Resolved Family problem, help

From the times I encountered this, the hardest part will be getting your sister to leave him and not take him back. It's going to be a long process and very frustrating. The main thing is to tell her you support her and find out why she is staying.

 

Thank you, I will trying to talk back to them. Before they use to making me feel guilty, they talk to me like children need father, don’t destroyed their family. They make me feel like I am bad guy. But now they don’t make me guilty. They only told me to take care of her and they will deal with it till coming home. They are in Nepal. I am sure they will help sister divorce him. If not, I will fight back.
My nephew skip school, go out with bad friend, smoke. I really didn’t know it. I just found it yesterday from secretly reading my nieces and my little sister messages each other. he doing it was because he have depression and hate to going home. My nieces and little sister message each other that he need therapy and how Asian parent don’t understand mental heathy. They didn’t tell it to me cause they were scared that I will tell to my mom and second sis. Even they trying to hid about that message and argue fight between brother in law and sister from my mom and second sis.

 

The divorce would be good not only for her, but for her children as well. It's so damaging to not feel safe or comfortable in your own home. So maybe that's something to bring up to her too? Because it's not even just that, he's telling them himself that he doesn't like them, and treating their mother like trash right in front of them. Sometimes, if they can't do it for themselves, they can do it for their children. I really hope your sister and her children can separate themselves from him, they deserve to be happy and valued.

If she can, finding a good therapist who will validate her might help! Sometimes it takes an outside perspective for someone to realize just how badly they were treated.

 

Thank you for help. Asian parent/sisters refuse mental health treatment or therapy. Only way to do is take care of them.

What to do if my mom and second sis come home from Nepal after weeks. My brother in law pursued her, My eldest sister forgive brother in law, Then she get back with him, refuse to divorce. Will my parent and second sis think he is change? Will they force her to divorce him? I don’t dare think it. Niece, nephew and my little sister also think divorce is better for her. They don’t believe that they will divorced. Cause they know how much sister forgive him and get back with him.

Before My parent use to think divorce is bad thing, children need both father and mom. My parent refuse to let my third sis divorce her husband cause they have a newly month baby.

 

Read some transmigrated into abused young miss novels. Then frame the bastard and get him kicked out

 

He's an abuser, so... Ah, this will be tricky. My sister was in an abusive relationship when I was a kid and we were very lucky that she left him at all.

Firstly, you can't force her to leave him - there's no such thing as saving an abuse victim, they have to save themselves. Trying to criticise him will also backfire because she's under his spell, so she'll want to defend him and pull away from you.

Abusers are pathetic, weak pieces of scum who need to hurt other people to feel powerful and important. Often they have nothing going for them in the real world, but they construct a complicated web of illusions and mind-fucking to trap their victims and exert control over them.
That web often revolves around destroying their victim's self-esteem, deluding them with steadily increasing lies to justify the abuser's behaviour, isolating the victim from those who would help or reassert rationality, and more besides. Commonly the victim ends up in a cycle of self-loathing and may believe that they deserve what's happening to them.

The best way I know to help free a victim is to destroy that illusion from the inside. Whatever he does to trap her, counteract it.
This means, for example, building up her self-esteem by supporting her, gently complimenting her, taking her out to remind her that she's strong, independent, smart, etc.
Give her somewhere to turn for help, always. Ways to contact you that her abuser can't cut off.
Find indirect ways to undermine him at every step, and strengthen her whenever you can. She'll hopefully break out from his mind games on her own.

There may be other issues holding her back too, like financial abuse (preventing her escape by controlling all finances) or the fear of his final retaliation (abusers whose victims leave them sometimes strike out and attempt to kill them as revenge). Those are things that everyone needs to band together to tackle.

Even with every effort being made, though, nobody can promise success. It's all up to your sister.

