Discussion Help me

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Svl, Sep 19, 2020.

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  1. Svl

    Svl Well-Known Member

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    Hi guys
    Sorry for the bad English

    So here's the situation

    Today I received expensive chocolate from my office as a gift. It's my first time receiving something like this. So I'm pretty excited about this.
    It contains 8 chocolate pieces, so I ate 1 piece and my mom ate 2 or 3 piece, unfortunately, my dad not able to eat it.
    So I placed it in the refrigerator for my dad. But after that, my mom told me, that we should share it with my house owner.
    I told her that we shouldn't but I didn't tell her the reason for it. I thought that we should after give them after my dad ate it.
    Bit She sneakily took 3 pieces of chocolate and gave it to the house owner even after I said no and didn't even tell me about this.
    Afterwards, I found about this and asked her then only she told me the truth.

    After hearing her I got so pissed but what can I do except try to forget about it. But I can't forget it. I feel like I need to yell at someone but I can't. I know it's not my mother's fault. she only did that due to kindness.
    But my thoughts are different, I thought that first, we need to take care of ourselves then only we look out for others.
    I know it's just a chocolate but I hate that she didn't tell me about this. I'm afraid she might do things behind our backs. This time it's a small matter but what if she takes the money give to my relatives or friends without my knowledge if they asked her pitifully.
    I know I sound selfish but I experienced some things like I gave money to my friend due to kindness but didn't get it back. Even though he said he'll give it back to me afterwards.
    Is it wrong to think that we should look out our family first and prioritise it and then only look out for others problems when we have enough resources to help them?
    So what's your thoughts about this?

    Anyways thanks guys.
     
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  2. Sheng Ling

    Sheng Ling 【Translator】

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    op's situation sounds really greyed out tbh and your mom should have just given one or two at the maximum and not three since your father hadn't had one yet.. eh, it's just an opinion
     
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  3. Ceilo27

    Ceilo27 Well-Known Member

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    Well to be honest I understand your situation and it's okay to put yourself and your family as your first priority. I mean even I put myself and my family first before anyone and everything..... if it comforts you I will find it weird if here wasn't someone who don't protect their family (unless they are abusive of course)....
    but I can't say anything about your mom since I don't know her so I can't tell if she gave the chocolate away just because it was chocolate and nothing important....
    this is a suggestion but maybe you should talk about this with your dad (?) since your father knows and understand your mother more than us (and maybe you) he might assure you that she will not do it and if he thinks she might do it he will be able to talk to her (hipefully without a fight)....

    P.S:
    This might sound as the most obvious advice I'm about to give, but I always ruin it anyway whenever I'm talking to my parent, please relax and make sure you don't blow up when talking to either of your parents...

    I hope you aren't frustrated anymore after this
     
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  4. Shorng

    Shorng Rotten BL Fan

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    Isn’t that pretty normal? I mean, what you think is really reasonable because we aren’t Buddha, normally we have to put our family before anyone or anything else as they are important than outsiders who could betray or speak badly behind our back. The important point is family could help each other out when you face bad situations (well... most family...?) and we could trust them more than others (only my opinion tho) so I don’t think you have done anything wrong by saving the chocolate for your father in order for him to eat it first and if your father like it he might want to eat the rest or even want more so your mother shouldn’t have share it to others before your father even get to taste it.

    So, by saying all this, what I think you should do is, talk to your mother directly and privately just the two of you or you could with both your parents directly because it’s a family problem and not yours alone. They both need to know what you think and you need to talk to them about it before something more serious might happen. Don’t be afraid or think that they won’t listen to you, just speak your mind and opinions out and they will think about it seriously too. Because I’ve also speak my opinions on things like these and my parents do listen to what I have to say and did things base on some of my opinions. They are older doesn’t mean they know everything in the world that could happen because human learn new things everyday. Hope I help with this because it’s not serious yet but it will be serious if we don’t prevent it, don’t you think so? (Also, I saw what the previous commenter meant, but I wouldn’t want you to speak with your father alone just so he could speak with your mother later on because 99% they might quarrel. But if you were to speak with both of them at the same time, they will consider your opinion calmly and seriously without problem. Your present is important.)
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2020
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  5. otaku31

    otaku31 Well-Known Member

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    I agree with the thought that one should be looking out for oneself/family first. But are you sure your mother's motive was only kindness?

    I don't know your mother or your family's circumstances, so I can only hazard guesses here (by drawing on some of my own family experiences), but maybe she gave three bcuz giving just one or two might have made her appear mean-spirited? Maybe she is beholden to the landlord in some way and was repaying it? Maybe she was trying to get into their good graces? She could also be doing this for face... where I used to live, our neighbors would often share expensive chocolates everytime their son, working abroad, bought back some, and take this chance to boast about how well their son was doing and how well off he was, etc.

    Maybe you should better ask her to clarify why she did it as that might help in dispelling worries of such occurences repeating in the future.
     
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  6. Agecaf

    Agecaf Grand Archmathemagician

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    I don't think it's wrong, but like everything, it depends on a lot of things. One thing to keep in mind is that there's times others outside your family might reach out to you in need of your help; but this could be in need of your time, your experience, your point of view, etc.

    You can judge how much that'd be, and you might be willing to do different things for your family. For a stranger, I've walked around the city for hours. For my sibling, I've taken 3-day trips, 6 hour long trains, to help them move out.

    It's also ok to refuse to give certain types of help, eg monetary or material, even if it's to your own family.
     
