I have been busy with real life and hardly had the drive and inspiration to write stories. And finally today I had an idea, so I wrote down the first chapter of it. P.S. If there is any grammer error or suggestions that could improved on the story, please do tell me. Thanks Synopsis: Kurogane Kuro, an average student who like drawing. While also using it to earn some pocket money as he attends school. Hoping to sail through his school life quietly and peacefully, he hardly does more than he should and rarely communicates with others. Isolating him from the other students or it was supposed to be. Due to certain situations and incidents, Kurogane Kuro became best friends with Awamaki Naofumi who is a rich, handsome, good nature and talented boy along with his girlfriend, Asami Yuna who is a beautiful and talented ojou sama who wouldn't leave him alone. Hence, Kuro's supposed quiet and peaceful sailing through life sunk. Will Kuro try to regain his dull life or will he enjoy youth with his two best friends and maybe perhaps have a rose colored life himself as time passed? Genre: Romance, School, Slice of Life
Chapter 1 - Kurogane Kuro Spoiler Kurogane Kuro's POV "Yo Kurogane! How's your test?" (Naofumi) My best friend, Awamaki Naofumi, a handsome dude who is on the wealthy side as well as having a great personality making him the most popular guy in the school, called out to me as he placed his arm on my shoulder. "Well, the usual. What about you?" I got up from my head resting position and answered Naofumi. "Heh! Behold my perfect score!" (Naofumi) Naofumi then had an irritating smug look as he presented his test papers with marks above 90. "I wished I can socked that annoying grin off your face but why showed this to me? OI!" "Of course it's so I can see yours. A fair trade my friend. Let's see...am I seeing things?" (Naofumi) As I gave him an irritated growl for his smug face which somehow reminded me of a game character that always has an annoying grin on his face, he managed to took my test papers from me. As he scanned through my scores, he questioned me as if he was seeing an illusion. "Of course not you idiot. Now return them!" "How? Are you really Kurogane?!" (Naofumi) "Stop acting dramatically you lil' shit! I only study for the test and the teacher said that I don't need to return for summer class if I scored above 80s for all my test. So dropped it, alright?! Hah..." Then I rebutted Naofumi and snatched back my test papers. "Seriously...there is a fine line of wanting to do it and not being able to do it. Also I got a few illustrations and commissions to finish, so I can't afford to attend summer class alright? I'm about to leave soon just so you know. So...what do you need? You wouldn't just come here just to show me your tests with that damn smug on your face. So?" "Ah that's right! Do you want to come with me and Yuna for summer vacation? Ah don't need to make any excuses, you will probably finished your illustrations and commissions in about a week at most right?" (Naofumi) "Hah...fine...so who was the one that suggested I tagged along?" And it seemed like Naofumi wanted to invite me to spend the summer vacation with him and Yuna who was his current girlfriend. In which the request itself is kinda weird cause normally you would to spend your precious time with your significant other. ""Both of us!"" (Yuna & Naofumi) Out from the back of Naofumi, Asami Yuna, a popular girl who is beautiful and kind, though a little ditzy appeared as they both claimed that it was both their idea to invite me along with them. Hearing that I grabbed my head and asked them why. "It would be ungrateful to not invite you after all you done for the both of us. After all, you would just sit at your place doing your usual routine, wouldn't it be boring?" (Yuna) "..." "And wouldn't you get some idea and reference for your work if you went with us?" (Yuna) "Hah...fine. However, both of you don't neglect each other too much alright? You both should know that I would be fine by myself right?" Then Naofumi and Yuna looked at each other for a few seconds before chuckling at my words. "Bro, it is because you are like this, we can't. Especially not after you helped us get together you know." (Naofumi) "That's right Kuro. To worry about our relationship... You should really care for yourself you know that? At this rate you won't be able to find a girlfriend you know that, you tsundere?" (Yuna) Hearing their words, I had a small smile not viewable to them but when Yuna mentioned tsundere to me, I frowned due to unnecessity of it. Then I asked them the date of departure since I need to plan my schedule due to this new event. "That last word was seriously unnecessary. So, when are you guys heading there?" "This coming Thursday. Is it fine with you?" (Naofumi) "That's quite fast ain't it. Fine, then I will head back now. You guys got anything you need finish up before leaving?" "Ah right, is it alright if we both stayed at your place till the departure date?" (Yuna) Informing me of the coming departure date, I quickly packed up my stuff in order to leave school since the last bell of the day had already rung. Then Yuna just dropped me a bombshell of a request which cause me to halt all my actions for a few seconds before I questioned her for the reasons for it while massaging my forehead for her slightly absurd request. "If I may ask, why? Also did both of you informed your parents already?" "Yup we did and they gave their approval." (Naofumi) "That's