Help please! Toxic Friendship

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by sleepandeatallday, Sep 23, 2022 at 2:30 AM.

  1. sleepandeatallday

    sleepandeatallday Well-Known Member

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    So have you heard about toxic friends? I think I might be in a toxic friendship.
    So I got this friend I have known for since 10 years. We met in second grade and became best friends. Unfortunately after that we weren't assigned same classrooms until this year. So while we stayed friends we didn't study in the same classrooms.

    At first I was ecstatic but lately I have realized that she's been clinging on to me. Whenever I tried to talk to some other person she would come in between. It didn't happen once or twice but many times. If I am being too friendly with someone else she would come stand between us and then things would become awkward. At first I didn't think much of it but after this happening multiple times I began to think as if she's cutting me off from the rest of the people.

    During class she absolutely had to sit next to me. If I changed my seat even for a minute it would make her unhappy. If she ever see me talking and laughing with others she would then ask me what we were talking about. She didn't like me being friends with others. I don't think a friendship can go on like this. We ate clearly very close and share every single thing.

    I don't know when but recently I started feeling suffocated with her. I know she's my best friend but that doesn't mean I cut off from making friends or talking with others. I lost my temper at her for this several times. I felt guilty at shouting at her too and apologised but somewhere I think our friendship has become toxic. So I decided to maintain some distance from her. I don't want to hurt her feelings. She's my best friend but our friendship is becoming toxic. She herself admitted that she's somewhat the kind of possesive friend who doesn't want to see me being friends with other.

    So how can I tell this to her without hurting her . I think she may have a little inferiority complex. Sometimes i think that I am just being dramatic but sometimes i think that our friendship isn't healthy. I don't want to lose our friendship. Or am I just being dramatic and overreacting?
     
  2. canaria23

    canaria23 『  』

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  3. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

    Ahhhhhhhhhhhh [you look like a mighty fine meal]

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    The friendship is unhealthy so you’re not dramatic or overreacting. It’s best to tell her how you feel about her being overly possessive/your boundaries as soon as possible and either work it out or you might have to consider ending the friendship if you feel like it’s too much.
     
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  4. Anra7777

    Anra7777 All powerful magic grammar hamster queen pirate.

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    So, even she realizes that she is toxic. Why are you asking when you already know the answer?
    Unfortunately for you, I can see only two options here: you allow her to cut you off from everyone else, which is extremely unhealthy for both of you, but particularly you, or you make your boundaries clear, which will either end the friendship, or cause her to escalate her behavior until it becomes dangerous for you. I’m guessing that you’re her only friend? She really needs to make more friends or be okay with you having other friends. Being possessive of you is absolutely not healthy. What are her parents like? Do you feel you can discuss this with them and ask that they suggest therapy for her? (Absolutely do not go to therapy with her, though. She needs therapy on her own.)
    OP clearly has in her profile that she’s female.
     
  5. SakuraHana

    SakuraHana Well-Known Member

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    I can see that you recognize the problem but can't solve it on your own. My suggestion is; get help, professional help. Go to a counselor or a therapist with your friend. As she seems to have lots of issues on basic social skills and problematic personal traits that needs further guidance that can't only be gained through a friend. And as for how you convince her is up to you. My method would be; after another fight breaks out between friends, I would sit down and talk things out with her and while doing so, I would probably rope her in to going for professional help saying its for the both of us to maintain our friendship.
    Hope this helps you.
     
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  6. Cutter Masterson

    Cutter Masterson Well-Known Super-Soldier

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    Personally, my advice is to go to a public place like a coffee shop and have a mature conversation. There could be a misunderstanding of some sort. That you both may not have realized. Any worthwhile relationship deserve a least one honest and open conversation chance. Even if it could hurt feelings. It is better than ghosting her or running away. Be an adult about it. Show the respect and care you hope she will show. Take it slow and thoughtful. Come from a place of kindness and love. You’ll regret it if you don’t even at least try. Face your fears and things tend to work out in the end.
    As to seeing the “Red Flags” for a toxic relationship. That can be tricky. The best way is what you are doing here. A third person/ outsider can sometimes see things people who are to close can not. After the conversation sit down with someone you trust and ask for their thoughts. As to us here. That also can be helpful. Just remember with any advice. Take it with a grain of salt. But seeing a big group of people will give you more prospective and sometimes give you insight you would never have thought of. As they say knowledge is power.
    I wish you luck
     
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  7. canaria23

    canaria23 『  』

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    She's after your body
     
  8. astralmech

    astralmech Well-Known Member

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    I've never been in this position personally, but one of my closest friends from middle school through high school had another friend like this who wasn't a part of our friend group. My friend was really kind and invited this girl to be a part of our group, but she absolutely refused to interact with anyone aside from my one friend, usually speaking to the rest of us rudely or outright ignoring us in favor of the one friend she was close to.

