Discussion I'm 19 and my parents want me to get married

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by AneeChan, Jun 5, 2021.

  1. AneeChan

    AneeChan Active Member

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    Thank You!!! They were eye-opening, your pointers:cookie:blobmelt_thumbs

    Ah yes, livable jobs...I'm planning on getting one after my exams and about the internet, not sure whether they'd acknowledge anything from a statistical or factual perspective cuz they're inspired by this traditional thinking of a bygone era. However I'll try and also asking them to not set up dates would be impossible but I'll try delaying the marriage. Arigatou for the concern:bloblove:
     
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  2. Ai chan

    Ai chan Queen of Yuri, Devourer of Traps, Thrusted Witch

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    You're a high school student at 19? Over here most people enter university at 17/18.

    If you're a typical asian kid with overbearing parents and not able to stand up for yourself, it's a lost cause. Don't fight your parents at this point. Tell them what kind of man you like and maybe they will accommodate your wishes. Wanting you to get married is not the same thing as wanting you to be unhappy.

    Perhaps this is their own way of looking out for you. To find someone to take care of you in case something happens to them. If you have a career priority, tell them that, and ask them to take that into consideration when finding the match for you. Also, tell them that you want to at least go on dates with the candidates and that you have the right to refuse if you can find flaws.

    You can't stop your parents from marrying you off. But you could at least have some control over who becomes your future husband.

    Or you could do as Ai-chan did. Ai-chan's marriage was also arranged by parents.
     
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  3. AneeChan

    AneeChan Active Member

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    Ah yes, livable jobs...I'm planning on getting one after my exams and about the internet, not sure whether they'd acknowledge anything from a statistical or factual perspective cuz they're inspired by this traditional thinking of a bygone era. However I'll try and also asking them to not set up dates would be impossible but
    You pretty much summed up my situation and seems like this and delaying the marriage as far as I can are the only viable options:blobdead: But yh, I've already given them my standards for a guy but tbh I'm still uncertain myself what I actually want. :sweating_profusely:
    The school system is weird here coz we've 2 levels in the highschool diploma as ordinary and Advanced, ordinary which ends at 16 and Advanced which ends at 19 with a few months gap inbetween. It's the standard protocol to get into a Public University but yh, for a Private Uni you don't require the advanced Highschool diploma. I decided to go with Advanced level Diploma because I wss still confused about what my career choice/field should be by then and wanted some time :blob_pout:

    Also...Ai-Chan? You were also bound by an arranged marriage? How'd it work out for you and were there things that you regretted or were proud of in the course of your life because of your marriage? Are there things I should prepare for and change myself?
     
  4. Lois.

    Lois. ❲.❳ ❲woh.❳

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    Good luck with the whole arrange marriage setup pain. Tbh my mom also brought up a similar topic of me getting arranged marriage too but I was absolutely terrified and told her off loooool so we just ended the conversation there. But if you really end up not being able to decide and call off the whole situation I hope you could at least find someone lovely and for you guys to at least learn to love each other cause if not brooo that'd be a wild ride.
     
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  5. AneeChan

    AneeChan Active Member

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  6. Ai chan

    Ai chan Queen of Yuri, Devourer of Traps, Thrusted Witch

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    Oh, so you're on something like pre-university/A Level instead of plain high school. We have that here too, that started at 17 and ends at 19, and once you graduate, you can go straight to university without taking pre-U. Most people don't like it because it's 2 years instead of 1 year of matriculation, so you go to university 1 year later than your friends who take matriculation or A Level. Plus, you're stuck with nationwide government syllabus instead of syllabus made for you. The only good thing is that it's cheap since it's still a government funded programme.

    Ai-chan's marriage is also arranged by parents. When Ai-chan was informed of that, Ai-chan already had a lesbian girlfriend, of course, Ai-chan didn't tell them that Ai-chan's 'best friend' and roommate is actually Ai-chan's girlfriend. But Ai-chan's position was probably better than yours since Ai-chan was already making money as a fashion model at the time and was in Ai-chan's 20s. Also, the other side was mom's best friend since school who was worried that her son wouldn't ever marry. They also wasn't really forceful about it, with his mom telling him that it's fine if he didn't want to but to at least meet Ai-chan.

    Well, we met, and Ai-chan was fine with his looks, but his personality was kind of disagreeable. Still, Ai-chan told him that Ai-chan was a lesbian, but Ai-chan would marry him and have no problem having sex with him, if he marry Ai-chan's girlfriend too. He was confused at first, but he agreed shortly after. He said having 2 lesbian wives would be much better than a wife who has nothing better to do.

    So we told our parents, and that he would marry Ai-chan's girlfriend (introduced as his girlfriend) together with Ai-chan. It confused the heck of his parents, and they asked him that if he already had a girlfriend, why would he agree to the marriage. As for Ai-chan's mom, she wasn't very surprised, maybe she already had a suspicion that Ai-chan was gay, moms are scary sometimes.

    Anyway, all the best!
     
