Resolved Family problem, help

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I want to tell you if your husband or brother in law bully and abuse you or your sister emotionally and treated her like slave or trash. What to you do?
This is problem that’s trouble me lot. I am crying and sad. My eldest brother in law always bully my eldest sister, he kept blame on her and complain saying that he hate their children and her and want to leave them. He never work house chores. he never care for children, wash his clothes. My sister did all this, she sent her kids school, then got work and do all house work after coming home from work. Brother in law never did that, he is lazy, smoke, drunk and give money to his friends. He check young girls picture and chat with girls. He eat, sleeping and he don’t work anymore. (Don’t know if he is fired from job or not).
When it’s come to my sister message her old divorce male friend from her birth country. He assume worst and think she is talking and calling her friend. He assume worst like as if she is having affair. My sister talk back to him saying that she only message little, she never call him. She even block or unfriend her old friend. He still kept saying shit like he want to give her to her old friend. He kept say to her that he hate her and children. How dare he say that to her. So my sister kept apologized. Brother in law even unblock and friendly her old friend to see what old friend message her. Her old friend message her why you block me (he didn’t know that he is message brother in law lol). He deleted my sister Facebook pic and change her password. It’s been four day, he still talk that stupid thing. My sister say that her head hurt and she is depression.
My nephew say that he will leave home after graduation, say that he will never come home. He say that he hate it. My niece trying to comfortably my sister(her mother). She say that she will never marry. She call her mother stupid for apologizing to immature dad when it’s wasn’t her fault.

My nephews and nieces scared of brother in law(their father) when he come home or wake up, they sit like statue and carefully not to make him angry. He really has angst issue. When he go out. They start chatting and talk, laughs.

I suspiciously that my brother in law is having affair with young girl when he left home for month saying that he want to meet his friend. I hopefully it’s not true. I really wish he change to became better dad and husband. I want him to remember how hard my sister work for him. He is 40+ still selfish, immature and childish. He even say that he hate them to my nieces, nephews. My niece was crying. She saying that she don’t like her father. My parent know about it, they saying to my sister and niece to message rude to old friend, my parent told them to message old friend like because of you, brother in law and sister is argue. I am like if old friend know it, it’s likely he will laughing at brother in law childish behavior. I hate how my parent and my eldest sister forget that how he treat bad to my eldest sister before. She came crying to my home. I still remember it, how my parent give money to my brother in law and his family and beg them not to bully her.

Is it bad that I hate their relationship and want them to divorce. So I want to see who cook for him, wash his clothes, clean dishes. My sister is soft heart, she is too kind. She kept forgive him after he treated her like trash. I feel like I really want to hit my head on wall because of their problem.

 

She should divorce him because if your sister as as you say then she is too good for him

 

So your sister has Stockholm Syndrome and your brother-in-law is a piece of shit. If he doesn't work anymore then I see no reason why she still hasn't kicked him out yet. The problem is how to convince her because Stockholm Syndrome makes it hard and she might even lash out on you if you force it

 

I know, my opinion doesn't matter but I'm so angry. Your bil should be in jail for domestic be it emotional or physical abuse. Heck, I won't even put it above him that he abuses the children. Their reaction to him is prove enough. Even , if he does non of those which he obviously does, extra-marital affair is enough ground for a divorce. I think your sister need psychological help. I hope your sister will be okay.

 

My two cents (I know not what culture you're from): Have him kicked out. Get a restraining order, get him out of their life. If what you say is true, get social workers involved, get them to toss out the drunken oaf. As I said, I don't know what culture you're from and what country, but in mine we have abuse prevention programs and at least what I've heard from others, it's effective.

 

At that time, My second sister and my mom was with my aunt and uncle in nepal. they say that they will deal with it till they coming home. It’s likely they will help sister divorce him. Hopefully my sister don’t get back with brother in law. My younger sister doesn’t believe they will divorce. She tell me how much eldest sister forgive him and getting back with him.

 

Don’t say jail, my parent, my eldest sister never want to him in there. Even he treated her like shit, my parent still had love for him. They trying to education him and my second sis trying to find job for him. When I say that he is bad and worst, he will never change. my parent scold me and say to me that never say bad thing to your eldest brother in law. They make me feel so guilty for him.

