Help with my story tittle

Discussion in 'Community Creations' started by Simple As It, Oct 13, 2018.

  1. Simple As It

    Simple As It Well-Known Member

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    Simple and straight ... I have no idea suitable name for my story, I'm pretty much like Grid from Overgeard, someone with terrible naming sense ... so, I seek for YOUR HELP! ... I will give you a my story, a prologue and ch 1 ... I know I might be asking much about reading my story, but I think it was much more interesting rather than I gave you outline of story plot and maybe after read it, you might have some idea or good name for it? alright without further ado

    Prologue
    What have we done to deserve this?


    We were nothing but one of many farming villages from the Kingdom.


    We have done nothing but tending our daily lives.


    Everyone have done nothing at all.


    My village, my home, my field … everything was razed on fire.


    “PLEASE NO! I BEG YOU!” as I shout desperately to him.


    However, ‘he’ cannot hear it; my voice was drown by scream and cry as ‘he’ slaughter everyone.


    Why ‘he’ had done something like this?


    When the first time they came to this world. They were weak and normal just like us, and they’ve done a normal job, running errand, harvest some herbs, hunt nearby wildlife and [monster] just like us … but their growth far beyond from us.


    With only few months, they could grow strong enough to be par with an Elite Adventurer, and some people even surpassing veteran warfare who had fought for many years.


    ‘He’ was one of the [chosen one].


    They were people from the [other side].


    Possessed power bestowed by [god].


    Their existence is [Transcendence].


    And not only that


    They were


    [Immortal]

    Chapter 1
    It was supposed to be just like any other day of villager life.


    We tend our fields, harvest it, reseed it, and trading each other. You might call it a boorish life, but for some people, it was better than living in poverty or living as criminal in the city.


    Well … ‘It was supposed to be’



    When, I was on the way to my home sweet home after I’m done tending my fields


    I saw three [Adventurers], they seem to be discussing something serious judging from their expression and judging from their equipment, they’re pretty much a high leveled adventurer.


    To be honest, it’s bit rare to see high level [Adventurer] especially [The Chosen One], since most of them probably at Borderland or at Frontier. They were either looking for fame and honor, or seeking treasure and new power.


    I thought nothing about it; I thought they might be in their break from adventuring and visit this village.


    So, without thinking much about, and I could see the dark clouds in the distance, seems about to be rain. I made my way back home once again.


    However, that night I was wrong … When at the night of hard rain and thunder.


    One of the [Adventurer] have gone berserk …


    He destroy everything … with single sweep of his sword, many houses and building are destroyed in instant, and people inside the building were buried in the debris.


    He unleash his magic … with single cast, a whole family who trying to flee were burn to death.


    Without shred of mercy, without shred of humanity … he rampaged.


    It was hopeless …


    No one in this village is stronger than him … the only one who can match with him was another high level [Chosen One] but none of them were here, there is few another [Chosen One] but they were far weaker than him, some of them already died protecting villagers, some of them already fled away.


    There is no one could stop him.

    At the time, since I was still a bit far away from him, I might try to flee away just like many others … but then I hear a familiar voice screaming …


    I looked back, and saw Lucia’ blown by shockwave from magic that was unleashed to nearby building.


    Her leg was bleeding from wood shrapnel, and then I saw her sister run toward her.


    “Come on, Lucia, we need to run!” said Lidia, her younger sister.


    “I can’t, just leave me alone … RUN! GO NOW! Shout her, while she push away her sister. Nevertheless, she didn’t budge; Lidia didn’t want to leave her sister alone.


    When I was about to run and help them, I saw ‘he’ is coming toward her. My heart skip a beat … there is no way I could fight him … they were doomed … but … I can’t run away.


    Not because I’m a brave person or have chivalric heart … because it’s useless to run away anyway.


    If I fled, there is nothing I could do when everything is over… my field and home already razed on fire; I have nothing but my clothes that cling in my body.


    I don’t have any other family except my village and my neighbor.


    So … knowing that …


    I might just die together with them …


    As rain continue raining hard with thunderstruck here and there … I keep running toward them.


    Then, I realize something … THUNDERS!


    While running, I pick lightning rod from nearby house debris.


    With a long lightning rod on my left arm and mud on my right hand, I rush toward him …


    I came from his left side, he didn’t notice me yet, the rain and thunders mask my movement and he’s wearing knight armor and helmet, so his vision is narrow … I’m confident that I could reach him, but I’m not confident about thunders would strike the lightning rod.


