Discussion Need some opinion about this 'On development' story: The Fall

I'm a person who wants to creates this story but lacking experience to make it entertaining and alive.

The 'Fall' was a story that revolves around, Lucifer who was not like what we knew of, wronged and murdered by some 'wannabe' puppet like heroes of the gods. And got reincarnated as a teenage child, named Therion.

When he was gathering information for the aftermath of his death. He was agonized by many things, such as:

1. The fact that his myth was so distorted that he was described as prince charming of heaven that gone too proud and wanted to overthrow the gods, fail and then get dumped into hell, where he retains his prince charming looks and creates and army of demons. Ironic since pretty much all angels were prince charming look, while he was rather down rate average and was rather their most valuable entertainment of abuse.

2. The 2nd generation of heroes were revered as savior of the world, while the truth was that they're more closer to assholes and scums who staged pretty much the whole thing that makes them heroes, they even intentionally allowed Lucifer to went on a rampage for him to annihilate dozens of kingdoms military forces for them to take control of the world and allow the churches for some voracious gods to take roots.

3. The great demons, even the queen of hell was forgotten along with several hundreds of legends that caused the society development became stagnant. Even the case of 'Overheal' was instead turned into a misunderstood believe of one's worthiness before the gods, which most of them were voracious bastards.

4. In this story, the Therion(Lucifer) will not be heroes, he'll become villain.

5. He's no interested in justice, virtue and morality. Most of his allies were either insane, sadist and merciless. Their main point was to show the gods, and fake wannabe heroes that it would be forever for them to be the true antagonists (though they have certain limitations... in order to prolong one's suffering for the rest of their lives.)

(A little revision)
The protagonist and his allies agree on one thing.
1. Those who use C-word towards women, especially a mother were the shittiest of trash.
2. People who crave for absolute destruction or world domination were lunatic confined in their fantasy.
3. There's no white knight in shining armor, most were pawns and even the sword saint were more of a over proud and egoistical brat that relies solely on the holy sword cheat of auto manuever.
4. This one was about general stuff, until a name of character is decided. I'll call them with code or nicknames such as 'Princess', 'The Queen', and 'Boogeyman'.

 

im not anything or a writer but as a reader Ik that antihero protagonist are the hardest to write and make it good especially if the reader are not able to get and relate to the mc which is supposed to be one of the key to a “successful” is the connection and empathy how relatable and understandable the character is to the readers. Another note I read from how story are “successful” or will be successful is player seeking umm miracles? Like just something that’s not entirely realistic yet give the reader a sense of accomplishment (ex: face-slapping villain are one of the most common “sense of accomplishment and relief” and the readers will be able to feel joy of the face-slap if you know what I mean)

anyways above is basically what I read from a webnovel that’s dedicated to writing novel for novice or smth and I read that on webnovel lolll but I find those points makes a lot of sense too

For anti-hero like Light from death note it’s nice to see him slowly descending to madness as it lead him into becoming more egotistical and narcissistic. Like we at least know the “reason” behind why he became like that, not neglecting the fact that he may originally secretly been a psycho.

So for Lucifer Ig I kinda want to know how he’ll developed into a “villain” after his reincarnation. What is the definition of villain in ur context?

 

Lucifer of this version was not a prince charming that were loved by heaven, he was instead the most 'imperfect' being. An angel with only one wing, and lack of divine power compared to the angels of lowest tier.

He often got beaten and have his feathers torn out, he lives in a cold library where he dust off the books which the goddess whom often to abuse him would often reads, sometimes she beats Lucifer because he dared to touch and read a book. This goddess was a narcisstic voracious w-word because she was the goddess of knowledge, all the knowledge in the world was hers only. However Lucifer was relentless to read it in secret, which infuriates and scared her since his knowledge gone beyond hers.

Eventually she decide to set her Library on fire hoping to get rid of him, which led to a staged trial where Lucifer was gagged and was disheveled. The knowledge goddess wants an execution, however she have to retains her image as a wise goddess. Though the judge intervene by only banishing him, unsatistified. She propose to use Lucifer's banishment as play.

By turning Lucifer into a monster, and getting rid of the 1st generation of heroes. She manipulated the 2nd generation to let all kingdoms armies to stops Monster ver Lucifer, to which they sabotaged in many ways.