 

Thank you, sister. My eldest sister didn’t think they have abuse relationship. Honestly she think this was normal relationship. I am praying she will divorce him. What he do without her. He never have wash his clothes/do house chores/ babysit his kids. I can imagine his room and clothes stinks,
But there is big problem that my family have soft heart and they always forgive. That’s how my eldest sister inherited their soft and kind gene. My dad is like fool, he doesn’t know his youngest brother is money greedy. My dad sent lot of US dollar to him. My eldest brother broke relationship with younger uncle after he realize how he only ask money. If he didn’t give money to him, he will say rude words to eldest uncle. But my father still talk to him and give money. After becoming rich that youngest uncle left his wife and children for young girl who look like his daughter age. His wife and children live in India. He live in Bhutan. Thinking about how much money dollar my dad and eldest uncle give to him. US dollar to Bhutan rupee
73,405.00 Rupee- 1,000 dollar. That’s so lot of rupee, when I was in Nepal, my parent give us 1 rupee only at festival day. you earn is 700 or 800 dollar in US. How can my dad give him lot of money while my dad only give us 5 money sometimes. he didn’t even buy us any iPad or iPhone. My sisters and mom only buy us iPhone or golden jewelry. My second sister also buy warm clothes or jacket, iPhone for dad. Mom was very proud of second sister as she pampered on her and filial to her. She even take mom to many beautiful place. When I was young, live in Nepal, Many neighbors use to tell my mom that she will never became rich or will never wear golden necklace or jewelry cause she give only females, not male. They told my mom daughter will left you to live with husband. They told her Only having son make you rich, he will stay with you with his wife. My dad and mom had bad relationship cause of not giving male. After coming US, my dad started change, he never fight. He love us more than my mom. I wish he Love my mom more than us.

 

Your brother in law is cheating on your sister. He’s way to insecure and suspicious of her because he himself is having an affair.

Is he the bread winner of the family?
If he is then if ever they do get a divorce, then remember to sign a contract that he not only needs to give her alimony, he needs to give for his children’s needs.
If no, then just divorce him and squeeze all the money he has.

 

He is not bread winner, he quit job. I think he was fired or something. My second sis trying to find him job. I don’t know if she succeeds of him finding one. My eldest sister work to earn money to supporting them. She use her money to buy thing for her children. He have never give money to her. He can give money to his friend or gambled.
Nephew is 12 grade high school, niece is 8 grade middle schooler, other two(10,6 year) is at elementary school.

 

In a word, divorce.

The guy probably has low esteem issues or some such, but it's not good enough excuse to let him stay.

If your sister refuses to divorce, ask her if the happiness of her children matter to her, because they're the ones hit hardest.

If she still wants to stay with him, maybe try to arrange her children living with another, safer, relative... they can still visit their mother after all.

 

I was thinking of them living with us. We have two guest room. No one sleeping in there. My niece stay with us at Friday and Saturday, sleep at our home. If sis divorce him, she will live with us. My parent and other older sis will take care of her and her children

 

Well talk to your niece and nephew before you make any arrangements for them. Generally children that are in this kind of situation are a bit more independent and like to take decisions for themselves.

 

Well, my parents had a divorce when I was a kid, caused by alcohol abuse and cheating they called "love ended", and it came relatively(?) soon.

It was all around best solution.

However, as result my brother cut all ties with my father early on, my sis still interacts with him, and I cut ties with him recently, almost 20 yrs later, 'cos he's been doing the same thing again to his current long term gf.

I damn well don't want to see a 50-60 yr old guy guilt trip himself into my safe haven of a flat, just because he is mentally a 3 yrs old and bites the hands he feeds on with lies, slander and such.

Not divorcing or being indecisive about it is not kindness. It's being indecisive and insecure, but most likely also largely influenced by her family oriented culture.

As one who went through that, albeit briefly, the whole thing will definitely leave scars on the kids... at the very least severe trust issues, insecurity, subconscious fear of attachement and other people, over use of escapism, and maybe even depression that can get worse in life because of the trust and fear issues.

What else... the scars can also raise their standards for partners to the degree they're forever alone like me.

Is letting that go on and happen to your kids kindness or being a good family oriented mother... or selfish indecisiveness?

Addendum:
Oh yeah, I don't hate my dad (to me more a childhood acquintance), since he isn't really a bad person... just an "unfortunate" one. I wish him well... but he has to take responsibility for his actions like a real adult.

 

That’s good that your parent divorce. I don’t know why my parent and eldest sister think divorce is bad, hope my sister divorce him, if she don’t, their children will leave them one after one. Their eldest son already plan to leave them after graduation from school. He doesn’t stay at home much. He go out with his bad friend who smoke. My eldest sister trying to prevent him from going out by buy him ps4 or xbox. She never beat him, But my Brother in law beat him. That’s why they scared of brother in law(their father). Beating is normal in Asia. But US is different.