 

Their relationship seems complicated, I say you need to understand more why he thinks that your sister might be cheating on him, and why she keeps forgiving him , there are lots of points that seem mysterious/ambiguous from what you said (or at least from what I understood), I think both your bil and eldest sister are hiding secrets

 

Something similar happened in my friend's family as well. I'd say make your sister (by make I mean try to talk sense into her or even making her kids do the talking) save up some money and then when the brother in law goes away in one of his long 'trips', take the kids and leave. Making a scene isn't necessary but letting the neighbors know what kind of a person your brother is is important. If your sister and her kids can't stay with your parents, booking a cheap lodge or staying over at a friend's house might work. The important thing is to make the brother in law realize who does all the work and that he'd be screwed if your sister doesn't take care of the house.
This and some more seemed to have worked for my friend even though it complicated her life a lot. Good luck. Hopefully the situation gets better.

Also, something seems fishy. Why would your parents pay him to stop bullying your sister but also praise him and scold you when you speak ill of him?

 

Nepal.
my eldest sister was uneducation, she marry him at 15 year. At that same time, my dad use to beat mom and them. Brother in law pursue/woo her, he told her he love her and ask her to elope with him. As naive and stupid she did elope with him. She drop school to be housewife/wife. brother in law did drop school too.
Can’t get rid of Patriarchy culture in their mind. They live in US now.

 

Well, that kind of behaviour is domestic violence under my local laws, so I'd call the police and get her into counselling

EDIT: just to clarify, that's what I would do, not a recommendation. See if there are any community legal services in your area to get advice

 

He never listen to her, he always lie, blame on her. So hard to communicate with him. He kept say that he hate them. Also her old friend have children, he live in Nepal. My sister and brother in law live in US. How can he assume worst. It’s more likely he is tire of my sister and their children. He Wanted find young wife.

 

Put an hidden cam to record how badly she is treated. May be useful when asking for divorce.

 

People who blame everyone except themselves. Is a major flaw just right off the bat. No body is perfect but, the thing is. If you want to ruin your life than go ahead but, when you start dragging down those around you. Now we have a problem. The lady needs to think about her kids and herself. The longer they are in this abusive relationship. The greater the damage will be. She had a perfect opportunity when he left for a month. Communication and compromise are key to any relationship. There is none her. She needs a man. Not a grownup selfish man child.

 

If they are living in the US now, I think your sister has a better chance to make it on her own with the kids. She needs some psychological support to understand that she is her own person and that man is only guilt-tripping the whole family. Do you know if there's any close friend there or if she has access to NGO that can help her?

 

Thank you, I will trying to talk her.

 

Thats messed up, Whilst best and most effective option is just to Divorce that parasite, your sister is clearly not in the best mental state and is probably constantly refusing to leave him due to this, fear and depression is probably effecting her judgement and ability to take action. I would say first, find your sister some help, professional outside help, therapist or police idk whats the best, you as a loving sibling would have to decide but the most important thing is your sisters mental state.
be there for her, and talk to her about getting help, dont accuse her of anything or call her crazy, you might have to push a little bit, as I'm absolutely sure that your sister does not want to stay like that nor love that man. but tell her, SHE IS NOT OKAY, even if she says shes okay, says its her fault, always ALWAYS DENY HER.

thats just what depression does to you, you feel that it's your fault, that YOU should be the one that has to be kind and have a bigger heart, that you should hold it together.

tell her that its "okay, to not be okay". someone who's depressed desperately wants a way out, but when someone offers it they're too scared to take it, repeatedly assure her that you are there to give her a way out, that she should take it. That its okay to make a big deal out of it and that its not their fault if it becomes a big deal.

 

Thanks you, my niece and I didn’t call her crazy, stupid in front of her. Yesterday I just message to my little sister how she is like Stockholm syndrome. After see your replied, I regret saying her Stockholm syndrome in message. I will trying to take care her. My second sis and mom told me, my nieces, nephew and my little sister to take care her till they come home.

 

First things first. Whatever you choose to do make sure he doesn't find out. Pricks like that have commonly killed the people who try to leave them.
Second. Get her into counselling. This will help more than you could know. Not only will they help her come to terms with the abuse, but it can be used in divorce cases, and in the worst case scenario, in a criminal case against him
Third. Make sure she knows she's not alone. Your family is doing more harm than good telling her he can change and shutting you up when you speak against him. They are making her feel that she would be isolated if she left him and that is part of the reason that she is sticking with the monster.
Fourth, and this is the most important. Talk to your family. Don't let them berate you for speaking against him. Gather statistics and knowledge about abuse and convince them that he is no good. As long as your sister doesn't have her family's support she's going to stick with the jerk.

 

Their relationship remind me of Nepali movies how ML drunk/abuse and kick out FL from home. He regret doing it after realizing he miss her and love her. FL forgive her. There are lot of Nepali old movies like this. I thought it was just unrealistic story. I realize some of plot are from real life.