Hello, please check out my novel!

Discussion in 'Community Creations' started by yukijilly, May 31, 2020.

  1. yukijilly

    yukijilly Member

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    Hello! I've recently started writing a novel. Here is the first chapter:
    As she laid dying on the cold floor, blood flowing endlessly out of her wounds, Mia had only one wish.

    "I don't want to die."

    Indeed, death was a scary thing, but it was also an inevitable truth. In Mia's case, she was destined to die that very night, in the hands of a man she once called her lover. "It's unfair." She thought, as she was only 27 years old.

    "I have so many things I want to do."

    She had always wanted to go abroad, ride a horse, play at the national hall and do many more things. She spent her final moments dreaming of doing everything she wanted to do, and visiting all her sweet memories. Time seemed to be flowing at an unbelievably slow pace. However, all dreams were come to an end. As the last ounce of hope she had held onto with slipped away along with her consciousness, she drew her last breathe.

    "Ah, I am dying."

    She thought, as a peaceful warmth covered her entire body. She felt divine light fill her entire soul, as she fell into a deep slumber. The pain was gone, and all she was feeling was pure, absolute hollowness. Yes, she was feeling empty, but it was no meaningless emptiness, it was a numbing, peace giving emptiness. She had left this world, but little did she know, the journey of her soul was yet to come to an end. Afterall no soul died, it only changed hosts.


    "My lady, my lady?" Mia was awakened from her deep slumber by a voice, who sounded very familiar, calling out to her.

    "Is this heaven?" She lifted her eyelids slowly, and warm sunlight entered her eyes.

    "The sun." She thought. Was there sun in heaven? She was unwilling to wake up now. "Let me rest a little more." Her thoughts, however, were interrupted yet again as the voice, presumably of a young woman, called out again.

    "You have to wake up now, it's time for lunch." Eh? Lunch? She was feeling irritated. She was being awakened in afterlife for lunch? She opened her eyes yet again to see who was disturbing her for this so called "lunch".

    "Eh?" She was puzzled. This was no heaven! She was in a room, seemingly of a young child, as the whole room was covered with toys and teddies. The ceiling was high, unlike that of a modern house, and the walls were covered with elegant, old-fashioned wallpaper. She raised her hands, only to face small, delicate fingers, belonging to a child.

    "Where am I?" This was her first time speaking out loud, and her voice sounded nothing like her! It was soft and melodic, and also had a young tone to it.

    "You are of course in your room, my lady! Are you perhaps feeling ill?" The owner of the voice, whom Mia had paid no attention to before, reached out from the side to touch her forehead. "I am in a bed?"

    "Oh, my lady is burning up!" The young woman spoke up. "Jeanette, call for the doctor and notify the marquis and marquess immediately!"The woman yelled to the door, and someone, probably of the name Jeanette, replied. "Understood."

    "Dizzy.." Mia mumbled. She had started to feel undeniably dizzy. Her vision was blurring, and she felt like she was losing her consciousness yet again.

    "Ugh, my head..." She whispered one last time, before passing out.


    When she woke up, she was aware. Upon falling asleep, she had regained all of this body's memories, well, her memories now. She was 13 year old Adelianne Valerie Dé Claire, the only daughter of the Dé Claire house. Her father was one of the 3 marquises of the Kingdom of Lorrainè, a powerful country possessing as much land as an empire in modern world would. She had an older brother, who was the heir of the house, and a younger brother, training to become a scholar. As for her, she was the very candidate to become the crown prince's fianceé. She had seemingly been training hard everyday for the very task, and she was quite eager to become take up the role. As so, she seemed to be in love with the crown prince, Leonard Alexander Caspiàn. He was currently 18 years old, and based off of her memories, had no interest in Valerie.

    Looking from an outsider's perspective, her life would seem pretty ideal and peaceful. However, the thing was, her life here was way to similar to that of a novel she used to read, "The Crown Prince found a Black Rose". And to her very luck, she seemed to be the villainess who was destined to die a young and painful death!

    "No!' Mia, who was now named Valerie, shouted as she rose from her bed, many beads of sweat on her forehead.

    "Valerie!' Her mother ran up to her bed and embraced her, planting kisses all over her while whispering thanks to god. Her gaze met with those of her father and brother when she rose her head. Her father was also looking worriedly to her, and her brother was gazing to the side uninterested, but worry obvious from his wet forehead.


    "I was asleep for 2 days?" Valerie repeated after her maid, Jen, explained. Her family had left a while ago, after asking her how she felt and expressing how worried they were. From her memories and impression from before, it seemed that her family loved her dearly and their relationship was rather good. But Valerie was filled with many thoughts, as she tried remembering the plot of the novel.

    She started thinking, trusting her memory to retrace the novel. "Ok, so I am reborn in the body of Adelianne Valerie Dé Claire, the main villain of the novel. Why am I the villain? Because I try to keep the female lead away from the male lead, who is to be my fianceé and husband further on. The female lead is Bridget Averly Mckain, the daughter of a merchant. She had been studying abroad but returns to her home country to become a scholar at the Royal Palace." So far, her memory had been good. "After arriving to the capital, she meets the crown prince, and they start to fall in love. I, however, am in love with the prince so I try to stop their love from growing, coming up with many wicked schemes. And at the young age of 19, I am executed after attempting to kill Averly and drug the prince. Eek!" She was to die, yet again? She was filling with anxious thoughts, as she started to think of a way to avoid her fate.