right. Both father and mother gave the thumbs up." (Yuna) "Hah..seriously...?" ""Serious."" This freaking lovebirds! Hah... "Fine then hurry up!" I didn't want to deal with their unreasonableness any longer than I had to. The two of them quickly went back to their classroom to get their bag as I slowly head for the school gates by myself. As I neared the gate, the two were running towards me, telling me to wait which I slowed down further to let them catch up to me while causing a ruckus with their appearances. Why would they cause such commotion? If one would ask such, my answer would be a question asking why would the two famous individuals of the school who were scouted by model, idol company, as well as being from a well off families, be friends with a moody dude with a sharp tongue that only looked slightly better than average. Hence the commotions from the peanut gallery. "Hah...hurry up you two, the crowd is getting really noisy." ""Right!"" Looking at them heading towards me, I thought, maybe it was not such a bad idea helping them after all, now both of them are my best friends.
But....come on, a guy and his girlfriend are the only friends MC has. The couple sounds naive, but kind. While the girl just keeps bothering the MC (from summary). Where else would this story go?
You're suggesting for the writer to change his story into another genre, just because you like that genre? That's rude. Like, actually rude. Let him write whatever genres he wants, he just wants feedback. You read the summary and one bit of the story and immediately draw conclusions. The summary says, as time passed. So, hold your horses and let the guy write his novel without shoving your favorite genres onto him. Don't be rude, he wants feedback not people crying for NTR. Especially when he has already said he will refrain from NTR. Anyway, I'm writing some feedback on the summary. Give me some time.
Calm down man, I hate NTR. But the vibe taken from the summary and character backgrounds as well as their different personalities are all common tropes of NTR from my experience. So yea, I am giving MY feedback.
You do not write stories to get feedback You write to tell a story. Tell your story If you are writing to gain acceptance then find a different hobby
Kurogane Kuro, an average dude whose hobby is drawing and also used it as a form of earning income as he attends a school. Hoping to sail through his school life peacefully and quietly, he hardly do more than he should and rarely communicate with others causing him to be alone or it was supposed to be. I don't like the word dude, but that's subjective. Better make it into guy, or even better, student. whose hobby is drawing is clunky wording, try to avoid large subordinate clauses (that's what those are called I think?) with to be if possible. Why? You're adding words without any function into the sentence, and because it can be read as a separate sentence it also hampers the readers' understanding when reading through the full sentence. Actually, you shouldn't be using whose in the first place, because that's clunky as well. You're adding clause after clause, not considering that it makes the sentence more difficult for the readers. Keep it simple and stupid if you're not aiming for flowery literature. Don't say as a form of earning income. Say either as a form of income or to earn income. Also, you don't indicate how much he makes off of it. Is he a full-blown artist? Or is it some pocket money? By adding one or two words you could add a lot of meaning. An example of how you could write it: Kurogane Kuro, your average student, loves to draw and earns some pocket money off of it as he attends school. I like the transition into the next sentence with Hoping to sail through his school life. I would switch the order of peacefully and quietly, rolls better off of the tongue. You could consider using only one adjective there to make it more fluent, but then you'd lose a little bit of meaning of course. he hardly do more than he should is incorrect English: does is the correct form of to do. Also, this is very blandly written, something like he sticks to the background or any other more colorful wording will breathe life into your sentence. and rarely communicate with others is incorrect as well. It's communicates. Now, hereafter you have to either add a comma or split it into two sentences. I prefer the comma here because the sentence as a whole has a concrete goal, concrete meaning. Again, causing him to be alone is a little bland, the word causing doesn't have much meaning in itself. What about isolating him from the rest of his class? Isolating is one word fulfilling the function of both causing to and alone. There's maybe a more powerful way to split it into two separate sentences, emphasizing the last part of your sentence for dramatic effect: ... with others, isolating him from the rest of his class. Or that's how it was supposed to be. Well, that's it for the first two sentences of the summary. I hope it's useful, I'm a bit nitpicky. Something I also liked to see was you switching between longer and shorter sentences. Really improves the flow of a text. Calm down man, this has nothing to do with liking or not liking NTR. The genre doesn't say NTR, the author says he doesn't want to do NTR. There's no discussion to be had. You have concerns for the story in the long term? Or think the first chapter should be done differently if it isn't NTR? Then tell OP so, and give him appropriate feedback.
