Discussion I'm 19 and my parents want me to get married

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by AneeChan, Jun 5, 2021.

  1. AneeChan

    AneeChan Active Member

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    Lol, getting a fake engagement is good enuf for me
    Oh I'm a Srilankan, you could say the Indian Subcontinent coz we're practically neighbours
     
  2. FIEND

    FIEND sex god

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    Srilanka is literally a part of the indian subcontinent.
    But sorry man idk what to tell u.
     
  3. SylviaViolet

    SylviaViolet The Sheepiest Sheep to Ever Sheep!

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    I was actually seriously contemplating editing my post because I was expecting someone to bring up something like this.

    I know that there are many terrible parents that do much worse things than just disowning their kids, but the impression that I got from what she said was of a more normal family, so I decided to leave it as it is.

    Also in extreme cases, extreme measures are definitely required.... disowning is a pretty good outcome among the worse situations.

    Also I'm really not that young, and I've seen things like this before and I'll tell you, assuming the worst case scenario does a lot more harm than good when you're trying to solve others problems. If it's your own problem, you usually have an estimate of how bad it can go and assuming and preparing for the worst case scenario can help you, but if you give others advice assuming the worst case scenario, you'll end up making their lives terrible. It'll be like one of those people who disses your partner and asks you to break up with them every time you ask for relationship advice.
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2021
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  4. AneeChan

    AneeChan Active Member

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    It's fine, hopefully they'll understand and if they don't I'll stand upto myself even if it means going against them straight up. Thank you for the advice :blobtaco:
     
  5. God slayer

    God slayer Well-Known Member

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    Well... You're probably not an Asian so you don't understand how the parents can truly be.... And tbh I think many parents (at least in my country) force their girl to marry as soon as they're allowed to by law (18 years old)... And they do it because of their paranoia... They think if their girl don't get married soon enough, she'll have relationship with someone they don't like( relationships are almost forbidden in my country )
     
  6. luckypenguin

    luckypenguin Member

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    I don't know what the right thing to do in your situation is. I just wish you happiness!
     
  7. reagents 11

    reagents 11 disaster personified

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    Run away from home for awhile. Stays in your friends or other relatives that shares your concerns but make sure you attend that exam since that'll be your ticket for independence in the short timeframe you have. Make sure your parents understand your positions and make serious efforts in leaving the house for awhile.

    If that didn't work get unorthodox such as acting crazy in front of suitors or bring a boyfriend home.

    Try go to your local civil service department and ask anything close to employment programme they had and find a job. Good luck.
     
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  8. ExcitableFoci

    ExcitableFoci Well-Known Member

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    Now suddenly everything makes sense.

    upload_2021-6-5_17-30-57.png
     
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  9. AliceShiki

    AliceShiki 『Ms. Tree』『Aspect of Destruction』

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    Uhn... I can't say I understand anything about your situation, because to me it honestly feels outworldly, but... I can try giving some advice I guess.

    First... They can't force you to marry. Sure, your family is important and they definitely have some authority over you... But they don't own you. Your life is your own, no matter what, you are the one that decides the way your life will go.

    Every choice has consequences... You said in one post that you are not allowed to enter a relationship... You are allowed to enter a relationship. You absolutely are allowed to. But if you do that, you'll be going against your parents' will, which will have its consequences.

    Similarly, they may try to arrange a marriage for you, but you're not forced to accept it, you are the one to decide whether you'll get married or not. The life is yours, nobody but you can decide what course it will take... Just understand that your choices will have consequences, specially because you are dependent on them.

    In any case, the only reasonable thing you can do is to talk to them. Try talking calmly and explaining your point of view... But be firm about it, be firm about your views and about what you want. Don't give in just because they are the figure of authority, stand your ground and say what you need to say... Politely, calmly, but firmly.

    I can't really say that it will go well for I know nothing about your family situation, but I think it's better to get your point across and make it clear that you won't be marrying until you feel like you want to get married... If you don't take the reins of your life, other people will.
     
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  10. Llamadragon

    Llamadragon Well-Known Member

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    It's reasonable when it's consentual. It's not like arranged marriages always means you get married against your will, it just means you trust your parents years of experience over fleeting crushes. That's a thing a lot of people are happy to do when they decide they want to get married.

    It's totally different when someone doesn't want to get married.
     
  11. Dokja6116

    Dokja6116 not suspicious

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    'I'm 19 and my parents want me to get married' Seems like a light novel title.:hmm:
    And the above seems like the sypnopsis.:blobtongue:
     
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  12. Skullie

    Skullie [Panik][Guess I won’t be sleeping]

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    Tell your parents firmly that you want to focus on stabilizing your life first. Point out the fact that you don’t feel ready to support a family as you don’t have an income yet and you need a few years to make sure you’re ready for such a responsible. Do word it in a way that would make it look as if you want to make them proud and don’t want to ruin their reputation as someone who is married but still rely on their parents.
     
