Question Is this plot summary feasible

Discussion in 'Translator's Corner' started by Poptart, Apr 9, 2019.

  1. Poptart

    Poptart Well-Known Member

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    Hello! I recently found a novel that I’m interested in. It’s not currently translated, so I thought I’d mtl it but with heavy editing. I’m learning mandarin so if thought this would help(and it has). But since I’m editing it for myself, I thought that I may as well let other people see my edited chapters. However, I don’t want to give out a translation that no one understands. I also don’t want it to look stilted. I was wondering if anyone could look over it and critique it? I am willing to change things and what not.
    ——————
    This is the plot summary:
    Qingyan, a contemporary special soldier, code-named Lonely Falcon, was blown up during the Zhuo execution of her mission. Again, she opened her eyes, but she had become the minister of the Han Empire’s fourth concubine’s daughter, an idiot. **Along with an edict, to marry the emperor’s ghost face uncle(wangye). ** Transmigrated, she became the little emperor’s aunt.

    A waste king with a silly princess, a natural pair.

    Offering himself to become emperor, wifey patted his chest andsaid, “ if you open the border, I will help you expand the soil; if you recruit, I will help you train; You don’t have a horse? I will help you rob the horse;”

    “Wifey, this ben wang does not have a son….”

    “I’ll help you… wait a minute. Ha! You’re in the prime of yourlife. You have a strong body and good kidneys. You will have more than enoughsuccessors.”

    “…”

    But she was unaware of her being “prey” and of her own secrets. A back tattooed with a treasure map, in all directions, forces fight for her.

    Wang ye/ your highness/lord, wangfei/princess has killed senior provincial Hou’s eldest grandson in the street. Kill and kill. if you have the ability, come to the royal palace and try to arrest! Your highness, the princess led people to the North Jin general’s home and beat him up. Your highness, princess strung him up naked in the trees in exhibition.

    --A splendid job! Look at how the Ghost King/ wang ye spoils his princess.

    The world can fight, but wifey is his.
    ——————
    This is not the final version as I couldn’t choose whether to translate wang ye or leave it be. In the original, it used about 3 different ways to call him by his title. I also feel that some parts are very stilted and lackluster(line 2 for example).
     
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  2. Jeanne_DG

    Jeanne_DG Well-Known Member

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    I'd read this novel based on your summary. It could stand to be a bit cleaner. It needs a little editing for proper grouping of sentences so that it can be more comprehensible. That "Again" before "she opened her eyes" sounded awkward for me. Small thing... I hope you can publish the translation soon!
     
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  3. Maid Chan

    Maid Chan [Professional]

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    ... the 'contemporary' word bugs me.
     
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  4. Pandahugger

    Pandahugger Member

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    Line 2's flow can be changed to When she opened her eyes again, she had become the idiot concubine-born fourth miss of the Han empire's minister.
     
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  5. Beer_Kitty

    Beer_Kitty Just a very very drunk kitty that likes beer

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    It bugs me all over. Feels off for some reason.
     
  6. Poptart

    Poptart Well-Known Member

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    Thank your for your critique! I’ll ask my sister who’s a writer to help me with the editing as honestly, I’ve never been much of a wordsmith. I agree with the “again” part. I feel it’s extremely stilted. And ty again:) I’ll try to post it soon.
     
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  7. Poptart

    Poptart Well-Known Member

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    I agree. I will try and fix it. I just wasn’t sure if I should completely omit it or if I should change the word to something else. Also ty for the critique!:)
     
  8. Poptart

    Poptart Well-Known Member

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    Tysm! I will change it to this. I wasn’t sure if I should have shortened it or if I should have translated it literally. Once again, thank you!:)
     
  9. Poptart

    Poptart Well-Known Member

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    What exactly feels off?:) ty!
     
  10. joey183

    joey183 The Mysterious Entity

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    I agree with this. I feel really odd when reading this. Most of the sentence structure seems to be missing off some words that every sentence is left hanging. It seems like you are doing a word to word translation but because Chinese have a different set of grammar from English, this may have been the cause for the 'hanging' sentences.

    Qingyan, a contemporary special soldier, with the code-named Lonely Falcon, was blown up during her mission to execute Zhuo execution of her mission. When she opened her eyes again, she had become the idiot concubine-born fourth miss of the Han empire's minister. Again, she opened her eyes, but she had become the minister of the Han Empire’s fourth concubine’s daughter, an idiot. **Along with an edict, which is to marry the emperor’s ghost face uncle(wangye). ** Having transmigrated, she became the little emperor’s aunt.