Fixed version: I have been busy with real life and hardly had the drive and inspiration to write stories. I finally had an idea today, so I wrote down its first chapter. P.S. If there are any grammar errors or suggestions that could improve the story, please do tell me. Thanks. Synopsis: Kurogane Kuro, an average dude whose hobby and source of income is drawing as he attends school. Hoping to sail through his school life peacefully and quietly, he hardly does more than he should and rarely communicates with others, causing him to be alone(can either put '...' or '-' here to similar effect) or it was supposed to be. Due to certain situations and incidents, Kurogane Kuro became best friends with Awamaki Naofumi, who is a rich, handsome, good natured and talented boy along with his girlfriend, Asami Yuna who is a beautiful and talented ojou sama who won't leave him alone. Hence, Kuro's supposed quiet and peaceful sailing through life sunk (This somewhat makes sense but I might change it to 'Hence, Kuro's plan to quietly and peacefully sail through life was sunk'). Will Kuro try to regain his dull life or will he enjoy youth with his two best friends and perhaps have a rose colored life himself as time passes? Genre: Romance, School, Slice of Life Fixed version: Chapter 1 - Kurogane Kuro Kurogane Kuro's POV "Yo Kurogane! How's your test?" (Naofumi) My best friend, Awamaki Naofumi, a handsome dude who is on the wealthy side ("as well as having a great personality" This seems to be contradicted by the next few parts of the conversation, but this one's totally your call) and the most popular guy in school, called out to me ("asking for my test results" This seems redundant, as it's literally what was said the line before) as he placed his arm on my shoulder. "Well, the usual. What about you?" I got up from my head resting position and answered Naofumi. ("Then I proceed to inquired his." Similar to before, you're just repeating yourself needlessly here.) "Heh! Behold my perfect score!" (Naofumi) Naofumi then had an irritatingly smug look as he presented his test papers with marks above 90. "I wished I could sock that irritating grin off your face but why show this to me? OI!" "Of course it's so I can see yours. A fair trade my friend. Let's see...am I seeing things?" (Naofumi) As I gave him an irritated growl for his smug face which somehow reminded me of a game character ("that always has an irritable grin on his face" try not to repeat words too much - 'irritated', 'face' - could be better as "that always had a similarly annoying grin"), he managed to take my test papers from me (Sentence got too long). As he scanned through my scores, he questioned me as if he was seeing an illusion. "Of course not you idiot. Now return them!" "How? Are you really Kurogane?!" (Naofumi) "Stop acting dramatically you lil' shit! I only studied for the test and the teacher said that I don't need to return for summer class if I scored above 80s for all my tests. So drop it, alright?! Hah..." Then I rebutted Naofumi and snatched back my test papers. "Seriously... There is a fine line of wanting to do it and not being able to do it. I have a few illustrations and commissions to finish, so I can't afford to attend summer class, alright (I would put a question mark here instead of a full stop, your choice though). I'm about to leave soon, just so you know. So... What do you need? You wouldn't come here just to show me your tests with that damn smug look on your face. So?" "Ah that's right! Do you want to come with me and Yuna for summer vacation? Ah, you don't need to make any excuses, you will probably finish your illustrations and commissions in about a week at most right?" (Naofumi) "Hah... Fine... So who was the one that suggested I tag along?" It seemed like Naofumi wanted to invite me to spend the summer vacation with him and Yuna, who was his current girlfriend. The request itself was kinda weird cause normally you would want to spend your precious time with your significant other(", so I asked Naofumi who suggested the idea" Repetition again). ""Both of us!"" (Yuna & Naofumi) Out from the back of Naofumi(", his girlfriend" mentioned last paragraph, redundant), Asami Yuna, a popular girl who is beautiful and kind, though a little ditzy, appeared as they both claimed that it was both of their ideas to invite me along with them. Hearing that I grabbed my (I literally can't help you here. "Grabbed my"... what?) and asked them why. "It would be ungrateful to not invite you after all