ORIGINAL NOVEL: I need some serious opinion

Discussion in 'Author Discussions' started by Jinnai.l, Dec 3, 2018.

  1. Jinnai.l

    Jinnai.l The Jerkaiser, Ruler of 108th dimension,Jinny

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2017
    Messages:
    640
    Likes Received:
    257
    Reading List:
    Link
    Guys I am writing a novel in inkstone and looking for some one to give any opinion on it. I got decent view so far and the number of collections keep increasing steadily.

    So far I want your guys opinion (no one give me any feed back)

    This is the novel detail and synopsis anyone interested?

    https://m.webnovel.com/profile/4301398806

    Horizon Dawn

    Edit synopsis...

    Ever wonder what would happen when Earth got booted up into the magical world?


    I mean literal assimilation. Someone just plops the seven continents of Earth onto a massive world several sizes of our planet.


    This is record #100 after that day called causality limit...


    To all my friends from our fair planet that might be reading this. I know things look desperate. I feel the same panic you feel when the Demonic Continent and Emma Enterprise took over the middle East and half of Asia.


    Admittedly, I am not one our continent right now. I am currently traveling on the endless journey with my new comrade...the goal of our epic road trip is simple...


    We are going right the wrong of this world and protected it against whatever threat we know is out there


    This is Hikma De Darwin-- the 5th member of Horizon Dawn and the Chronicler of Magic...and this is our story...of not only me but the Horizon itself.

    edit Note: The nearest to final edition of CH1 and CH2 is complete please take a look at this link https://www.webnovel.com/book/11447303605376705
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018
  2. bloomsburyhouse

    bloomsburyhouse Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2015
    Messages:
    150
    Likes Received:
    75
    Reading List:
    Link
    you need to put "s" behind your words sir.
    Congratulations, has. But who's kidding. "we didn't want" is strangely phrased given the rest of the sentence. Probably missing a verb [forced] to merge. that -> which. elves, i think militaristic is the adjectival form. etc. etc.

    But lets leave
    to its
    fantasy politics
     
    Meloman likes this.
  3. Jinnai.l

    Jinnai.l The Jerkaiser, Ruler of 108th dimension,Jinny

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2017
    Messages:
    640
    Likes Received:
    257
    Reading List:
    Link
    Yeah I notice from other thread that the synopsis is pretty vague partly because I don’t know how to begin. I just alter it a bit...
     
  4. LtBeefy

    LtBeefy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2016
    Messages:
    711
    Likes Received:
    497
    Reading List:
    Link
    Reading synopsis it seems interesting. Some grammatical mistakes in the synopsis but not to bad. Now I'll go read a chapter.
     
  5. Jinnai.l

    Jinnai.l The Jerkaiser, Ruler of 108th dimension,Jinny

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2017
    Messages:
    640
    Likes Received:
    257
    Reading List:
    Link
    Guys I will edit the synopsis on the page and put the old one here thk
     
  6. LtBeefy

    LtBeefy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2016
    Messages:
    711
    Likes Received:
    497
    Reading List:
    Link
    upload_2018-12-3_0-35-10.png

    EDIT
    Embarrassed, lol. :facepalm:
    The part that says
    "Admittedly, I am not one our continent right now."
    I was confused thinking that maybe all the continents were recombined. In fact, it should be
    "Admittedly, I am not on one of our continents right now."
    Went and read the synopsis from Webnovel and it had
    "Admittedly, I am not on one our continent right now."
    Which made me go "OOOOOOO"
    So all it needs is the added 'of'
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2018
    xchronicles, Amethyss and Jinnai.l like this.
  7. LtBeefy

    LtBeefy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2016
    Messages:
    711
    Likes Received:
    497
    Reading List:
    Link
    Just posted your synopsis and made changes. Other stuff I could have done, but honestly, I felt to lazy atm to add them in on a word document. Need to chat for that.

    Some of the red is just fixes while others are just changes that I feel work better.

    Also, read the 1st chapter. I see what the previous poster meant about 'S'. Saw some other mistakes in it.

    BUT, I will like to mention this. Your story is very readable. Some nitpicking that can be done and other changes to make things more clear I feel. But, again it was well written in my opinion and of higher quality than many other stories ive read on webnovel or royalroad or even on amazon itself.

    As for the 1st chapter, it was interesting. I'll be giving the other chapters a read. Tho I know some people might find chapter 1 boring because it is setting things up so that isnt a problem.

    Do remember, these are my own thoughts and others may disagree.
     
