My novel would like some feedback

Discussion in 'Author Discussions' started by Daresan, Aug 1, 2020 at 2:29 PM.

  1. Daresan

    Daresan Active Member

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  2. Digix

    Digix Owl-sama Follower

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    oof are you seeking money....

    Like it looks like you just cut your prologue from different novels and were like this looks good I'll straighten the text and have some of the most generic opener in the world this is sure to grab someone!

    I mean your first two chapters are literally the most ordinary and boring sections from xianxia or wuxia. maybe try writing something original instead of so blatantly copying from others copying isn't bad but when it straight up looks like sections have been pasted together from elsewhere. oof no wonder your on webnovel seeking that easy money... @Daresan
     
  3. Echopelt

    Echopelt Member

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    from what ive read so far, most of your grammar mistakes can be fixed if you just put the text into grammarly or another grammar checker.
    some things to keep in mind as you type:
    anything after a comma should be "[space] uncapitalized word" unless its a proper noun (ie. Han Xin)
    anything after a period that ends a sentence should be "[space] capitalized word"
    in your summary, the "Xin" in Han Xin isnt capitalized at all
    theres also other grammar stuff like using "a" and "the" but you can just put it into a grammar checker (i mean theyre there for a reason right)
     
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  4. Daresan

    Daresan Active Member

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    Stop bashing me man its just the trend and what people love. I am not trying to make money believe me its just hobby. I dont even think my novel can be that good. This is my first time trying.

    Thank you for reading though.
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2020 at 3:30 PM
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  5. ZeeNatsu

    ZeeNatsu Active Member

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    Yep novel still has potential and following trend is good for the first book you'll have a lot of reference.
    And since it's trending it'll do good
     
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  6. Darius Drake

    Darius Drake A poster of verbose posts

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    @Daresan : To begin with, the introductory blurb was so horrific in it's grammar and content that it actually made me disgusted. The first line was... relatively acceptable, but then it started mentioning things without any context, while the grammar kept degrading. The last line of it just didn't make sense to me, which is a problem because, which is annoying, as it seems like what was supposed to be the only line that actually explained the story's central plot, instead of the story's background.

    All this is said before reading the actual text, so bear with me, as things I might consider irrelevant might actually be important. But probably not important enough for the introductory blurb.

    To explain my disgust, the Tagline is fine, I don't consider it to be part of the introductory blurb, though you may want to change "the balance" to "its balance", but I'm not certain which is better English, and it's understandable. The first line mentions someone called Han Xin, his origin, and then that he HAD reached the apex, so we're talking about someone in the past. So his origin is unimportant to us being introduced to him, and thus you have unimportant information in the blurb. "Great" start, #sarcasm.

    You follow this by saying that the Havens have no mercy for those who threaten the balance of the universe, and lead to a showdown between it and Han Xin. Where the H*LL did this come from? The introduction so far has only barely introduced us to this historical figure, and his method of cultivation, how did he threaten the balance of the universe? All we know about this guy is that he cut off his emotions to cultivate, and that he was born poor, NEITHER of which seems to be things that should threaten the foundations of the universe, and thus not something The Heavens of Cultivation Stories should care about, let alone be threatened by. So we have no idea why The Heavens and this guy were fighting, despite him seemingly being some massively important figure to the story, even if only historically, as his backstory's important enough to take up most of the introductory blurb.

    Historically Important Individual tried to Seal The Heavens in a climatic showdown, failed with the white sealing bead being destroyed, and instead both the Historically Important Individual of Han Xin's Body, and the universe he was fighting The Heavens in, were destroyed. Fine, but the way you worded this makes this fact almost as opaque as you could. Sure, you could have made it less clear, but that would be challenge I would prefer to avoid. Give more details here, and word them better so that it can be clear what you're talking about.

    The last line of the blurb was the worst. "This is the journey of eternal soul collecting the white pearl's fragments and travelling through different multiverses." Where did multiverses come in, the White Pearl Sealing Bead shattered and the universe it was in was destroyed, but you said nothing about multiverses before now. And why are the pearl's shards being collected, is Han Xin trying to restore his universe, wage war against the Heaven's again, or is he just bored and wanted an excuse to travel the multiverse, deciding that cleaning up after himself was a good excuse? How did The Heavens come out of the fight, was it destroyed with the Universe, injured, or is it forcing Han Xin to do this clean up duty? Everything before this line was backstory, and this line's seems like it's SUPPOSED to to tell us what this story is about. Sure, it tells us the WHAT, but we, as readers, are likely to be more interested in the WHY. Why should we read this, why would we consider the driving force important, why are the things in this story are happening?

    The first couple of chapters... are too insignificant to tell me anything of value. The "first" chapter is a prologue that actually gives the details the introductory blurb is missing, while the second chapter is an introductory chapter to the story itself. The only thing I can mention is that you chose to use the letter "u' instead of the word "you" at least once, which implies that the story will end up with it's grammar going the way of the introductory blurb when you get bored. That is to say, very badly. With the ending of the second chapter, I suspect that you were intending on ending it on a cliffhanger, as we have no idea if the person speaking the final line was the corpse, another person, or some sort of ethereal being the character introduced in the chapter managed to perceive due to being scared witless. Depending on what you were going for, this approach can be understandable, but either isn't what I suspect would be best suited so early on, or is 100% necessary for the story you are intending to write.
     
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  7. Daresan

    Daresan Active Member

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    Thank you very much for reading it. I didnt write the synopsis well it was just mumbo jumbo i wrote in hurry. There are many unanswered questions i left intentionally for little bit of mystery. I will try to correct everything to the best of my abilities. Thank you so much for your valuable time.

    The reason for him being threatening is because he is an eternal soul that cannot be killed not even by the heavens itself. He could do whatever he wanted even choas lord Tian couldnt stop him So Tian tries everything in its power to kill him which doesnt end well for the universe as well. It costed tian much more than his arm and leg.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2020 at 8:59 AM
  8. Darius Drake

    Darius Drake A poster of verbose posts

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    It doesn't matter if you explain that here, that's irrelevant. Explain what's important in the blurb. In this case, it seems as if you should explain that the MC reaching "Immortal Soul" status was, in and of itself, a threat to "The Heavens". Actually, no, not The Havens, but The Universe's Creator God. The concept of The Heavens in cultivation novels is an ethereal mind that basically both runs and rules over the rules of existence. In this case, it would be the creation of "The Creator" that you mentioned, that directly manages how the universe operates, and couldn't stop Han Xin from reaching the level of The Creator as it was too weak to do so, as Han Xin reaching Immortal Soul Status was an act of surpassing The Heaven's limits and reaching those of The Creator's. And, though that, directly threatening The Creator and his Creations, such as The Heavens.

    Those are details that you should explain in the blurb. You should NOT use that wording, but many of those details I just gave are important enough that they need to be a part of the blurb. Far more important than the fact that Han Xin had been born from an insignificant family.
     
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  9. Daresan

    Daresan Active Member

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    Thank you it was helpful. I am very happy that you actually read my novel. This one is my first novel i will try my best.

    The title itself is given as a hint that there will be at least 2 protags in the story. Unlike other people you read it thoroughly and pointed out my mistakes. Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2020 at 9:22 AM