    Nevertheless, it was better than doing nothing!


    “HEY! YOU SONOFBITCH!” as I shout to him


    As soon as he turn his head. I threw the mud at his face. He seems got staggered a bit or surprised that he got an attack.


    With that chance, I move to his back and jump toward him, I hug him as tightly as I can and point my lightning rod toward the sky.


    As we struggle, the sisters have their chance to run away, even though Lucia has to crawling in the mud, she tried as best as she can to move away from us.


    As we continue our struggle, he use his sword to slash at me … event though my hands, shoulders, and feet were wounded and bleeding, I can’t let it go, not until my last breath.


    I pray to god, for her judgment … I pray for her mercy … and at last


    As if she heard my prayer …


    The lightning struck us …


    At the time, I can’t no longer felt my body … everything felt numb … and my consciousness began to waver.


    However, I kept my grip, I kept hug him tightly until my soul fade away!


    Soon after, the second … the third … the fourth … and so on … lightning kept strike both of us …


    Knew that not all my effort are wasted …


    I embrace my death …


    Or …





    I thought so …

    Chapter 2
    I woke up at unfamiliar place …


    I hear some weird *beep – beep* kind of sound … I don’t what is it.


    My eyes are heavy; my body feels so sluggish … soon as I open my eyes, I saw white ceiling … where am I?


    There is various tubes connecting to my body and I don’t know what it is …


    I was lying at very soft bed and pillow; at my right and left bed, are some unknown tools and machines’ … I think it shows about something and apparently, one of these machines’ made that weird sound.


    When I was losing at my own thought, groups of people rush at me and snap me back.


    “Mr. Sam, how’s your feeling? You’ve been unconscious for three days, let me check your condition” as the old man with square glasses said kindly.


    Mr. Sam? Who’s Mr. Sam? Is he talking to me?


    As soon as he had done talking, he point his hand at the various machines’ to the light blue dressed girl and also said to another girl to bring some light meal.


    “Yes sir!” replied by both girls.


    When he’s done gave command to both girl, his hand reaching my face and a very bright light shone to my eyes. I couldn’t help but to close my eyes but he not allow me to do so; so he use his other hand to force my eyes open … I want to resist and move my hands but I’m too weak and didn’t have a slightest energy within my body, so I was hopelessly lying in bed.


    After some time passed by, he had done his examination. He smile at me and said that my condition was okay, but I was a bit malnourished. Therefore, he told me not miss my meal and ate everything clean. He’s will contact my family tomorrow and someone who ‘responsible’ since I was too weak and still needed rest.


    Because I can’t move my body yet, the ‘Nurse’ apparently, this is how they were called, to help fed myself. It was delicious meal, even though it look plain and simple.


    After I’m done ate my meal, I felt my eyes are heavy and without noticing, I already lost in my dream.





    The second day I woke up, I thought I was in place called “Heaven”; However, it was not the case.


    When my energy already restored enough, I began to find out what’s going on to me.


    I was not in my original body, but someone named Sam Johansson. The place that I’m currently in is Hospital, it has similar function like The Temple House, where sick or wounded people are treated, but that place was not for everyone, only for high class noble, rich merchant or war hero are allowed to use it. The Doctor act like the priest, while the Nurse are his assistant.


    So many things that piqued my interest, like the object that I saw in the distant sky, it was like dragon but it didn’t flap its wing. Then there’s a tall building that able to reach the sky and also the language we talk, even though I’m able to communicate with the nurse and doctor but they have much vocabulary and different way to talk, they said the way I talk was like a Shakespeare. There also magical tool called TV is very interesting. There is so many question inside my head …


    However, all of those are trivial things. The most shocking information that I got was … This World.


    Apparently, the Chosen One came from this world …


    This world is The Other Side …


    When the third day come.


    My ‘family’ or I should say Sam’ family finally paid a visit.


    When they come inside, I saw Sam father, mother and his two siblings, both of them are girls about 15 to 17 years old.


    However … there is something wrong about their … attitude.


    Then I could see easily from their eyes … they felt disgust toward me, looking at me as if I’m better off dead.


    To be honest, I don’t know what’s going on but I could tell that it seems Sam and his family are not in a good terms or Sam must’ve done something terrible to them … it’s an unfortunate situation, in the place where everything is unknown and so alien, I need someone to rely on.