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  7. AbrarMalik

    AbrarMalik Well-Known Member

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    sometimes you should just forgive others debt. this definitely doesn't mean that you forgive every time
     
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  8. doggo

    doggo Well-Known Member

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    Imo, it is perfectly normal to have different values/ways of thinking between family members. It is just that both parties should respect each other. There is still a precondition to this and it is open communication, they have to know your thoughts and limits, else how can they really respect what you wish for?

    Also, if you ate 1, mom took 6 and dad didn't eat any, what happened to the last piece? :hmm:
     
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  9. Svl

    Svl Well-Known Member

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    Lol, my dad ate the last chocolate


    I asked her about the chocolates, she said that the owner gave us a foreign brand chocolate before. So she gave the chocolates in order to repay the kindness. But that doesn't mean she have gave that much tho. The house owner is rich so they can afford that, but my family can't afford this. We rarely get this type of chocolate so why give them so much?, I asked her this but she said i shouldn't think like this and be kind to others.
    Well my father didn't think much about it so it didn't escalate to fight. I guess i ended in peacefull manner.
    But I'm still giving her a cold shoulder in order for her not to do things behind my back. Because it's frustrates me a little. Should i continue this for another hour before making up with her?
     
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  10. Bright_Lucky_Star

    Bright_Lucky_Star [Previously Known as OrdinaryUser] The Blessed One

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    Your mum just being kind for shared something to others, to me this is not a problem for relatively minor things like chocolates or cookies but I kinda see if circumstances are different, like involving big sum and how she can messed up your trust. I suggest you should talk to her and explain your thought about this more, especially something involved big sum money for instance.

    For loan, I believe both party involved should bind with contract if money on table is a lot, just in case if borrower is being difficult to fulfill obligation to pay the money back.
     
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  11. Shorng

    Shorng Rotten BL Fan

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    You can just speak with her that you cannot accept her doing things behind your back because if you’re giving her a cold shoulder she will just get hurt (her feelings, that is) and nothing will be resolved. (You also know that drama comes out of “no communication” right?) We, as her children, need to think more about parents’ feelings too because they’re easily hurt by our words and action sometimes. (I also did something to be regret for, thinking to what I did wrong before just gave me so much regrets even I was young but I couldn’t change the past so I hope you will do nothing wrong to be regret about now and in the future. Even it’s just a small matter now but you might feel like wanting to kill your past self after thinking about it later on.)
     
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  12. Ceilo27

    Ceilo27 Well-Known Member

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    Honestly? I think you really should stop giving your mom the cold shoulder after all she is your mother and you should always be more forgiving toward her...
    Whenever I get in a fight with my mom everyone around me reminds me that she give birth to me, raised me, feed me, taught me and so on...
    Seeing how much you care about your family I’m pretty sure that it is the same for your parents so you should always be tolerant toward them no matter what and be beside and if they were wrong with something then you should advice and reminds them of whats right and whats wrong... They are getting older with age (no offense to your parents) but when we were children it was our parents who literally bathed in our spite, poop and pee when we were young so it is our turn to take care of them this.. so please treasure every moment with your parents after all we all are humans you never know what happens next to you or your parent (and I don’t meant to be malicious toward you or your family) but anything can happen in the future...

    This is my advice but you don’t have to follow it and I don’t want to sound annoying or anything.
     
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  13. AbrarMalik

    AbrarMalik Well-Known Member

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    Let’s just say that the female gender has more of a soft corner.
     
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  14. FIEND

    FIEND i eat crayons

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    next degree paranoia bruh
    build a bridge alr
     
  15. Svl

    Svl Well-Known Member

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    Well i didn't mean it in harsh way when i said that im giving her a cold shoulder.
    It's more like fun way by not doing things like cleaning the room when she told me to clean. Something like this. Even she knows that I'm not mad.
    Well after posting the thread, i ended up speaking with her. It didn't even last like 10m. :blobjoy:
     
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  16. Wujigege

    Wujigege *Christian*SIMP*Comedian

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    Destroying familiar relationships over chocolate is just dumb.
    Let it go.
    You have already started thinking up hypothetical situations that do not exist.

    Also, now you can understand why people prefer to move out of their parents' house.
    It makes your relationships last longer as you have fewer things to fight over
     
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  17. Shorng

    Shorng Rotten BL Fan

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    Yeah, that’s how tolerant people do things, but the bad thing is it won’t last long. We are family, why tolerate it all the time? Like, something small could turn big later on. It’s not unreasonable to speak your mind or reason with your parents so that we could prevent big argument later. Just my opinion, but I think communication help a lot as I also tolerate and stay silent all the time (in the past) and when I fight with them for the first time, everything exploded and I really, really regret it. (Because at that time i said something that I couldn’t take back) So from then on I always have serious conversation with them when I need advice or when I want to give my advice(or my thought on some matters) to them which help a lot. (Do it calmly and seriously is the important part to have no argument when we have conversations with them about these type of thing.)
     
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  18. Ghost87

    Ghost87 Well-Known Member

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    okay im completely in your side. It is really hard to trust someone and tbh most of the people only take and take your kindness but they will never give back, and I totally agree not to just blindly trust anyone also you are not being selfish you are just thinking about the bad causes in future which is completely fine. However giving something small or doing something small to help others is still a very good thing and we should always help those in need, but the problem with this is that some people just pity too much and they don't realise that it is not worth it.
     
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