later and they forgive each other, as she figured out, that he wasn't responsible.
    >Sam hears from Fiona that Berthon got killed during the mission.
    >Fiona tries to live with him, but Sam doesn't want it.
    >Fiona later on walks around without purpose and later on dies to the disease, that killed a few of Sams monsters.
    >Sam hears about it, which makes him even more depressed.
    >Lavvi helps him through this phase
    >Lavvi learns about Sam and the fact that he knew Berthon.
    >She tells him about his mission, that was to destroy the borders of different lands, allowing people and creatures to walk more freely.
    >Sam realizes that this is the only reason why he was able to meet Lavvi
    >Sam and Lavvi marry after a few years.

    Acceptance:
    >He finally tries to approach the legendary monster
    >After figuring out what it does he overcomes his fear of speaking with people and builds an entire army consisting of thousand of Navis Comendenti and Volnus Armis as well as hundreds of even bigger (flying) ships, armed with the newest technology.
    >People from different countries go to him
    >He builds a large amount of friendships over the time.
    >Lavvi's pregnancy starts
    >Sam becomes a father and upon seeing his own son he starts accepting the life in this world.
    >He names the child Berthon in remembrance towards Berthon as without him, he would've never gotten that far.
    >He starts the war with the legendary being and heavily underestimated it.
    >Without problems the legendary being wipes out half of his army forcing them to retreat
    >Sam starts learning about war strategies
    >He let's the legendary being rest for few years and helps his child growing
    >He attacks it once again, with a strategy that proves a lot better
    >He never gets the upperhand, but it looks good for a while
    >Lavvis finds out that the legendary being is responsible for the disease.
    >Fueled of hatred Sam attacks it with a lot more aggression, making it even flinch and feel pain.
    >During the war Lavvis nearly dies, due to a piece of a building dropping on her.
    >The legendary being rescues her without problem, making Sam wondering why he even started the war in the first place
    >Interested in it he approaches it and learns quickly that it's smart enough to communicate with humans
    >After a while he retreats his part of the army slowly and figures out that the legendary being is responsible for the existance of death.
    >At first he is thinking about killing him, to protect his beasts but is quickly against it, since it would stop evolution as well.
    >His comrades try to force him to continue his own war.
    >Over the course of a year they manage to mortally wound the legendary being
    >Sam helps the being, to return the favour done by it (that favor was rescuing Lavvi)
    >He orders his part of the army to fight against the army currently fighting against the being.

    It ends with Sam being the pet of the legendary being and slowly dying and vanishing. Leaving Lavvis and her son alone.
    Later on it is revealed that this world is built to be the guide to death, as all people who go through the phases in large amounts in the world in the exact order will vanish from it. With Sam being the first one and thus being seen as a "Holy Person".

    That was the reason why I didn't want to tell how he entered this world.
     
  19. Hashimishi

    Hashimishi Well-Known Member

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    Meaning the thread stop here I guess ?