Hi I created a novel and was hoping for some feedback. Not that good of a writer, but enjoy

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by drac1p, Dec 5, 2015.

  1. drac1p

    drac1p Member

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    http://royalroadl.com/fiction/4120 is where ypu can find my fiction.

    Synopsis:

    Dom Acerbi has always been in his family's "business", so has his father, his grandfather, his great grandfather, and so on and so forth. Ever since the founding of his family, they have always been at the top of their "competitors". Even if they think that they're all but ancient history, a beast without it's fangs so to speak, if they stared into an abyss and they see the abyss stare back that's the Acerbi family looking at you, and nobody's survived an encounter to tell the tale of it. Being born onto a cut throat world one must perfect the art of being adaptibe to any given situation, cool headed, and if needed be heartless. Dom has mastered all of these and a bit more, even though his personality is a bit out of line with the norm of someone from his family, but as long as the job gets done no one complains. Now watch as he's transported to another world destroyed by the one thing it took pride in, by it's natives and the so called "hero's" from another world. Will he give the world that one last push over the edge or will he revive it and bring it along in a new direction?

    Table of Contents

    • Chapter 1
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2015
  2. drac1p

    drac1p Member

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    Chapter 1: Welcome to....[Insert name here]

    And so I went, as far as out as my feet could take me.... but along the way I got lost....though I may be stranded, my willpower shall see me out, and when I do my kingdom shall flourish ~ Year of Silence Midgar the Wanderer first book of The Supreme King of the Human Kingdom.

    It was supposed to be cool that Fall day, at least that's what the whether man said *sigh* I swear they're all liars, I was walking down the same long street I grew up on, the same dull gray sky hummed above us, while down here an orange-yellowish color of grass finished their seasonal conquest, and now reigns supreme along side the dark slab of concert that coexist with them.

    But none of that matters as the first casualties of winter falls gently on them, leaving their homes a bare and vulnerable stick of their former selves, reaching out for help. Building's lay unfinished in their vain attempt to touch the sky, they always looked dark and gloomy even when the sun came out....whenever it decides to come out, however the people there were always smiling. I always like that about this town, whenever things grew bleak they always have the hope that tomorrow would be a little better. My mother had the same smile, except the was for a different reason, *cough* but I digress. Hope, such a fickle little thing really, some people have it and some unfortunately don't, but that town always had it so I guess they're part of the former, and as for me....guess I'm part of the latter...

    WHOMPH!!

    As my blood spattered on the grimy floor of this dungeon I realized that if hell is other people, then I must be in the center of it.

    WHOMPH!!

    That last punch must have hurt his hand badly, I guess even interrogators have their limits. They went off into a corner barely lit by a single torch, where all the knives and hammer's and all the other goodies they've use in my body are.

    They started bickering among themselves, I guess a new plan of action is needed. I know I should've been looking around at my surroundings for a chance to escape, but let's be real this isn't like the movies, I don't have the energy nor will to make a daring escape and even if I did, then what? Run around some castle in who knows where, and hope that I find the exit before their arrows find my neck?

    I kept replaying the scenery of my hometown in my mind over and over again for God knows how long trying to figure out how'd I end up here, if this keeps up I might know how many bricks they put up on that unfinished Chrysler building on County and Freedom, I'm up to 104,008 if your wondering. Can't complain much, its the only thing keeping me sane right now....I think. Man there really is no place like home.

    "Grrooonnnnee" I groaned loudly hoping that one of them would come over and punch me when I realized what I just quoted. Corniness aside, it seems like they stopped debating, the one on the left who's hand I broke with my face, stared at me angrily clutching his bloodied fingers tightly, awww he looks like a angry puppy, its almost adorable how he's trying to stare me down while threatening me with his pitiful amount of bloodlust. But before I could get the image out of my head I let out a little snicker....

    That was a huge mistake.....

    WHOMPH!!

    And so the beating began a new, as the chains around my wrist jingle with each hit, I let let it sooth me back into my nostalgia.... It was supposed to be cool that Fall day.....





    Soon the hits started to become more and more irregular, they used to hit me every second heart beat, now its every sixth, guess he's running out of steam which is pretty good considering the power of his kicks, and punches are the same, still what a whimp....


    I start to laugh a little bit after a while, but before you judge, it wasn't one of those "HAHA" type of laugh more of a "Haha" type, the ones you make when your in a situation that's way over your head, not because I'm being, and I quote "tortured", but because I have no freaking idea how the hell I got here nor how I'm going to get back mind you I had a *cough* family business to take care of. With these thoughts on my mind, and not knowing weather to laugh or cry I mentally sigh, I can't even fall into insanity without being a cynical prick.

    "Hahaha, bwahaha", that last burst caused blood come into my mouth, but I still laughed for the heck of it, guess that's the insanity kicking in.

    Bloody fingers and co. didn't find it funny though, in fact he grabbed my hair, and started to pull me up to his face. Guess good cop bad cop is out the window now.

    There's something you should know about me, though I may be able to see things far away...most of the time, I'm boarder line blind. I have prescriptions but I hate wearing them, the only time I wear them is when I read or drive. So most of the time I'm grasping at things like Velma from Scobby Doo, and 90% of the time it gets me into trouble, but that's another story.

