Invictus:Memoirs of an otherworlder on a mission

I will be expecting things from you. I just hope many people are able to read your works. You are going to get better and better.

 

World politics are gonna be in the story definitely, there will be demon king but he will be normal(not hellbent on world domination) , IDK if there even will be girls as companions
calliope needs a sherman which i don't like and katyushas are not as good as the panzerwerfer 42

 

I would have loved to read it but I am generally biased towards 3-4 categories: Sci-fi, Virtual Reality, Gender Bender,Incest and Millitary. If I see any of the above mentioned tag, then I am extremely reluctant to read it.

 

I haven't read all of it yet, just wanted to say a few words from my impression of skimming through it just now. It looks like an interesting premise. My type of novels has nothing to do with the war and army theme, so I might not be able to sit down and read it, but who knows, sometimes I do if the character is interesting and it has loot porn or something. We'll see... xD

So, only one critique really. I can see where the influence from Japanese novels showed up. That dialogue... To let you imagine it visually, it's the equivalent of watching a scene with two heads, talking to each other in turns. If you see it in a movie/series you'll get bored and decide the director doesn't know how to grab attention. It's a similar thing in prose format. What are they doing while they speak? Just standing there and talking back and forth? Nothing else? At least maybe add who's speaking from time to time. That's actually my usual gripe about Japanese novels as well...

 

hahaha nobody is forcing you just watch out for truck-san

 

Will do. but I try to keep it obvious most of the time who is speaking. but seriously how do you write dialogue if not like that. I mean I can add: he asked or he cautiously added . there is not much possible there

 

I just found the video that illustrates this point perfectly, although it's about visual representation. However, it's good to keep in mind how the scene plays out as you write about it. The dialogue is important, but the setting and the speakers minute actions also matter to paint a more involving picture.

I still think you're doing a great job. It can definitely be better once you divorce yourself from the Japanese style of WN writing xD.

 

@LoneWanderer23 I just read the whole prologue a while ago going to continue it a little bit later. Going to eat some midnight snacks first. But I am going to try my best to give you a decent review. ( do not expect too much though I am kind of a newbie).

 

I don't particularly need a review. I'm more or less going to ignore it. It's enough for me that it's funny and as realistic as possible

 

Interesting history. I hope you have some romance I'll be waiting more chapters

 

who knows, we'll se what I come up with, there definitely will be princesses and noble ladys but I'm not keen on making them side characters maybe tops an arc or two and mention them throughout the story

 

This is great man !!! I really like this story. Hope you don't drop it !!!!

 

Good story (though I feel it was quite rushed, just a little bit). No offense, but I do think you need the help of an editor. If you do really intend to continue with this story, contact someone or ask for help

 

@LoneWanderer23 it was a fast paced one. Tjat cliff hanger though. You got me at the moment he curses at ares. Just kindly inform me if there is updates for this novel.

 

What do I need an editor for? I know what an editor does for a living but can you provide an example where an editor could help me?(with the story)

 

He/she could take care of the spelling errors/grammar irregularities and stuff. I don't mean to offend you but I can clearly see that you're not that proficient in English right? So I would suggest an editor for the job. However don't feel pressured though. Your novel was really good! (Sorry if you did get offended)

 

ah? no, I was sincerely asking. You don't have to apologize , if you don't criticize me how will I know what I need to fix.

 

Chapter 7

When Erik finally opened his eyes it was already the morning of the next day.

His body was stiff from sleeping in the chair. He got up on his feet and went outside to do some morning exercises.

As he was stepping through the door he was seen by a soldier who was startled for a second but quickly recovered and saluted Erik.

Before the soldier could say anything, Erik held up his hands and said, “At ease soldier. I’m still half-asleep. Let the others rest a bit longer.”

“Yes Sir,” the soldier said

Erik asked, “How many survived yesterday?”

“All the engineers; twenty-three infantrymen; the mortar team; all the logistics people and doctors; and the sniper.”

Erik paused for a while and asked, “Any injuries?”

“I’m afraid,” the soldier said with a sigh, “not sir.”

Erik didn’t like the tone in the soldier’s voice and inquired, “Why is that a bad thing?”

