I Wrote this novel https://www.webnovel.com/book/broken-world-bw_22239112906309805 it is five chapter i want you to read and rate it and if you think I should continue it
Hi there, i took a bit of time and read your chapters (probably too fast, but still) It feels like many first chapters in a way , maybe some material would move in some other place of the narrative if you build upon your concept a bit more ? The first question that would come to my mind would be what exactly do you want to say ? the first point being about immortality, that’s an interesting idea, but it’s also actually pretty deep - we have the point of view of society it’s desired (is it an obligation?), it raise people into » god »(?), how does that work ? (We know too little?) - the true god point of view : it’s breaking a taboo (an heresy,). It provides an opportunity to entertain them (drives toward a pretty typical survival game ) -What was interesting was the point of view of the « body » : he did commit suicide to avoid immortality and considered it evil - why ? There, you do reach a fundamental question : you have a weak option :was he unhappy with his life ? (And you’ll get another of these abused or neglected kid? Way too many) Or did he reflect at a deeper level on the meaning of death ? Can it truly be forfeited ? Is it useless ? what’s the cost of a society without mortality ? What’s life without an end and what are the consequences ? Who can be born if no one dies ? Everything is finite, what about those who have power and those who don’t ? (There’s a pretty interesting, albeit sordid, movie where life expectancy has become the true currency, rich live forever while poors struggles in a life of quasi slavery for a very short time, never having the opportunity to enjoy or rebel) all of that is left without an answer, but immortality is not without consequences What kind of immortal society did you picture ? (Fair ? Unfair ?very unfair ? What are the plus and minuses ?) Then you have your character who doesn’t seem to belong : he seems upset he lost his shot at being immortal « for free » ? him having nothing to do with either the world and the gods, might be depriving you of the opportunity to really explore the particularity of your concept ? (There’s really no point in most transmigration stories ad the memories from earth seldom brings anything, appart from the odd tendency of bringing about some part of,our technical choices/fashion addiction /cuisine - without ever wondering about systemic impact) then you jump into a sum of things that have already a lot of variations : it seems to be a survival game ? You also have pretty typical standard : shop , killing as a mean to « improve «/ earn points, having a weapon as a short term priority … meh, I’d love to see these being challenged a bit more The last chapter bring both the broadcast concept and the idea to find another way to entertain, it’s a bit short to see if it actually brings anything to the table … but if it’s a challenge to the above, it could be cool ? there are lots of variations of stories with similar concept of any kind, and it it not something that will make a story good or bad , but you might still need to have a clear picture of where your own beliefs stands, what’s good d, what’s bad … what’s worth living for … and of what you want to say : both the universe and the characters are each going to sing their tune, to bring your own perspective to the readers It can be brainless and efficient, as long as you reader is kept engaged (identification, feelings, emotions) And deeper question will always bring the tale a bit further The first version is tech I challenging Both need your vision to be clear The second needs you to truly think about the world we live in, and how you translate it into a tale Of course, it can also be an opportunity to see what you’d like to challenge and maybe, what you’d like to see or how yo make if better - it can become very deep, whether you’re singing praise or vomiting how bad it is, and it can also be a place to truly try to push a different vision, the last one is certainly challenging as we tend to make more of what we know, but it’s fun as you can see there are lots of choices, and you can even have all of them in the same story (how great is that ?) so before asking others if it’s worth going on, i’d like to ask you if you feel you have a lot to tell with that world and these characters ?
thanks for the review actually as you said I didn’t want to get in the detail from the get go and also for the body why he commit suicide there is a expiation but the main character didn’t know it because he didn’t get the body full memories he only got few and because of that he doesn’t know how the world functions and the people that are immortal are all body’s with no souls you can say that they don't have thing to entertain them but the kids had souls so they played the games and are experience in this kind of situations and because the people didn’t have soul they were cold to there children and the children only got there love from the games they play and the mc was traveling in space for years when you finale got a body he was happy but only for it to get stolen he felt that he deserved to be immortal thank you for pointing out everything I really really appreciate that you read my novel and gave me fair review and I think I will either dump this novel or rewrite it but I think to hiatus it is better and I wrote a new novel this is it https://www.webnovel.com/book/travels-to-the-unknown_22796500005211105 there is only one chapter but still I think it will be a good novel and again thank you for the fair review
Grammar, punctuation, vocabulary... You have to address these issues before having someone review your work for content. It's fucking dogshit right now.