  7. AneeChan

    AneeChan Active Member

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    Oohh that sounds amazing!! Though in all truth if I were in Ai-Chan's position my homophobia parents would probably get me an exorcism done or something :blobdizzy: But yh, though I identify myself as Bi I've yet to meet a guy/girl (sounds kinda impossible) who meets my standards:blobpopcorn_two: So yh I can get into this with a completely open mind and see how it works:bloblove: Arigatou for the concern
     
  8. Bright_Lucky_Star

    Bright_Lucky_Star [Previously Known as OrdinaryUser] The Blessed One

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    What the...:blobastonished:
    What is age of consent and age of marriage in there?
     
  9. AneeChan

    AneeChan Active Member

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    18 and above
     
  10. Shio

    Shio Moderator Staff Member

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    Considering the average marrying age in her country, I don't think it would be a country where it's ok to reject marriage arranged by your parents. Some culture have very different custom
     
  11. SylviaViolet

    SylviaViolet The Sheepiest Sheep to Ever Sheep!

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    Regardless of what, unless she wants to quietly go along with it, she needs to talk to her parents. And if she is going to take drastic measures, why not talk to them first anyway before walking out or something?
     
  12. iampsyx

    iampsyx 『 On Hiatus 』

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    Without knowing more about your family's circumstances and customs, some of the advice here might make the situation worse instead of helping (like running away from home or telling them you already have a boyfriend), so take caution.

    First, do you know why your parents want you to get married by next year? Is it a standard practice in your family (ie all/most of your female relatives married young) or area, or because your parents don't believe you're capable of supporting yourself, etc? If the former, do you know of anyone who was in the same situation before and can give you advice, like an older cousin or family friend? If the latter, you'll need to start making concrete plans for your future and show them you can actually be responsible for yourself.

    What's the situation like in your area? Are married women (especially young brides) able to get a job or are they forced to become stay-at-home mothers? Are girls restricted in terms of choosing their job/house/partner and whether or not they can travel to far places (like they need to have a chaperone)?

    I agree that for now, postponing your parents' attempts at matchmaking is a priority. Like @NightOwl suggested, you can tell your parents that you want to finish your studies first and get some work experience (what my mom did) just in case something bad happens and you need to support yourself and any possible kids.

    Good luck, and I wish you the best. :blobReach:
     
  13. AneeChan

    AneeChan Active Member

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    About the reason, it's more of an insurance kind of thing where I'd have somebody to rely on with the country going into chaos and death because of the pandemic and they're unsure of their health. It's a kind of sentimental thing where they wanna witness the wedding of their daughter before something happens (And we're assuming the worst case scenario here because my religion emphasizes the significance of death). The much more immediate cause is 18-21/22 is the standard matrimonial age for ladies. For Eg; My cousin who's just turned 18 has had her marriage arranged for next year. We are peers but her case us different because she's more of a domestic person than a career person. She stopped schooling at highschool (At 16 Ordinary levels) and the guy she's about to get married to is the guy she dated (Yes, her parents had allowed dating while mine didn't) and she's more than willing to marry even this very moment. And this adds alot of pressure to my current disposition coupled with parents' concerns and gossipy relatives (Ik it sounds like a soap opera or typical Asian drama kinda thing but this is the truth:blob_teary:) So there's no way I can evade proposals :blobtired: The maximum I can do is negotiate about delaying the marriage even if complementary suitor appears:notlikeblob: So yh, I'll try to work on my own shortcomings and inadequacies from a economic and educational standpoint so that I can face off any possible status that can threaten my sensecof security/liberty:blobhug: Ps: Asking them to delay the marriage would be pretty hard too cuz the concept of delaying marriages is somewhat a taboo in my family and it has to do with the marriage of another of my cousin sister's. She was prearranged to get married to this guy and even had an engagement done but the marriage was prolonged due to their personal circumstances and she eloped with another dude 3 months prior to the wedding and it was a complete and utter humiliation to the entire family and the other party involved and everybody somehow believes that it was the delay/prolonging of the whole thing that lead to this situation: It was certainly one factor but not the only thing but yh, delaying marriages has left a sour taste in family's mouth ever since). Also believe it or not all my peers are either engaged, downright married and one even has a kid!! She's 19:blob_zipper_mouth: So yeah...things are getting REALLY tough here:blobsob: But I'll try my max:blobdead: Thanks for replying :bloblove:
     
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  14. iampsyx

    iampsyx 『 On Hiatus 』

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    Nope, it doesn't sound like a soap opera to me at all. *hugs*

    My family's situation is similar but somewhat different from yours, so I don't know what's the best advice I can give...If I were in your shoes tho: I'd get one of my parents (or another elder in the family) that might be more amenable or sympathetic on my side, and confide in them. I'd tell them that although I understand that they only want the best for me, I have plans for my future and goals which I won't be able to fulfill if I get married and have kids now. I'm also scared of marriage because look at (insert female relative/family friend/acquaintance here) and what happened to her, and also (insert another female) and (insert yet another female). [I'm assuming there are examples of failed/horror story marriages around you; or at least there are for me]

    I'll show to this parent/elder that I have zero intentions of running away to get hitched with some stranger and convince them that it's okay to have exceptions for the 'all ladies must be married by 18-21/22 yo rule', that with how the pandemic is going on, it might not be the best idea to start a family (like, "if I don't have a degree and I have kids and the economy goes haywire and I can't rely on my husband's job/wealth to support us, what will I be able to do then?") and that we should wait until things settle down, and that I want a few more years to be with and take care of them (my mom and dad). Basically, get them to believe that I'm thinking things through and I'm trustworhy.

