Novel Off Script (BL) & A Failed Relationship (BL)

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by ehkilis, Mar 19, 2018.

  1. ehkilis

    ehkilis Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2017
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    213
    Reading List:
    Link
    I wrote something, here's chapter 1 from my wordpress account. Someone with the username VyLing said to post on NUF, so here I am. I think I'm in the right section. I'm probably going to still continue on the wordpress site though because I can fix my mistakes on the go with the mobile app :') But time to expose my horrible writing.

    It's called Off Script. BL with world-hopping and system binded MC. Here's chapter 1, the rest is on my wordpress.

    Liu Jian understood at an early age that his birth was a hindrance, a simple inconvenience to both of his parents and his elder brother. He was a child born from one of his father's illicit affairs. No matter how hard he tried to get their attention, for any ounce of love or a simple pat on the back for doing his best, Liu Jian was quietly ignored. Snubbed, even. He may have never been physically abused, but the psychological trauma weighted heavily on his shoulders. It's as if a stone sat atop of him, crushing his metaphorical hope and desire to just be seen as family by them. He still tried, though.

    But even in death, he was disregarded and was met with thinly veiled disdain as his own father just stood at the back of the small crowd gathered to watch his coffin drop down to the ground, smoking a cigarette and looking at his watch, like him dying wasn't even worth his time. His heart grew cold as one by one, everyone left, not even glancing back. As time passed, the pressure on his chest broke and the dam that kept his emotions at bay for years opened. Tears fell down his face, transparent and ghostly as himself, mourning at the thought of why his life was so pitiful and small. The boy sat by his headstone, fingers gently tracing the carvings on it.

    Xiao Jian
    Beloved child who was taken too soon​

    The sound of crazed, sad laughter echoed the cemetery, but the pitter patter of rain muffled him as he knelt to the ground furiously beating on the carvings that mocked him.

    They didn't even want to place their surname on the tombstone.

    From birth till death, he was unwanted and alone.

    Always alone.

    -

    He didn't know how much time had passed, only the shifting of day and night told him the rough estimate of the date. It's been weeks since his funeral, weeks since anyone visited his decrypted resting place and weeks since he closed himself off. Liu Jian just sat there, staring at empty space and wishing that he could just peacefully leave the world.

    As the weeks turned into months, months into years, a legend emerged from the graveyard. If one were to go to the top of the hill at night, when the moon was full and the only light in sight was the twinkling of starlight around, a child on the cusp of manhood would appear by the lonely gravestone on the top slope, tucked away to the corner of the cemetery. His beauty captured even the most icy hearts with soft, entrancing eyes and dark, lush hair that swayed in the wind, an existence brighter than twilight. But an air of melancholy surrounded him, like a yearning of lost love and eternal peace that slipped from his fingers.

    The monument erected only had a simple name, a pet name. Xiao Jian.

    -

    A man came by his grave. He was as handsome and as sad-looking as he was.

    He stood by the grave, adam's apple bobbing as he took a breath,"My name is unimportant to you, but I am your nephew. I doubt that there is anyone here, but father insisted I come and pay respect. He... apologizes."

    "You see, father..." he started, not knowing a ghostly apparition hid by the treelines, watching him.

    He paused before crouching down to meet eye level with the headstone, "He called himself a coward in his final moments. For what reason, I don't know. What him and my grandparents have done, I'd assume from the journals he wrote, was negligence. I have no right to ask this, but please find it in your heart to forgive them."

    The man quietly whispered into the air, rubbing away some of the dirt and grime that was stuck on the stone, "Did you know, I grew up with stories of you. From all three of them. They loved you, but they didn't know how to cherish a person such as you. They all felt guilty. Grandfather Liu couldn't cry in your funeral, he thought he had no right to. Grandmother Wang was jealous but learned to care for you, calling you a sweet child and hated how you died thinking you were unwanted. As for father..."

    His eyes and his smile grew more gloomy as he said the next words, "He loved you, truly."

    As he laughed at the irony, he traced the name engraving and sighed, "They called you Xiao Jian, as if you were a treasured child they held dearly. I'm sorry I'm decades late uncle. Find it in you to forgive me as well."

    He left as swiftly as he came, as if he was the ghost himself.

    After that night, the legend of the boy on top of the hill dwindled down and vanished.

    There were no more sightings of him.

    --

    Letting go wasn't as hard as he thought it was. For the first time in years, he felt at peace.

    As he faded into darkness, under the cover of thick trees and the moonlight, becoming more transparent as he relaxed his body, he had some fleeting memories. Ones he tried to forget desperately. His father's misty eyes as he turned from the casket, bustling down to his car and his stepmother weeping into his brother's shoulder, whose face was in a pained grimace as he clung to his mother's hands, a complex emotion running across his face as he glided the both of them away from the mass of people.

    Liu Jian finally was put to rest.​

    Also I got another story called A Failed Relationship. BL still, but just modern day and angst. No world hopping or systems. I'm trying to expand my smut writing skills so, in the future, there's gunna be some hard smut in this [well a try at hard smut]. Was going to put it on my wattpad but I didn't like the layout much and felt embarrassed when I realized there were people under 13 that could potentially read my bad porn.:sushi_peak: Plus, I can't edit on the go there and I'm not really used to using NUF as a writing platform. :sushi_hide:


    Maybe it was simple wishful thinking on his part. To try and be with him still; to act like there was still affections to be shared and feelings to have in his heart. He would ignore the cold shoulders he was given and the emotionless eyes that stared back at him when they had the chance to talk.

    Deep in his heart, Bai Yun knew that there wasn’t anymore love between them.

    He wasn’t blind. He was just stupidly in love with a man that tossed him away.

    The door slowly opened, unbeknownst to the two men on the mattress, the sound hidden by the loud creaking of the bed. He clutched his heart; the fiery torch for his lover in his chest extinguished when he was greeted with the sight of his fiancé, Yang Hui, fucking another man.

    Bile built up in his throat; a small bit of envy and pity rushing at his body. Envy for the man being loved so greatly in his own house, on his own bed, and pity for himself for not seeing the signs of Yang Hui’s cheating.

    Bai Yun threw away what was left of the scattered feelings he had, a cold, expressionless look taking over his face to mask his hurt and disgust.

    He shoved the door open with a bang, startling the two playing. Yang Hui’s dilated pupils shrunk and his body grew cold. The man, an unnamed pretty youth, shivered at the domineering presence Bai Yun gave out, arms crossed in a lax manner as he leaned on the door frame.

    His stare was penetrating, harsh and oppressive on the amorous scene he was shown, but Yang Hui couldn’t make out what he was thinking. His eyes were passionless, as if Bai Yun was wasting his time being here. He swallowed, unsure of what to make of the situation he was shoved in by his own carnal pleasures. Bai Yun, on the other hand, discarded his useless thoughts of taking him back if Yang Hui apologized, knowing that sometimes one mistake is enough to break an already fragile relationship like they had. He had taken out his phone, but not to record or take any pictures. Bai Yun wasn’t a vengeful man. He casually messaged his brother if he could spare a room for the night. With a deadpan look, he faced his cheating fiancé, hoping that he could add an ex to the front of that word.

    He humored him, a smile gracing his soft lips as he jested, “So, are you going to leave this house or am I?”

    Without even waiting for an answer, he laughed lightly, like the scene he saw didn’t break his heart into two, “Nevermind that. I’ll leave. Sell this house if you want. There’s too many memories of you here. Have you christened every surface with that cute thing on the bed?”

    Bai Yun then told him plainly as he lazily called out to the frozen man, “I’ll take my things the next morning. Don’t worry, our relationship is null and void.”

    Within a week, his things were gone and his engagement broken.

    Maybe they were just too young, too hardy and foolish to ask each other for marriage. Or maybe they just weren’t meant to be. Whatever the case was, Bai Yun wasn’t going to dawdle and dwell about a speed bump like this. He was better than that.

    Days came and gone by; a certain man kept on trying to enter his family’s property. Bai Yun just waved his brother’s concerns away, saying he’ll stay in a hotel further from the main house. He didn’t want his family to deal with his problems.

    Weeks passed and calls from a deleted number kept coming through his phone. He picked up a new one and only gave his number to trusted people. Another one, a simple and sleek device, was for work and business.

    Months passed and the ache in his heart lightened. Now, when he heard news of his now ex-fiancé, Bai Yun didn’t have the urge to cry. He just smiled at the gossiping workers that faltered when they saw him in ear’s distance from them.

    Years passed. Lives changed.

    But his feelings, no matter how buried and hidden they were, still played with his heart. A large wound that he dubbed Hui Hui still festered from time to time.