    As he's pulling me up, I start wondering, why does he have an hourglass curves, I mean it's sort of hidden by the bulky armer and some muscles but you'd have to be blind no to see that..... meh what do I know I'm boarder line blind.

    He...no, She...SIGH.....

    Bloody fingers, pulled me up to their eye level with the good hand, as I try hard not to laugh, fingers starts to yell at me in some weird language.

    ???: "mani naa wrong yassen lle? naa lle stid? uma lle caela ai' noa mani ron're plannien um- yassen lle? manke naa lle colony? amin can help lle usina ar'. . "

    Fingers says as spit sprays my face, I try to focus on what language fingers was speaking in, but gave up soon after. Two minutes of this passed by when I looked up and noticed that fingers face was really close to mine, and that if fingers didn't have that scrawl, hate filled eyes, and large scar on the right side of her face, she would have been pretty cute....don't judge. After about a minute of silence while fingers tries to "intimidate" me I decided to end this farce. How, you may ask?, well by doing what any sensible man would do in such a precarious situation, I quickly leaned forward kissed the tip of her nose, looked down, bit the coroner of my lip, and with the best shy face my broken face could muster said.

    Dom: " Please be gentle"

    While blushing black and blue.

    She froze for a minute, well they both did, but the guy that was with fingers snapped out of it and read in between the lines of what I did then busted out laughing while holding his stomach and rolling on the floor. Fingers though....well needless to say the jingles from the chains would have made anyone wonder if Santa came early this year, got to say fingers has a great right hook.

    Well after a while the beating stopped, and fingers, who by the way now had two hands with bloody broken finger generously given by my face, went over to the other guard who was still laughing on the floor, then yelled something at him while blushing, he looked up at her then busted out laughing again which made fingers blush even more while looking at me with hate filled eyes. I would have done something just to spite her, but that last beating made me think twice about incurring her wrath *shivers*. Fingers finally got tired of it and dragged the still laughing guard outside leaving me and the chains to our own devices, not like I could do anything in my state.

    Boredom soon set in so I tried thinking of what I knew of my situation,

    1. I got sent to a different world after coming back from ki-ehhhhh an errand.
    2. I know this is a different world because, unless I've gone insane, I'm pretty sure no one in my world had pointy ears, and light green skin.....yeah let that sink in for a few minutes.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    *sigh*
    3. .........yeah I got nothing......
     
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  3. Cupcake Ninja

    Cupcake Ninja [Kind Sage][Lord Benevolence][ The Great Paragon]

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    Didn't read yet, just wanted to point out something. In the snopsis you spelled heroes wrong. And last sentence for synopsis you also said "ge" instead of he.

    I'm being a dick probably. Sorry.
     
  4. Fighnjaci

    Fighnjaci Well-Known Member

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    Okay, I'll say it right now.

    MOOOOOREEEEEE!!!!
     
  5. Cupcake Ninja

    Cupcake Ninja [Kind Sage][Lord Benevolence][ The Great Paragon]

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    A pretty good beginning, you have my attention. Couple spelling errors, but still acceptable and easily edited. other than that it's well written. The part about him kissing the nose was funny, I'm assuming he laughed like a mental patient after? Anyway, good work, looking forward to more.
     
  6. Little Dragon

    Little Dragon I does what I likes and I likes what I do

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    I want to know more about this family business but I'll assume that's all in due time. For now I'll just wait for the next.
     
  7. Stalker of novels

    Stalker of novels The hider, the stalker, and behind you

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    You need to reread your work be for posting it so you don't get spelling mistakes its a verry fundermental skill just to let you know
     
  8. Tarroyn

    Tarroyn Well-Known Member

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    Post it to royalroad, that'll get more attention and good criticism than here.
     
  9. Fluphy

    Fluphy Notsane's Drunk Editor

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    get an editor
     
  10. drac1p

    drac1p Member

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    Nah this is good because I never caught those mistakes
     
  11. drac1p

    drac1p Member

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    Trying but still can't find one
     
  12. drac1p

    drac1p Member

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    Actually I did, but I haven't gotten any one to either criticize my work or just point out spelling mistakes
     
  13. drac1p

    drac1p Member

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    Try to keep that in mind, btw I do but since I'm A. Trilingual and B. Need glasses, I can only do so much.
     
  14. Stalker of novels

    Stalker of novels The hider, the stalker, and behind you

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    I'm stupid and I found it
    PS
    Never heard of the word trilingual
     
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  15. drac1p

    drac1p Member

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    Basically I can speak and write in three languages
     
  16. Zone Q11

    Zone Q11 『The Gas Mask』『Monochrome Plebeian』

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    I can edit it, but ATM I'm kinda unable to.
    Have you ever heard of bilingual? Well, this is the tri- version of it.
    I can do the same, trying to learn one more ATM.
     
  17. Stalker of novels

    Stalker of novels The hider, the stalker, and behind you

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    i know that its just that it the first time ive heard of it
     
  18. Ldyrdy

    Ldyrdy Snowfallsdown

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    Well.. Still couldn't tell how things will go but great job so far..
    Won't talk much about grammar and spelling since I myself is bad with that..

    Most story have good idea but poor execution.. I hope you killed this one cleanly..
     
  19. drac1p

    drac1p Member

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    You and me both