    Well, without the raws, it's hard to give good amendments though. It may be good to stick with Wangye and Wangfei since princess can refer to a lot of other people in Chinese royalty chart.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2019
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  11. Poptart

    Poptart Well-Known Member

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    Wow! Thank you! I wasn’t sure if I should have gone literal or if I should have taken liberties to make it less vague by adding in things. Also what do you mean by Zhuo?:) is she executing zhuo or is no? Sorry! These are the raws: 卓清颜,当代特种兵,代号孤隼,执行任务被炸飞,身落山崖。再次睁开眼,却成了大汉帝国尚书府的庶出四小姐,一个傻子。一道圣旨,赐婚给当朝皇上的小皇叔鬼面王爷。摇身一变,成了当朝皇上的小皇婶。废王配傻妃,天生是一对。自请成为番王,贤内助拍着胸脯道:你开疆,我帮着扩土;你招兵,我帮你练兵;你没马,我帮你抢马;……“爱妃,本王没有子嗣……”“我帮你……那个再等等哈……王爷正壮年,身强肾不亏,一定会后继有人!”“……”可她却不知,自己身负秘密,背上纹的藏宝图,被各方势力争抢,她也成为了一个“猎物”!——王爷,王妃当街杀了候郡守的嫡长孙……——杀就杀了,有本事就来王府抓人!——王爷,王妃带人将临郡太守府给挑了……——想当太守的人多了去了,换人!——王爷,王妃带人将北晋的大将军毒打,挂在树上裸展了……——干的漂亮!看冷面鬼面王爷如何宠妃无度,天下可以打拼,爱妃才是他的宝藏。
     
  12. joey183

    joey183 The Mysterious Entity

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    I wrote it as 'to execute Zhou' because of the word 'Zhou execution' but looking at the raws, it seems to have stated differently. I try to translate some part of the raws as to demonstrate how a normal sentence structure feels. Could be like this? I'm not exactly that good at translating as I'm only a native English speaker, not Chinese.

    卓清颜,当代特种兵,代号孤隼,执行任务被炸飞,身落山崖。
    Zhou Qingyan, a contemporary era special force soldier, with the code name of Lonely Falcon, was blown up while carrying out a mission/task and her body fell of the cliff.
    再次睁开眼,却成了大汉帝国尚书府的庶出四小姐,一个傻子。
    When she opened her eyes again, she had become the idiot concubine-born fourth miss of the Han empire's minister.
    一道圣旨,赐婚给当朝皇上的小皇叔鬼面王爷。
    Along with an imperial edict, she was conferred a marriage with the emperor's younger uncle, the Ghost Faced Wangye.
    摇身一变,成了当朝皇上的小皇婶。
    So, after transmigrated, she had became the emperor’s little aunt.

    I think you can't really be too literal when translating Chinese words since they often have double meaning, and they can be quite literature based in an ancient Chinese setting due to all the poetry stuff. Too vague isn't good also because English readers may not be able to understand. You'll need to find the right balance with enough practice, I guess?
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2019
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  13. Poptart

    Poptart Well-Known Member

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    I understand! Thank you very much:) I really appreciate it. Your translation is much more spicy, so I think I get what you mean. I appreciate your time and effort. I will apply this to the summary and my chapter translations.
     
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  14. joey183

    joey183 The Mysterious Entity

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    You are welcome. I'm glad to be able to help an aspiring translator since that'll mean more novels for me to read ;)
     
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  15. crazyzhen

    crazyzhen Active Member

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    Here's my take on it:

    Zhuo Qingyan, a special ops soldier from modern times, known as lonely (lone) falcon, was involved in an explosions during a mission, and fell down a cliff.

    Upon opening her eyes again, she became the concubine bourne, fourth miss (daughter) of the Han empire's minister, an idiot.

    After an imperial edict, she was betrothed to the King's youngest uncle, the Ghost Faced Wangye.

    In a blink of an eye, she became the King's aunt.

    A useless Wangye with an idiot for a wife (Wangfei?) is a match made in heaven.

    Sorry. I would do more, but doing it on my phone is killing me. @.@ The sentence structure and grammar might be a bit weird, but I hope it helps. ;)
     
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  16. Poptart

    Poptart Well-Known Member

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    Wow you’re amazing. If I wasn’t such a peasant, I’d give you a billion bucks. Like, this is amazing. The effort. I shall use this as a reference for future translations. Spicy af. I had so much trouble making it even passable readable, yet you did super amazing. I can only aspire! Thank you!
     