    Yesterday I thought about to rely on Sam family. At very least to help me understand about this world, even though I ready myself to pretend be Sam … well, actually I didn’t know much about my own body identity other than his name so I might say it might not going to well.


    When I was losing at own thought, a female voice brought me back to reality.


    “How’s your body?” said Sam mother’.


    I was a bit surprised considering she’s the one who had the most hateful and disgust feeling compared to others.


    “Y-yes, I’m alright” I awkwardly said … to be honest … it might be much better if they were gone and never visit me again. Because I couldn’t bear those hateful and disgust stare, I never ever once in my life to be loathed this much! My heart began to tremble at their terrifying gaze.


    Thankfully, the Doctor began to quick notice about these sour feeling and situation.


    “Mr. and Ms. Johansson, your son still need more rest and let’s have him some quite place to rest” said doctor while he lead Sam family member to outside room.


    The nurse’s still inside my room and when she saw my situation she sympathies to me, even though she also didn’t understand why they loath me so much.


    “If you need me, just press the button like always or use that device to communicate when you hungry or thirsty … I will go to doctor now” she said as she gave me a kind smile.


    “Yes, miss Emma, thank you” as I tried to reply her with my awkward smile.


    “How many times I told you just call me Emma or Nurse Emma, no need such ‘miss’ in my name” She chuckle a bit because of my respond and way of talking.


    She check my status from the screen near my bad and then she goes back outside with the doctor and the rest.


    I let out a long sigh and close my eyes … I want to forget those terrifying gaze.


    Therefore, I began to drift into my slumber once more.





    “So, how’s my son condition actually?” said Sam Father.


    “He’s fine and his body began to improving, he’s can be discharged within a week or so … but …” said doctor, but when he’s about to continue, Sam Mother interrupt him.


    “Is that so? How about the medical bill? Are we the one going to settle it?”


    “No need to, the game company already paid all the medical bill and will paid any further medical payment until Mr. Sam healthy again” the doctor knit his brow as he answer her question.


    “Then it was good an well, and please … if possible don’t contact us again, he might be our son but for us, he’s no longer be part of our family, we don’t care what might happen to him or even his future … so, good bye sir” said by Sam Father and then he lead his family away.


    At the same time, the nurse Emma came outside from the ward. “How is it going doc?” ask Emma.


    “Not good … *sigh* I don’t know why they hate him so much but without their help, it will be hard to diagnosis his mental health or any change with his psychology … though, in my honest opinion, I think there is some drastic change happen to him but I have no prove for it”


    All of this conversation was happen without me knowing it until later on.
    and if you have some suggestion, critics, or even correct my terrible grammar, please don't feel reserved, I might felt thankful for it. so ... thank you in advance!
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2018
  2. Kurotsubaki

    Kurotsubaki Reincarnation of the Seven Deadly Sins

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    Can't think from only those chaps. How about a synopsis? What will you do with him in the story
     
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  3. MidnightHaze45

    MidnightHaze45 Well-Known Member

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    "Currently pending"
     
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  4. Kurotsubaki

    Kurotsubaki Reincarnation of the Seven Deadly Sins

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    This is like a band named "just getting started"...
     
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  5. psyque

    psyque Well-Known Member

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    "Thunderstruck Farmhand"
     
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  6. Zehel

    Zehel Well-Known Member

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    Interesting, sounds like those immortal guys are players while the villagers and Mc are npcs?
    The Player Hunter?
    I Will Kill All the Players?
     
  7. Cutter Masterson

    Cutter Masterson Well-Known Super-Soldier

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    First off I want to say. You have talent. Your creation has a lot of potential and I look forward when you finally release your novel.
    Most stories I read with beginners writers tend to write their stories as a diary. While professionals tend to have conversations. Of course their are exceptions. For instance some writers tend to explain a little of the world in the beginning like a narrator. Than head into the story. Their are also a few who have discussions between characters, but to gain more insight they also add in the characters thoughts.
    What I’m trying to say is that maybe changing your format a little might enhance the story.
    This is only a suggestion and I could be totally wrong.
    Great clif hanger by the way. The sure sign of an epic read.
    In any case good luck.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2018
  8. juniorjawz

    juniorjawz Well-Known Member

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    No no no no no

    The OP doesn't want a mere title.
    The OP wants... a tittle.
     