This continues until the last kingdom where eventually Lucifer was able to became lucid, saving the last army survivor, and he killed three out of four, with one of them was the knowledge goddess chosen, but was killed by the last hero. He was then put to rest, but the heaven have yet to finish, as they used his name for a distorted myth of theirs in order for their church stands and take roots to fend off an unexists threat.

Lucifer in wherever an immortal goes after death was trapped in between, the guy was unable to rest and was all alone awaken in that place.

 

Chapter prologue (script):”

“D-Damn y—“

The man never gets to finish his word, as the sword fell through his skull. His body rolls lifelessly over the steep slope of the dunes. The swordsman soon turns to his companions.

“Can we get this over with old man?”

“Bah! Was he the last?”

The man could only sigh in expiration, as he sheathed his sword and gazed upon the desert field where thousands dead bodies soaked the sand red in blood, splinters of shattered and broken spears and shredded armors along with minced corpse was all there is there.

“Nah,” the man casually said “They’re all dead.”

The man’s group soon laughed wholeheartedly in joy.

‘Those fucking bastards!’ they were unaware that, beneath the corpses that lying all over was a survivor.

His black hair had been sticky from being forced to hide himself underneath the remains of his three comrades. They threw themselves on a line just to ensure one man’s survival, now he had to bear to remain quiet, as they speak, unaware that their voice echoed throughout the dunes.

“*sigh* can we just get on our way to Salem now?” said by a woman, “this place is more to roasting me than tanning me.”

“Yes, yes, my dearest sorceress, Cersei. We’ll leave at once when Erigor comes back.”

“And speaking of which, where’s that brat?”

Cersei been wondering about it, the rest of them belatedly realized of his absence, in their confusion, the man underneath corpses were unaware, “Found it.”

“…!”

The moment he heard his, an inconceivable pain soon was pinned on his right leg, he couldn’t help but to scream. He couldn’t feel it anymore the pain, along with his leg. The weight above him was soon relieved and his back once more was exposed to the searing heat.

“I found a rat here!”

It didn’t take a while for the rest of them to come their way down, and the survivor was soon surrounded by four people; A humongous old man in shining armor bearing a shield that emits divinity throughout the heat, A blond swordsman who smugly smiles at him, with his sword unsheathed but ready to cut. Next to them was a beauty with olive brown complexion in extravagant robe, one glance, the survivor knows that she’s a sorceress and judging through her prideful expression written over her face. She’s not someone worth to reason with, and last but not the least: a kid with brown hair who’s no older than a 14year old, yet the way he grins as nock another arrows was like a maniac who’s ready to slaughter everything on sight.

The survivor knows very well who they are, and he despised them even more for what they did.

“Eh, there’s a survivor here?”

“Does he know anything?”

The swordsman was arguing with the sorceress, their argument was cut short by the crusader. “Hey young man, I pity you for what happen here, do you remember anything at all?”

He remembers, all of it clear. But he won’t speak of it, the crusader soon reached the survivor’s ear, ‘I was knocked unconscious and it appears before my eyes, ready to kill. The heroes arrived and saved me from death. Repeat this story if you wish to live.’

There can’t be any witness to this event, but he doesn’t know it. The crusader was just playing around, just as he does with others. He however, was unaware. “Screw you, *spit*” the survivor have seen it all.

‘I-I surrender—‘

‘P-Please spare—Kuack!’

He recalls the time some of his comrades gives up and was coldly slain. The crusader looks at the survivor eyes, it was fierce but lifeless. He wiped his face off, as he turns and cued his colleague. The swordsman’s sword was now above the survivor’s head.

“Any last words?” the swordsman chuckled before the pathetic sight of the survivor who’s now about to die, instead of trembling in fear though.

“Lvilliam.”

“Eh?”

“Lvilliam, that’s my name for you all to remember.”

“Ha? What’s the use of remembering an insignificant person like you?”

The swordsman finds it laughable for them to remember him, a pawn whose now about to die before them, Lvilliam grins “Just know, for I’m one of many who’ll wait you all in Hell.”