    "If I remember correctly, my engagement to the prince was made official when the prince returned from battle at the age of 19. So I still have about a year!" Valerie's face regained color again, as she realized she still had time to distance herself from the prince, therefore avoiding his rage. The maid standing on her side was watching with a baffled expression, as her lady's face had gone from having no color and looking hopeless, to determined and excited.

    "My lady, the time for dinner is close." She felt the need to interrupt, as the young lady seemed to be thinking way too much for her young age. "Would you like me to draw you a bath so you can get ready?" Valerie snapped back from her thoughts and nodded. She really felt dirty as she was bed driven for the last 2 days.


    After Jen and some other maids fitted Valeria with a daily outfit, she looked at the mirror with a disgusted face. "How extravagant!" Her dress was way too showy, full of bright colors and excessive decorations, not failing to show her nobelity one bit.

    "Do I perhaps..have anything less eye catching?" She hesitated before looking up to Jen for a reply. Jen, who had never thought her lady would say something of such, was shocked for minute before regaining her composure.

    "My lady, is your current closet unworthy of your taste? I am afraid all your outfits are quite..eye catching." She had almost said over the top. Valerie sighed, before looking around her room. Her whole room was like that, too. Decorated with over the top toys, and expensive looking stuff scattered all around the room. "I need to get rid of these, and get new clothes, as soon as possible!"

    "I'll be redecorating and redoing my closet, soon." She replied to her maid silently. "Yes, I will bring that up during dinner". She thought, as subjects she wanted to talk to her parents about at dinner piled up in her head. Jen, who was not used to such mature claims from her lady, nodded slowly, shaking it off as confusion due to her fever. And with that, the lady and her maid started making their way to the dining hall.


    Thank you for reading. If you like it, please let me know so I can publish it somewhere properly.
    Have a wonderful day!
     
    cocelean, Isaac20, ebonykun and 4 others like this.
  2. Nezothecat

    Nezothecat Member

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    First of all, congratulations. I love villainess isekai setting. I hope you finish it and send me the link where I can read it until it get famous and be bought.

    Just maybe read it again because some words got put there, which shouldn't be there. Like i think you were editing the grammar but neglected it.. Thank you. if you have time read mine also, it is in wattpad, my name is nezothecat.
     
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  3. yukijilly

    yukijilly Member

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    Hi! Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it! I am not a native speaker so constructive criticism really helps. I'll check out your story!
     
    Nezothecat likes this.
  4. AdorableDumpling

    AdorableDumpling Active Member

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    I love it!!! I am more of a danmei fan because i am really picky about my main character, but i like her. I will definitely read more. ❤
     
  5. mirfn

    mirfn Well-Known Member

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    Very nice! Keep up the good work
     
  6. Aniserose

    Aniserose Member

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    Oh I like it! I look forward to reading the next update
     
  7. gaibang

    gaibang New Member

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    it's cool but maybe come with a illustration would be better.
     
  8. gaibang

    gaibang New Member

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    do you think so?
     
  9. Isaac20

    Isaac20 Observer | A Red Sibling | [≡] ✍

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    My advice is do not give up. You have a wonderful ability to write. Over time, someone will try to knock you down with their toxic words. But believe in yourself. Even though it has a female protagonist I like your story. I look forward to reading it to the end.
     
    Silver Snake likes this.
  10. cocelean

    cocelean Member

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    Ooh, this is really interesting, I would love to read the future chapters! I'm a huge fan of anything with an isekai/reincarnation setting, and this seems like a good one! As someone else mentioned, there are a few grammatical errors here and there - but the way you write is amazing despite not being a native speaker. There are a few sentences that could be rephrased to create more of an impact, but that might just be something subjective.

    Here's a small idea of what I mean:

    As she lay dying on the cold floor, blood flowing endlessly out of her wounds, Mia had only one wish.


    "I don't want to die."


    Indeed, death was a scary thing, but it was also an inevitable truth. In Mia's case, she was destined to die that very night, in the hands of a man she once called her lover.


    It's unfair, she thought. She was only 27. She had so much more that she wanted to accomplish. (depending on how you do it, short sentences can create quite an impact based on the way someone reads it - of course, too many short sentences can nullify the effect and make it too fast-paced)


    She had always wanted to go abroad, ride a horse, play at the national hall, (maybe one more wish - to create a greater contrast between the previous short sentences and this long one. It reflects how she has an endless list of things to do, and emphasises that she no longer has the time) and do many, many more things. She spent her final moments dreaming of doing everything she wanted to do, and visiting all her sweet memories. Time seemed to be flowing at an unbelievably slow pace. However, all dreams eventually to come to an end. As the last ounce of hope she had held onto slipped away along with her consciousness, she drew her final breath.


    Ah, I am dying… (I tend to prefer thoughts being distinguished through italics or simply - Ah, I'm dying... - without it, as opposed to quotation marks - because usually those need something like she thought, she decided etc. and it gets quite repetitive and disrupts the flow later on, so I try to use it as little as possible.)


    Her eyelids grew heavy as a peaceful warmth engulfed her. She felt a divine light fill her soul, lulling her into a deep slumber. The pain subsided, leaving behind a pure, empty hollowness. But it wasn’t just a meaningless emptiness; it was a numbing, peace-giving emptiness. An emptiness that provided a strange sense of comfort and familiarity.

    She had left this world with all her unfulfilled wishes, but little did she know, the journey of her soul was yet to come to an end.

    Afterall, no soul died; it only changed hosts…

    ----------------------------------------------------------
    But this is just me at max level constructive criticism, and being quite the picky person:blobmelt:. Aside from tweaking the grammar, it's great as it is - I can't wait for future chapters!:blobsmilehappyeyes: