Hello, I'm writing a story called "Magus Civilization", I hope you guys can give me any feedback since it is my first time writing a story. Synopsis: Magus is a being that manipulate the nature of the world to seek the truth. This is a story of a young man who took his step on the path of Magus to seek his own truth. Through navigating the Magus Civilization, he will witness the beauty of the world, the nature of men, and the violence of survival. Beware of the truth, for what you find maybe not what you seek. Genre: Action, Adventure, Fantasy (There may be political and kingdom building) Table of Contents Chapter 1 Chapter 2
Spoiler: Chapter 1: Magus and Fay Plane Chapter 1: Magus and Fay Plane "Ahhhh-hhaaaaaa." A yawning sound of a young man reverberated from his mouth disturbing the tranquility of the night in his room. The room was a typical bedroom with a size around 25 square metres. The room looked relatively clean and organized,which showed that the owner of the room is quite a neat person. The bed was positioned at one corner of the room and at the corner beside the bed is the closet. At the opposite corner of the bed stood a table and a chair. Beside the table and chair stood a big bookshelf filled with books. If you looked closely at the books in the bookshelf, the condition of the books is relatively good but traces of repeated uses could be seen, showing that the books had been thoroughly utilized. Currently, sitting on the chair in front of the table was a young man. He had a black hair and the glasses that he wore did not hide his shiny brown eyes. He had a round shaped face and straight nose that gave rise to a hint of handsomeness from his otherwise ordinary face. His young look showed a bit of naivety which was understandable since he was 16 years old. The young man’s name was Bennett Far. His eyes were very focused on the book on top of the table. You could see from the cover of the book, it was titled ‘A Brief History of Magus and Fay Plane’. The book explained the history of the relationship between Magus and Fay plane. It also explained that Magus was a being that could utilize the power of magic to manipulate the nature of the world. It described how Magus could move mountains, split the seas and puncture the skies with the power of magic. The book also introduced the Fay plane to its reader. Fay plane was a plane of existence that Bennett currently living in. There were a lot of planes in this universe and each plane had its own environment and rules of nature. There was a plane with the environment and its creature made up of fire, and there was also another plane with its creature and environment made up of lightning. The Fay plane was just a normal plane where everything was in balance. Due to the power of Magus to manipulate nature at will, they had a huge impact on the Fay plane. Fay plane was a spherical plane which meant that the land of the plane is spherical, where if you went into one direction, you could come back to the point you first started moving. The plane had two main continents which were dubbed as the living continent and the beast continent. The living continent was the continent that most of intelligence being inhabited including Bennett, whereas the beast continent was filled with vicious and violent beasts. Between the two continents lies the Deep Sea. Even though the name of the sea sounded simple, the sea itself was anything but simple. It was the home of multiple huge sea monsters, making crossing the sea a life and death situation. Bennett flipped the page while writing notes in his notebook as he had finished reading the information in the page. Here he found more information on the living continent. The living continent could be divided into two regions, the northern region and the southern region. It was divided into two regions due to the presence of a huge mountain range between the two regions. The mountain range was called the Death range due to the dangerous nature of the mountain range. Since the geography of the mountain range was unsuitable for normal intelligence beings, it had become the place of beasts, monsters and all kinds of horrors. Bennett was still focused on reading the book and his hand hadn’t stopped writing all the important points into his notebook. He now found himself reading more on the southern region which was the region of his home. The southern region was also divided into two parts, the west coast and the east coast. The two coasts were divided by a great desert which spanned from the Death range at the north to the Tranquil sea at the south. The desert was called the Desert of Solitude because there were just a few living creatures there and you could find yourself alone in the desert for months. And further south, past the Tranquil sea, was the Paw Archipelago. It was called Paw Archipelago due to the arrangement of the five main islands of the archipelago that was similar to a paw when looking from above. The book now explained the influence of Magus on the living continent. Bennett was currently living in the city of Cahya which was part of the Republic of Radem.The influence of Magus in Radem was very deep. Almost every aspect in the republic, whether it is financial, societal, and political, was full of Magus hand in play. In the west coast, in which Radem was in, there were four giant Magus organizations that held the most influence and authority. They were the Mystery Den, Arcane Dune, Nature of Origin, and Rune Works which controlled the north, east, south and west respectively. There were other Magus organizations, private companies, clans, and families that also held some kind of influence in the west coast but all of them need to respect the authority of the big four. Interestingly, the Republic of Radem was actually positioned at the intersection between the border of influence of the big four, which allowed it to be a republic. After reaching the end of the book, Bennett stopped writing in his notebook and leaned his head back to his chair to get a comfortable position. He stretched his right hand a bit to remove the tiredness from writing all those notes and his left put down his glasses and started massaging his eyes that also got a little bit tired from reading the book. He then started looking to his left where there was a window that showed him the view of the city. Bennett’s home was an apartment in a 20-stories apartment building in which his home stayed on the 12th floor. The apartment building was situated at the southeast outer part of the city. This area was specially planned for residential purposes, thus there were other apartment buildings and residential houses in this area. It would take an hour of walking to reach the inner part of the city. Due to the area location being quite far from the heart of the city, the environment of this area was very calming and serene when the night came. Bennett’s room actually faced in the direction of the city without any obstruction from other apartment buildings, thus he could see the wide view of the city from his bedroom. After appreciating the view of the city through his window, he leaned his back a bit and looked above the table to see the clock hanging on the wall. “Ah, it’s already 12am, that’s why the surrounding was so quiet.” Bennett talked to himself. Bennett then lowered his head and looked at the book that he just studied. He let out a huge sigh. “I hope I can answer all the questions for tomorrow’s exam.” The exam was the final examination from the school that Bennett was attending. The school at the west coast of the southern region or any other places that were influenced by the Magus commonly had nine years of compulsory education that started at the age of 7 until the age of 16. ‘I think I should go to bed now. Don’t want to be late tomorrow.’ Bennett thought to himself. Bennett started to stand up and here we could see that his height was around 175cm which was an average height for people around his age. He then just jumped to the bed behind him, tucked into the blanket, closed his eyes and went to sleep.