The swordsman’s expression, now their expression soon distorted in rage to hear it. The crusader felt the same, yet somehow when he look at Lvilliam’s eyes, he could see something, but it was all too late.

All the sudden, sandstorm enveloped them for a minute; the heroes were covering their eyes tried to escape from the sands that swirls like a storm, leaving Lvilliam behind. Lvillaim could only cover his eyes; he only heard panic as the heroes were trying to escape from the storm. It was amidst of that he heard it.

“Go, leave.”

“…?”

The tone was familiar, rough and deranged. Lvilliam heard a horse shriek coming from behind. He opens his eyes, and saw a glimpse of his savior, “Y-You?!” Lvilliam was utterly horrified to see him again. Seems human, but not even close, with fur black and dark, wing dreadful and wretched looking that gives horror to eyes and might horrified children the moment they look at his long thin arm that ends with curved sharp claws.

When he first saw it, it was a massacre for the army to deal with him. Lvilliam thought that he was death, yet even death had more conscience to reap the living. It turns his head to Lvilliam, and he saw his menacing red eyes, “LEAVE NOW!”

“…!”

Its tone was horrifying enough, Lvilliam despite being limped, move towards the horse, he looked pathetic as he tried to get on the horse, the sandstorm disappears.

“There-- that shit of beast,” shout the swordsman, “What are you waiting for? kill him!”

 

Chapter 1 (revised):

Spoiler: Chapter 1:

'How long has it been?' the soul wondered, for all the time he spent there, nothing change as whenever he opens his eyes only darkness that stretch with no bound and ends greets him.

He cried often enough at first, long has it been since he came, for how long he doesn't know, and his loneliness eventually corrode his memory, causing him to forgot of who he once was. A question was all he had left 'What have I done?', the soul questioned it. He cried once again and his cry of resentment echoes through the dark. No one would bother to heed his meaningless cry, but one. A light dims from the dark heeded it, it dims before it became brighter, no. The light came closer to him, as it engulfs the soul a gentle voice speak "How long were you awake?".

The soul wonder for a moment and was unable to say how long it was, the voice pitied him. The light soon became brighter and brighter and the voice spoke "Let's reclaim what have you lost shall we?", as the star became a supernova... things were blinding, as the light ceased. The darkness was no more and a new view were unfold before him: A city up in the clouds, with buildings and towers made out of gold that gloriously boast its majesty upon the sky. It was amazing sight for eyes to see, yet for some reason. He feel hate, anger and resentment instead of joy and awe.

The voice feels the same as the soul, the view became a blur as it shift to another. He was now in a hall, and on its center was a man with a wing. He was concerned about the man, for the man's wing was almost bare feathered, wounded and seem to weep in tears from drops of blood, his body were covered in bruise and cuts, and all was shrouded with nothing more than ragged tunic. The soul felt the urge to helps him, as he got closer, he saw shackles upon the man's lag bounded to the cold as ice floor, he wanted to help him, yet it was useless.

"I know what you wish to do," the voice said "Yet we're nothing than visitors in this 'cruel play'."

It was then, coming out of nowhere. twelve figures emerges and were arguing of the man's fate, one demands for an execution, while the other wish for mercy, eventually the rest of the twelve joins in and this continue with rages on until a thunder stroke and a man speak. "Lucifer, for his sin, let he be banished, this decision was mine to made and will not be questioned!" it was perhaps the fairest judgment.

The door was flew open as angels, came and retrieve the man. As they gone through him, the soul saw the man's face, and was horrified to see his mouth sewn shut. A headache strike, and countless images of all the pain he have gone through, the abuse, and the torment. But most of all, was when he's on earth, slaughtering masses against his will, their frightful face as he brought an end to them, how much they cursed him for something he had no control of, and last was the slight of mercy given by a man he met in his moments before he dies.

The light came to the soul's side "Do you remember now?" the voice wish to know of the soul's name, he chuckles for a moment and he did, "Lucifer, that's who I was, aren't I?"
"The greatest sin of all."

.........................................................
​

Lucifer soon awakes in a room, there's many things around the bed where he sleep, most he does not know of what it was, however, a gentle breeze coming from the window caught his attention. From the bed, he saw the view of serene green plains outside, just how long has he been in that place, where darkness and loneliness were all he have. He took a deep breath, enjoying the fresh air he have long forgotten.