  8. LtBeefy

    LtBeefy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2016
    Messages:
    711
    Likes Received:
    497
    Reading List:
    Link
    Oh yea, seems you probably want story-wise feedback haha. Sorry, can't help myself at times, bad habit from when I use to edit hehe. Or more of a curse now, as I am always mentally correcting things I read now. Will give story related feedback later when I've read more.
     
    joey183 likes this.
  9. Meloman

    Meloman Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2018
    Messages:
    1,304
    Likes Received:
    1,021
    Reading List:
    Link
    Spelling/grammar can always be checked and edited. Those are indeed important, but what’s more important is to continue writing. :blobhero::blobhero:
     
    Jinnai.l likes this.
  10. LtBeefy

    LtBeefy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2016
    Messages:
    711
    Likes Received:
    497
    Reading List:
    Link
    Eh grammar is important. Dropped stories which had good plot lines and were plenty interesting to read but were so horrendous grammar wise it was like reading a mtl of a mtl.

    I do admit however, I can be more picky than others with what I will put up with grammar wise when reading.
     
    GDLiZy, Jinnai.l and Meloman like this.
  11. Expatamoeba

    Expatamoeba Have eyes but still couldn't see Mount Tai

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2017
    Messages:
    940
    Likes Received:
    1,035
    Reading List:
    Link
    Grammar can be improved with time as long as you have the will to continue writing. I'm scared to try any originals in qidian because almost every originals that I followed got dropped after few chapters. So, ganbatte!
     
    Jinnai.l likes this.
  12. Lolistalker

    Lolistalker Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2016
    Messages:
    153
    Likes Received:
    144
    Reading List:
    Link
    Have you heard of t̶h̶e̶ ̶h̶i̶g̶h̶ ̶e̶l̶v̶e̶s̶?̶ Grammarly? Great browser extension to check basic grammatical error and typo, highly recommended
     
  13. UnknownSaint171

    UnknownSaint171 To Something Sounds Cooler

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2016
    Messages:
    1,744
    Likes Received:
    738
    Reading List:
    Link
    Hmm I think you might need to change MC name, sounds too western for Asia setting? Though it’d sound cool in another world type of story.
     
    Jinnai.l likes this.
  14. LtBeefy

    LtBeefy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2016
    Messages:
    711
    Likes Received:
    497
    Reading List:
    Link
    What's wrong with a western sounding name? Go against the grain of all the novels having Asian sounding names. Break the trend. Be different.
     
  15. Rosver

    Rosver Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2016
    Messages:
    274
    Likes Received:
    162
    Reading List:
    Link
    The synopsis just doesn't grab me at all. Aside from the continents being "booted into" another world, it sounds really generic.

    And confusing.

    It is just not appealing at all.
     
  16. Jinnai.l

    Jinnai.l The Jerkaiser, Ruler of 108th dimension,Jinny

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2017
    Messages:
    640
    Likes Received:
    257
    Reading List:
    Link
    It another world and you just gave me an inspiration tho dude (Jordan Lie Jou...) that is exactly the name I am looking for
     
  17. Rosver

    Rosver Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2016
    Messages:
    274
    Likes Received:
    162
    Reading List:
    Link
    Being different, especially just for the sake of being different, isn't good.
     
  18. LtBeefy

    LtBeefy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2016
    Messages:
    711
    Likes Received:
    497
    Reading List:
    Link
    Following the trend just for the sake of the trend also isnt good.
     
  19. Rosver

    Rosver Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2016
    Messages:
    274
    Likes Received:
    162
    Reading List:
    Link
    Actually, there is a lot of sense in following the trend, especially when you consider something like this and you just started out. For one its easier to have a measure of success with it because it is already proven to work and you have many examples to work with.

    Being different is risky. If you don't know what you are doing, as what first time writers are oft to be, then you are likely to fail. Not to mention, you are on your own.

    Though, following the trend does cause stagnation so there is that, but I don't think the author has it to try something different.

    Be different, if you know what you are doing, but be more conservative if you are starting out.
     
  20. Jinnai.l

    Jinnai.l The Jerkaiser, Ruler of 108th dimension,Jinny

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2017
    Messages:
    640
    Likes Received:
    257
    Reading List:
    Link
    This novel is mostly international. The guys who wrote this is Half French half Egypt who's dad is an retire Archeologist who met his mom during expedition in the Egypt. He spent 8 years world traveling with his dad after his mom die and barely get out of Iran alive when the oil crisis boil up... And before he even got formal education, the entire Earth got drop onto another world.

    And that was just the beginning of how much Hikma’s life suck...I design him as Naruto’s character done correctly. Out of all Horizon Dawn member Hikma got the worse deal and most no talent...and that why he is awesome