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  17. Maid Chan

    Maid Chan [Professional]

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    How about changing it to 'modern day' ?
     
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  18. Sakhyu

    Sakhyu Well-Known Member

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    Here's my take on it!
    卓清颜,当代特种兵,代号孤隼,执行任务被炸飞,身落山崖。
    Zhuo QingYan, a modern day special forces soldier with the code name 'Lone Falcon', was sent flying by an explosion during her mission and fell down a cliff.
    再次睁开眼,却成了大汉帝国尚书府的庶出四小姐,一个傻子。
    When she opened her eyes again, she had become the concubine-borne daughter of a Great Han Empire's high official, the Fourth Miss. An idiot.
    一道圣旨,赐婚给当朝皇上的小皇叔鬼面王爷。
    After an Imperial Edict, she was bestowed a marriage to Emperor Chao's youngest Imperial Uncle, the Ghost-Faced Wangye.
    摇身一变,成了当朝皇上的小皇婶。
    With a new lease on life, she became Emperor Chao's Imperial Aunt.
    废王配傻妃,天生是一对。
    A crippled Wangye matched to a foolish wife was truly a perfect couple.
    自请成为番王,贤内助拍着胸脯道:
    Ever since he became the Barbarian Wangye, his good wife patted her chest and said:
    你开疆,我帮着扩土;你招兵,我帮你练兵;你没马,我帮你抢马;……
    If you want to open up a new territory, I will help you spread the soil. If you recruit soldiers, I will help you drill the troops. If you don't have a horse, I will help you steal a horse......
    “爱妃,本王没有子嗣……”
    "Beloved wife, benwang (this Prince/King) does not have a heir......"
    “我帮你……那个再等等哈……王爷正壮年,身强肾不亏,一定会后继有人!”
    "I'll help you......that can wait for a bit, ha......Wangye is currently at the prime of his life, with a strong body that doesn't have deficient kidneys. He'll definitely have qualified successors in the future!"
    “……”
    可她却不知,自己身负秘密,背上纹的藏宝图,被各方势力争抢,她也成为了一个“猎物”!
    However, she didn't know that her own body had a secret. The hidden treasure hunt map on her back was fought over by influential forces in all directions. She had also turned into 'prey'!
    ——王爷,王妃当街杀了候郡守的嫡长孙……
    ——Wangye, Wangfei killed the eldest son of the first wife of a senior official in the middle of the street......
    ——杀就杀了,有本事就来王府抓人!
    ——If she killed him, she killed him! If they have the ability, they can come to my mansion to arrest her!
    ——王爷,王妃带人将临郡太守府给挑了……
    ——Wangye, Wangfei brought people to dig up the mansion of a governor who oversees a whole region......
    ——想当太守的人多了去了,换人!
    ——There's a bunch of people who wants to be the governor, replace him!
    ——王爷,王妃带人将北晋的大将军毒打,挂在树上裸展了……
    ——Wangye, Wangfei brought people and beat up the General from North Jin, before hanging him up naked on the trees......
    ——干的漂亮!
    ——She did a beautiful job!
    看冷面鬼面王爷如何宠妃无度,天下可以打拼,爱妃才是他的宝藏。
    Look at how the stern Ghost-Faced Wangye excessively pampers his Wangfei. The world under the heavens can fight, but only his Beloved Wife was his treasure.
    One thing I've learned while translating is that Chinese grammar definitely does not exist, so don't be afraid to split up sentences whenever there is a topic change. Otherwise, it'll just turn into a run-on sentence in English (for example, if it was me, I might split up the first sentence into: Zhuo QingYan was a modern day special forces soldier with the code name 'Lone Falcon'. She had been sent flying by an explosion during her mission and fell down a cliff.)!

    Also, if you find things that don't really make sense, it wouldn't hurt to search it up. Something like 摇身一变 is an idiom (if it's four characters and strange, there's a good chance that it's an idiom haha).

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2019
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  19. Poptart

    Poptart Well-Known Member

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    Tysm for your help! The dialogue part def helped a lot. I also noticed the thing with run-on sentences. Just commas on
    top of commas. It’s wild. And do you think people prefer wangye/wangfei of the translated version. I usually like reading it untranslated, but I’m getting conflicting ideas on it. One person gave me the thought to call the ml a marquis, however I’ve never seen “wangye” translated that way. I also didn’t know they had that in ancient China, so idk what do dooo.
     
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  20. crazyzhen

    crazyzhen Active Member

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    Just use Wangye? Marquis seems so England-ish.. :blobjoy:
     
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