A creek coming from a door, and a woman along with a hunchbacked doctor appears. "Therion..." there's slight expression of longing over the woman's face, she soon lunge to embrace Lucifer with a hug, it was warmth yet at the same time...

"Urk!!"

Lucifer who had just been awoken inside a frail body of a boy felt like he was weighed by an elephant. Just as he woke up, he soon fell unconscious, and for the first time were able to rest...

 

The name of the system was Pandora, because Pandora was originated from Greek that means all-gifted, the special traits that were given by the system as well were not exactly op, and even if they're op there'll be a flaws and disadvantages in term of appliance and effect, that fits or the opposite of the individual who owns it.

This world have five races, one being unknown as in the 'Celestials' (gods).
Others were the Dragonkin that lives mostly in the volcanic regions or at least several parts of the continent.

The Elves that inhabits the woods and were mostly lives near the World Tree that grow in the southern region that were splendor with its verdant natures.

The Demonkin that lives in the underworld branch of Hell.

Humans that inhabits most regions of the continents.

The North region were the most unknown, with one certain fact. Uninhabitable, due to its harsh climate and numbers of monsters, powerful ones that lives there, hard to believe that there was a kingdom there, it was even thought to be a mere myth.

 

Early warning:

I'm not into harem, so does with the MC.

In case I've gone astray, please warn me. For I have sworn that if there's a harem, then there'll be a reverse harem.

I want to avoid it obviously.

 

You did the right thing @Aristes. Here you can get more mature advice from the authors than our high school group. Best of luck!

 

Thanks.

 

Hmm..
Cain - the first son of Adam and Eve, who murdered his brother. (Murderer)
Cifer - Nonentity
Crowe - crouch down in fear or shame
If he's going to be a frantic mass murderer, why don't we choose this?

 

Correction, he's a Villain.
Villains need not to mass murder to be feared, his true enemy were the false heroes and selfish gods, he'll just try to dig up and show their dirt to the world, destroying their image, wins.
Leviathan cult might gone with mass murder because like I said on earlier thread, they're bunch of apocalyptic doomsday madness believer who believes that true salvation lies in death, therefore their action of mass murderer were seen as act of salvation to others.

Most of its believers were just sad people with a bad days that were eventually grows suicidal tendencies, no offense.
Though Therion does going to be called Terrorists, most because misunderstanding, like the first it happens were when he accidentally caused a commotion through explosives on a banquet held by the earl. Haven't write this though.

 

Cain has another means as well, spear.
Cain as a boy's name (also used as girl's name Cain), is pronounced kayn. It is of Hebrew origin, and the meaning of Cain is "something produced; spear". Biblical: Cain, the firstborn son of Adam and Eve, killed his brother in jealous anger and spent the rest of his life as a wanderer in exile. ... Similar Names.
Though I planned to name Lucifer's other half, which by certain means. Therion's twin brother:
I was planning to name him Nietzsche Orveil, maybe 'Cain' could serve as middle name?
Nietzsche Cainus Orveil?

 

Yeah, it's better.
And Cifer also can describe as characters that have no inherent meaning, but instead have a hidden meaning. A cipher can also be a person, often a fictional character, who is a blank slate.

 

Anyway, about the world.
There's five religion, threenof them were major good (one was secretly evil), one was absolute evil, while the last wasn't quite famous.

1. Erielle church, the church that became the main religion to most kingdom in the continent. The church worships Erielle the blindfolded goddess of wisdom and protection, the priest gains the divine blessing to lend heal to others while her paladins in shining armor shall protect and grant judgment upon the wicked.

2. Fiora sect, a sains sect of researcher and botanists that worships Fiora the goddess of seasons, Fiora's sect were often spotted on agricultural villages, however as of food crisis that were caused by 'withering spring' happens, her sect lost so many people, the name eventually were reduced as nothing but a small shabby shack in a remote village where they tried to train researcher as much as they could to pass on the knowledge they had in the past before all is lost.