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  13. Dokja6116

    Dokja6116 not suspicious

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    For real tho, 19 seems very irresponsible, I sincerely hope your parents aren't the type that sends away their child for bribes and stuff, and I mean no offense when I say this, it's just, there are still a lot of families in middle east Asia who still marry away from their daughter for dowry and stuff. If you haven't really found someone you're love and are willing to spend your lifetime with, although this may seem delusional and idealistic, but, come on, it's your life. And I know that you have your own family problems and personal problems, and truly hope that you can overcome those, and I will make sure to pray for you every day because honestly speaking, I do not know who you are irl, but there are already so many people with problems, and I'd like to hope that my prayers help you in some way. So, ya, I guess, the community will be here for ya.:bloblove:
     
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  14. MasterCuddler

    MasterCuddler Handsome Chicken with his Paradise

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    It’s ok you can delay it for a long time, my parents asked if I wanted to get married at 12( half joking)
     
  15. AneeChan

    AneeChan Active Member

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    Euphemistically speaking after marriage you don't rely on your parents but instead on your husband (And I told euphemistically because there are worse terms for what this is called ) and I absolutely hate that idea. Infact women are not primarily necessitated to even have their own career/self sufficiency because marriage is more or less a game of lopsided dependency from the wife towards the husband. But yes, appealing to them in a way that might make them proud would work!! Thank you!!blobmelt_thumbs:bloblove:

    THANK YOU!!! That's so sweet!! Infact I was a ball of nerves and anxiety, totally losing my shit before I posted it here. But after I saw all the reasonable mentorship and love I got from here I seem to have gained my cool again. Thank you for replying :bloblove:
    Oh and dowry is not an issue because my religion condemns dowry (From female to male)

    I'll keep them in mind. Thank you for the advice:blobmelt::bloblove:
     
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  16. Nightow1

    Nightow1 Well-Known Member

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    You know, in a very odd way, I'm going against the grain for a bit here but why not take a look at the guys your parents want to hitch you to first? For all you know, some of them might be totally your type, though more often than not he'll probably be a "meh". It would be strongly ironic if you threw a tantrum and they broke it off only for you to find out that he's ok.

    On a more serious note, your parents are probably thinking of your stability in life so if you want to negotiate with them, you need to work on the lines of "security" too. Point out to them that modern society is so expensive that even married women work nowadays, so studying is actually necessary to ensure that you can get a job to support your new family, otherwise working on just your husband's salary is totally insufficient and more families break up from money issues than infidelity. Tell them that if you get your degree and professional qualifications, if anything happens, touch wood, if you have to support your family even without your husband, you still have a chance rather than being totally unprepared.

    You can tell them you want to graduate and work for at least 4 years first before marrying. This way, they know you got a goal and a plan and it's not being put off indefinitely. Of course you can tell them that you'll date the guy they chose for you during this time period but marriage is a no-no. Though you might not want to put it off for too long. When you are getting closer to 40 or 50, you might start to panic. The biological clock is a thing and once menopause sets in, you can kiss goodbye to kids.

    Try the 2nd hand store, you might pick up some bargains. :p
     
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  17. AneeChan

    AneeChan Active Member

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    I'll keep them in mind. Thank you for the advi
    Taking a look is not even option:sweating_profusely: But yes, the pointers you emphasized were noteworthy. I'll make sure to include them in my agenda. :blobmelt: Arigatou for the advice:bloblove:
     
  18. Nightow1

    Nightow1 Well-Known Member

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    As much as I'd get zinged for saying this, most of the time, one guy is no different from another guy, it's his goals and attitudes that determine if you are compatible, so even if he is an "arranged" guy, you can still make it work if both of you want it to. I disagree that people just "fall" in love forever, a relationship is something you need to work to maintain and adjustments have to be made to accommodate both of you. This means that at the very least, both of you must be going in the same direction.

    So why not get introduced? Worst case, you'll end up knowing a new annoying "friend" but best case, you might find someone with similar interests. At least it'll get your parents off your back if they see things moving a bit.
    As for advice from here, since it is international, you can sometimes get a culture clash with "Westerners" that don't get how important this can be to "Asians". They'll say "they can't force you" but from what I know of Asian culture, they actually can! And getting tossed out of the house without a shirt on your back is no fun, so try not to let it hit that stage lol. Negotiations are best at dragging out the issue until people forget about it, so negotiate like mad.
     
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  19. asriu

    asriu fu~ fu~ fu~

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    go get a job or two, hmmm basically you need to have independent source of income no matter how liltle it is (better if ya can make it on liveable standard)~ that way your argument of career is more convincing~

    go search on internet statistics why young marriage is bad, focus on bad case from your country~

    be tactical, hmm say ok to meet or blind date but just no marriage yet~ dating stage~ if dating stage fail then foala~

    with more detail there will more way~ maybe~
     
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  20. Fulminata

    Fulminata Typo-ist | Slave of Evil Inc. | Cactus Farmer

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    Negotiating with adamant parents can be a little daunting. But still, it needs to be tried! Try to highlight the importance of your studies right now and of having a steady income by yourself, do some research about the divorce and domestic violence rate in your country, and try to present this as one of your concerns in your discussion. Do you have relatives who has experienced divorce/domestic violence? Consult with them and try to get them on your side to highlight the importance of you pursuing your education and having work experiences to your parents.
    Have you ever thought about applying for scholarship? Some bans marriage until you finish your studies; if one of them is tour target perhaps you could also bring this up. Are you the only child, or do you have any siblings? Perhaps bringing up a desire to have enough resources in the future to take care of your parents/siblings could also make their stance wavers a bit.

    From my experience, parents can be a little hard to convince if you said "no" from the start. I'm not sure about your situation, but perhaps a "heart-to-heart" kind of talk to each of them (separately, before trying your shot at both of them) to convey your concerns could probably work better? Perhaps you can make a few concession, like agreeing to see and get to know the person that your parents arranged, but postpone the wedding. Acknowledge your parents concern in getting you into an arranged marriage no matter how twisted it might be is alsopretty important in the steps to win them to your reasonings—maybe they would like to have someone to care for you when they're gone.

    If the discussion with your parents fail, then it's time to have a proper discussion with your arranged partner.


    Best of luck!! :blob_pompom::blob_pompom:
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2021
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