    I would also look for state organizations/foundations for women (something religion or academia-related) or scholarships that can get me out of the area and help me buy some time with the excuse of "bettering myself" via schooling/training.

    If worst comes to worst, I'd be proactive in the matchmaking process so I can at least have a say on who I'm going to end up with. :blobdead:
     
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  15. Raven Evernight

    Raven Evernight You cared but only when it was too late ⚓️

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    Tell them you want to wait and travel first then do the green card marriage it’s super popular my aunts brother in law has two wives one in New Zealand for green card and one in his birth country she’s pregnant with his baby now the kid will probably never see his dad cause it’s a secret
     
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  16. iampsyx

    iampsyx 『 On Hiatus 』

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    :sweating_profusely::sweating_profusely::sweating_profusely: Yeah, that sounds like you're in a pretty tight spot. I can somewhat relate, but at least some of my older female cousins married when they were 25+, and spinsterhood is an available option for us if we really wanted to. Hang in there...:blob_teary::blobReach:
     
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  17. asriu

    asriu fu~ fu~ fu~

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    ah yes almost forget, on developing country where education level on general is lacking, economy is not well with huge disparity of various sector, close knit community still strong with touch of culture stuff (be it tribe, religion or whatever) the potential of children marriage is quite high~ more concerning with current pandemic situation that kinda devastating economy~
    so the OP parent reason for marriage proposal imo reasonable~

    consider some stuff from such type of marriage on developing country, the odd for divorce quite hmmm huge or problem during marriage such as slap each other, still there also potential of nothing happen~ still the key on communication~ put on mind if the other side involve demand of children you will experience hell on earth~
    well if you know people who have bad experience from such thing you will have better position~ this cat have such knowledge, from early middle school, high school up to late age marriage so those relative can't pressure this cat~
     
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  18. Wujigege

    Wujigege *Christian*SIMP*Comedian

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    Get married and get divorced like everyone is doing.
    You can also look on the bright side: You have a very good reason to work towards independence as soon as possible.
    Cheerio!!!!
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2021
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  19. Jojo775

    Jojo775 Honorary Algae Knight

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    Not sure your parents would be open for a talk when you think they'd be that unreasonable as to force dates and engagement on you, with the threat of disownment. You could tell them you're strongly against it and if they react poorly then you'll have to go independent, university is overrated anyway. You should get skills, certificates, experience or if you still want uni then a scholarship.

    You could also just go along with marriage, focus on your education and career and then if you still don't like your wife, divorce and give everyone the middle finger. Then again it'd be pretty harsh against your husband, he hasn't done anything other than being forced like you, well if he's a bastard then it's ok.

    Oh and you could try to delay, have them find several potentials husbands or find one yourself (the match with an actual possibility of working out) and then just get engaged with the promise of marriage once you graduate university and get a job. In that case finish graduating in time so as not to waste too much of her time if you're gonna cancel the thing, or maybe get an in with him if she also doesn't want to marry you so she can get ready once you're ready to announce there will be no marriage.

    Evil mode: you can't trust him, he wants the marriage to go trough and be a pain in your ass, set up a honey pot, some foxy woman to seduce him, film it and engagement cancelled.

    Edit: I just changed the everything from wife to husband as even when I started writting this comment I thought you were female, then my mind just changed it to reffering to you as male. Ah the patriarchy is deeply ingrained, even for me who tries to refer to people online as neutral they instead of he.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2021
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  20. HamsterOverlord-sama

    HamsterOverlord-sama Silently preparing for a Hamster military invasion

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    I will probably not marry in this life and the idea of marriage itself, not to mention arranged marriage at an age where your personality barely foed and you can at most be considered half an adult seems so otherworldly to me that I feel stumped to even imagine the situation. So take it with a grain of salt.
    First of all - resist. I read through the thread a bit and there was that bit where you said that it's expected that women be financially dependent on their husband. Think about this way. You now are financially dependent on your parents, who, supposedly wish you well and care for you and you are afraid to go against their ideas because they hold your financial security. Can you imagine how bad it will be with someone you barely know? You might even like someone they offer you at first, but people change. It's in human nature to treat those weaker worse, and it's in human nature to ignore how poorly the weak are treated by those stronger. Getting married like this seems like a dead end to me. Resist. Explain your position, state your opinion, make your arguments, it's your life and nobody will protect it for you. It's better to speak about how you feel now than never get a chance later.
     
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