3. Leviathan cult, a twisted religion cult that were followed by the desperate and the hopeless soul in the world, they worships Leviathan, the god of the end. They believe that truest salvation lies in death, therefore most of their religion activity mostly involved mass sacrificial, demonic summons, and brainwashing recruiter with their twisted teachings. The followers were of the dark occultist who sold their soul to Leviathan, and they were protected by the dark knights that have given their body for Leviathan to commands.

4. (Revision)
Valkyr's flame, far in the north beyond the land of the gods, lies an unyielding flames by the frozen fortress city of the northern people, Helsengard, as it radiates warmth that defy the cold of the region, the north worships it as a god, the north know nothing of the gods beyond their home, as the gods did nothing as much as they pray and hope as they try to survive. The land of the north, where the gods hold no power, this flame was the hope of the north, and the north itself was its guardian...

 

I'm going to talk about the north:

The North was basically once a barren waste of the coldest region in the continent. The natives were at first the most unfortunate souls to be given birth there, survival was the most challenging when you couldn't grow food and most of the animals there have the ability to slaughter you in seconds. A reason why these people decide to learn and study to become a huntsmen, they devised traps and studied their prey and predators behavior, but this alone was not enough to prevent the northern natives from extinction, but one day, according to a history recorded a 1000 years ago, a man came and taught them strategy and environmental advantages.

The north was then united by this man, and they crowned him the king. The man's name was Lvilliam Ardent, his descendants carried out his wisdom and further developed the north to a fortress city as it is now. In the reign of Aeon Ardent, an ever burning blaze appears by the 'Wicked Mountains', where the shadows lurk and evil lies aslumber.

Aeon, along with several warriors of the north went there to investigate and discover an ever burning cinders that was eventually became the flame that the North worshiped as their god, along with a horrifying discovery that were left unknown to history.

Redacted part by the history of the north:

"Menacing it was, grim and dark, it would be a lie to say that we did not fear it. With two pillars it stands, radiating grim and melancholic auras over the place. a tightly closed door made out of rocks harder and colder than the ice by from the deepest valley of North, there was an eerie voice that lured us, and beg us 'Unleash me.' the voice said. I was about to touch that door, but I knew that it's better to leave, we ran away as far as we could before we unleash something that might never be able to undone. Whoever you are, my successor, let it be my son, or his descendants.

NEVER BE TEMPTED BY IT'S CALL! I, Aeon Ardent, as the king of the north named the site 'Hellegat' as the journey to go inside was easy, yet to get back. Was something you won't forget, never be tempted by the calls from the wicked behind that gate."

 

'Hellegat' was one of many reason why the north must remains free and unconquered at all cost. There have been history between the northern civilization and the other kingdoms in their exchange that were more into executions and trial by combat:

-Emissaries of the Erielle's church dared to throw water upon the flame in the name of correcting heresy, the emissaries were hung, and the remnants were warned to not preach of Erielle's wisdom by the north or be killed on sight.

-Once an earl of a kingdom by the east region came for a diplomatic visits with his son, however his son dared to disparage duchess Artemisia Faux's daughter, calling her a barbaric and sadist w-word and even said that no men will marry her and she'll die all alone for her traits.

A funny way to say 'I hates women like the likes of you and hope you live with regret for rejecting my desire of you'.

The earl along with his son was then found dead by the following weeks after their departure back to their kingdom, slaughtered by herds of unknown beast, they die horribly in their carriage.

-Sir Eldeghast of the Rayn kingdom in the south once demands to challenged the strongest men of the north, he laugh as he was confronted by a boy of twelve in leather cloak. However his laugh was soon muffled in awe, as the boy defeated him 100-0. The boy was none other than the duchess son, and the twin brother of the northern 'princess', Azel Faux, the so called 'Fiend' of the north.

 

Chapter 2 (revised):

Spoiler: Chapter 2 (revised):

Lucifer(Therion) woke up and was surrounded by unfamiliar faces, among them was the woman who almost crushed him to death and a hunchbacked doctor that gave him 1st care. The woman was quite saddened by her mistake of hugging her son that he passes out. Lucifer deduce 'Therion' as the woman's son.