    When he was drunk and alone, with no eyes or ears to see him break, Bai Yun would touch his chest and lament on his failing lovelife. He would think of Yang Hui’s face, still so handsome and more refined. His explosive body, his smile, their relationship. The small, budding beginning. Feelings of contentedness and warmth, and the end...

    It’s been three years since he last saw him.

    In the morning, he would dismiss the redness in his eyes for just stress.

    Then that very same day, the man he was thinking about turned up in his office, unannounced, with a bouquet of flowers in his hands.​
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2018
  2. Lucia

    Lucia Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2016
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    2
    Reading List:
    Link
    I already read both of them. . It's really good! Can't wait for next! Especially AFR...
     
    ehkilis likes this.
  3. BlueKey

    BlueKey Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2018
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2
    Reading List:
    Link
    This is so cool I saw Off Script in latest topics and I was surprised it’s the same one I follow on Wattpad and I’m big fan of your story so here it goes ehkilis I love your story!!! I read every chapter and always check for updates I love Off Script very much!!!!
     
    Ashley123 and ehkilis like this.
  4. ehkilis

    ehkilis Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2017
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    213
    Reading List:
    Link
  5. Mimosa1

    Mimosa1 Lee Jae Wook

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2017
    Messages:
    114
    Likes Received:
    143
    Reading List:
    Link
    A failed relationship is interesting! Keep up the good work! But hmm, Off Script is kinda fast-pace and rush (the redundancy lmao). Some parts are also inconsistent i.e the part where he'll get admitted to the school and a paragraph read that he'll only wear female uniform for a week or was it 5 days? then it suddenly turned into a year once he asked his father yada yada.

    All in all, your works are good. Will be looking forward to AFR! Good Luck!
     
    ehkilis likes this.
  6. ehkilis

    ehkilis Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2017
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    213
    Reading List:
    Link
    @Mimosa1 Uh, I had to read back on what part that was lmao but in my old hs, you choose classes and counselors usually prioritize fixing schedules that are missing core classes or if their are repeating subjects within the first week.

    Since there wasn't really anything wrong other than the uniform mishap, it's not prohibiting him from learning anything, he'd have to wait at least a week to see someone about fixing it. His father called to see if there was anything they could do currently, like what most concerned n doting parenrs would do, but for some schools, there's a limited quota of x amount of girls or boys that could enter said institution, usually in private/charter schools.

    Kinda based it off of the schools I went to, and what I know bout them but yeah. Assumed people had the same/similar experience school wise or had the experience of counselors/bosses that didn't meet with them to fix something lol and it felt like unnecesary filler writing:blobsweat:

    Story emulates most quick transmigration novels that don't go deeply into plot and just rushes through the worlds, hence the mtl "fast wear" lmao and I sorta get needlessly attached to my own side characters so this time I won't spend time thinking about the side character that could've been the ML or something /cough:blobpats:

    And A Failed Relationship is kinda in the backburner for me atm so I'd release once a week or this weekend tbh

    But thank you for reading!
     
    Mimosa1 and Haruka1409 like this.
  7. Mimosa1

    Mimosa1 Lee Jae Wook

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2017
    Messages:
    114
    Likes Received:
    143
    Reading List:
    Link
    I'm a sucker for angst so I'll surely look forward to the update
     
    ehkilis likes this.
  8. ehkilis

    ehkilis Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2017
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    213
    Reading List:
    Link
    I got overeager and wrote some of the smut part but not how it happened or what led up to it but

    “I never knew a man could be as erotic as you.” His mouth was suddenly nibbled, his bottom half of his body abandoned in favor of his face and chest, nipples being pinched roughly, turning red to match the color of his face and blushing skin, “You nearly made me fuck you in the elevator. There are cameras inside, you know? What a dirty thing you are. Do you only think with this little cock of yours?”

    He spoke as if he was talking about weather. The man teased his length, circling it with a soft grip and tugging at it in a jerking motion. A mouth latched on to his neck, leaving a trail of dark hickeys. He grabbed Bai Yun’s ass, spreading it obscenely to reveal a twitching hole. It tightened up when fingers brushed against it, wanting to eat them up greedily to fill his aching hunger in the pit of his stomach. Eyes darkened with lust as two of them were swallowed up, trying to find the spot that would make him see white.