  9. Cutter Masterson

    Cutter Masterson Well-Known Super-Soldier

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    A very interesting story.
    Maybe a title like....
    How did I become a chosen one?
    How an NPC became a Player.
    Celestial Convergence

    Buddy if you only watch a single leaf. You’ll miss out on the wonders of the forest. Of course if you like your little box. That’s fine too.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2018
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  10. ContesaRubia

    ContesaRubia Well-Known Member

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    Suggested names:
    So What if You're a Chosen One.......

    NPC's Revolution.......

    A Farmer Can be a HERO, TOO.......


    Hope it helps.
     
  11. BookHermit

    BookHermit ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

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    Oki, I’ll try my darndest

    ‘To kill the immortals’ or ‘how to kill an immortal’
    ‘Tale of the one that should of died’
    ‘Vengeance on the chosen’
     
  12. Sujihiko

    Sujihiko Well-Known Member

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    You should also include what the story should take, what kind of a character the protagonist should be and the likes.
    That way, we could answer more precisely to your desired answer.
    Also, when writing a story, a flexible mind is needed.

    My suggestive Title: Revolution of the Thunder God (or something)...
     
  13. Einzwalker

    Einzwalker Cook-Protagonist Hater

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    Wow this is good, can you tag me when you post chapter 2 please?

    And for title i know this is sound cliche but how about The Legend of Unchosen One?
     
  14. Nara

    Nara Well-Known Member

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    It's a great prologue, i can already imagine the general story but still eager to know for what about to happen.

    And about the title, let me see...
    - Rise of The NPC
    - I'm an NPC, so what?
    - Primordial Thunder Warrior
     
  15. Meloman

    Meloman Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like an interesting story, well done for writing. Well done for trying to write in another language.

    Just a little bit that I noticed, only if you feel like editing one day:
    Trading WITH
    Tending TO (tend to - would be better in one of the sentences. You could use “worked the fields” in another sentence maybe? Less repetitive?)
    It looked like/ It seemed to me as if it was about to rain
    She shouted as she tried to push her sister away/ as she pushed her sister away.

    Check your verb tenses carefully. Some of your verbs are in the past tense, some in the present.

    ... Or ... so I thought.


    If you are in school or have a friend who is good at grammar, then perhaps you should ask your English teacher or a friend to help you with it?

    As for the title- don’t rush it, unless you have already finished writing your story and only editing is left to do. Stories could change their direction unless you have a fixed plan right from the start. If you do have a plan in your head- then write a synopsis for us to help you with the title. Uprising of the NPCs would be my current guess from your first chapter above.
     
  16. UchihaSena

    UchihaSena Well-Known Member

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    "We are not some NPC's!"
    Something like that.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2018
  17. Mangikop

    Mangikop Observer of the Fourth Wall

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    No problem, always willing to help. If you want it to be systematic, you can name it Story 1 or Story 2
     
  18. Yamcha

    Yamcha Friendnemy

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    My story title?

    Is pretty straightforward about how the author is not a pro, yet, one.

    You could make the plot around the protagonist looking for a rare [title] for X purpose, revenge, time travel, etc without never reveal the actual title till the end :whistle:

    PS Why not ask for help for someone as editor? Just to improve your storytelling.
     
  19. DarkPriest

    DarkPriest Well-Known Member

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    For NCP to Hero
    This is the tile if your story is about and NPC growing to become strong to fight Players that were summon to this world and can "log off"
    The Hero is a title that will make the NPC remove the "lock" from the world. Then they have unlimited potential like Players.
     
  20. fteg123

    fteg123 Well-Known Member

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    Title Suggestion:
    -MC's name (ie. Naruto, Gintama, Sailor Moon)
    -The plot or theme of the story. 'What's the central theme/idea?' (ie. HunterxHunter, Charlotte, SAO, AOT, Goblin Slayer, One Piece)
    -Name of superpower --> What did he receive from the lightning? (ie.Needless)
    -Super long Japanese title name. (ie. The Disastrous Life of Saiki K)

    IMO: It feels like Log Horizon x Attack on Titan x CN (lightning cultivation and immortality)

    Is this a revenge story(ie. Shield hero)? an NPC's POV (ie. Log Horizon: Rudy)? time traveling (ie. Rezero)?

    In the meantime, just keep working on the story and you'll find your title.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2018