He asked of the years and was shocked (much to everyone's panic) to learns that it has been 1000 years since he died, many have changed but most were the same. The doctor, Igor Strauss said that it's been three years since he sleeps like 'the sleeping beauty'. The woman then introduced herself as Therion's mother, Miranda. She expressed much of her sadness when she came to hospital to be with her son for one last time before he was to be euthanized, how agonizing it was when she's on a way here after lying to her other children that were waiting for their brother to opened his eyes. The woman soon burst with tears, as she holds Lucifer's hand.

....

Before Miranda left as she was done with her visit, she gave Lucifer, Therion's favorite book 'Fall of the Morningstar.' she explains that it's also the book that is a must for children these days.

This book tells the story of how what the world believes as 'Lucifer' became a demon king??

As Lucifer was determined to read the book, it was more of a well wrapped shit to Lucifer as he was immersed in reading it, the 'Lucifer' in the story was depicted as some sort of a perfect prince charming who was arrogant that he revolt against the Heaven, got his ass kicked, and before his fall, he declare that 'If I could not reach Heaven, I will raise Hell!' to which he did, after he fell into the 'farthest reaches of Inferno' where the guy gone dark and was transformed into a 'hot prince bad boy' (Honest comment writing the last part: Yuck!)

Who creates his own kingdom in Inferno, the Pandemonium, where demons lives and he opens a rift to earth which the demons use to invade, back then the heroes (yeah those jerks) fought to the last and passed on their relics to the future generations to continue their fights along with the churches against the forces of evil. Lucifer close the book, his eyes were all red and sore, not knowing this, Lucifer looks by the cover as he bet that the author was 'Solcyra', the sun god. The back of the book always have the author's signature, from way--- back to the 1st edition, the sun god always made a signature related to him, and Lucifer discover an invisible acrylic sun brand was on book's back.

He was about to rip the book apart when suddenly a boy of twelve came in and let out a frightful scream, and was followed by Miranda and a young woman as they came in. After some rest, Lucifer learnt that now that he's not an angel, fatigue as much as no one felt it, the body physique takes the toll. Miranda soon introduced the young woman and the boy as Therion's step siblings; Alyne and Zach (Therion was the adopted one), the siblings expressed of how much they were worried and missed him for over three years since he fell to coma.

They chat for a while but then his younger brother noticed something's strange and launched a knife to Lucifer, asking why the area near his eyes were bandaged, Lucifer(Therion) was unaware of it until he ask for a mirror to his mother, something she was reluctant to do, but eventually lend him, and indeed there was bandage on the area around his eyes.

Therion(Lucifer) asks why it was bandaged and the mother retold the horror she was forced to swallow three years ago...

 

Anyway, most of arcs on going against the gods will revolve around this four.

1. Continent wide famine crisis caused by 'withering spring', a phenomenon where as winter ends, and spring comes, nothing grows until it summer replaces it. This lead to a skyrocketing market price for food and clothing materials, Fiora sect have no answer regarding of this phenomenon, causing their integrity as Fiora's followers doubted and led to their disminish in numbers. The whole kingdom soon laid their eyes upon the land of the elves that were verdant and fruitiously splendor with fertile lands.

2. Case of sudden blooming influence of Erielle church, as much as wise goddess Erielle had gain the favors of humanity, its spreading influence was too fast and too sudden. They soon laid their eyes upon the north, the uncharted territory of the barren winter, and a land far beyond their gods.

3. Leviathan cult attacks upon kingdom's forces were becoming more and more dire as months passed. The heroes, despite their relentless efforts and preaching of virtues, have yet to grow fruit. But what if, the so called 'Heroes' were somewhat connected to Leviathan attacks? Will there be any forces strong enough to stand against their might?

4. ???

before we go further:
1-10 please and adds some advise for an improvements!

 

A little more information about the world that I forgot. The cultures of the kingdoms in this world were similar to our civilizations, with the exception of the eastern like Asia and it surrounding for the east continents.

Most kingdoms in the west continent were all Middle-age monarchy and aristocratic-ism themed society, though the North were rather different as they were Victorian eras kind of society combined with the savagery of Nordic vikings.

 

Dude, there's a reason why modern people don't write in italics and bold for the majority of their text. It hurts the eyes and makes it hard to read. You use italics very sparingly and usually only for stuff you want to emphasize or draw attention to. If you italicize everything you write, it hurts the brain of people who read it and makes it easier to miss stuff.