    It made him go crazy, trembling with want and desire for something more thicker to satisfy the emptiness he felt.

    Please,” the sound of his own begging, the sultry and wonton tone, caused Bai Yun to turn his head away, embarrassed. The rational part of his mind still fought, telling him that his actions were degrading.

    The man above kissed him and murmured under his breath, “So cute.”

    Bai Yun wanted to urge the man to feel him, to touch him all over. His rationality was thrown down the drain with a quick, accidental press of his prostate. Sweat dripped down his neck. He wriggled his hips, trying to get the person to take off their pants. He felt wronged. Why was he the only one naked?

    Vaguely, he heard a laugh, “Your expression is interesting. Why are you frowning? Tell me what this mind of yours is thinking. Are you angered, saddened? What more do you want?”

    His words were pampering, like he was trying to soothe him, but it was different from the treatment his body was getting. Bai Yun cried out as his means of cumming was taken away by his own necktie.

    “You, you’re bullying me…” Tears fell down his cheek, hitting the soft pillow beneath his head. He never denied himself the right to release. The building pressure that came from his stomach made Bai Yun complain.

    :sushi_peak: if possible, can anyone read it and tell me if it's an okay start and if the implied position (urm, MC laying down and the man is on top of him) make sense? Or if anyone noticed overused words?
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2018
  9. GD2318

    GD2318 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2017
    Messages:
    95
    Likes Received:
    83
    Reading List:
    Link
    There is a skip part or the smut part was not complete?tell me if this is not complete.
    Is this novel the first novel? Or you already started it? Do you have a link if you posted it anywhere where there is more than one chapter?
     
  10. GD2318

    GD2318 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2017
    Messages:
    95
    Likes Received:
    83
    Reading List:
    Link
    Oh for the smut part there was a skip part.
     
  11. GD2318

    GD2318 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2017
    Messages:
    95
    Likes Received:
    83
    Reading List:
    Link
    Oh!! Thank you I just found out there's a link.silly me
     
  12. ehkilis

    ehkilis Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2017
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    213
    Reading List:
    Link
    @GD2318 oh I didn't fully write out the smut part, though I'm working on it, or have a clue when I'm putting it in the story :sushi_peak:It supposed to be for 'A Failed Relationship' but I just wanted to know if it was ok
     
    GD2318 and Ashley123 like this.
  13. Ashley123

    Ashley123 Your senior

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2016
    Messages:
    219
    Likes Received:
    794
    Reading List:
    Link
    It was fine! (y);)Maybe cause I wasn't looking at the grammar and words much, but I didn't feel like you re-used words :LOL:
     
    ehkilis likes this.
  14. GD2318

    GD2318 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2017
    Messages:
    95
    Likes Received:
    83
    Reading List:
    Link
    I have read both your fiction. Thank you for writing a wonderful story. Especially the AFR.;)
     
    ehkilis likes this.
  15. theragingpanda

    theragingpanda ‹ lost in the books ›

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2017
    Messages:
    202
    Likes Received:
    247
    Reading List:
    Link
    I am very curious about this mystery man who is 'bullying' baby Bai Yun. Is it slag Yang or what akdkfjsjjafdssccg

    AMD AND I LOVE YOUR STORY ESPECIALLY OFF SCRIPT
     
    ehkilis likes this.
  16. JellyJellyFishy

    JellyJellyFishy Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2018
    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    116
    Reading List:
    Link
    me want more:blobReach:
     
    ehkilis likes this.
  17. LylaxMytho

    LylaxMytho Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2018
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    118
    Reading List:
    Link
    I've finally found you!! I really love your books so much! I followed you in wattpad and now I am happy that you get to post your book here in wordpress :) Hope you'll enjoy here
     
    ehkilis likes this.
  18. Lulin

    Lulin Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2018
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    29
    Reading List:
    Link
    The summary sounds interesting. I'll give it a read later. ;o
     
    ehkilis likes this.
  19. ehkilis

    ehkilis Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2017
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    213
    Reading List:
    Link
  20. LylaxMytho

    LylaxMytho Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2018
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    118
    Reading List:
    Link
    Thanks for that @ehkilis - san!!:blobpats:....I really love both of your translated novels and about the AFR. I can say that IT WAS AMAZING!! I love the plot and I can feel Bai Yun feelings all the way over here in the reality world:blobnosebleed:.... Cant wait for more
     
    ehkilis likes this.