The soldier blanked for a moment and said with a gloomy voice, “Sir, those wolves yesterday were too vicious. Everyone who was unlucky enough to face them head-on was either split in half or lost a limb and bled out. It was as if they were shredded to pieces. The unluckier ones survived but only temporarily. “

“What do you mean the unluckier ones survived?” Erik was already assuming the worst and reality didn’t disappoint him.

The soldier said,” You are a lucky man sir. They had to be euthanized. Their internal organs were turned into meat patty and their bodies were failing. It was devastating for the doctors. Some of them even cried after they finished.”

While the soldier talked, Erik became paler and paler. As soon as the soldier finished talking, Erik tried to vomit but there was nothing to be vomited.

He sat down on the ground, coincidentally straight into a pool of blood. The cowardly general was covered in more blood than some of his soldiers.

On that day he wowed to change himself. Erik the coward died and Erik Invictus was born.

While Erik was on the crossroad of life, the system was waiting was for him to use it.

“Alright, no more moping around. I need to ascertain my status now.”, Erik said with forced courage.

Before he could open his system, he noticed there were new notifications.

[You have leveled up.]

[You have new title(s)]

[2004 Demon Wolves horde cleared.]

[Next wave in 7 days.]

Erik said with a noticeable sigh said, “System Status”

[Status]
[Store]
[Abilities]
[Map]
[Help]

“Status” Erik commanded.

[Name: Erik Hartmann]
[Level: 3]
[Race: Human]
[Occupation: Ares' Champion]
[Health:10]
[Mana: N/A]
[Strength:8]
[Agility:9]
[Stamina:7]
[Intelligence:13]
[Wisdom:10]
[Leadership:13]
[Abilities:3]

Titles: Champion of Ares, No Mana Freak, Natural Leader, Intelligent, Enemy of Rabbits, Enemy of Wolves
Points: 4040


Erik was astonished that anybody even survived, “Well, at least we have enough points to buy food and weapons.”

“Store” he said.

[HQ]
[Army]
[Airforce]
[Navy]
[Logistics]
[Research]

“Army”


[Buildings]
[Infantry]
[Recon]
[Tank]
[AT]
[Artillery]
[AA]
[Transport]
[Miscellaneous]

Since we won’t be staying here after the battle everything needs to motorized, thus thought Erik.

After an hour of deliberation and calculation he decided upon summoning three mortar teams, four half-tracks, four Puma reconnaissance vehicles, four squads of infantry, twenty half-tracks, four AA tanks, four Panther tanks and one command Tiger II tank.

But first he had to buy a motor pool and a tank depot. After selecting them, his screen changed to a bird-eye view and ghost buildings appeared in his view to place them where he wanted.

After that task was finished he was left with 970 points. The remaining points were reserved for food, water and fuel.
Due to the large number of wolf corpses, the army had food to last.

The military facilities were like spawn points, so when Erik started summoning the soldiers they appeared inside their respective spawn points.

Even vehicles were rolling out of the depots like a conveyor belt and parking themselves in their designated parking spots.

Soon everyone was lined up and saluting to their General. Even the survivors from the previous battle have awoken and lined up. Everyone’s attention was directed at Erik.

Erik shouted, “Men, we have to win one more time to regain our freedom. We have a week to prepare for the battle! Everyone has to give their best or none of us will survive!”

He said” Everyone will be given assignments now.”

“Engineer squad, you are to fix the trenches and remove the wolf corpses from the tank traps. Also you need to clear at least 500 meters of forest in every direction. Next time I don’t want theme even come near my base! Understood?!!”

The engineers shouted, “Sir, yes Sir!”

Erik turned to the mortar crews, “Mortar crews, your job is to fix the markings and load you mortars onto the half-tracks. Understood?!!”

The mortar crews shouted, “Sir, yes Sir!”

Next he turned to the remaining infantrymen and tankers, “You are to help out the engineers with their job and also start cooking immediately. I have an army to feed!”

The men shouted, “Sir, yes Sir!”

Erik was feeling pleased with himself and declared in his mind that he did everything he could.

It was a bit chilly in the morning so he decided to head back inside.

As he put a foot inside the headquarters there was a grumbling sound. He remembered that he hadn’t eaten yet, so he turned around and shouted, “And someone better bring me my goddamn breakfast soon!”

After leaving those words, he slammed the door behind himself.

 

I think its inspiration is like a novel here .. I just forgot its title anyone know it?

 

It's name is literally written right after the synopsis