you've done for the both of us. After all, you would just sit at your place doing your usual routine, wouldn't it be boring?" (Yuna) "..." "And wouldn't you get some ideas and references for your work if you went with us?" (Yuna) "Hah... Fine. However, both of you don't neglect each other too much, alright? You both should know that I would be fine by myself, right?" Then Naofumi and Yuna looked at each other for a few seconds before chuckling at my words. "Bro, it is because you are like this, we can't. Especially not after you helped us get together you know." (Naofumi) "That's right Kuro. To worry about our relationship(", you" I think changing it to "... You" would be better here, but your call) should really care for yourself, you know that? At this rate you won't be able to find a girlfriend, you know that, you tsundere?" (Yuna) Hearing their words, I had a small smile not viewable to them but when Yuna mentioned tsundere to me, I frowned due to the unnecessity of it. Then I asked them the date of departure since I needed to plan my schedule due to this new event. "That last word was seriously unnecessary. So, when are you guys heading there?" "This coming Thursday. Is it fine with you?" (Naofumi) "That's quite fast ain't it. Fine, then I will head back now. You guys got anything you need finish up before leaving?" "Ah right, is it alright if we both stayed at your place till the departure date?" (Yuna) Informing me of the coming departure date, I quickly packed up my stuff in order to leave school since the last bell of the day had already rung. Then Yuna just dropped me a bombshell of a request which caused me to halt all my actions for a few seconds before I questioned her for the reasons for it while massaging my forehead for her slightly absurd request. "If I may ask, why? Also did both of you informed your parents already?" "Yup we did and they gave their approval." (Naofumi) "That's right. Both father and mother gave the thumbs up." (Yuna) "Hah..seriously...?" ""Seriously."" These freaking lovebirds! Hah... "Fine, then hurry up!" Not wanting to deal with their unreasonableness(", I demanded them to hurry up" again. Might want to revise this sentence, perhaps to "I didn't want to deal with their unreasonableness any longer than I had to"). The two of them quickly went back to their classroom to get their bags as I slowly headed for the school gates by myself. As I neared the gate, the two were running towards me telling me to wait , so I slowed down further to let them catch up to me while causing a ruckus with their appearances. Why would they cause such commotion? If one would ask that, my answer would be a question asking why would the two famous individuals of the school who were scouted by models, idol companies, as well as being from well off families (they have different family names so i'm presuming they're from different families here), be friends with a moody dude with a sharp tongue that only looked slightly better than average. Hence the commotions from the peanut gallery. "Hah... Hurry up you two, the crowd is getting really noisy." ""Right!"" Looking at them heading towards me, I thought, maybe it was not such a bad idea helping them after all, now that both of them are my best friends. ... My advice to you: 1. You're writing in past tense. This is not a rebuttal, this is a reminder, because sometimes you slip up and write in present tense when you shouldn't. 2. While you're writing in past tense, conversation should be in present tense. Do you talk in past tense? Didn't think so. 3. You repeat yourself needlessly. You don't need to tell people the same thing multiple times, especially not so close together. 4. General grammar. Spaces after '...'s, Capital letters in the first word after the same (sometimes it's fine if you're using the '...' as a slight pause, with the words after it being a continuation of the same sentence, but that's not really how you're using it here), break sentences up into multiple sentences if they're getting too long.
cause some sentence may come off weird and my english is not perfect so I would like to know if there is improvement that could be made to my sentence structure and grammer.
That's what an editor is for. Be more confident in yourself. Tell your story. You can edit and proofread when it's done. You are putting the cart before the horse.. If your story is good enough, I might even pay you to adapt it into a manga/comic. But first tell you have to tell your story. Peace! P.S. get Grammarly