Well this is just the start so it's very early to say anything about the story but it looks promising . But I would preferred if you made it more clear and distinct when we are getting exposition about the fay and when we are getting exposition about Bennett ,the whole reading from the book doesn't actually fit because Bennett isn't actually reading it to anyone instead the narrator could say that Bennett is reading a book and then describe it's content.(Basically I am saying that POV does not work on characters with character development because the reader can not project himself onto that character.)
Yeah, I was trying to do some world building naturally by describing the content of the book as a narrator while Bennett is reading book. But I can see now that you point it out that at first the narrator refer to the book when describing the content, then no refer to the book and finally it seemed like it bennett is the one describing the content. I agree that I should make it more clear it was the narrator that describing the content, not Bennett. Thanks, appreciate the feedback.
Spoiler: Chapter 2: The Far Family Chapter 2: The Far Family “Kriiiik!” The alarm clock beside the bed suddenly burst with sound to indicate it was time to wake up. Bennett was still asleep even when the alarm clock was doing its best woke him up. Bennett was making a face of happiness with drools slipping out from the edge of his mouth. He seemed to have the time of his life in his dream. “Krek!” Suddenly, the door of his room opened up and there stood two figures that started to creep into his room. One of the figures was a young boy that had a height around 125cm with short black hair and round shaped face which had a hint of similarity with Bennett’s face except that the boy’s cheek still had some baby fat on it. The other figure was a young girl with long silky black hair which had quite a similar face and height with the boy next to her. They were Adam Far and Alisa Far, the younger brother and younger sister of Bennett. They were actually twins which explained the similar appearance and height. They tiptoed into the room until they reached the side of the bed. They both looked at each other, started to give a mischievous grin. “BEN, WAKE UP!!!” “BEN, WAKE UP!!!” They both shouted at Bennett’s face on the bed, and suddenly dived on top of him. Bennett, who was having a silly smile while sleeping just a while ago, abruptly opened his eyes with a shocked expression plastered on his face. While his heart was pumping hard and his muscles were tense, he looked around his room and found out his younger siblings were on top of him on the bed with a huge grin on their face. “Can’t you two wake me up normally” Bennett said while letting out a huge sigh. “Hahaha, nope.” Alisa said. “We love looking at your dumbfounded face when we wake you up, so nope.” Adam added. Bennett started to get a little bit angry and tried to sit up on his bed. “Come here, you two little imps!!!” Bennett shouted and tried to catch both of them but they were far too slippery for a person that had just woken up to catch. They jumped off the bed and went for the door. When they were at the door, the both looked back at Bennett on the bed and stuck out their tongue. “ Haha, too slow.” they both said while running out of Bennett’s room. Bennett looked at the door and let out a small sigh. He then stood his back up and went to sit at the edge of the bed. He went to stop the alarm clock and looked at the time. ‘It’s already 7am, I should start preparing for school’ Bennett thought to himself. He then started his morning routine to prepare himself for school time today. It only took him around 15 minutes to finish all his morning routine. Now, he was in his room, standing in front of the mirror that was on his closet door. He was donning a plain white shirt with a black trouser to match it. On his neck, he was loosely wearing a grey necktie with his school badge printed on it. The badge was designed as a circle with a ring around it. Inside the circle was a star with the dark background. This represented light coming out of darkness. Inside the ring around the circle wrote the name of the school “Unistar School” and the motto of the school “From Knowledge, Comes The Light”. Seeing that there was no problem with his outfit in front of the mirror, Bennett took the grey school jacket on the bed, slung it on his shoulder, took his school bag and went out of his room to have breakfast. Bennett’s home was a standard 3 bedrooms 2 bathrooms apartment. The main bedroom was occupied by his parents with one bathroom attached to it. The other two bedrooms were Bennett’s room and the twins room. Bennett came out of the small hallway to reach the kitchen. There he saw the dining table with egg and toast already prepared on it. On one side of the table, a middle aged man with black hair and no facial hair in sight was sitting on the chair reading the newspaper. On his left was a chubby middle aged woman with black shoulder length hair, looking at the newspaper that the man was holding. “ Good morning, mom, dad.” They were Bennett’s parents, Mr. Karl