Question Need opinion on writing.

Discussion in 'Novel General' started by kgggdkp2012, Mar 26, 2020.

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  1. kgggdkp2012

    kgggdkp2012 Void ReapeR(8th grade syndrome patient)

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    Hey, I was wondering if this writing style ok?

    "Leon come quickly, today is the royal ball" Roger anxiously waiting for his son.
    Sound of running could be heard from manor to the carriage.
    Leon got on the carriage while his father was looking at his son.
    "Dad How do I look?" Leon asked while his dad finished taking a look.
    roger laughed and said, "you look....ok I guess".
     
  2. Kalto

    Kalto [Somewhat meticulous]

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    I don't see why not :blobunsure:?
     
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  3. GreyPancake

    GreyPancake Well-Known Member

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    Always felt the whole " How he looked while talking" aspect made the line seem redundant.As well as the overly description of the actions the mc made or the situation he is in.Maybe its just me.
     
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  4. 0000000

    0000000 I B SMILING!

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    Commas? I felt that there are some commas missing between Leon, come quickly. Or exclamation marks? Leon! Come quickly! Just to show the seriousness?
     
  5. Westeller

    Westeller Moderator Staff Member

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    Style? Sure, it's fine. Grammar? No, it's awful. Let me try to fix it...

    "Leon come quickly, today is the royal ball," Roger called, anxiously waiting for his son.
    The sound of running could be heard from the manor to the carriage.
    Leon got on the carriage while his father was looking at his son.
    "Dad, how do I look?" Leon asked while his dad finished taking a look.
    Roger laughed and said, "You look... ok, I guess".

    A lot of this is instinctual for me, but let me see if I can find some friendly explanations for it...

    https://learn.lexiconic.net/dialoguepunctuation.htm
    Oh, this looks good. Easy to understand, I think? If not, try googling "punctuation in dialogue".
     
  6. chencking

    chencking [Daolord Grammar Nazi]

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    You quite literally have at least one error per line. Here is a quick edit to decrease the number of errors and (in my opinion) read better:

    Roger anxiously called for his son, "Leon, come quickly, we will be late to the royal ball!"
    He could hear the pounding of someone running up to the family carriage.
    Moments later, his son boarded the carriage.
    "Dad. How do I look?"
    Roger laughed, "You look....okay, I guess".

    And it never hurts to add more detail...as long as it's not redundant.
     
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  7. InvincibleDespair

    InvincibleDespair Well-Known Member

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    Get yourself an editor or be the editor.
     
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  8. eray.gns

    eray.gns Well-Known Member

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    Roger anxiously called for his son, "Leon, come quickly, we will be late to the royal ball!" as he could hear the hasty foot steps of someone running from the manor. Moments later, his son boarded the carriage under his father's attentive gaze and asked "Dad, how do I look?", and Roger laughed as he said "You look... okay, I guess."

    I would prefer something like this. I hate it when people write/translate a novel with one sentence per line. You are not doing a shopping list ffs.
     
  9. JazraelHarken

    JazraelHarken Well-Known Member

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    This reads like most of the korean novels on this site: full of redundant information, consecutive one sentence lines, and using the same word multiple times in close proximity. It reads more like a narrated summary rather than a flowing story.
    I personally don't like reading this style of writing but looking at the popularity of some korean novels (Trash Count Family, mc hides his strength) most readers will tolerate/won't care about it as long as they like the story.

    chencking's version is a lot better but maybe that's just me.
     
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  10. kgggdkp2012

    kgggdkp2012 Void ReapeR(8th grade syndrome patient)

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    Never thought of this thank you.
     
  11. kgggdkp2012

    kgggdkp2012 Void ReapeR(8th grade syndrome patient)

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    Thank you it was helpful.