    Eventually it got to the point where my friend had to make her boundaries clear because yes, she cared about this girl, but she also cared about the rest of us and wasn't willing to cut us all off to essentially be this girl's emotional guardian. The girl eventually moved away before we all graduated high school and I never actually heard what happened to her, but to my knowledge, my friend only keeps loose contact with her over social media.

    Since you said she recognized that she can be a possessive friend, this might be a personal issue that she needs to work out with a therapist on her own to get to the root of why she is possessive of the people in her life. While it might be beneficial to seek out group therapy, at the end of the day, I feel like her issues with possessiveness over her friendships is not an issue that you in particular can work to fix. This sounds like it stems from her own life, ergo it is something she needs to work on. There's tons of resources out there for people like her. If she cares about you (and even herself), she'll recognize the room to improve within herself and actually seek help.
     
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  9. hypersniper159

    hypersniper159 Well-Known Member

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    Not sure so many people are recommending therapy. Therapy is not free or cheap, and is not always available. Honestly I never met a good therapist with a bachelors only. I met one that worked for the French government and basically the government thought he was stealing money since he was seeing so many people. Since the government pays for the sessions. He really did see them all. He was in college for 22 years.

    these “therapies” with only bachelors say “make money off your hobby,” or “bring everyone so they can talk to each”

    I meet one person who said, “Hyper, need therapy. My wife is a therapist.” He came in to give a presentation and I asked a question.

    but hey, your money not mine.
     
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  10. simak

    simak Well-Known Member

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    You might want to look up boundaries. This friend seems to have crossed yours.

    Also keep in mind, sometimes you have to be an a-hole to protect what's important to you. Don't be an unwarranted one, a raging one, or a conniving one. Be a based one.
     
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  11. Ashley Loon

    Ashley Loon New Member

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    Like astralmech said and me being that kind of possessive friend myself,It is not your fault and it is something she, herself need to work on.Just be honest to her and let her know it is not good to just clinging on you and tell her to expand her world too ,like introducing her with new friends and make her world bigger too.
     
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  12. Lovelybutter

    Lovelybutter Well-Known Member

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    Maybe your friend likes you romantically? Maybe your friend’s a lesbian?…….why don’t you just confront her though..

    Ask your friend why they’re acting like that, we aren’t sorcerers that can guess what others are thinking..and I’m sure you aren’t one too so just ask them….
     
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  13. Avgust

    Avgust —All the lights that lights the way are blinding—

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    Sorry to say but there's no way to resolve it without anyone getting hurt. If both if you recognize the problem but one doesn't want to be less possessive while the other is having trouble enforcing a boundary, nothing will happen much.

    You can't control how others feel or act so it's better to know what you want to happen and do things with that in mind. Tell her you want space and you want other friends. Tell her if she's being too much. If even after a serious talk about your friendship, she doesn't want a compromise, it's better to stay away temporarily or finally end it. I won't hope that for anyone but it's obviously taking a toll on you already so it can't stay as it is.
     
  14. lnv

    lnv ✪ Well-Known Hypocrite

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    I think you are going to have to provide more details, there is technically nothing wrong with someone who is your "best friend" to come over when you are with other friends or ask what you were talking about not to be left out. Of course the details matter.