Far and Ms. Mary Far. Noticing the greeting from Bennett, Mary turned her head to look at her son and nudged her husband beside her. “Ah, good morning Ben. Honey stop reading the newspaper, Ben is here” “Okay, dear. And good morning to you too Ben.” greeted Karl while folding the newspaper and put it aside. Mary then stood up and shouted. “Adam, Alisa, come and have your breakfast! Your brother is here!” Rustling sound came from the living room and not long after that, Adam and Alisa came out from the living wearily looking at Bennett. Bennett chuckled when looking at the guarded expression of his two younger siblings. “Come let’s eat, I won’t do anything to you two.” Their faces started to relax and they straight away went to sit on the chair at the opposite side of their parents. Looking at the antics of his siblings, he just let out a small sigh and went to sit with them. Bennett was quite hungry, so he ate all the food on his plate and even asked for extra. The family was having a good time together eating breakfast. “Today should be your last paper in the exam right?” “Yeah dad, after that I will have my operation.” “Owh, I forgot you will have your operation today. I hope everything will be fine in your operation. I still remember my operation, it is actually the first time I saw your mother. She was from another school, so I had never seen her before. It was love at first sight, I still remember my heart beating…” “Honey don’t talk about embarrassing things in front of our children.” interrupted Mary while her face already had a hint of redness from blushing. “Come on, dear. I know you love it when I talk about this. Hehe.” The conversation then turned into a lovey-dovey session between the two of them which was actually a common occurrence in the household. Bennett and his siblings could only sigh and shake their heads. After finishing his breakfast, Bennett wore his school jacket which also had the school badge on the front pocket, took his bag and went for the door to get to his school. “Mom, dad, I’m going now. By the way dad, I think you should head out now. Last night you said you have an important meeting this morning” Karl, who was busy teasing his wife, stopped, and then looked at the time on his wristwatch. “Damn, it’s already 7.40am.” Karl was a journalist for The Cahya Times, a respectable newspaper that had a high reputation in Cahya city. He was actually showing the article he wrote in the newspaper to Mary before Bennett came to the dining table. “Honey, you only have 5 minutes till the train leaves. You should go now.” “Okay, dear. See you later. Love you.” Karl then kissed his wife’s cheek, stood up while not forgetting to take his newspaper at the side and straight away went to the door passing Bannett that was standing by the door. Outside of the door, Karl reached the apartment hallway and he suddenly stopped. His face was full of concentration. A moment later, a green aura emerged from his body. The green aura then wrapped around Karl’s body and started pulsing with light. Karl opened his eyes and a burst of speed came from his body. He then started to sprint along the hallway with the speed that exceeded what normal humans were capable of. Bennett, who was still standing inside his home at the entrance, saw his father suddenly vanish in front of him. He walked outside and looked along the hallway to see his father sprinting with extreme speed. At the end of the hallway, there was an open corridor. He saw his father sprinting to the open corridor and then jumped out of the corridor. From his view, Bennett didn’t manage to see the result of his dad jumping from the 12th floor. “He’s using the spell of swiftness and the spell of falling feather again.” His mother had sneaked behind him when commenting on his father. Bennett looked back and saw that his siblings were also behind him looking at their father’s action. “Mom, can I do that too when I grow up?” said Alisa “I want to do it too mom.” added Adam “Of course you two can do it too when you grow up, but first you need to prepare for your first year of school next year.” Mary said gently to her twins. Adam and Alisa were still 6 years old, so they would start to go to school next year. Mary then looked at Bennett's eyes and traces of excitement could be seen. “You look excited Ben.” “Of course, I can’t wait to cast spells like you and dad.” Mary let out a chuckle when hearing his son’s excited reply. Bennett started to get embarrassed when seeing her mom chuckled. “Bennett, me and your dad expect great things from you. We are sure you will surpass us and achieve what we fail. So, when you receive your operation, whatever result you get, be strong and confident. It is not talent that reflects the path of magus, it is knowledge. Like the motto of your school, from knowledge, comes the light.” Bennett looked at his mother with determination in his eyes. “Thanks mom, whatever result I get from the operation, it won’t affect me.” he said with conviction. “Mom, I think I should be going now, see you later. Adam, Alisa see you later.” “See you later, Ben.” replied his mother and his two siblings.