    Cause alternatively, it is also possible that she sees you as her best friend, but you see her more like a childhood friend. Thus, her attempts at being close is making you feel uncomfortable. Thus you leave her out drawing your line which makes her feel more desperate like you are side lining her which takes things up a notch. Her admission of possessiveness may simply be a way to admit fault to diffuse your anger and not to sour your relationship
    (Friend relationships are more complex then simply friend and best friend, most people we meet are just acquaintances, few are friends, even fewer if any are close friends and sometimes we have a best friend, but not always is everyone comfortable with that kind of relationship)

    Of course I can be wrong, I am simply pointing out an alternative possibility based on perspective given

    So you probably would have to provide more detail like what do you mean she cuts you off. Or her tone when she is asking you things like what were you talking about. Is there also a point where all this started?
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2022 at 8:02 AM
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  15. bluetwister

    bluetwister Active Member

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    Well, I hope you can have good communication with her before you decide to maintain a distance from her. Because from my experience, it's really hurt knowing that my best friend suddenly ignored me and left me alone. It's good that u can socialize with others, but how about her? Building a relationship with others isn't easy, at least for me, because I get really shy just to talk to another person.
    How about if you persuade some of your friends to befriend her too? And see what's going to happen next.
    You know, make some plans if you want to leave her for good.
    What I can say is... I'm similar to your best friend, so I kinda get her point of view.
    If she gets mad at you just because you talk to someone, maybe she felt that you did not consider her as your best friend, and she can't fulfill her duty as your best friend. She felt that maybe she aren't good enough to be your best friend. She felt she is an unreliable person, especially to her best friend. She is scared that you will really leave her alone.
    Well, at least this is what I felt and thought of when I still had a best friend.
    It is called dependency on someone in a relationship (romantic or not).
    Because you know, in my mind, I have a thought like this: "we are best friends, so we should depend on each other"
    It's kinda crazy tho... But back then I don't have anyone except her to talk to or hang out with, so I thought this is normal :v
    And I was kinda confused to join a circle because I felt like there was no place for me to be in there. I don't know how to do all the things like socializing.
    Maybe she is like that too? Confused about this best friend thing. Confused about this socializing thing.
    So, what I want to say to you is, it's good if you want to leave her because then she will learn to be independent and try to talk with others. But please communicate first with her and maybe you can give her a solution about how to socialize with others...
    Just be honest with her that you feel suffocated when she is clingy to you. This type of person just wants honesty even tho it's gonna hurt.
    I believe you can do this and I hope everything will end well.
    I support you ^^
     
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  16. sleepandeatallday

    sleepandeatallday Well-Known Member

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    Thank you. I understand now. I did talk to her and told her that even if I become friends with others, she would remain my best friend and she agreed to give ourselves some space.
    I also encouraged to befriend others. She can be shy at times but I think she can make friends. Maybe I was her only friend so she was like this.
    I am also somewhat to blame. I am a hot tempered person and didn't really saw things from her viewpoint. I think I would be more understanding with her now. But I did notice that she have a inferiority complex and from where I come therapy isn't very popular. It just some counselling and stuff. How do I help her?
     
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  17. Orris

    Orris angelical menace extraordinaire

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    Glad to hear it went well blobmelt_thumbsblobmelt_thumbsblobmelt_thumbsblobmelt_thumbs i've known people who havent taken this kind of thing nearly as well :sweating_profusely::sweating_profusely:

    Communication is really important so even if you're both giving each other space you should still both feel comfortable expressing your thoughts and emotions. Inferiority complexes come from dissatisfaction of oneself and a lack of self-love, try reminding her about her good qualities, things that kept you the best of friends even after all these years. :blobhighfive::blobhighfive: She'll have to accept herself on her own terms but just be there for her when she needs it ig :blobuwu::blobicecreamlove::blobicecreamlove:

    Also, if she writes in a daily journal, it can be helpful to think and reflect upon :blob_plusone:
     
  18. bluetwister

    bluetwister Active Member

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    It's good everything went well... I agree with Orris, daily journal could really help.
    And it's true, counseling is not really helpful.
    I went to a counselor one time and I told her my problem. Guess what? She blames me for doing this and doing that and blablabla, and her solution is that I should be the one who takes an action first to apologize to someone (which I couldn't accept because it's really not my fault to begin with, and I couldn't do it because I'm really too shy to start first)

    It's good that you want to help her ^^
    So, how about if she makes a goal to at least talk to someone else (other than you) every day?
    You both could record with whom she talked, and suggest to her that she should talk with that person (frequently).
    Or how about you persuade your other friends to take the initiative to talk to her?
    Maybe when you have a plan to hang out with others, you could take her, and your friends should start the conversation with her.
    Because you know, we really need to minimize her dependency on you and start to socialize more

    Keep it up gurl ^^
     
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